I Love You

These three words
I think them
About you
All the time
Over and over
Sometimes
I add “so much”
To the end
The problem is
I can’t seem
To get the words
To come out
Of my mouth

Thank goodness
For emojis

Awakening (II)

I have been awake before.
I crawled back under the covers.
It’s a difficult place to stay,
For me,
Apparently.

I am awakening again.
I hope to stay up
For a while
This time.

Half the Battle

If knowing is half the battle
It certainly is the easy half
Also
What is the other half?
Changing?
Taking action?
Remembering?

All my life
I have hated myself
For reasons
Which failed logically
But won emotionally

And now
After all these years
I am realizing new reasons
Which win logically
And I have to fight
To overcome
Emotionally

I have this fear
Of not living my life
My way
Or on my own terms
The problem is
I don't know
What my way
Really is

I tell myself
I want to walk alone
But inside
The loneliness eats at me
Yet
I don't know how
To open up
And share

I tell myself
Loneliness
Is easier to handle
Than heartbreak

Easier to digest
Than disappointment
Or drama

Easier to ignore
Then a moral imperative
To be a better person
Because the one you love
Deserves better
Than you

I was devastated today
In increasing waves of disgust
As I realized
My willful ignorance
Avoidance
And eventual apathy

I get so tired
Of hating myself
I drink
To forget
Which of course
Creates regret
Because drinking excessively
Will always,
Eventually,
Inflict pain

But the cessation
Of imbibing
Causes me to realize
Just how much
I hate myself
Every moment
Of every day
And then
To realize
I have been hating myself
For all the wrong reasons
Is really, really
Hard to take

So now what?
I have to change
Obviously
I have to let go
Definitely
I have to see
But I can't
I'm so damn myopic
Everything
Has always
Been relegated
To future Mee
But now
I am future Mee
And I don't have the tools
To deal
With a lifetime of procrastination
A lifetime
Of willful ignorance
...

Or do I?

Fear and Surrender

I'm afraid
But I have to let that be okay
I'm afraid to tell you things
For fear of being rejected
For fear of judgment
For fear of looking or feeling stupid
I'm afraid to tell you things
Because I feel unimportant
And small
And worthless
I'm afraid to tell you things
Because the words might be wrong
It might be misinterpreted
Misunderstood
I hate stumbling over words
Not knowing how to turn a phrase
In a way that accurately elucidates my point
Mostly
I hate who I am sometimes
I feel ugly, bad, repulsive
And I don't want you to know that
Because I'm afraid you'll start seeing that too

I'm afraid
But I have to let that be okay
We walked through your house
The new construction upstairs
I don't know what goes through your head
As you view the old space
In its new form
I don't know what it looked like
What memories it held for you
But I know what went through my head
And I wasn't strong enough to tell you
But as I looked in each room
I pictured my children in that space
And then I pictured our child

I'm afraid
But I have to let that
Be okay
I was drunk
And high
And it's so hard
For me to speak
To open up
To let you the fuck in
And I get tired
Of life being hard
And I know others have it way, way worse
But instead of gratitude
I feel guilty
So I wanted to give up
I just wanted all of this difficulty
To be over
So I asked you to leave
And then I stayed in bed
Motionless
With my mind racing
And waves of sadness
Washing over me
And all I wanted
Was to be in your arms
And you
You opened them
You let me back in
And held me
While you slept
But I couldn't sleep
My mind
Was too full
Of gratitude

Thank you
For letting me back in
Each time
I've tried to shut you out

Thank you
For believing in us
Each time
I've felt I'm not enough

Thank you
For loving me
In this way
That wakes me up

Thank you
For sharing your strength
Your wisdom
Your compassion

Thank you
For holding me
And allowing me
These moments of happiness

I'm afraid
But I will let that be okay
Because my love is amazing
And I want to share it with you

Dear Children:

I don't know what you think of me as a mother.  I mean, I get clues from time to time, but the ones that stick are not the ones about which I feel great.  I think you are amazing, wonderful children.  I know I feel like all the good parts of you have grown in spite of me, instead of with my help or guidance.  I know that can't be 100% true in reality, but in my mind, these thoughts live and grow.

I know that I've been afraid my entire life.  It hasn't served me well.  I know that I have made some very large, life-altering choices as a mother that hurt us.  I know that we still, to this day, struggle because of those choices.  I know that we are all afraid of the past repeating itself.

I think, with the current information available to me, I think we should open our hearts to Drew.  Abacus and Samurai, when you agreed to meet him, I was momentarily ecstatic.  In the next moment, the fear came.  It hasn't left me.  Thinking about this introduction makes me feel like I am jumping out of a plane for the second time when my parachute didn't open the first time, and I barely survived the fall.  

I feel like my guilt matches the intensity of my love.  And I can't conceive of a greater love.  So it's hard to even stand up sometimes, with all the guilt I carry.  But then I look at you, really look at you, and I speak to you in those moments when my heart is open and bleeding all over the place, and I realize that you are beautiful human beings.  Despite it all, despite me.

I didn't see through that last man because I wasn't self-aware.  I wasn't mentally strong.  That whole thing came out of nowhere, I was blind and then blindsided.  I am not in that same place.  Not to say I am ready, because I have a whole lot of work to do toward being truly self-aware and mentally strong.  But I am not in that same place.

I worry, perhaps, that I have used up most of his capacity to be patient.  As you are well aware, I need more practice communicating about feelings and things that are important in one's close relationships.  I like to call myself a failure in that department but I am working on not being so negative.  

I know I have eroded your trust in my decision-making abilities and in my choice in men.  I ask that you give me another chance anyway.  I ask that you meet Drew with open hearts and minds.  With respect, with deference.  I know you possess these qualities, though they have given way to a defensive posture that echoes my own.  Ignoring things that make you uncomfortable.  You got this from watching me deal (okay, not deal) with my feelings in and about situations in my life thus far.  And even when I witnessed this toxic behavior I lacked the ability to correct it in that moment because I am working on that very behavioral correction myself.  For this, we all owe an apology to Drew.

I love him, and for reasons only he knows, he has put up with me for six months.  With us.  He has not only put up with us, but he has looked past a whole lot of emotional immaturity.  While it can be somewhat expected of children and teenagers, it has surely been a great disappointment that it's mostly coming from me.  Someday, my trying to be better isn't going to be enough.  Because I am hyperaware of this fact, I have been scared to force interaction at the family level.  I have been trying to protect you from another one of my failures.  But this particular fear I am going to have to move through to get past.  And I truly believe it's the best decision for us.  No matter what happens, we are going to be a stronger and happier family, in the long run, from letting this man in our hearts.  I have zero doubts about that.

So, I know it's a lot to ask, and I ask a lot of you already, but you all have untapped strength.  Just as I do.  Let's be open, let's show him inside and be confident in our capacity for change.

Love, 

Mama

     

music

in stillness
i hear
the music
inside of you
the drum
of your heartbeat
the rhythm
of your respiration
the symphony
of your mind
body
and spirit
the pianissimo
of your pain
the affannato
of your anger
the declamando
of your desire
i wish
to dance for you
to your music
in such a way
that the song
is forever changed
and I become
a part of it
until the end
of my days

Arms

The echo 

Of my empty arms

A reverberation

You silence

By filling them

I thought

I had forgotten 

How to love

How to open

And then I found you

And I don’t know

A happier place

Than being held 

In your arms

I miss

Being there

Every moment

I’m away