Thursday, October 19, 2023

Some Nights

I find myself
Doubled over
Asking to be saved
Or forgiven

I ask
To be set free
Even as
I have no idea
What that means

I beg angels
To let me go
Because I know
They've been saving me

I ask gods
To pass judgment
Because I know
They've been letting me slide

And even as
Friends
My angels
Let me go

And even as
My children
Gods to me
Pass judgment

I still know
I owe more
Than what is being asked
Of me

And I don't 
Understand
How to reconcile that

I just have
My bleeding heart
My open mind
My curious nature
My nurturing hand

And the world just
Shuts me out
Slices away
My desire
Such an expert
Swordsman
Is fate

I question
My mastery
Of anything
At all

Monday, June 5, 2023

Stories

I want to write a story that's not mine
Fantastical
Full of wonder
Characters of substance and charisma
But my story always creeps in
People I know
Myself, 
That person I hardly know
Most of the time

I want to write a story
Of someone else
But everything I write
Is still me
Somehow
No matter the subject

Am I really that self-centered?

Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Train Thoughts

 I am the hand that holds my future. I’ve never gripped it tightly.  Dropped it more than a few times.  How will age change me?  Will arthritic hands wish to grasp that which I never cared to hold, but lack the strength?  Or will my hand remain open, offering my future to any passing whim?

I’m crying inside where no one can hear but me.  My voice is always tinged with it if you listen close enough.  My legs are strong because the tears become heavy after a lifetime of crying.  Perhaps I should let them out more.


Tuesday, May 2, 2023

Shadow Mee

A moment in time
A moment of mine
I am stealing

I stole a whole day
Of this weekend

Why does it feel like theft
To claim my time for me?

Because I've given myself over
Living in my shadow form
So I don't have to feel my life
All the goodness
Slipping through my fingers

He called to my shadow
Beckoned her
He drank with her
Talked with her
Walked with her
But reached for me

And I came out of my shadow
To see him
And I let him see me
A little, anyway

And he makes me question
Do I still need to hide
In my shadow
Or am I ready
To shine?

Saturday, March 18, 2023

Saturday Morning Melancholy

I am lost
And everything hurts
I’m back at the start
All the endings stacked
So that I can’t see
Have no desire to look
For new beginnings

I am alone
My brain knows I am not
But my heart cries out
YES YOU ARE

And the quiet morning 
Echoes my loneliness 

And the solitary tear
Threatens to drop
Even as I hold it back
Afraid of a floodgate

Steeped in pain
Drenched in sadness
I force motivation 
Into my limbs
Get dressed
Go to work
Wear that smile
So my pain doesn’t spread 

Hate myself for continuing 
Hate myself for wanting to be dead
Hate myself for hurting
Hate myself for not wanting to heal

Can I force my arms to open
And accept the beauty
In my life

Can I force my mind to open
And hold happiness
Over strife

Can I force my heart to open 
I just don’t think
I can 

Friday, March 3, 2023

The Collective Mic Writer's Circle Prompt: Erykah Badu's Bag Lady

 


My first bags
Were so heavy
Filled with the rejection
Of a nation
Who upon seeing me
In my new country
Said
Let me fill that suitcase more
Because you we abhor
With your assimilation
As if my 14 month old self
Could unpack the bags
And stay
And learn to be Korean
Instead of Jewish
I couldn't even walk
Much less walk away
And the tears
On my new mother's face
Were a new bag
I had to carry
Not knowing
How to be the right daughter
For a family
That didn't know Oriental
Was a description of a rug
Not a human
And that calling me
Her China doll
Became a weight
I had to carry
Sharpened to a sword
I used to parry
Ignorance
And deceit
But worse
Eventually
The knights in underarmour
Came to say
Baby let me hold you
Let me carry your burdens
And kiss your fears
Let me shoulder those bag
And banish your tears
And I said no
And I said no
And I said no
And I said
Oaky
And they said
Damn these bags are heavy
And walked the fuck away
And I stand strong now
I stand so strong now
But sometimes
I feel weak
As if the days and weeks
And months and decades
Will bury me alive
But I stop to breathe
I surround myself with strength
And I say
There is beauty in this world
So much beauty in this world
Because we carried
Our bags
The length
And now
Sisters
Let's put them down
And rest
Let watch as life's test
Reveals how we passed with flying colors
Not just for ourselves
But for all others

Thursday, February 23, 2023