Today

Today feels uncomfortable
Like when the medicine wears off
After surgery
But the next dose
Is hours away

I am not sure why
I feel this sense of foreboding

My heart cries out
Go home
Curl up
Stay out of life's way

My thoughts feel trapped
On a runaway train
Navigating a maze
At a higher than comfortable speed

I hope your day
Feels better than mine

the moments inbetween

i miss you

in those moments

between “Mommy’s Day”

and the next

“Mommy’s Day”

i hope you remember

i’m your Mommy

every day

i reach for your hand

to cross the street

an automatic gesture

as a mother of three

but my hand is met

with air that’s cold

and my heart

feels a little more empty

sometimes

i cry

into your favorite

stuffed animal

sometimes i cry

over a glass of bourbon

today i cry

into words

i made a place for you

in my own body

grew you proudly

despite the shame

of being an unwed mother

i gave to you

all of the love

in my heart

i watch you grow

and that love multiplies

as you give it back to me

in whispers

and in shouts

and when the mornings

are quiet

and empty

the hours

until i see you

stacked against me

when my mind

reaches for comfort

in some thing you said

or did

recorded

in my facebook memories

i facetime you

just to hear you say,

Mommy,

i miss you, too

Taste

I can taste it
Today
The pain
My heart
Bleeding
And broken

It tastes dry
Yet wet
Salty
But bitter
It tastes clear
And red

It tastes like
My empty bed

Broken (By) Words

Your words reach out
And whip me
Some lash once
Some repeatedly
I wince
In pain
In confusion
Eventually
In desperation

I allowed your words
To pummel me
Believing
They are deserved
After all

Until
I realized
They aren't

You posed
As if listening
Yet never
Did you hear 

Had you heard
Your words
Would lose their hard edge
Their stabbing quality
And be soft
And gentle
Like my love
For you

But
One final barrage
You felt broken
And so
Sought
To break me
As well

Congratulations
On that count
You achieved your goal
That litany
Of hurtful assumptions
And projections
Effectively
Broke my heart

The warmth
Is now cold
The love
Is now lost
Only the memories
Are mine to cherish
And hold close
To warm my heart
And I will

I surely will

Oh hai, broken heart.

Once you were glass
That first time you broke
Those shards in my bloodstream
Nearly killed me

I rebuilt you with porcelain
Without realizing
How easily porcelain breaks
And how much the pieces
Rip apart your insides

So I rebuilt you with plastic
Even though
Every parent knows
How much it hurts to step on a lego

I tried again with playdoh
But it couldn't hold the shape of love
And although my heart didn't break
It became amorphous
And I had to rebuild anyway

What shall I use this time?
A composite perhaps?
Rubber?
Foam?

Or maybe
I will just
Be alone.

Uncertainty

Have I ever been sure
About anything?
In this moment
I am uncertain
Of everything
Even that

Is questioning
A part of my growth
Or my demise

Where have I been?
Where am I going?
Where am I now?

What do I do?
Who am I?

How do I live?

Madness
Or clarity
What is this uncertainty?

A bridge to understanding
Or quicksand

I feel so lost
Again...
Always?

Do I always feel this way?
Underneath?
Inside?
Or is there strength somewhere in there
Knowledge
Purpose
Intention

Why can't I grasp
Truth
It slips through my fingers
Like a fistful of sand
It slips from my mind
Like the item I forgot at the grocery store
It slips from my eyes
Just outside of my periphery
So I close my eyes
And search for truth