Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Nine

 In the deep, dark cocoon of early morning, my waking thoughts continue to be of him.  I still fall asleep every night with thoughts of him on my mind.  It's no wonder I continue to dream of him.  This feeling in my heart, however, continues to be supplanted by the reality of him.

He continues his desperate pleas for attention.  Beginning with messages of love and begging for reconciliation and culminating with anger and blame.  Sometimes it takes minutes for him to turn, sometimes hours.  I am getting better at not checking.  I am also getting better at not responding.  Or, perhaps, it's only because it's a kid weekend.  I do have a tendency to check first thing in the morning and then in quiet moments throughout the day.  But this weekend Nexen has mostly kept me distracted.  Of course, Adonis thinks I am attending to another man.  I guess I appreciate how much he is showing me his inability to change.  It makes it easier and easier to untangle my heart from his.

This is the latest installment.  I want to answer but I am going to refrain...by answering it on here.  Lol.

"A real relationship is the one where your love for your partner is much higher than your ego. Where your understanding of each other‘s feelings is greater than your conflicts. Where your emotional bonding is so strong that the fights cannot survive for longer than a few minutes. Where there is so much intimacy, honesty and freedom that there’s no room for jealousy. Where you respect each other‘s personal space where there’s no space for a third person to come in between. A real relationship is the one where the treasure and treat which of his heart as your own. A real relationship is not a struggle for control domination of power. It is a struggle for making your bond stronger and stronger each day with more love, peace and harmony. A real relationship as we’re both partners and at peace just by being with our children and where the conflicts of fights end up and each other’s arms."

That first sentence, this was true for me, not so much for him.  Therefore, the relationship was real for me, and not for him.  Which makes it false for both of us, but I couldn't or wouldn't see that.

That second sentence I worked to make true for me.  And where I couldn't understand, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  We see how that worked out for me.

Sentence three makes me laugh, because a) it's just stupid.  Even with the strongest "emotional bonding", you can still have arguments that last more than a few minutes.  And b) I am the one who tried to bring us emotionally closer, through couples counseling, and he is the one who refused to attend after two sessions when he "learned everything he needed to know".

Sentence four is impossible with him.  I made love to him more than 10 times over the course of our last day together and he STILL texted another woman that he wanted her while I was lying in bed waiting to make love to him.  And even before that, I could be in his bed with him the entire weekend but if I picked up my phone to check a message he would become upset.  Of course, now I understand why.  He thought I was capable of doing what he is capable of doing, which I am not, nor will ever be.

Sentence five is a contradiction in and of itself.  Respecting space is exactly where the room comes in, but it's the trust and love that you have for each other which maintains this space peacefully.

Sentence six is hilarious.  If he is telling me all these things because he thinks I am the one who dishonored these "relationship tenets" then his delusion could not be more grandiose.  I absolutely held his heart carefully and never even thought of doing any of the things he was doing, thought of doing, would eventually do (it seems obvious to me now), or that he accused me of doing because he was insecure about what he himself was doing.

Control or domination of power?  I don't even know what he's talking about here.  I never did anything in that relationship in the least bit controlling or dominating.  I am at a loss.  Again, maybe he's thinking  of his own actions and projecting them on to me.

This is also a weird, contradictory sentence.  A struggle to make your bond stronger with peace, love and harmony?  Just, what?

And the final sentence.  Really ties it all together.  "A real relationship as we’re both partners and at peace just by being with our children and where the conflicts of fights end up and each other’s arms"  First of all, horrible grammar.  Second of all, "our children"?  Um.  We didn't have any child together, much less children.  I know (now) this is the root of a lot of his malcontent and insecurity.  Why he wanted me to be pregnant right away.  Because he couldn't stand that I had kids with other men and not him.  

My darling Adonis, take these relationship tenets and feed them to someone else.  Stand by them, be true to each other, enjoy your children.  I am getting off this ride.

 

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Eight

 I just woke-up from a dream where there were clues to an underground labyrinth for me and Adonis and if we worked together to solve the labyrinth, there was the way for us to be together at the end.

I was hoping to write more details but the more I wake-up, the more the dream fades from memory.

It was beautiful though.

Diary of a Hearbreak: Entry Seven

 The doorbell rang last night.  I ran downstairs in the hopes that it was him, even though my brain wants nothing more to do with him.  My heart and my body would have melted, relieved, into an embrace in that moment.

It was an Amazon delivery person, and no, the package was not for me.

 There was also a phone call from a number I did not recognize.  I was in the shower so I didn't get to it.  There was no message.  Part of me wishes I had answered, just so I could hear his voice again.  Of course, it probably wasn't even him.  But even now, I just want so much to call and speak with him.  But it's 3:49 a.m.  Nothing good happens when you start making decisions after 3 a.m. and before, say, 6:00 a.m.

Yesterday morning...well, two mornings ago now, I asked him (in an email) for some patience and time for my heart to heal.  I went about my work day and then went home and made a delicious salmon dinner for Abacus and myself since Sami is still at my sister's house (she doesn't like salmon) and Nexen was at his dad's (he doesn't like salmon).  After dinner I had two long phone calls with friends, my weekly with Byron and then a surprise conversation with Frank.  

I really don't like talking on the phone but I needed the distraction and I didn't have to talk much on the call with Frank anyway.  After the calls it was late and I went straight to bed.  In the morning, I found he sent me a series of emails which started with stating he has all the patience and love and ending with this was all my fault, that I "plotted and planned" the whole thing.

Because I signed him up on Plenty of Fish and forced him to text women, asking to get together, while I gave my heart and mind and body to him?  I'm not sure how his mind is creating this scenario successfully, but I do know that it's helping me see my choice to walk away is the right one.

Yesterday morning I wrote and mailed my letter to his mom.  I put my whole heart and truth in it.  I realize she may not read it.  It will hurt if it gets returned to sender.  But that's okay.  I'm on the outside now, he has shut me out of his heart and family.  He feels he needs to, I am sure.  Maybe he does, for my sake as much as his.

I just pray, if I fall in love again, I fall in love with a man who has faith in my love and is rigorously honest.  I will be the same, faithful in my love to him and rigorously honest.  That's a very strong foundation for a successful union, in my book.

For now, I just pray to be released from the hold Adonis has over my heart, body and mind.  I pray to be free of my connection to him, especially since it seems to only be hurting both of us right now.  And I pray to get better sleep, as lack of sleep addles my mind and weakens my resolve!

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Six

 Soooo, I haven't written in quite a few days.  I think I have been ashamed.

I have fallen from my resolve.

I have been working on my puzzle, but Saturday I was feeling strong and healthy and so I reached out to him.  My logic was that if I just tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore, he will stop doing things like showing up at my work.

Buuuut, instead we just got into a shouting match.  Or rather, several.  I should have known better.  In the end, Abacus came to my rescue.  He is the best boy.  I enjoyed a quiet Sunday.

But Monday, he emailed.  And I have been emailing him back and forth.  I did end-up filtering out his emails, but I couldn't bring myself to send them straight to junk.  So I still check them sporadically throughout the day.

My friends are up in arms for the most part.  They have made very clear their feelings about this situation.

And, as much as it hurts, I am going to have to walk away.  And not just walk away, but go cold turkey.

Time to filter his emails to junk.

*sigh*

Perfect, perfect Rumi

 I posted a challenge on theprose.com for writers to post a poem that really inspires them.  Sharing this one here because it's perfect.  Credit to @slnmten for entering it in my challenge!

Quietness - by Rumi

Inside this new love, die.

Your way begins on the other side.

Become the sky.

Take an axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

You are covered with thick cloud.

Slide out the side. Die,

and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign

that you have died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon

comes out now.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Five

 He showed-up at my work today.  We have glass doors so I saw him.  I pretended not to, even though he saw me see him.  He sat down to wait.  I called the front desk and asked them to tell him whatever he had he could just leave, that I didn't want to see him.

He waited out front.  One of the guys told me.  I snuck out the back door.

I came home and watched a sad movie.  I decided to call him, to tell him to leave me alone.  When he tried to speak, I screamed at him that he has no right to speak to me.  I screamed and cried for a few minutes.  I told him what Nexen had said, in his truck he let me borrow, on the way to his house that fateful day.  Then I hung-up.

A dear friend from an old job texted.  Her thinking of me fortified me.  I keep being reminded how blessed I am.  How many beautiful people I know who have shared their love and their lives with me.  I am not a garbage person.  I do not need to keep people in my life who treat me like trash.

I just have to keep reminding myself.

There remains a part of me that wishes I could have amnesia so I could be blissfully happy in his arms again.  But I just keep reminding myself, it wasn't real.  It wasn't real.  Which hurts each time I remember, but living a lie hurts far more.

My puzzle is still in its shrink wrap.  But I will open it tomorrow and begin.  Tonight, however, I need food, or rest, or both.

I am, however, proud of myself for not bringing home any alcohol or other to ease this pain.  Or staying out somewhere now that restaurants are open again.  I belong here, in my home, healing and grieving.  The old me, the pre-Adonis, would not have made this choice.  So here, once again, I am thankful.

And I will go to sleep with love, gratitude, pain, and sadness in my heart.  And I wish my former love a good night as well.  And a good rest of his life.

  

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Four

 I slept again last night.  Five hours and 13 minutes straight (thank you Fitbit).  Thanks to being well rested, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning.  You're going to have to excuse the fact that it took me nearly 45 years to realize something that many people (most, I hope?) intrinsically know, but that has not been my path.  Anyway, I realized that as long as I continue to think of myself as garbage, I will continue to find people to treat me as such.

Don't get me wrong, I have had moments of happiness and loving myself and I bask in the warmth and light of some really, truly, amazingly wonderful friendships.  However, when it comes to men, it's like they can peer down into my soul and see I'm missing something, they sense my devastatingly low self-esteem, and it is extremely attractive to certain types of men.

These men give me just enough to hook me, just enough love, just enough kindness, to fill my void.  And then they go for the jugular.  And they aren't even bad men.  But they are men who don't trust women.  And they aren't trustworthy.  When you are dealing with a man who is not trustworthy, you are always under fire because they can't conceive of  a world where you are truly loving and devoted only to them.  At the same time, I can never fathom what they are doing, because I cannot conceive of a world where I would do something like that to the man I love.  So here we are not understanding each other at all, until it all blows up.  And then I can see it all so clearly.  Even with past experiences to guide me, I still can't always see.  Or maybe, in this case, I really, really didn't want to.

Now this is has not been every man.  I've known many good men.  I've never felt deserving of them.  So those relationships couldn't last.  Other relationships we loved each other then grew apart.  But these soul devastation situations, these are with this one certain type of man.

And now, finally, the year I turn 45, I understand.  I have to stop believing I am garbage to attract men who will treat me with the type of respect and love I have to offer them.  Period.

 I bought a puzzle recently.  I was drawn to the website by a social justice coloring book and I saw the meta puzzles and impulse bought one.  Now, I am going to use that 1,000 piece puzzle as a guidepost and meditative release.  As I work to complete the puzzle, I will use that space to grieve the loss of this love and work through all of the complicated emotions associated therewith.  When I put that final piece of the puzzle in, I will be taking back the key he held to my heart, and I will take back the title to my body.  Wrong or right, I handed the man my whole self.  Body, mind, spirit and most importantly, my greatest treasure, my precious heart.  They are out there in limbo now, as he left them to pursue his other interests, and I, in mourning, am not ready to reclaim them.  

But the day will come.  And if I get lost and try to forget my problem instead of deal with it (which puts me in the dangerous territory known as the backslide zone), I will have a super tangible reminder, as the puzzle will remain unfinished in my living room. 

Honestly, I feel the pain everywhere.  It manifests physically even.  But as long I keep breathing, the time will pass.  And the passage of time will shift the pain from acute, to intense, to throbbing, to persistent, to a knot in my heart which, someday, maybe someone new will release completely.

Yes!

https://music.apple.com/us/album/too-much/1192537641?i=1192537669

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Three

 He sent me flowers yesterday.  The card read,"I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me And Let's Talk.  I Wouls (sic) Never Betray Or Deceive You.  I'm Loyal And Dedicated To You Forever.  I Love You.  Adonis."

I wanted to print out all the screenshots and mail them to with his hypocritical card.

I look again and again at the pictures in my phone.  I read his words to these women.  I look at the photographs they sent him and he sent them.  And my HEART BREAKS AGAIN AND AGAIN.  Over and over it breaks.  Over and over.  

I do this so I don't forget, not for one second, how little regard the man I was going to marry has for me.  Because my heart wants all this hurt to go away with a hug and a kiss and a promise that everything will be different.  But I know I can't ever be with him again.  But my heart and my body yearn for him.  They had been given over to him 100%.  My intuitive mind, it tried to tell me but it wasn't strong enough.

I curse myself for not seeing it earlier.  For putting myself through this.  For spending all my money going to visit his family.  For still, even now, wanting nothing more than for this to be a dream from which I wake-up and we're in love again and there's no undercurrent of philandering.

But, alas, there probably never was a time he wasn't doing this to me.  And I don't even know if he's just been catfishing or if he's actually seeing some or all of these women.

And now I feel sick all over again.  But that's what it takes for me to stay strong.  I just have to keep facing that pain, again and again.  Losing my trust, over and over.  Breaking my heart, until it's so exhausted, he is purged from it and has no power over me.

I have a long way to go.  *sigh*

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Two

 So sleep remains elusive.  I can usually fall asleep, exhausted, around 9 or 10 p.m.  But I wake-up a few hours later with this stabbing pain in my chest.  Oh, right, that's my broken heart.

I don't really wonder why as much as I don't understand how.  How could he so thoroughly and consistently do the ONE thing I begged him not to do to me.  How could he not be willing to let go of all those girls when he knew I was hot on his trail?  How could he LET ME SEE THAT??  A simple change of his password.  We would have had another issue, because I would know in my heart he was lying to me.  But to do nothing to keep my heart safe from this complete devastation is just so fucking callous and cold.

I guess the real question is how could I have not seen.  Again.  How could I keep going back, again and again, KNOWING in my heart 1 and 1 was equaling 3.  But I wanted SO MUCH to believe the words he was telling me instead of the truth being shown to me.  And the sick part?  There's still part of me that wants to believe in the love we had.

But look how one-sided it was.

I just keep looking at the photographs.  That face, my man's face...all his words...to them...we look so hot together, I want you, do me, please let's get together ASAP, I want to kiss those lips...Chrissy, Kim, Deanna...

I forget to breathe because part of me doesn't want to live in this world without my baby.  But he never really was all those things he said.  I thought he was mine.  But clearly he never really gave me his body, heart, mind and future the way I gave him mine.

So I find a way to breathe.  And wait for the pain to subside.  But there's moments when I don't think it ever will.  And there's the moments when I KNOW it never will.  This is never going to stop hurting me.  But eventually it will hurt less.  And eventually, it will not be the ONLY thing on my mind, and in my heart.  I just have to be patient.  And fill in those rips and tears and jagged places of my heart with love for myself and the knowledge that I did absolutely everything I could to show that man my love for him.  I am not responsible for the fact that he couldn't see, feel and accept it.  Someday, I will be whole again.  Someday.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry One

On January 16, 2021, at 11:01 p.m., after a whirlwind week relationship-wise, I felt stronger than ever about my future with the man I called my husband.  We'd had some serious arguments earlier in the week, one of which was about the content of his phone.  Over the weekend I happened to see a crazy number of Michele's listed in his phone while he was scrolling for someone's number, sitting next to me on his cousin's couch.  When I asked him about it he said something along the lines of, "You know, the cloud keeps everything."

This raised a red flag in my head because he had made it a point to tell me, earlier in our relationship, that he deleted every female from his phone that wasn't a friend or family.  Things may stay in the cloud, but they don't magically show back up in your phone at random intervals, after you have deleted them from your phone.

I let this go for the time being, it wasn't the time or place, and I continued to strengthen my connection with him and desire to be with him, moment by moment, over the course of the weekend.

Thursday night was extremely volatile.  I had hurt feelings over something that happened and he, in turn, had hurt feelings because I didn't immediately comply with his demand to Uber to his house.  In the end, I did Uber to his house but because of the arguments from Wednesday and earlier in the evening, it didn't go well and I left.  I kept trying, however, to maintain a connection and talk things through.  He picked me up (I was walking home but was so upset I had lost my way), and I asked him to pull over so we could talk.

 During the course of his talk the contents of his phone came up.  He told me that I know the password and I am free to look at any time.  But then he wouldn't let me hold his phone to look.  He turned it around and said, "Well, what's on your phone?".  So, since I have nothing to hide, I handed him my phone.  He scrolled through my contacts questioning me on names and numbers, they all checked out.  He scrolled through my recent calls and messages, nothing exciting - just work and friends and family.  So I grabbed his phone and had enough time to see his recent calls were all female first names with a state listed after them and the notation "wg" next to several.  He snatched the phone back and refused to give it to me so, of course, suspect, right?

 We argued about this the whole rest of the way to my house while he is maintaining I could 100% see his phone he had nothing to hide while refusing to let me see it.  Finally I jumped out of the car, I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew there is no way someone who loves me and has nothing to hide would let me get to the point of upset that I did over the contents of his phone.  He said the reason I couldn't see his phone was because he didn't like the way I was acting.  Of course it was making me insane that he would say he has nothing to hide all the while hiding it.

 Still, I got home and my heart just wouldn't let it go.   I ubered back to his house and made love to him.  Fell asleep, woke-up, made love to him again and then I asked him, because I wasn't acting crazy at all and had, in fact, just given myself to him multiple times, to see his phone.  Again the words out of his mouth were, "Of course you can, you can take it with you and dissect it." So I said okay, hand me your phone.  He refused.  Again.

Seriously.  He had the time, he knew I was in an Uber back to his house, but he just wasn't willing to get rid of the evidence.

So here we are it's Friday morning.  I say to him, if I can't see the phone, I am leaving.  So I go to leave.  He insists on driving me.  I let him drive me to work.  The whole way we argue (of course he didn't bring his phone).  I tell him to let me hold the phone for thirty seconds, or produce the engagement ring he told me first, "I'm saving to buy a new one." and second, "It's in my safe deposit box." and third, last night "I have it."  So I asked him to put one of those items in my hand and I would drop the other.  Instead, he dropped me at work and let me walk out of his life. 

But see, the story doesn't even end here.  By now it is blatantly obvious to me that he has stuff on his phone he has to hide and that he doesn't have my engagement ring.  AND, I had told him earlier in our relationship, after catching him in a lie, that the ONE THING I cannot deal with is my man lying to me.

I am at work, he gets home, gets his phone and starts calling and texting.  I was maintaining that he had to give me either the phone or the ring, but I then threw in a third option.  I said TELL ME THE TRUTH, about what's on the phone or where the ring is, and you get a pass for that lie.  He comes clean about that fact that he pawned my engagement ring.  True to my word, I gave him a pass for it.  He had been lying for months about this.  Now, it never was about where the ring actually was, I am the one who gave it back to him, after all, it was 100% about the lying.

  UNBELIEVABLY, I even agree to meet him for lunch.  Of course lunch turns into going back to his house and making love and then grabbing me some food to eat at my desk at work.  After work?  BACK TO HIS HOUSE to have some more intimate time.  He dropped me off at my house after, and I was to come back over after my oldest was home and my youngest was asleep as he was letting me borrow his car the next day to take my daughter to my sister's house where she is staying a couple weeks.

He was supposed to pick me up after he went out to see his buddies but he says he fell asleep at home which at this point I am not even sure I believe.  It pains me to think of what he was doing instead.  And yes, I know for a fact that this man has the stamina to have been with me that many times that day and STILL have been able to be with someone else as well.  He's a freak of nature.

Anyway, he calls me around 12:15 and my youngest was still awake so although my oldest was home from work I wasn't ready to be picked up.  Then, I fell asleep.  I woke-up around 2:15 and called him and he said to Uber over, so I did, got there around 2:50 (I know this because I checked my ride records, you'll understand why later).  Of course, we made love again.  Woke-up and made love again at 6:00 a.m.  I left at 7:30 a.m., with his truck, so I could be home before my youngest woke-up (I had promised him that night I would be there when he woke-up).  

Now, I had asked him to ride with us, meet my sister and her family, but he declined.  It hurt a little that he did, but I wasn't stressing over it.  There had been plenty of times I declined to go out and meet his people (granted, that's because I was with him and not in a state to meet people, but still, I let it go).  When all is said and done, my daughter dropped off and I am back in the City, we ask if he is going to just drive us straight home or if he wants to hang out.  He says he wants to hang out.  Now, I have my youngest with me, because my oldest works all day Saturday.  This is the first time he has been to the home of the man I called my husband.  It's kind of a big deal for me.

On the ride over, my youngest says, "I love Adonis, is that weird?"  I tell him no, because I love him so that makes sense.  He said, "Yeah because he's family, right?"  And my heart melts and I say yes, baby.  He's family.

So, we hang out at his place, the three of us, for the first time ever.  It was SO MUCH FUN.  I was so happy and I saw our whole future...everything I was worried about melted away and things working out just fine.  Better than fine, even.

Still, at 11:01 p.m. when the man I considered my husband fell asleep, snoring contentedly, and I saw his phone lying on the floor in front of me, I grabbed it.  Just for my own piece of mind.  After all, he told me I could see it whenever I wanted, over and over again.  He hadn't changed the pass code, so that was a good sign, right?  Wrong.  He just really didn't care enough to cover his tracks, even knowing that I am hot on his trail about this phone thing.

I wanted to post the 17 screenshots I took here, but I feel like that's going too far.  I got through four girls before the urge to vomit was so strong I had to leave.  These were his most recent text messages.  I didn't even get to his calls or photos.  He was telling them all he wanted to meet up or "do them", etc.  How hot they are and how hot they would look together.  It was absolutely brutal to see.  The kicker was the 3:06 a.m. text message, "I want you Deanna.".  Want to know why?  Because, if you recall, I WAS AT HIS HOUSE IN HIS BED.

I wasn't quiet enough so he woke-up and tried to stop us from leaving.  That's a fight we've had many times.  But this time, I had my sidekick.  So I told him to tell Mr. Adonis we want to leave right now.  At least he's enough of a man to refrain from fighting an eight year old.  He moved out of the way and here's hoping that's the last I ever see of that man.  

Now, here I am, three days later, still obsessing over this.  I have looked at the group of photographs probably over 100 times.  Because every. single. time. I start to feel like I should hear him out, I look at them.  

I have to re-learn how to go to sleep without him in my mind and heart.  How to wake-up without him.  How to get through each day knowing I am not going to see him again.  How to think without remembering.  How to breathe in this new life where my heart was ripped out of my chest and handed to not one, but at least four other women.

Don't get me wrong.  I have unending gratitude.  I could have ended-up a single mom with four kids instead of three.  I could have had to go through a second divorce.  I could have gotten a tattoo with his name on it.  I could have had to go through the separation of a single household.  All of these he desperately wanted from me.  Also, more silver lining, I can't bring myself to eat, so that will help my weight loss goals.  I am so sad though.  So hurt.  So broken.  AGAIN.  It's all I can do, just to keep breathing right now.  And I'm not even doing great at that.