Saturday, July 30, 2011


December 31, 2006

Alone, with my thoughts attacking
I pray for the least hijacking
Of my feelings, thoughts, and/or emotions
Steal them, rape them, drown them in ocean's
Waters, salty like my tears dropping
Waters, deep like my fears cropping
up around my periphery
Take my eyes too, that I may not see
All the pain, self-inflicted
All the shame, to be re-gifted
passed on to the next generation
If I succumb to my alienation
If I allow soul devastation
If I cannot beat this infernal infestation
If I cannot beat this internal manifestation
Of self-hatred, self-loathing, self-pity and despair
If I cannot believe I deserve to breathe the same air

Alone, with bad thoughts subsiding
I laugh, for my brain's abiding
By new feelings, thoughts and new emotions
Hold them, love them, float them in ocean's
Waters, buoyant like a blue balloon
Waters, brilliant like the sun and moon
rising and setting
Show me the way, that I may see
All the beauty, so neglected
All the truth, always reflected
And pass it on to the next generation
If I succumb to my revelations
If I allow soul restoration
If I can beat this emotional infection
If I can beat this painful resurrection
Of past-hatred, past-loathing, past pity, past despair
I will come to believe I deserve all the good that is there

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Yay!  I made it to another Zelda's. We did a phrase poem where Tom picked random phrases out of the "Urbanite" and we wrote based on those.  The phrases were:

Until the age of 21
A unique selection
White foam churns on the surface
Spend less time in their cars
Taking a class on sound
No boys allowed
Appeals to and attracts the people
The Summer of 1919

I chose to write all the words vertically, in order, and create matching sentences, as follows:

Until the end of time
The wisdom of the sages
Age indeterminate
Of forever we drink and eat
21 days later
A chemical collides
Unique and ubiquitous
Selection is natural
White clouds polka dotted with blue
Foam residue marks the tide even as it
Churns like an upset stomach
On the cusp of your first performance
The night beckons and you examine the
Surface of the playing field
Spend time trying to determine if
Less is more
Time does not stand still
In the freeze frame 
Their lips almost touch and
Cars pass by
Taking no notice
A baby is born
Class ends
On the sweetest Sunday
Sound is eaten like candy
No child can resist
Boys searching for the next best thing
Allowed to find themselves among
Appeals from several women
To infinity
And beyond.  Space
Attracts me and I am summoned to
The outer rim.  Outside of him.
People cannot find me underneath all
The vocabulary but it is
Summer and the sky
Of blue is reminiscent of

Monday, July 18, 2011


I've been wanting to post an Adele song for some time.  I really wasn't thinking it was going to be this one.

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

Tonight I write to you of love.  In this most wonderful, complicated, fleeting, amazing state of being, commonly known as living, there is one feeling to rule all feelings.  This feeling is love.  Love is the creator of many beautiful things.  Don't believe me?  Just look in the mirror.  

I am sorry that the love your father and I shared for each other was not sustainable.  I am not sorry for the love we did share, however, because it brought the two of you into this world.  And despite the loss of our love for each other, our love for you has never wavered, nor will it ever.  I believe you know this in the very deepest, darkest corners of your hearts and minds, and I believe that is why you are unafraid to love and express love yourselves.

I am here, as your mother, to offer many things.  I do my best on all counts, and I hope you can feel that always.  Every day you show me things about life, love and myself, that I am so grateful I am present enough to see.  And I am sorry for all the lessons which have gone unnoticed, due to my preoccupation with less important things.

What am I showing you about love?  Surely you see happiness and strength on a daily basis through my love and your father's love for you.  But what about romantic love?  "Grown-up" love.  I don't know how much you should see and understand at your ages.  I am uncertain what you are internalizing and what is going over your head.  I am not always sure what I am even doing, what is right and what is wrong.

A common question, when one first begins to dabble in this arena, is "How do I know it's love?".  And I will represent to you that if you have to ask that question, it is not love.  When you are in love, every cell in your body trembles with it.  Every thought in your head screams it.  Every second of every minute of every hour of every day is saturated with it.   

There are, however, different types of love.  And, just to confuse things further, different stages of love.  I will address these items with more specificity at a later date.  Tonight, I am about ready for bed, and just want to release these last couple thoughts.

The biggest reason your father and I split-up is because I wanted you to always have what love should be as your example of romantic love, not what it shouldn't be.  I never subscribed to the "do as I say not as I do" mentality.  Yes, I was unhappy, but I am able to withstand personal unhappiness for the greater good.  But thinking of you, in the future, persisting in a relationship where you were unhappy because that was how I showed you to live, that motivated me to let go.

I have more to say but I am falling asleep.  I took you to the sprinkler park to tire YOU out, but it seems I tired myself out as well.  I will succumb to sleep before it abandons me.  I will complete my letter and thoughts a bit later, I hope.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Ab's First Tournament

Today was Ab's first tournament.  Here is a link to the videos he posted on his blog.

I have the honor of posting the photos.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a regular camera and my blackberry camera isn't so good, but it's better than having none at all.

This was before the tournament.  I couldn't for the life of me get him to smile for a picture.

Start of Match 1, Round 1

Not so happy about 3rd Place.  Still no smiles.

1st Place felt a little better.  Finally caught a smile.

Samurai documented the event as well.  But we're not really sure if/when the film (yes, film) will be developed.

Two metals in, he's definitely all smiles now.

And 2nd Place in no gi match.  Now his collection is complete, one of each.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Who am I?

I am a wanderer of paths
I am a taker of chances
I am a climber of trees
I am a swinger of branches

I am a jumper of cliffs
I am a hiker of mountains
I am a swimmer of oceans
I am a wisher of fountains

I am a dreamer of dreams
I am a lover of love
I am a dancer of dances
I am all of the above

I am a force to be reckoned with
On days like today
When I've cast aside fear
And embraced the Way

I only want to walk right now
I have no need to run
I want to enjoy every step of this path
And bask in the glorious sun

And when the clouds are dark and gray
When the rains are sent my way

I will rejoice and dance in the deluge
For in the depths of my heart I know
I will always have shelter from the storm
Should I ever choose to take refuge

Good Morning!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Dear Sleep,

You are evading me tonight.  I don't know why, what have I done to you?  Is this punishment for all those nights I chose to leave you in someone else's arms.  I'm sorry, I was young.  I didn't understand how important you would become in my life.  I'm sorry for taking you for granted for so many years.

Please, will you come back to me?  Tonight perhaps?  Just for a little while?