Thursday, July 12, 2018

How Many

How many times
Do I have to sit in pain
To learn
To stand in happiness

How many times
Do I have to break my heart
To learn
To be more gentle

How many times
Do I have to close my eyes
To stop
Seeing the pain in yours

How many times
Do I have to say I'm sorry
To believe
I can be forgiven (there aren't enough sorries in the world)

But still
I'm sorry

Saturday, July 7, 2018

I'm Stuck

I'm stuck
Thinking about you
And I'd really like
To have my brain back

Instead
I have answers
To questions
You asked
Rolling around and around
Since I didn't let them out

I have thoughts
You wanted me to share
Tormenting me
Because I didn't let them out

I have words
I wish I would have spoken
Wandering around lost
Waiting to be let out

And now I'm stuck
Thinking about you
And I'd really
Really
Like to have my brain back.

Thanks.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Opening Up?

There's a place
In my heart
That hasn't
Been touched
It's too
Far away
And I haven't
Opened up
But I feel
That perhaps
I'm on
The cusp
The fear
And the anger
I've had enough
I need
To let love in
Before my soul
Corrupts








Saturday, June 2, 2018

Well I tried

The quiet
Rises
From within
The noise
And my mind
Rebels
Begging
For distraction
Allowing
One moment
Of true
Meditation
To feel
Like an anchor
Plummeting
To the bottom
Of the sea
Keeping me
Docked
But the quiet
Allows so much
Pain
Sadness
Anger
To enter
And I
Don't want to feel
Any of it

And I jump

Thursday, May 17, 2018

What if?

And what if it all meant nothing
Because I didn’t know you
She spoke into the mirror

And what if it all passed you by
Because you didn’t see me
She spoke to her family

And what if I missed out
Because I never spoke my mind
She spoke to her shadow

And what if I never existed
Because you destroyed my heart
She spoke to her nemesis 

And what if I never blossomed
Because I refused to grow
She spoke to the darkness

And what if I never succeed
Because I forgot how to believe

She spoke to her fairy godmother

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Dear Nexen,

This year was the first year I didn't get to spend your birthday with you.  I didn't get to wake you up with our good morning song and a birthday surprise.  I tried to tell myself it didn't really matter, that we can celebrate on another day, but it did matter.  It mattered a lot.  

Six years ago we shared these moments as you emerged, bold and beautiful into this world.  Into our world.  










Six years ago the sky lit up with lightning and thunder boomed your arrival.  Six years ago we completed our family.  And on May 4, 2018, I didn't even get to say good morning and happy birthday.  I know in the long run it doesn't matter.  But in the moments which passed, on that day, it hurt me so much.

My love for you can't be captured in a word, a letter, a story or a book.  It can't be captured in a poem or a blog post.  It can't be captured in a song, a video or a gift.  But if you look at the way I smiled, on the day of your birth, you'll see the truth of my love.  My love is your favorite number, infinity.


































Love,
Mama



.
   



Monday, May 7, 2018

Here's My Mind

Here's my mind
For your judgment
Amusement
Criticism
Empathy
Sympathy

The way
I most effectively
Release thoughts
Is through my fingertips

The way
I most effectively
Release emotions
Is also
Through my fingertips

Talking
Confuses me
The words to convey
My thoughts
Accurately
Elude me
In speech

But here
Fingers tapping
Against the keyboard
Their own rhythm
Their own beat
Their own melody
Even

Here the words
Flow
Like music
Through a dancer's body

I can hear pain
I can hear sadness
I can hear anger
I can hear pride
I can hear love
I can hear happiness
I can hear peace
I can hear hopelessness
I can hear confusion
I can hear contempt
I can hear surrender
I can hear the past
I can hear the future
In the music
My fingers make
With the keyboard

My mind bleeds
Words
Hemorrhages
Half-written poems
My fingers race
To release
The deluge
And I
I brain splatter
This blog
And you
For some reason
Read it

Whatever it is
You think
Of my mind
Whatever it is
You do
With my thoughts
Don't get it twisted
It's twisted enough