Monday, August 8, 2016

Dear Abacus,

Sometimes
When I try to write
About my love for you
I feel my heart
Wanting to burst
Or perhaps
The feeling is more like
Implosion

You see
Until I held you
Minutes old
The smallest you would ever be

Until you breathed
That same air
As I was breathing

How could I know what life was?
How could I know what life meant?

Some people
Have this amazing gift
This ability to see
To know
To understand
Without needing this little life connection
To change their perspective
And open their mind

I lacked that gift
And so opening to you
Was opening to the world
And opening my heart to love you
Was finally
At long last
Opening my heart
To love myself

Every aspect
Of carrying you
Birthing you
Caring for you
Watching you grow
Has been a lesson
In how to treat myself
And everyone else

More love
More kindness
More compassion
More understanding

You are going to be thirteen soon.
You still smile at me when I walk in the door.
You still reach for my hand when we walk down the street.
You still tell me you love me when we hang up the phone.
You still catalyze positive growth with every milestone.

I can't put into words
What it means to know you
What it means to know
That you're my son
But I will put it into every hug
Every kiss
And every "I love you"
And just hope
That you continue to smile
And reach for me
And say "I love you"
And that I continue to grow

Love,
Mama


Saturday, July 16, 2016

Dreams

If I
Permeate
Your dreams
Maybe
You
Could take
Me there
Remind
Me
What it is
To know you

Expose
Your subconscious
Desires
Fears
Absurdities

In the dreams
I've forgotten
Perhaps
You reside?

Friday, July 15, 2016

Passion

So I've been dating.  It wasn't until (well) after my relationship with the baby's father that I even realized I should try doing such a thing.  Prior to then I just sort of fell into relationships.  Randomly and generally most passionately.  I suppose I have gotten older and wiser.  Not really knowing how to approach dating, or even whether I was truly ready or if it was something I wanted or needed, I did something which speaks to my relative maturity.  I sought help.

That's really all beside the point though.  What I really wanted to think about (and I do my best thinking through writing) is a question which one of the guys in the dating world asked me.  What am I really passionate about?  What am I really passionate about?  Being a mom, sure.  Natural birth advocacy, yes.  But those are both passions borne of something else, someone else.  I hesitated to answer so long that I fell asleep before responding.  And now, now I am not sure how to respond.

Prior to children, what were my passions?  I think maybe I was too lost to have real passions.  But is that possible?  I suppose it is.  If passion is emotion I certainly lacked the emotional depth I have today had a few years ago.  There were things I loved to do, sure.  Reading, writing, art (drawing, painting), dancing, video games.  I was certainly passionate about the guys I was with, at least the serious ones.  But none of it feels real, or lasting, looking back.  I guess because I let so much go?  If I were truly passionate, would I not still be doing all of those things?  I mean sure, to some extent I still do all of those things and I even lose myself in them sometimes but does that equal passion?  I'm not so sure anymore.

I suppose I have to answer "I don't know."  It's a rather lackluster answer when all is said and done but I can't lie.  I like a lot of things, even love them, but I think maybe I (once again) lack the emotional depth to exhibit real passion.  I'd love to have a thing.  The way Sami has dance.  The way Ab has video and computer games.  The way Nexen has cars.  

The fact of the matter is, allowing myself to feel has been so incredibly painful that I retreated to the shallow end.  Feeling the depth of the universe of emotion inside me and opening up to it and others and feeling so buoyant and free for a while only to have the water open up and swallow me (because, you know, emotions are water) and dare me to breathe again...it was all I could do to make it back to the shallow end.  I feel like I need to dive back in if I want to be serious about living my life fully and I suppose that would open me up to knowing passion again.  

The question now is, is this an overnight thing?  Can I just jump back into the deep end and trust my ability to swim or do I have to take my time and feel the depth of the water as I make my way slowly back to that place?  

All I know right now is this.  I am thankful to that man, for asking that question, and reminding me of how I used to be able to feel.  The rest, I suppose, is up to Mee. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

This Morning

This morning
My heart
Bursts open
In a million directions
Spewing love
Everywhere 

Love roars out of my chest
The energy dangerous 
Then it recedes
Curls up
All fetal like
And my eyes speak
Asking
Hold me
Just for this moment 
And arms 
Wrap around me
And I sigh
Deep enough
To soothe my fiery soul
And I laugh
Joyous and alive
And the arms
Try to hold me
For one more moment 
But I struggle free
And my mind
Bursts open
In a million directions
And spews words
All over this page 

Monday, May 30, 2016

5 Minutes

Tonight
I devote
My five minutes
To you

As the rain
Works
To wash away
The memory

Fervently
It falls
As though
Fleeing
Certain doom

And my senses
Recalibrate
After being lost
Amid the gentle rainfall
Spoken word
And gentle kisses

Lucky for me
Five minutes is up

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Happy Mother's Day!

The sun
To their earth
The moon
To their stars

For a precious time
We are
The biggest 
And most important 
Person
To them
As they
Are
To us

To grow
Their tiny,
Fragile bodies

To birth
These precious babes

To watch
As they learn to do
Everything
We take for granted 

Lift their head
Recognize your face
Grasp an object
Learn to speak

Both slowly 
And at the speed of light
Their hand
Stops reaching for yours
When you walk together

Their frame
Outgrows your lap
And your legs grow numb 
When they try it anyway

Their minds work
In ways
Increasingly difficult 
To understand 

Their vocabulary 
Becomes a code to crack
And they look to their peers
As often 
As they look to you
(Or more)

Trust
And letting go
Battle suspicion 
And the desire
To hold them close

And off
They go

We watch now
From a distance 
And trust
In our own hearts

And wait for signs 
That we did
At least a few
Things
Right

I hope 
Trying to raise
My three children
As well as my Mom
Raised her three
Is a good enough sign
For her

Happy Mother's Day!


Saturday, April 30, 2016

Movement

I've been stuck
Living in
No motion
Life
Has cycled back
Out of necessity
It seems

Eureka!

A fight
In the night
Sheds light
On the path
Less examined
And my mind
Frees
FINALLY
From its chains

Breathing
It's so amazing
To remember
How

Truths
Hot
Stabbing
Truths
Pierce
My resistance
To movement
And
(Painfully)
I move on

My smile
Returns
To a place
Of sincerity

And my eyes
My eyes
Harbor
A little
Less
Pain

I'm moving
Again
Let's Go!