Saturday, April 15, 2017

The Origin of Pain (Part III)

(Part I)

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Cleanse
The Earth
My body
As one

I ask not
For yesterday
Though answers
Lurk like stalkers
In those dark shadows
Of my unexamined past

I ask not
For tomorrow
As they already
Come too fast
Too fast

But today
I cry out
In exquisite pain
As my battered heart
Works to open again

I stand
In judgment
Before no one
Except myself
Yet 
Anyone else
Would surely
Be easier on me

Well
Anyone
Except him
Who only
Ever
Sees lies
Because his brain
Twists truth
And beauty
With his poison mind
Into an amalgamation
Which one can only
Leave
Behind

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Purify
The Earth
My body
As one

(Part III)

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Purify
The Earth
My body
As one

I reach
For you
In the dark
Of the morning

I reach
For you
In the dark
Of my mourning

I reach
For you
And then pull back
Not sure
How to take
This latest attack

I don't know how
To escape
My fate
This rape
Times eight
This hate
This hate

I reach
For you
And then pull away
Ashamed
Again
For all I can't say
For the woman
I can't stay

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Purify
The Earth
My body
As one



Saturday, April 8, 2017

My dearheart...

I can't find the words
To change your life
To heal the pain
The end the strife

I can't see the end
Of the path you're on
This slippery slope
Where hope seems gone

Not for us
We persist
With love in our hearts
With strength to resist

But hope for the littles
Burdened so young
With minds so troubled
When they should only know fun

Your beauty
Your strength
It shines in their eyes
But their tears can drown you
Like the weight of their lives

I stand not beside you
On your periphery
I stand not behind you
Should you turn to see

I stand inside you
My strength in your heart
My love in your mind
My wisdom in your eyes

I hope you can feel me
Residing inside you
Amplifying the love
You need to guide you

One.  Love.


Thursday, March 16, 2017

Dear Tiffany,

When I first met you, I thought to myself, wow, this woman is STRONG.  I know you don't always feel like that right now, but in my time getting to know you better, my opinion really hasn't changed.  

Before you write this entire letter off as BS based on that statement, I want to explain to you that, in my eyes, there is NOTHING stronger than a person who is unafraid to reveal their vulnerabilities. Who is unafraid to ask for help when they need it.  Who is unafraid to leap when the situation presents itself.

I want you to know that I do feel as though I have failed you as a friend.  But in doing so, I acknowledge how I haven't failed ME.  Which is pretty huge.  I am the Queen of Martyrdom.  I would gladly chop off my right arm and give it to someone if I thought it could help them.  Once I tried to donate my kidney.  My children were so upset with me.  I couldn't for the life of me understand why they couldn't see how much more valuable that person's life was than any suffering it may cause me.  What I couldn't see was how my suffering hurts them.

You are an amazingly beautiful person.  Multifaceted and shining even in your dark moments.  I am overly familiar with the brand of pain you are experiencing.  Not the exact flavor, of course our own experiences are unique, but the same flavor profile.  

I believed we could work as a team.  But then I failed you.  As time closed in, I became afraid I would lose myself to your needs.  Because, honestly, they trump mine right now.  But my life isn't exactly in a stable place.  So I failed to communicate.  And worse, I failed to provide the level of friendship and support you needed.  But in doing so, I did manage to preserve the little bit of my own sanity I needed to get me through my current hardships.

There are good days, when I have strength enough for myself, my family, and 100 other families. Then there are bad days, when merely providing for my family has to be enough.  And then there are worse days, when I can barely provide for my family, and just getting myself through the day has to be enough.

My point is, I hope you aren't leaving because the vision you had of being here didn't materialize the way you thought it would, or as immediately.  Anywhere you go right now, it's going to be really hard.  It's going to be a lot of work.  You need to be able to trust in something, right?  I know.  It's scary feeling like you're all alone.  No matter where you go, this is going to be a crazy difficult time in your life.  So I hope the path you choose provides you the level of support and safety you need to flourish.  And I hope you know, I stand behind you and your choices 100%.  I believe you know in your heart where you need to be, how to get where you want to go.

I know you're a fighter too.  How else could you have gotten so far with the cards you've been dealt? Fight for what you want, what you know is right, like there is no other choice.  Because, when it comes down to it, there isn't.  Alternate realities, dream worlds, "easy" roads...but there's no other real choice for us single moms.  Live hard, play hard, fight hard.  Yeah, the falls can be real painful, but all we need is the win.  And the way Zara's face lights up when she sees you?  That's the win.  That light is what we fight for, day in and day out, because we know how it feels to have our light stolen. 

Anyway, I'm sorry for every time I allowed you to feel less than welcome, wanted or needed.  Every time you needed help and I was nowhere to be found.  You have been doing an amazing job and I should have been more supportive.  Alas, I have been playing the role of a human when you needed a superhero.  Luckily, you had the superhero in you to get through all this so far.  You're amazing.  I'm so glad I met you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Darkness

I wasn't afraid of darkness
Until I stopped sleeping
And the darkness
Started to feel
Eternal

I wasn't afraid of darkness
Until I stopped shining
And the darkness
Started to feel
Impenetrable

I wasn't afraid
Of darkness
Until
I began to hide in it
And the darkness
Started to feel
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