So I went to a parenting conference at Temple yesterday, the Inspired Family conference.
Here's the thing. My family and I have been through a lot recently. I mean, honestly, we always seem to have big things happening. I guess anything you're going through seems big when you're not putting it in perspective, and we're always going through something. But I digress...
My point is, I LOVE my family. I think we are perfect in our imperfections. We are a perfect fit. I am learning and growing so much by having grown and birthed my littles and knowing and loving them and they are doing the same in learning and loving and giving and taking. I keep devouring parenting books and taking classes and and going to therapy and conferences, trying to find exactly what it is that I'm doing wrong to make us imperfect and finally I realized that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with us.
Yes, I have a list of personal issues longer than my arm but the biggest and worst issue on that list is self-judgment/self-criticism. For a moment, tonight/today, I have let go of that and really taken a good look at myself and how far I've come and everything I'm juggling and I have to say...if I were anyone else but me, I'd be in awe of the person I see. I'd respect her and love her and embrace her and be inspired by her. So where's the disconnect?
The disconnect is where everything is lost. It's where we all feel lost. It's where I lose reception. And I cannot give if I never receive. So my lesson, my golden key to the "perfect" family that I've been seeking, is one that I've read about for days and weeks and months and years but failed to internalize because I couldn't FEEL it by reading books and taking classes and being all up in my brain about this parenting thing. I couldn't feel it until that moment when I connected to my self, my true self, not the self I criticize and judge and scold and hurt, but the self that is brave and beautiful and smart and loved. The self that knows she has always been and will always do everything she possibly can for her family.
Perhaps I sound simple. Ignorant. Downright stupid. But I forget, over and over and over again I forget. I forget to love myself and trust myself and close that feedback loop of love. I give and give and give to my children and then feel resentment that I'm getting nothing back but THEY are not responsible for the fact that I've disconnected from myself and tell myself that I'm failing to the point where they feel (and begin to act) accordingly. I looked everywhere else for the answer and I got great tips and techniques and ideas for better managing things and connecting with my children but if I stay/become/live disconnected with myself I'm being counterproductive.
So there it is. Now I've got the answer. Now I just have to keep asking the question so the answer stays present in my mind. Am I connected? Right now I am. And I will practice staying here. Although more likely, three months from now, I will blog about another moment of realization wherein which I say pretty much the same thing. But that's okay. It's a lesson worth learning over and over.