Wednesday, December 7, 2022

It's Not Fair

It's not fair
That you can take my breath away
When I am already
Trying not to breathe

How can you know
To d
        i
          s
my        r       destruction
               u
                  p
                     t

Did I whisper for help
In my sleep
Just by dreaming of you?

Monday, December 5, 2022

Sleep of the Dead

I lie down
Mentally
I shovel sleep
Until I’m buried
Six feet deep
My battered body
My bruised mind
Laid to rest
For the night at least
Sleep tattoos reluctance
On my eyelids
I try to open them
Early morning
Nothing moves 
Except my mind
A tiny bit 
Supplanting my exhaustion
With memories of yesterday
My child’s joy
My expanding love
I roll over
Hey
It’s a start
Eyes open
I write a poem
About trying 
To get out of bed
Can I do it?

Sunday, August 7, 2022

I'm Tired

I'm tired of getting lost
In the past
Every time
I try to examine it

I'm tired of being afraid
That what I've been through
Is going to come back
And haunt me forever

I'm tried of forgetting...
That defense mechanism
I have enacted
Which has morphed
Into a way of disassociating
Even
When I am not in danger

I'm tired of starting things
And never finishing

I'm tired of losing friends
And lovers
And family
Not due to natural causes
But due to my inability
To connect
And communicate
In a meaningful way

I'm tired of drowning loneliness
In alcohol
And bad behavior

I'm tired of floating
Mindless and distracted
Through my life

My last blog post 
Was April 30. 
So I've almost abandoned
My daily blog project
Longer 
Than I stuck with it.

I'm going to start back.
And see if I can't catch up.
I know that it was difficult
And a lot to process
But it was helping

That retrospective
Was helping me
In ways I could
And couldn't see

So now
That I've inadvertently
Cleared my social calendar
I'm going back
And let's see
Where it leads me

Saturday, May 7, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven: 05/07/2002

 7 May 2002

I was driving a bus knowing my driver's license was suspended but the company didn't check and gave me the job anyway.  Every day I'd go speeding around this cure, always knowing I should slow down but going faster every time.  Finally one day I lost control of the bus and it flipped down into the water.  I was thrown before it hit and ended-up at the police station.  I was sure I was going to be incarcerate.  Two friends had driven me there (Alena and someone) and Randy was there too.  Oh...I'm too lazy to record the rest of this...I ended-up on crutches at a shopping center witnessing a bank robbery and then getting chased with two black women by a maniacal white man who threatened to beat, rape and then kill us.

Friday, May 6, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Six: 05/06/2009

 05/06/2009

    How long has she been running from the same thing?  It feels as if forever and inevitable are the same thing sometimes.  Certainly it has been forever she has been running from the inevitable and it seems as though inevitable runs faster than forever which makes a lot of sense because, after all, forever has forever to run and inevitable has only so long.  But anyway, there has been progress made in the past few months wherein she has allowed herself moments to stand still by and through the inevitable, which we already established is faster than forever, and has apparently caught up.

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Five: 05/05/2012 and 05/05/2018

 Okay, so I found two entries from today and I like them both so I am posting them both.  First is my letter to Nex from the day after he was born.  Second is a poem I wrote with Marx.  I think maybe that was when we were visiting the Poconos or somewhere like that but I could be wrong.  The poem was of the form where I wrote two lines, then covered the first line and he wrote two lines based off of my second line.  Then he covered up to his first line, and I wrote the next two lines based off of his line, and so on and so forth.  His lines are the ones in italics.

05/05/2012
6:41 am

Nexen,

I am listening to you breathe as I write this.  You are a little over 10 hours old.  You are perfect.  Everything feels fine now that you are here.  I feel oddly emotionally grounded (at the moment!).  I told your father he could see you today.  I've had no reply yet but I imagine he will come see you.

    You were so strong and brave yesterday!  You are very calm and well adjusted, all things considered.  I can't even believe I'm getting the chance to write you already!

    I love you my baby water dragon.

                                                                                                                    Mama


05/05/2018

In the autumnal sunshine
I picked a tree
A symbol for myself
Inspiration for what I want to be
Calls to me
From the wilderness
Approaches a hunter
Seeking sustenance
My soul grows toward the sun
And my body
Remains unexplored
But the price is costly
So the decision is a struggle
And the answer
Festers within me
Spreading like cancer
Or the wings of a full grown dragon
The eternal question remains
How do I survive 
And what will I maintain
When the truth
Is at the bottom of the bottle
At the top of a mountain
Or the end of a throttle




Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Four: 05/04/2021

 05/04/2021
9:25 p.m.

Nexen's birthday, so it was a wonderful day  by default.  Still now, for the first time today, I think of the glorious storm the night Nexen was born.  My water dragon.  Ab and Sami really believed Nexen could make it rain for a little while.  What a joyous and triumphant day it was.  At one point in labor, I remember feeling so desperately alone without his father there.  And then I looked around at the beautiful, strong, loving women in the room, plus my kids, and I let it all fill me.  And the strength of all the birthing mothers throughout history.  And I opened up myself and my future to a whole human.  Which was what I had done to get myself to that night in the first place.  I am so thankful I have been so blessed since then, to not have my heart's desire dictate my future. 

Work was horrible today.  Don't feel like expounding upon it.  I may be fired soon.  So it goes.

...

Anyway, we'll see how work goes tomorrow.  All I can do is my best, and whether they see it or not, I have been.

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Three: 05/03/2012

   This actually cracks me up because I mention how I had acuptuncture and the acupuncturist actually did some points which were contraindicated in pregnancy that day.  But she said I was so far along it wouldn't matter.  And then I went into labor less than 24 hours later.  I was planning on being pregnant for at least another week.  😂

05/03/2012

    Well I had acupuncture today and I feel much better than I did last week.  Or last entry anyway.  If I can get a lot done over the weekend I'll probably keep working next week.

    Yesterday was Ab's parent teacher conference.  He is not doing well in school.  It was a mess with Ab crying and Randall yelling...I started crying then after the conference he was yelling at Abacus onthe street and then we were fighting...just a big fucking mess.

    Then this morning He sends three emails which at the time upset me but now I feel are good.  Makes me positive I've made the right decision in protecting the baby and myself from Him.

    What I say hurts him because it is true.  What he says does not hurt me because it is bullshit.  I am happy with the progress I have made emotionally and spiritually and I'm so happy with my body for being so fantastic.  In all the pain there has been so much beauty.  I guess that's why He is so angry.  He wanted to be a part of the beauty.  I suppose I would be mad too.  I'd like to think I'd be more understanding though.

Monday, May 2, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Two: 05/02/2012

 So, there may be a bunch of Nexen posts coming-up, seeing as how his birthday is Star Wars Day.  We shall see.

05/02/2012
11:23 p.m.

My darling baby,

    It will not be long before I am listening to you breathe as I write, the way I am listening to your sister breathe now.  It is an exciting time but I have a lot left to do.  I hope you will continue to be patient with me.

    I hope to close my eyes soon and fall asleep.  I hope you will come to me in your dreams and whisper your name.

    I hope you will understand and forgive any mistakes I make in navigating through the mess that is our immediate future.  Through everything, the most and the least I can do is love you.  It is all I will do.

Sunday, May 1, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-One: 05/01/2015

Well, I am back after a 3+ month hiatus.  Luckily I can back date these posts.  There is only one entry for May 1st, I hope it doesn't suck.

05/01/2015
3:57 pm

    So I know I am in serious trouble here based on the frequency of my entries.  This is Nexen's birthday weekend.  I was supposed to have the kids but Randall switched with me.  I have agreed to T joining in on Nexen's birthday trip to the beach, which means Ab and Sami can't come.  I feel a little guilty, but if he doesn't take them, it'll be three weekends in a row with me.


Okay, well it wasn't a very exciting entry but it is the only one I have.  Which is crazy in and of itself.  Interestingly, I have not really been journaling much this year.  I definitely need to get back on that.  It's possible I did more before I stopped working on this blog project, but you know, I can't really remember that far back.

Saturday, April 30, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty: 04/30/2012

 04/30/2012

    I have made small progress in my preparations but nothing major.  I may have to stop working and stay home to prepare.  If I can just make it through this weekend I'll do just that.

9:45ish

    I'm waiting on the subway now.  This is going to be my last week of work.  I don't have the energy for the commute anymore.

    I am feeling sad.  I will make an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow I think.  I cried yesterday during acupuncture.  These hormones are brutal.

Friday, April 29, 2022

Day One Hundred Nineteen: 04/29/2016

 04/29/2016
5:45 p.m.

Waiting at ballet with Nexen.  Frank wanted me to meet him out but I'm too tired to schlep Nex out to Norther Liberties to meet-up with him tonight.  Poor Frank.  Things are really rough these days for him.

Last night I babysat for Susan's girls.  Apparently Emme woke-up asking for me.  😊  So cute.

Marx texted me today.  Apparently it is National Zipper Day.  He's making an effort.  I can appreciate that.

I'm now talking to several bagels.  It's keeping me entertained enough, doubtful it will equal a love connection though.

Sami finished class early tonight because her back is sore.  Now we're at Powelton waiting for some food.  So we should get home early tonight.  That's good.

Hi I'm writing in my mom's diary. I got buffalo chicken ranch pizza and it's really, HOT!!  Nexen, as always is watching You Tube Ryan's Toy Review.  Now the cheese fries are here.

Yum!  Cheese fries!  I shouldn't be eating this junk but it tastes sooo yummy!  I think someone should make grilled cheese fries.  Now THAT would be yummy!

I guess I should mention how disappointed I am with Sami's scholastic progress.  If she doesn't get her grades up this last quarter of 5th grade she is going to limit herself when it comes to choosing a high school and I am going to have to restrict dance next year.

I think we should work on some family goal setting.  My top 5 goals for next month are:

1.  Find a new job        *Work-out & run!
2.  Clean the house
3.  Make a budget
4.  One on one quality time w/kids
5.  Develop relationship w/inner child

Sami's Goals

1.  Get straight A's or No C's
2.  Read every single night  *Stay Focused
3.  Study every single night
4.  Always respect my family
5.  Smile more (because people said I stopped smiling??)

Nexen's Goals

1.  Play
2.  Love
3.  Don't say potty words
4.  Don't bang my head when angry
5.  Love my family

Thursday, April 28, 2022

Day One Hundred Eighteen: 04/28/2009

 04/08/2009

I give you
The best in me
Hoping you'll
Invest in
The rest of me
I want to 
Digest the recipe
I want to 
Stand on the praecipe
And nothing
Is a test with me
Yet somehow
I feel like
I've been playing
A game
Am I being 
Measured
And evaluated
And tested
And prodded

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Day One Hundred Seventeen: 04/27/2021

 04/27/2021
8:41 a.m.

   This morning's thoughts center upon the idea that the depths of an indiviual's inner realm are equal to the expanse of our outer realm.  The universe inside of us lives in symmetry with the universe outside of us.  When we pull on the thread of sadness we may find there is no end to that thred.  We may feel in those moments, focusing on that thread, futility in continuing on since we hold within us neverending sadness.  But a moment or a miracle brings to our attention the thread of happiness.  And focusing here we may see the happiness, too, is unending.  And when we discover we can weave the threads together in the tapestry of our life, it is then we are ready to work on our masterpiece.  The thread of the past and the thread of the future - equally infinite, woven together to create the present. 

    It would seem I need to learn how to weave.

                                                                                                                       ðŸ’—Mee

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Day One Hundred Sixteen: 04/26/2021

 04/26/2021
9:21 p.m.

    "Imagine the chances of your existing at all.  Why not do something great with your life?"

        Today was a rough day.  I am feeling some sort of unease I can't quite recognize.  Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Monday, April 25, 2022

Day One Hundred Fifteen: 04/25/2021

04/25/2021
11:09 p.m.

Having found the edge of happiness I try to sink into it.  I try to pull it over me, to wrap myself in it.  But it pulls away from me as if to say no, you're not ready yet.  So many things pull me away from it.  I do not wish to covet it, or take it away from anyone else.  I merely wish to believe I am deserving of the small pieces of it which come my way.  And that any I manifest - that I can rejoice in brining it forth and setting it off into the world for others to share.  For what is happiness that is not shared?  Just loneliness.

                                                                                                                💗 Mee.

Sunday, April 24, 2022

Day One Hundred Fourteen: 04/24/2012

 04/24/2012
6:52 a.m.

        One hour until my 2nd home visit so this will be short because I have cleaning left to do and then I want to grab a shower.

        I am happy!  I am excited!  Baby will be here soon.  As long as I have a few more weeks, I will be ready.

                                                                                                                Yay!

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Day One Hundred Thirteen: 04/23/2012

 April 23, 2012
9:45 a.m.

My baby boy,

    You just woke-up,  It's Monday but last night you had your first trip to the emergency room.  You and Samurai were playing and you ran down the stairs and tripped and hit your head.  You got a good-sized laceration which needed four staples.

    You did amazing!  Samurai was so scared and I know you were too, it was the first time either of you had seen so much blood.

    We went to IHOP after even though it was really late.  I guess we all had adrenaline really pumping through our systems still.

    Anyway, time to get ready for school!

                                                                                                        Love,
                                                                                                        Mama

Friday, April 22, 2022

Day One Hundred Twelve: 04/22/2015

 04/22/2105
7:40 p.m.

    So last night was super scary but ultimately pretty nice.  I was able to verbalize everything I needed to.  He was very tolerant when I got scared and started crying.  He said he loves me.  I said he doesn't, which wasn't very nice of me, so I took it back.

    Work is a lot crazy.  Jackie got the legal assistant position James, Aaron and Amanda emailed about.  Frank wants to make me office manager.  It's a frightening prospect but I agreed to try.


Thursday, April 21, 2022

Day One Hundred Eleven: 04/21/1995

 04/21/1995

    When I die it is my wish that in my passing there shall not be pain in any of the hearts of those I love.  The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to bring happiness to the lives of others.  If I accomplished this in any way then my life is complete.  And with the ending of it I do not want the happiness to cease.  I want there to be joy in memory, not tears.  The one thing that hurt me most was for me to bring pain or sadness upon those that I love.  When I was sick I did everything I could so as not to convey the actual pain and suffering I was enduring, so as not to make anyone feel bad for me.  This is not what I wanted then, nor what I want now.  Just remember me, cherish the memory, and keep love and hope and happiness in your hearts always.


Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Day One Hundred Ten: Undated Sketchbook Story from 2011

     In the natural world, there is a division between organisms which are mobile and those which are immobile.  Going further, it is generally understood that land masses and bodies of water are immobile.  This would make the following story impossible, versus merely improbable.  However, within the human mind, there is nothing which is truly impossible.

    Back in a time when land masses and bodies of water were yet unnamed, and all creatures were free to roam as they pleased (within the confines of the natural order) there was a mountain, who can only be described as majestic.  He stood taller and more grand than any other mountain and everyone and everything looked up to him, quite literally.

    At this time in the world, everything was motile, even a mountain.  It was not a simple thing, however, for a mountain to move.  It took great strength and will, and a lot of time.  So our most majestic mountain, always curiouss, was surveying the world around him.  One day he noticed a particularly sparkly lake.  eing the tallest in the world, he had a great vantage point.  But even so, he felt compelled to take a closer look.  What could be making this lake so extraordinarily shiny?  He had to know.

    The lake was aware she drew the attention of many creatures.  It was a bittersweet situation for her because so many creatures, over the years, had drowned or nearly drowned in her.  She didn't really understand why these creatures would jump in with such wreckless abandon, not even knowing if they could swim.  Her best friends were the trees, and over time they tried to protect her form this sadness by hiding her in their shade.  And as they grew taller, less and less creatures were killed in this manner.  But still, the lake was sad.

    The mountain watched the lake with great interest as he made his approach.  The trees began to whisper to her and she began to notice he was growing larger in her day by day, his reflection, that is.  

    Then one day, the mountain began to speak to her.  She had never heard a voice such as his, nor had she felt a presence so strong and grounded.  She knew the mountain was moving toward her and she consulted with the trees.  In the end, the lake asked the trees to step aside, and she began to move toward the mountain.

    The thing about a moving mountain, is that it causes a lot of destruction as it moves.  This is why they normally do not move.  But this mountain was so ocmpelled it not only moved, it moved with surprising speed.  You know, for a mountain.

    The lake snesed and felt this destruction and became unsure.  She wanted nothing more than to continue to move toward the mountain so that one day he could know the depth of her waters, for she knew he would not drown.  But, over time, so many people had been hurt by her, directly or indirectly, she didn't know if she could bear any more pain like this.

    But the mountain, the mountain knew only of looking fowrard and not of looking back.  That's not to say he didn't care about the destruction, but he had such a different vantage point than the lake.  He could see so many things that she could not, and he would share these visions with her, and she thirsted for more of of this knowledge.  She knew she would forever after reflect the image of the mountain in her waters, and she hoped that someday he could come to swim in them.

    

    

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Day One Hundred Nine: 04/19/2021

 04/19/2021

"Think about who you are really doing this for."

I am doing this for myself and everyone who finds themselves in my presence.  I am doing this for my children.  I am doing this for my future life partner.

Monday, April 18, 2022

Day One Hundred Eight: 04/18/2016

 04/18/2016
6:30ish p.m.

    I am at a pizza place with the baby.  Sorry about the last few pages, I was inspired to write while I was walking to work.  It's probably nearly illegible since I was literally walking as I wrote.

    The baby is transfixed by some show on my phone.  It is cold in here, but sitting outside is not good for my allergies.  I am ingesting greasy fries.  It doesn't feel good but I am hungry and they are here.

    I joined a dating site last week at Enrique's prompting.  I don't imagine you'll be particularly happy with the news.  You just live so far away though and I barely get to see you.  Although if I cancelled less I'd see you more, I realize that.

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Day One Hundred Seven: 04/17/2005

 17 April 2005

Hello Samurai.  This is my journal I am writing for you for when you grow-up.  You are now one month and two days old.  We've already had a great scare as I had to take you to the emergency room when you were two weeks old.  Today was a more fun first though, your first concert!  Papa performed with Burdown at Chestnut Hill College and your brother got to get on stage for one song.  You slept most of the time but we had fun.  We're planning a trip to the beach soon!  Anyway, I'll write again sooner or later with an update on your infant life.

                                                                                                            I love you!
                                                                                                                 Mama

17 April 2005

Hi Abacus.  I am really tired so this is going to be short but I haven't written since your baby sister was born one month and two days ago.  You are ever so sweet with her and I can't wait until you are old enough to play together.  I think you'll get along famously.

Today you saw your Papa perform for the very first time.  It was a fun little concert.  During one song Papa put you on his shoulders while he was rhyming.  I wish I had brought the camera.

So I am exhausted and need to get ready for bed.  I love you.

                                                                                                                Mama

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Day One Hundred Six: Undated Sketchbook Poetry from 2011

 


The way
Plants
Grow
Toward the sun
I turn to you
And your brilliance
Warms me
And helps me to grow

I've never been
So hungry
For anything
As I am 
For moments
With you

All my life
Men have been attracted
To my authenticity
(Though they probably
weren't aware
that was the attraction)
And
In turn
I have been repelled
By their lack of it

You
Are so real
And so true
I feel as though
I've dreamt you
Except
Who you are
Eclipses
Even my
Imagination

Friday, April 15, 2022

Day One Hundred Five: 04/15/2021

 04/15/2021
5:14 a.m.

I had a dream it started out with me asking for donations at a Vietnamese restaurant for Sami's dance school auction and then I had lunch at another Asian place with Cristina from MD but I saw Gwen leave and GBDC students eating there and somehow Cristina knew them.  Then before I left I saw my sister there.  I tried to order what Cristina ordered but I had to use a touch screen and I messed it up even though I had written notes in front of me.

Anyway something else happened I can't really remember with regard to some Star Wars collectible item or something.

Then somehow I ended up in like an open air market - unless my timeline messed-up and I was getting GBDC certificates after all the other stuff - and I got really, really lost and some guy grabbed a key off a board and wanted me to go in a room with him and I started running but got lost in a deeper, shadier area and I ran right into some sort of sex worker area and they tried to get me to work for them.  One trans person pulled out their penis and told me to suck it as they tried to hide the bumps, etc. on it.  Luckily, it was interrupted by the boss lady who tried to get me to change my clothes and I ran away.  I was getting away but I ran through some kids and they grabbed one of the little girls like they were just going to use her so of course I stopped but then I saw the girl was like 5 and I was like no way are they going to use her and I started running again and I got surrounded by a group of guys and somehow ended up on a train and I said a prayer to God (out loud and little crazy like so they would back off) and I jumped off the train.  They were laughing and I was falling as I woke-up.

Nasty dream.

Thursday, April 14, 2022

Day One Hundred Four: 04/14/2012

 04/14/2012
5:33 a.m.

    Another 3:30 a.m. wake-up.  I tried to go back to sleep but gave-up and showered and started my day.

    Had dinner at Sampan with Deirdre last night.  Was so fantastic.

    Today will be a busy day.  A lot of family and driving.  Here's to keeping my sanity!

    Clearly I'm not feeling very talkative.  Guess I'll get some housework done.  (Though the thought of housework makes me sleepy!)

                                                                                                                        Hee Hee.

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Day One Hundred Three: 04/13/2021

 04/13/2021
8:41 a.m.

Walking away from my heart I contemplated time's continuity.  I came to my stop and stood still and waiting for my eyes and my mind to catch-up with my stillness.  I came to focus on a face in the wall and worked to stand strong, open to all - even a great fall, should that be where my steps lead.  I am not afraid to fall anymore because I know I have the strength to get back up and the wherewithal to not pull others down with me.

I suppose there are some who are always ready to jump.

Last night walking home with Nexen I told him I was so tired and I wanted to cry and he asked me not to and I said okay, I'll be strong.  But my message should have been that true strength is allowing your body and mind what it needs to get back in balance.  Sometimes that is rest and a good cry.  Sometimes, of course, it is necessary to hold it in.  But I definitely should have explained the difference.

My mind and my heart are open.  Whether it's growth, springtime, the end of the pandemic...I'm not sure.  Most likely a combination.  And what a lovely combination it is.  I am happy to be here, to recognize and be able to enjoy it, and - honestly - I love having this time to think and write.

Nexen said also this morning that he loves trains.  You know, I do too!

                                                                                                    💗Mee.

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

The Unfolding

     I feel as though my life has been on a single trajectory, over which I lack control and desire to follow.  I am a piece of paper, folded into an airplane, and sent on its way.  I gather speed like a Catholic church gathers silence, as though slowing down would be sacriledge.

    In flight, the landing is daunting.  I am afraid.  It never occurs to me to slow down, so the landing might be gentle.  Perhaps it does occur to me, and I dismiss it as crazy talk.  Am I not built for speed?

    I crash time and again.  It's painful each and every time.  I think perhaps I will stay grounded for good.  But someone always picks me up and sends me off again.  The early flight always feels just right.  And then I pick up speed and start to worry about the crash landing.  And then comes the pain.

    I wonder if I need an engine.  Then I could control it all.  Trajectory, speed, lift, landing.  I start to gather parts.  In doing so, I come across a teacher.  She shows me a new stance I can take.  All of a sudden, my mind is flooded with insight.

    I am not a paper plane.  Unfold, and do not get thrown around again.

Day One Hundred Two: 04/12/2016

 04/12/2016
4:26 a.m.

Good morning my love,

    You are alseep right now.  You are getting sooooo big!  You are still so sweet and lovey!  We need to work on your diet and materialism/consumerism.  We also need to focus a little more on your schooling/education.  Next year we are going to have to start thinking about kindergarten.  Crazy!  Hopefully your father and I can agree easily.

    This year we have very nearly a split schedule.  You are doing well although often you will say you want only Mommy.  But you seem happy when you come home from Daddy's house.

    We moved into a new house in September but you have been recently saying you want to go back to the old one.  Interestingly, it coincided with Papi moving in.  I hope you are able to transition.

    I would write more but I need to try and get some extra sleep and I have a hurt hand so after a while it hurts to write.

                                                                                                                Love,
                                                                                                                 Mama

Monday, April 11, 2022

Day One Hundred One: 04/11/2020

This is from a writing prompt which was a painting of a slim black woman with the top half of her face clouded from eyes up with a multi-colored cloud.  I wish I could find the picture.  I will continue to look for it.

04/11/2020
Later than before

Told
To keep my
Feet
On the ground
Find my
Head
In the clouds
And I
Marvel
At the colors
In the sky
Wondering
Why
I should ever
Come down
From up here
My feet
Look rooted
Firmly planted
But the ground
It's hard
And
From where I stand
The land
Is divided
And my soil
Is kept separate
From that
Which is provided
Precious resources
Nutrients
Knowledge, even

And down there
On the ground
A quiet rage
Eats
At my rib cage
Threatening
To destroy
My joy

But up here
With my head
In the clouds
I can see farther
Than the fences
And walls
Territorial cages
Passed down
Through the ages
Of ignorance
And bloodlust
Fear and distrust
Colonization
And conquest

I want to ingest dreams
Until I burst at the seams
Dissolve opposing teams
See everyone
Act as kings and queens
Of noble lands
Joining hands
To uplift the masses
So everyone can view
This multicolored hue
The rainbow skies
Which dissolve the lies
And reveal
The truth inside

My truth
Is inside
Reflected
By each of you
The beauty
And ugliness too
But what I see
Influences
Who I choose to be
So
I see your beauty,
Love
And I embrace
You
Won't you come
Share
The view
From up high?

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Day One Hundred: 04/10/2012

 So, it's been one hundred days!  I've done good, no?  😄

04/10/2012
6:15 p.m.

    Today was a hard day but ultimately so good.  I have acupuncture tonight too and I'm so grateful for that.

    Everything is coming to an end and a beginning.  I'm trying not to be afraid.

    Everything I want I have or am working to cultivate.  Happiness is not just within my reach, it is within my heart, within my womb.  My beauty will not be overshadowed by my mistakes.
    
    Loving is never a mistake.  Giving, however, certainly can be.

    I need to be more careful.  I need to love more intelligently.  I am grateful for this opportunity to learn.  I am thankful for my desire to grow.  I appreciate all who have been placed into my life, so that I may come to know.  I see now.  And I'll do my best to stay open so that I cannot be blindsided again.  (Future me is cracking up right now)

    I am not certain whether the war inside me has been won or whether it's merely a battle.  If it is only a battle, and not the end of the war, I'm guessing it's a pretty darn important battle.  And I do stand victorious.  Over this moment.  Over this culmination of moments.  For this I can be proud.  For this I feel so strong.  For this, I am unapologetic.

    I live.  I love.  I live.  I love.  It is the same for me.  To live and to love are one and the same.


Saturday, April 9, 2022

Day Ninety-Nine: 04/09/2010

 04/09/2020
8:05 a.m.

Good Morning R,

    My headspace is weird again this morning.  I am getting closer to a good place though.  I know I am avoiding some things I really can't avoid much longer.  Mostly money stuff.  I'll try harder today.  Hopefully I'll write more later today.

                                                                                                                        💗Mee.

04/09/2020  10:30ish? p.m.

Hi R!

    Today was actually a pretty good day.  Sami wanted to be Nexen's teacher so she handled the lessons and I supervised.  I also did a lot of dishes and managed to get some cleaning done.  I chilled with 2 out of 3 children and worked out with Sami.  I'm in the bath right now, post workout.  It helps keep my ankle from swelling-up after working out.  At this rate, I will be in bathing suit shape for my cruise this summer.  Assuming that it's still happening...

    They canceled school in PA for the rest of the year.  I am not going back to work until Nexen is back in school.  They can fire me if they want.  I'm already laid off.

    I have to do my taxes.  I owe money so I've been putting it off.  When the Courts open back up I'm going to file for bankruptcy.  My landlord company acted like a dick about rent so I'm not inclined to pay them right now.  They can't evict me during the pandemic but it's possible they will as soon as they can once it's over.  And it's not as if I'll magically have money.  I'm not getting unemployment yet either.  My claim hasn't been processed yet.  So crazy!  I have to figure out how to break my contract with my debt place or I am going to be truly fucked on Friday when they withdraw my monthly payment and overdraft my account.

    Whew.  Sorry, a lot on my mind. Can't really talk about things because I don't want the kids to worry.  Anyway.  I'm going to wash up now.

                                                                                                                           Love you!
                                                                                                                            Mee

Friday, April 8, 2022

Day Ninety-Eight: 04/08/2015

 04/08/2015
5:15 a.m.

    I woke-up around 2 this morning.  I consider that a win given last night I woke-up at 12:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  And the landlord came to fix the washing machine so I've been very productive doing laundry and cleaning.  Now that my alarm's gone off I've made some tea and I will attempt to alleviate my brain somewhat with a small purge.

    So.  T.  I have been too lenient in allowing fondness to grow to slight obsession.  It's just that, on paper, he has been so perfect.  Almost too perfect.  Just. Like. (Him).

    So the question is...is this red flag real or imagined?

Thursday, April 7, 2022

Day Ninety-Seven: 04/07/2020

 04/07/2020
9:30ish p.m.

Well it's been less than a year.  That's better than three years at least.  I'm going to read the last entry quickly, for the purpose of continuity and also, to appease my curiosity.

Okay, so that was quite the entry.  I made myself cry, although that's not very hard to do - as you are well aware.  

I wasn't always so emotional, but it doesn't mean I didn't feel.  It just meant I didn't react.  Not reacting deprived me of a lot of comfort and advice at times in my life when I really needed it.  Even though you kids laugh and make fun of me, or get scared or uncomfortable at times when the emotion is extreme, I am happy I express emotion now.  Because it was tearing my insides apart to hold it in.

Anyway the world has been taken over by a virus.  We have spent the last month all quarantined together.  It's actually been really wonderful for me in certain ways - so incredibly difficult in others.  You're the only one who gets to go out on a regular basis.  You are getting lots of hours at work though, so that's good.

You just celebrated your one year anniversary with Kim.

You are still the most amazing big brother and oldest son.  Life feels calm desipite the storm, and I think that's because we all feel safe and happy together for the most part.

I know you deal with a lot.  We still don't talk too much.  But when things get serious, we manage.  I will keep trying to do better.  You just keep loving us through our faults.  It will all work out in the end.

                                                                                                                     Love,
                                                                                                                    Mama

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

Day Ninety-Six: A Trio of Undated Old Poetry

(1)

Every smile hides a tear
Every laugh smothers a cry
Never have I had such fear
As when I look in my own eyes

(2)

The young girl laughs
To hide her tears
All her hopes
And all her fears
What she sees
And what she hears
What goes on
Over the years

(3)

In this world no one is seeing
There are children that are bleeding
Is it silence that we're breeding?
Just because no one is seeing

In this world no one is seeing
There are dying people needing
This degredation are we feeding?
Just because no one is seeing


Tuesday, April 5, 2022

Day Ninety-Five: Undated Sketchbook Musings

I don't have much for the next couple of days.  Just some quick entries from 2021.  So I'm going to go with some more interesting, but undated stuff.



Is love rooted in reality or is it the stuff of dreams?  My love didn't just grow up and reach for the sky, it rooted me deep into the reality of life and gave me strength to truly grow.  I tried to prune my love for him, cut parts of it off and make it nice and neat.  But damn if it didn't just keep growing and where I tried to cut back and shape it's growth it went extra wild and shouted "set me free".  He tells me he'll be happy if I uproot it and plant it in someone else's yard, but I know that it would die.  Some plants flourish where they are because that's where they were meant to be.  There are plenty out there who will bloom and grow just anywhere you put them but my existence has taught me that sometimes there are things which only grow under special conditions.  Not anyone can just grow any plant, it takes attention and patience and love.  Then there are particularly high maintenance plants and I never thought of myself as high maintenance but now I see what a delicate flower my love has always been. Very few people ever made it blossom and couldn't see the beauty of what it would come to be.  And now that all of those special conditions were met it grew - upward, outward, inward.  It blossomed into the most amazing thing I could ever imagine - the stuff of dreams.  It can't ever be uprooted though.  It will only die.  So it will live and thrive only planted in his yard.  But he no longer needs to tend to it the way he once did.  The roots are so deep now they reach the water and nourishment inherent in the earth and it can feed itself and continue to grow.  It needed extra time and care to grow so much but finally it did and even through the cold and dry spells with which nature challenges life, this love is now strong enough to hold its own.  So now he can go on and tend to new flowers in his garden but any time he should look back she will still be growing strong and beautiful right where he left her.  He's a fool to think anyone but him could have made her grow the way she did.  There were people who tried and people who thought they were trying when she was dying before their very eyes.  All the beauty she has come to know and blossom into is the work of his skilled hands.  She was given everything she needed to grow up strong and beautiful over the past few seasons and though this winter is a little hard, as winters usually are for those who succumb to nature's cycles, the spring thaw is bound to bring the most glorious flowering this plant has ever known.  Never has she been more full and more grounded and more ready to open up and show the world her true and special beauty.  And she's ready for him to move on and plant new flowers in his garden.  She knows when it's hard for her to see in the shade of the new flowers all she has to do is reach for the sun.  She will always remember the lessons of her love and what it takes to continue to grow in the absence of special attention.  She did grow a bit dependent on the nourishment he so readily provided but now it's someone else's turn to claim that special extra time and care.  She was afraid for a while she might wither and die but she knows now how strong she is and feels how deeply rooted she's become.  And who knows, maybe if she keeps growing and reaching for the sun he'll decide she's more beautiful than all the other flowers in his garden and when he's finished planting he'll look at all the pretty flowers and come back and spend some time looking at her again.  It's possible that's just the stuff of dreams but dreams are a sort of nourishment especially when reality is bitter and cold.  And so this love is rooted in reality AND the stuff of dreams.  And this is what makes it TRUE LOVE.

Sometimes in life, it's a forever thing.




Monday, April 4, 2022

Day Ninety-Four: 04/04/2015

 04/04/2015
5ish p.m.

Hi NexNex - 

    So much has happened!  You have been having regular overnights with your father.  You even went on a family vacation to St. Augustine in Florida and got to hold a baby alligator.  You said they were "awesome".

    You are getting so big!  You are working on all sorts of toddler skills and I'm so proud of you.  Things are going well and you seem well adjusted and happy.  You are extremely messy though!  I'm hoping you will grow out of that.

    Your favorite things right now are jellybeans, Spiderman, The Avengers, Word Girl, cars and trucks, and cutting.

    You know all your letters but you are still working on perfecting the alphabet song.  You can recognize some numbers and you can count to 13.  You are good with shapes and basic colors too.

    Life with Nexen is good!

                                                                                                                    😄
                                                                
                                                                                                                    I love you!

                                                                                                                    Mama

Sunday, April 3, 2022

Day Ninety-Three: 04/03/2020

 04/03/2020
10:34 a.m.

Dear R,

    It's been a few days since I have written but I have been reaching out a bit more in real life.  There is a thing that's kind of weird which I realized this morning.  A few people have asked me to do a Zoom happy hour with them.  The idea sounded great, but then when it came time I bailed.

    I am afraid of something, but I am not 100% sure what.  I have been feeling safe and grounded (outside of stress and homeschool frustration).  I don't know why but it feels really hard to open up my world and "see" anyone else.  Even just on a video screen.

    I might actually meditate on this one for a while.  Try to figure out my real source of fear.  I am pretty sure it's important for me to still connect with other people.

                                                                                                                Love, Mee

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Day Ninety-Two: 04/02/2019

 I didn't want to do the same year, but it's the only April 2nd entry I have in my journals.  Oh well.

04/02/2019
5:34 a.m.

    Okay, so.  I am going to start.  Not sure how much I will get through in the time alloted, but I need to at least start.  I have been holding it all in for too long.
    
    It has been a tumultuous few days.  Even more so than usual.  I keep paging back through my journal for a point of reference and all I see is pain, some turmoil, and more pain.  And I get that I am not necessarily chronicaling the good parts.  But the bad parts are coming so much more swiftly.  It's all coming crashing down.  Good news is, we never let it get too high in the first place.

    I will go back to Friday because I don't remember how I was feeling Thursday morning.  I imagine I felt good, and I was going to write about how my feelings had shifted.

    In thinking about shifting feelings, my mind drifts to Dr. Jeanette and her inner child and inner sage theories.  I don't know if I've said it in this book, but I've spoken before about feeling like my inner child and D's innner child made a pact to love each other.  But, being children, they can only communicate when D and I allow them, and our hurt, angsty adult selves get in the way.
    
    But I digress.

    Actually, I am going to take a break and shower.  Hopefully I come back to this because I really, really need to reflect on all that's been happening over the past few days.

                                                                                                               ðŸ’—Mee

The love
That lies within
It cries to him
Please
Stop killing me

9:11 a.m.

    So many thoughts in my head I had to stop on my walk to work.  I realize why this relationship has been so damn hard.  Because we've been fighting over a wall this whole time.  My wall.  My boundary defense system.

    I let him in a little.  Then quickly try to rebuild.  Brick by brick he worked on getting that wall down but to me at times it felt like an assault.  After a time I worked on breaking the wall down from my side.  It was hard work and I hated it.  I feel unsafe so much of the time and I swear my wall protects me.  But when I am in his arms I feel no need for a wall.  It's the strangest thing.  But then by contrast, when his arms are closed to me I need to build twice as fast.  I'm exhausted.  I think he's probably exhausted too.

    I've forgetten how to feel safe in the world by myself.  Or perhaps I never knew.  I don't know what I want again.  I don't know what I am doing.  But I am so very tired of all the pain.  So very, very tired.

                                                                                                                💗Mee.