Friday, December 23, 2011

Happiness Is

Happiness is
A pile of clean laundry
Yet to be folded
Full of mismatched socks
In various sizes
The pinkness of my little girl's clothes
The softness of my little boy's favorite sweatpants
The practicality of the old pillowcase
Not pretty but often used

Happiness is
A moment of silence
In a house filled with such chaos
And love
That I completely forgot
To leave for my acupuncture appointment
I lost track of time
I got lost in the moment
And here I am
Relishing in another
But equally fulfilling

Happiness is
A full belly
Full of love
Full of laughter
Full of latkes
Full of baby

Happiness is
This moment
When I stop beating myself up
About all I allowed to happen
When I stop scaring myself
About the uncertainty of the future
And I just allow myself
A moment of happiness
Of gratitude
For all my blessings
Of love
For all that I now hold close to me
Of strength
For all that I have let go
Of hope
For all that will come to be
Of knowledge
That I've been nothing but Mee
And that's not such a bad thing
In the end

I thought I was happy soaring above
When in reality
I needed to be brought to my knees
To see the true path
Through the trees
I will no longer soar above
Before I have tested the ground
And listened closely
For tremors
Those destructive forces
You never sense
If you don't let your feet
Ever touch down

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Book for Samurai

Mama Loves Samurai by Jennifer Quinn | Make Your Own Book

I made a book for Samurai for her holiday present.  And after the fact, I got some pics in from Aunt Staci...they're definitely going in the next book, but for now...

Monday, December 12, 2011

It hurts

It hurts to love you
It hurts to love you
It HURTS to love you
And still I do

I want it to go away
I want to ignore it
I want to pretend
None of it

I want the truth
To penetrate my being
And break it apart
The way it tore my mind apart
The way it tore my heart apart
The way it tore my soul apart

But my being
Is still whole
It's carrying your child

I wish I were dying instead
Instead of living
And growing
This new life
Dying would be so much easier

Every dream
Of my future
I had
Is shattered
And broken
And stabbing me
With every breath
I take

And here I am
Just trying to get by
And grow
And become someone
Strong enough
To handle all of this

But right now
Right now
I feel small
And alone
And afraid
And alone
And angry
And alone
And alone
And alone

I should just go home
And be with my children
And breathe them in
And remember
Inside of them
A love that doesn't lie
Inside of me
A love that doesn't lie

And no matter
How much
It hurts to love
It can never hurt
As much
As a lie

Did you ever love

Did you ever love
With complete
To be abandoned

I did.
It sucks.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Last Night

My children have been painting since they were babies.  As younger children they would have a tendency to get very messy while painting and most of the time I would just allow them to paint naked rather than have to wash them and their clothing.  They would inevitably paint each other, full body style, after which they'd end-up in the bath while I cleaned up after them.

As they got older I introduced them to more professional types of paint.  I explained to them that it is not the same as the kid paint and under no circumstances are they to treat it as such, i.e., paint each other with it and otherwise waste it.  They have adhered to my rules for the past two years and as a result I have them allowed them more freedoms (like leaving them downstairs to paint while I do some work from home on my computer).  Well, last night they forgot themselves and decided to get naked and paint each other, head to toe, with my good, acrylic ($25.99/tube) paint.

Well, when they called me down to look at them, knowing how I would always laugh and compliment them on their artwork when they did it with their paint, they were very surprised when I yelled at them.  I try not to yell at them very often and when I do, and it's really unwarranted or just overblown, I always apologize.  Well this time I was delayed in my apology, and after carrying them into the bathtub to get washed up I went in my bedroom to cool down.  I overheard the following conversation:

Sami:  "Mama hates us."
Ab:  "We're horrible children."
Sami:  "She didn't even apologize to us for yelling like she usually does."
Ab:  "That's because we deserved it."
Ab:  "Let's clean the bathtub so she doesn't have to."
Sami:  "Yeah, and we'll clean the rest of the bathroom too."
Ab:  "We can have a cleaning company."
Sami:  "Yeah and we can call it..."
Ab: "Just Like New"
Sami:  "Yeah, Just Like New."

Then they actually did proceed to clean the entire bathtub (which was a considerable task because they were covered head to toe in paint) and were about to clean the rest of the bathroom when I stopped them and told them to get ready for bed instead.  But I thanked them for the cleaning job and gave them a brief refresher course in the reasons why we don't use Mama's paint in the same way we are allowed to use the kids' paint.  

I reassured them of my undying love and devotion and further reminded them that doing a bad thing doesn't make them bad people.  Mistakes are absolutely allowed and as long as we make an honest effort to learn from them, they can actually be an important tool for personal growth.

I don't feel good about yelling at them the way I did but it was very interesting to overhear their dialogue and witness their willingness to take responsibility for and even clean up the mess they made, and then even find a way to enjoy the self-imposed punishment.

I wonder if they learned as much as I did last night. 

Conversations with Abacus

Abacus:  "Mama, when are we going to have the sex talk?"
Me:  "Um.  Do we need to have the sex talk?  Do you have questions about something?"
Abacus:  "Well, I think I know what the sex talk is.  It's like talking about where babies come from."
Me:  "Actually, you have a pretty good idea of where babies come from.  It's more about how babies are made."
Abacus:  "Okay, I'll let you know when I'm ready for that talk."
Me:  "Okay."

Birthing from Within

So this blog is actually about birth and birth art but I was listening to Pandora when I pulled up the first scan which was Samurai's piece she titled, "Door to Bright" and this song came on and it was too perfect of a moment to not share.

Anyway I love the book, "Birthing from Within" by Pam England and it is the book I am using to conduct my own little birth class with my two little birth partners.  We did some birth art exercises last night.  First we did drawings entitled "Facing Fear" and then we did "Door to Birth", which Sami unwittingly but beautifully changed her title to "Door to Bright".  

Samurai actually copied her door to birth off of mine, and I hope she does continue to model her attitude toward birth after mine.

We did the "Facing Fear" exercise first and I think that Abacus was still a little caught up in his birth fears when we worked on our "Door to Birth" drawings because it is still largely about death.  And by the way Abacus is confused about what a Vbac actually is, he thinks it is a Caesarean birth, which is one of his fears (see below).  Anyway inside his door to birth he actually drew the stages of human development.  First is the baby, not mobile, second is the crawling baby, third is the walking baby, fourth is the toddler, fifth is the teenager, sixth is the adult and last is the old man.

Samurai's "Facing Fear" drawing depicts me in the hospital having a Caesarean.  Abacus is interestingly drawn smaller than Samurai who is covering her eyes.

Abacus drew his two biggest fears.  First he drew me dying in childbirth.  All of the red shooting out of his body is tears.  "I will be crying a lot."  Second is me having a Caesarean birth.  He is still crying but not as much.

Clearly I need to show them some videos of natural births.

It is important to explore our fears though so we are all aware of how we feel and are able to properly support each other.  I am very proud of my children being willing to face and express their fears and further being willing, able and excited to be my birth partners.