Day Thirty-One: 01/31/2021

01/31/2021

10:56 a.m.

My not-so-little love,

    We are in Sami's room.  She is in New Jersey with Aunt Staci and crew.  You are playing "Among Us" on my phone.

    I am going through a very difficult break-up and you are bringing me great comfort, joy and perspective.   I will miss you as your five days with Dad will soon be upon us.

    You are growing exponentially, as is my love for you.  You are generally happy although a little obsessed with screen time and cursing.  I am hoping you will grow out of both.

    You really have a beatiful, loving heart and spirit.  And can't wait to see you grow (okay, I can wait - I don't want you to grow up sometimes) even more.  I hope I can be at my best so you can know the best version of me!

    I love you forever and ever plus a little bit longer.

                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                        Mama

Day Thirty: Undated Sketchbook Poem

Couldn't find anything for January 30 through the years so here's an undated poem which was definitely ripped out of a sketchbook at some point.  

It means

Everything

To me

When you look 

At me

With that expression

Words

Could never touch

That look

Which means so much

Without you

Having to say anything

Yet I 

Shy away

From interpreting too much

As much

As I 

Try to tell you

With my touch

My fingers

Play upon your torso

They tell you

How I'm so glad

I found you 

Or you found me

Whichever

It just feels

Meant to be

And I cherish

Every moment

And do my best

To show it

My appreciation 

Knows no bounds

Though to you

Maybe my words

Sound

Tired

And used

And insincere

But if ever

A word

Had power

And truth

And honesty

I'd give it all

To these next few words:

I'd be so different

If I'd never met you

I'd be worse off

Without you in my life

I don't know how to say things

Often when I'm near you

But I tell you everything

Even though I fear you

Will up and walk away someday

Leaving me with words to say

And no one to say them to

Day Twenty-Nine: 01/29/2007

29 January 2007

Riding home on the subway tonight after my anxiety class I heard the Northbound train approach and thought about how Abacus and Samurai tense up when they hear the loud train and I tell them - it's okay, it's just the subway, it's loud but there's no need to be scared.  And they relax.  Because I told them everything's going to be okay - and they believe me.  That's all I want.

Day Twenty-Eight: 01/28/2005

 28 January 2005

Good morning baby!  It's been quite a while since I've written in here but things have been good.  You've been keeping me busy!  You're going to be talking soon I think.  About six more weeks until Mama has our new baby.  Right now I'm waiting for the midwives to come and pick me up for a work day down in Elkton.  You slept at Mom-Mom's last night.  I missed you so much!  I am sure you are having fun though.  I love you so much.  I wish I never had to leave you but it's definitely good for both of us to be apart some of the time.  It is so wonderful to see you gaining your independence.  And it is nice for you to have a close relationship with Mom-Mom.  Hopefully as you get older the same thing will happen with you and your Grandma and Grandpa.  You are very lucky to have so many people who love you so much!  That way you should have someone you can turn to and trust no matter how you are feeling.

Well, I should go now but I'll write again soon!

                                                                                                    All my love

forever and

ever,

Mama 

Day Twenty-Seven: 01/27/2016

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

8:09 a.m.

Kids were off for school the last two days so things were really hectic.  Fun - but crazy.  I took two with me to work Monday and all three yesterday and it just makes for super long days!

Anyway, I'm taking some extra time this morning to let the baby sleep and try to get some house stuff and exercise in this morning.  I generally work-out at least once a day but I've been totally slacking the past two days!

Okay, time to get some stuff done before the baby wakes up.

                                                                                                        💗Mee

Day Twenty-Six: 01/26/2017

 January 26, 2017

    So, a lot has transpired in the two weeks since I have written.  It's time for me to get focused inward.

    Most notably, I quit my job yesterday.  A flurry of miscommunication triggered a storm and I opted for a safe harbor.

    Now I am poised at what feels lice a precipice but I know is merely a crossroad.

    All in all, I am pleased with myself.  I cannot continue to stay in situations which stress me out and cause unhappiness.  I am ready to don my shining armor and save my soul.

    It's funny that Dave gave me today off but here I am awake and ready to start the day at 5 a.m. instead of snoozing the alarm and cursing myself for not getting out of bed.

    Today's goal?  A clean room!

                                                                                                                Off I go -

                                                                                                                           Mee

Day Twenty-Five: Undated and Unfinished Sketchbook Poem (Probably 2008-2009 but not really sure).

                                     

Words upon a page

In a conceptual age

All I fear within a cage

An exception is made

The concept is one as old as time

An old design

A way to grow

From a single line

To a complex rhyme

It's all just a matter of time

What's yours 

In mine

What's mine

Is that which returns to me

After I've set it free.

Let's depart from our usual imagery

And reach out conceptually

To all that was never meant to be

But is, now

Which I realize

Is arguably

Fate itself

But I don't know 

How to reconcile

Free will

And predetermination.

So I return

To my conceptualization.

There's a path we walk

And though sometimes

I want to run

Or perhaps

Return to the spot

Where something special once begun

I continue to walk

Even where it all grows dark

I know soon enough

I'll see the sun

Because I found in me

The woman

Who doesn't need to hide

From anyone 

Not even

Herself

And that's the greatest wealth

I've known in my lifetime

For I never thought

I'd find the place

Where I could be comfortable

With me

And begin to see the light

That chases shadows

From deep within

And allows me to believe

Again

And proves to me I

Never need

To hide

Or even pretend

Because the authentic Mee

Is all I ever need to be

I found true love and he set me free

Which was an entirely

New concept for me

Freedom from all the fears

Which had been controlling me

And keeping me from seeing

The beauty inside

Within

Without which

I had been living

An ugly life

I wasn't worthy of being

Anyone's wife

I actively sought out strife...

Day Twenty-Four: 01/24/2018

 01/24/2018

11:22 p.m.

My dearest Nexen,

    It has been so long since I have written!  I am so sorry.  Life just moves so quickly and I suppose I still have a tendency to get lost a little too easily.

    This morning I had Court with your father.  I am pleased with the result and I am hopeful this is the last time he will sue me.

    I have so many pens in this house and I still have trouble fiding one that works.  Hopefully third time is the charm.

    Nexen, you are getting so big and so smart.  I know tha tit is hard for you and probably confusing too, growing up with your Dad and I estranged the way we are.  I am sorry I cannot concede to him but the wound was too deep.

    I am in love with you though and Abacus and Samurai and life feels full and happy when I allow the pain to subside.  I am getting stronger every day and I am hopeful we will both continue to grow bigger and stronger and sweeter and smarter.  Okay well maybe I don't need to get bigger - just my heart?

    My love I need you every day.  It hurts that you can't be here.  I know it hurts you too.  Happiness is still ours for the taking.

                                                                                                            💗Mama

Day Twenty-Three: 01/23/2016

Saturday, January 23rd, 2016

10:00ish p.m.

Well today was an awesome day.  The kids were excited about the snow and ran in and out all day playing.  They demanded an inordinate amount of attention collectively but I mostly found the energy and everyone was happy and got along well.  The oldest wants a Matrix marathon but we'll have to see if the baby goes to sleep at a reasonable hour.

I feel very grateful to be in this place in my life.  I am happy and content.  I feel very full and blessed.  My heart swellled today with love for my family and I just wish I could keep that feeling longer!  Anyway, time for more quality time.

                                                                                                💗 Mee

Day Twenty-Two: 01/22/2012

01/22/2012

8ish p.m.

    I decided to leave work.  I was quasi-productive.  I could've done a lot more but I got a fair amount accomplished.  There is a lot I need to do in the morning.  I wanted to see the kids though.  I am remembering Abacus' school project.  I am sure he hasn't gotten anything accomplished.

    I am a little tired.  My energy level between the winter and third trimester pregnancy is not quite what I wish it would be.  I don't know if I will be able to get to Aikido tomorrow but I really need to try since I missed Saturday.

    Yoga was good today but my body is just not doing all the things I would like it to be doing.  I have acupuncture tomorrow, perhaps that will help me energy-wise.

    That's funny, Abacus just called about his project.  I guess he's thinking about school stuff since it's Sunday night.

    I was in good spirits today for the most part.  Still obsessed with figuring out forgiveness.  I ordered some books.  God forbid I just go to a library.  Book ownership has alway been my weak point.  I love books.

    Anyway, now I feel a bit down but I think I'm just tired and dreading the mess that is my house.  Hopefully I'll get a second wind to clean.

Day Twenty-One: Undated Sketchbook Drawing (I think 2008-2009 but not positive)

 In lieu of posting yet another 2012 entry, here is an undated sketchbook drawing/poem.

Alone again

I lament 

all I ever wanted

I seem to be chasing away

when all I really want

is to be his baby

for just one more day

And I've loved before

but never did I let go

and now that I'm about to

I just feel lost inside.

I don't know

if it's fear

I don't know

if it's pride

But he's everywhere

my thoughts go

and boy is that a ride.

All I can see are my shortcomings

and that keeps me away

from all I could ever be

It keeps me away from forever

though that's what I wish this could be

I wish I could see the beauty

through my own eyes

but all I see

are saggy tits and flabby thighs

and that's just the superficial shit.

If I dig deeper

I can guarantee

Anyone would agree

This girl

Is

Not

A

Keeper.

Sometimes I feel

it's an impossible puzzle

to distinguish what's real

from what's in my mind.

I can only say with certainty

"I really love you"

and then just hope

he responds in kind.

There are days

he wipes my tears

and says everything's going to be okay

But there are days I get upset

and he walks away.

I was a sad story

waiting to be written.

A tragic tale

taking shape

before your eyes.

Day Twenty: 01/20/2012

 01/20/2012

11:51 p.m.

    I feel like I'm getting back on track.  So of course (He) texted me.  He left a folder at my house.  His wife wanted him to destroy it so instead he expects me to keep it safe for him.  I wouldn't even open it except it has a check in it.  I really need that check right now.

    I'm about to look in the envelope.  Good luck to Mee.

    It wasn't bad.  Just stuff I'd given him.  And that doesn't bother me because that's all genuine.

Day Nineteen: 01/19/2016

Nothing very earth shattering for today.  I only found one journal entry which was in the book I was writing for my friend.

Tuesday, January 19th

11:37 a.m.

    Late morning this morning.  I didn't have to drop Sami and Ab at school so the baby and I chilled for a while at home.  On the train to work now.  I have a lot to say but there isn't time right now.

                                                                                                    Until later-

                                                                                                    Mee

5:15 p.m.

    I am at ballet school waiting with Nexen for Sami to get out of class.  Nexen is requiring quite a bit of attention so I'm not sure I am going to be able to write a lot.

    This weekend was a lot of fun.  Well, once you arrived anyway.  :)

Day Eighteen: 01/18/2010

01/18/2019
7:30 a.m. (ish)

    My phone died and is charging in Sami's room.  I think it's 7:30 or so, which means I have to hurry and get to work.

    I am tired but  happy.  Worried but grateful.  I am dying but alive.  I wish I had more time this morning.  I read back through this journal from the beginning, that's what usurped my writing time.

    Anyway, I really have to get dressed and get to work.  Today is going to be an extremely busy day.

    

    I did manage to have an okay night with Drew last night.  I feel like we went from a place of strength to eggshells for no real reason.  I know he's insanely stressed.  I have my own issues.  I haven't been sleeping or eating enough.  I am trying to only eat at the office, where it's free.  It's leaving me hungry a lot of the time, but the feeling is familiar so - welcome back, old friend.  I am happy to eat less so my children don't have to know what this hunger feels like.  

    

    I am going to end-up late if I don't get my ass in gear.  Which is a shame because I have a ton to write about and it's feeling good to empty my brain a bit.  Oh well...

                                                                                                        💓 Mee

It's Weird

It's weird

You know

Sifting through my past

Pages and pages

Of relationships

That didn't last

Triumphs 

Failures

Letters to myself

Letters to my kids

Even letters to men

Me thinking

I should be better off

Now, than then

In some ways I am

In others

Not at all

I don't think

Those years

I didn't drink

I was in so much pain

The years

When I did

I was in so much pain

I'm looking for something

I realize

Some sort of clue

Some sort of offering

A pathway

Or directive

Where to go

What to do

I'm grasping

But not at straws

More like

The hope

In those moments

I pause

The realizations

I soon forget

The happiness

I sometimes regret

I'm looking for Mee

That common thread

The girl

Turned woman

Then back to a girl

In these moments

My world starts to swirl

I lose my balance

My faith

My direction

I lose my heart

My mind

My connection

I'm looking for Mee

Glimpses of she

The woman

I must 

Have thought I could be

Because otherwise

I wouldn't be here.

Day Seventeen: 01/17/2021

 8:00 pm
Intentions

Sometimes
When you've been taken

It's hard

To find the strength

To give

The world

Feels depleted

Right now

Our country

In particular

The virus

Took our health

The politicians

Took our trust

The systemic racism

Took our peace of mind

So now is when

We find the beauty

We find the helpers

We let love

Fill us up

And we give

All that goodness

Back to our community

And so

From this place of emptiness

I make the intention

To fill my cup with love

With kindness

With graciousness

With gratitude

And as I fill myself

With this beautiful side

Of being human

I make the intention

To return it

To every place

There is a void

To everyone

Who needs a refill

I will remind

Myself and others

That every new day

Can be more beautiful

Than the last

And every moment

Can change the course

Of our story

If we maintain strength enough

To steer it toward the light

Day Sixteen: 01/16/2016

Saturday, January 16, 2016

10:32 p.m.

Dear M-

    I don't really know when or if I will ever give you this journal, but I have decided to start writing one for you.  It's a thing I do, but only for certain people.  For example, I keep one for each of my children.  Granted, I have a tendency to write in them infrequently, but I figure I have their whole lives to finish them so, why worry.

    Anyway, I'm certainly missing you today.  I was so excited to see you and then...life.  *sigh*

    I sort of wish you lived closer - so you could sneak over when the kids are sleeping, like now.  But then, I'm glad you live far also because I worry I would get too attached, too quickly.  Infatuation hasn't served me well in the past.  This is better.  More...measured.  

    Although, the missing you is oddly constant in that it is ever present but inconstant as the intensity has peaks and valleys.  Right now I seem to be peaking.

    I miss you so much.

Day Fifteen: 01/15/2012

In the beginning

There was love

Unfettered

Unfiltered

Unspoiled

It was the exploration

Of an entirely new world for me

Sweet like candy

His absence

Left holes like cavities

In the end

The truth was told

Cruel

And cold

Perhaps love and hate

are cousins

Family

Or perhaps

All men are pigs

Either way

This love train

Ran me over

Crushed my heart

And parked its caboose

In my soul

Lucky for me

I've come to recognize

Endings

As beginnings

Pain

As growth

And children

As another chance to live

Day Fourteen: Undated Sketchbook Musings from 2011

The entries I found for this day, even spanning multiple years, are a little too personal.  Therefore, today I have some random, undated sketchbook musings from a 2011 sketchbook.

How many times have I run away.

Is there meaning in every moment?

Is there meaning in any moment if we don't assign it?

That is to say, is it all meaningless

Except when we decide

To give it meaning

Is love found

Or contrived

If it's found

Then how can it be

That it's so easily lost

Day Thirteen: 01/13/2016 and 01/13/2021

 01/13/2016

3:52 a.m.

Thoughts on a sleepless night:

I love you in ways that have yet to reveal themselves.

ALL things are impermanent.

01/13/2021

Aaaaaaaaand...it all came crashing down.  The higher the climb, the harder the fall.  But I am going to keep climbing.  Someday, with someone, I may reach the top.  And if not?  I will be so strong.

Day Twelve: 01/12/2019

The depth

Of this pain

Is a testament

To the strength

Of my love

I pray

For fortitude

So that I may

Weather

This storm

Whether

Its end

Is our end

Or a new chapter

I know now

More about love

More about me

I need to know

More about success

In relationships

More about relating

More about sharing

I practiced Aikido

After reading

The Heart of Aikido

By Morihei Ueshiba

A fellow student

Asked why

I came 

To practice

Aikido

As usual

I didn't answer

Verbally

But in my mind

The answer was clear

To learn how to love

Without getting hurt

I suppose

I should have

Kept up

My practice

Day Eleven: 01/11/2019

Words obscure

The truth

Of my thoughts

Shortcomings

Of my lexicon

A mind

Ill suited

For sharing

I lost myself

That time

I gave all

And now

Ambivalence

Threatens

To tear me apart

To tear us apart

Relationships

Cannot be sustained

One-sided

And I question

The strength 

Of my side

My mind screams

Get out! Get out!

My heart

Lingers

Gently tugging

At my raging brain

My body

Rests

Against his

So what

If it fits

So nicely

So what

If I feel

So safe

My brain rebels

Against comfort

Against discomfort

Against quiet

Against disquiet

Against complacency

Against growth

Everything feels wrong

And I need

To figure out

Why.

Day Ten: 01/10/2012

There are a lot of entries from 2012 because it was such a hard year I had to write practically every day.  This one is edited a bit for other people's privacy.

"...I am in failure.  The world is in failure.  Your system has failed you.  Now I see your problems exist not because one side of your conflict is right and the other is wrong, but because you're looking at each other as if you're in opposition.  You are not.  Neither of you has the answer... What you need to do is experience your misery so you can lift yourself up.  Nature spirals in and out of failures, each one leading to the rebirth of something new.  There's nothing final in failure, it moves into success, dark into the light and back again."  from An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress pp. 237-8.

9:07 p.m.

I have somehow managed to misplace all of my pens so that I am currently misusing my art pen.  Aikido was good tonight except somehow I hurt my groin.  I have no idea how.  I was fine in class.

I wanted to work late but I am exhausted.  I will go in early tomorrow.  Seriously early.  Even though Ab will not be happy because I said I'd wake him up.  Hopefully he'll be awake or wake-up a little when I get home.

....

I had a moment at my desk earlier today, I wanted more than anything else for Him to just hold me in his arms.  It hurt me a lot, that moment.  I used to feel like I belonged there.  Like everything would be okay if I could just rest there from time to time.  Who could have ever guessed the poison they were pumping into my body by their mere proximity.  Those deceitful arms.

Day Nine: 01/09/2021

 11:16 AM

On An Airplane

Flying to South Carolina to meet up with Adonis and drive home with him.  Didn't realize how it would feel to be on a plane during the pandemic until I got here.

Adonis has been drunk but sweet since he got to South Carolina.

The only person I told about coming here was Shawntay.  She said his mom is nice - she called her while he was sick.  Now it's stuck in my brain wondering if they had a relationship.  I am going to have to ask him.  I have to wait until we are both not drunk though so it doesn't turn into a shit show.

I REALLY want to believe this relationship can work.  But I have this sinking feeling inside.  And there are lies piling up.

I will try my best to be optimistic.

Day Eight: Undated Notebook 2005ish

Reflect my soul

In two dimensions

Shed my clothes

Such odd conventions

An eye for detail

Pay close attention

What lies unseen

Does not escape mention

My past

Shines in my eyes today

My past

Holds hands

With my present

Today

And hugs me

Hello

And promises me

Tomorrow

You won't be

So far away

Again

Because

My days

Of running

From my past

Have ended

My days 

Of running

From myself

Are gone

Today

I look you in the eye

And shake your hand

And present to you

A whole person

Which is remarkable

Because before

I always angled myself

So as to be seen

From only my good side

Which honestly

Wasn't all that good

Day Seven: 01/07/2012

Walking to Aikido class.  Thoughts?  From now on I will stop dwelling darkness and shadows, for that is where predators find me.  I will only follow the path of light.  I this way, I will not only come upon what is light.

10:45 p.m.

"A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within."  W. Durant

People, too, cannot be conquered until they have destroyed themselves from within.  There have been points in my life when I very nearly destroyed myself.  There have been points when I lived, devastated.  I think Randall caught me at one of those points, and I was conquered by him.  But, over time, I rebuilt myself, or perhaps, through giving birth, was myself reborn.  The reconstruction ended in his devastation, and I am truly sorry for that.  But I did not know another way.

All my life I gave over things I needed to keep for myself.  It resulted in my destruction, which once I wished upon myself.  I am no longer that person.  Today I find myself worthy.  Deserving.  Today I love myself and want to do right.  I hope tomorrow is like today.  Every tomorrow.

Day Six: 01/06/2012

So 2012 was an extremely rough year for me.  Apparently around this time I was reading "An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress" by Riki Moss with Terry Dobson because I started out my journal entry with a quote from the book.

"What saved me was what saves all martial men and love.  Martial men are filled with love."

I have been thinking a lot about Sabum nim tonight.  I am very afraid of him.  Walking down the street, I am afraid of running into him.  I feel him seeking me out and it terrifies me.  Where is the love I once knew?  Where is the man to whom I opened my heart and gave over my body and created this baby with?  

Where is the love?

Day Five: 2011 Undated Sketchbook Poem

I couldn't find an official entry for January 5th so here's an undated poem from a sketchbook from 2011.  

How can one rejoice

In times

Such as these

Everything I've found

In the depths 

Of a diseased

And corrupted world

Where no one ever thinks

Of doing anything

Which requires real courage

Because those

Who are courageous

Never think twice

Day Four: 01/04/2008

This is me

Opening up

I'm always

Protecting

My inner me

Except online

Where I allow

One to see

The thoughts

I feel

But lack

The strength

To say

I've no gift 

For communication

Any

Other

Way

But here

I am 

Getting

Out of my head

All

That is always

Left unsaid

Not to mention

How I bare

My broken parts

For anyone to see

But I have always

Loved

From the inside out

Yet

I fight to keep

The outside

From coming in

So if one

Were to come

To know me

From the inside out

Perhaps

I could allow myself

To let them

Come in

So

This is me

Opening up

I'm so sorry

I've been afraid

All these years

Petrified 

Really

I've been absent

Because 

By being present

I give you

The option

To reject me

And I've always

Feared rejection

Like at any moment

Even now that I'm grown

I stand to be dismissed

No longer considered

Your own

It could be the adoption

Or a deeper seated issue

But

I think

I've missed you

All these years

Day Three: 01/03/2008

Mantras

Phrases

Dead men's gazes

Insolence

Intolerance

Cornfield mazes

His majesty

Molests you know

The bird's been freed

Thoroughly uncaged

It's difficult to know

I've become enraged

Red hot anger

White hot fear

There's a room full of people

No one listening here

Day Two: 01/02/2014

 6:22 a.m.

This morning in the shower I happened to look down and momentarily focus upon the burn scars on my forearms from the oven.  It brought my mind to the subject of inattentiveness and I thought how much pain - physical, emotional and spiritual - could have been avoided had I just been paying more careful attention - physically, emotionally and spiritually, all my life.

When one is inattentive it opens a direct pathway to pain.  Perhaps to some extent our souls seek this pain as an often express pathway to awakening.  But this carelessness does not only cause pain and hardship to our own person, but to our loved ones and really the world.

There is a reality that we live in every moment which is slightly (or grossly) different for everyone.  Each reality is valid.  By having infinite valid realities, how can we ever own anything?  We cannot, we can only experience it.  

As such, the selfish mentality is a social construct.  Evolutionarily, perhaps, and unique to humans, definitely.  One of the first concepts american babies grasp is that of "mine".  It comes even before the sense of self is fully developed.  We want to grasp and hold on to things and keep them for ourselves.  When this mentality is unchecked by nature - where gain is balanced by loss - or encouraged by nurture, we raise our children with the mistaken notion that not only is possession important but holds some permanence that is, in fact, false.

Happy New Year! A new blog project :D

This year I want to move forward by examining the past a bit.  I want to post daily, and include a poem or journal entry from each day in years past.  After indexing 33 journals, notebooks and sketchbooks spanning the last 28 years, I found only one New Year's Day entry, which was in the journal I had written for/about Shawn in 2010.  It's really too pathetic to even post.  Instead, I am going to post a poem from a sketchbook from 2010 which is undated.

They turned their faces

from the sun

Wondering 

just how far they'd run

In their attempt

to escape that day

In their attmpt

to runaway

But some things you can't leave behind

Unless you can outrun your mind

These memories you'd gag and bind

Torture and abandon

Where no one can find

Just to have one sunny day

Where you could laugh

and run

and play

Instead of work

to keep thoughts away

Those ghosts

of an unhappy yesterday

Which stink of death

and love's decay

They turned their faces

from the sun

And wondered

how much further

they had to run