Friday, January 13, 2017

Dear Box,

Thank you.  I am grateful for how you've sheltered me all these years.  I needed your protection, I was fragile, I needed to heal.  I felt so safe inside of you.  Warm.  As I grew, you stayed the same. I found myself shrinking, to fit inside of you.  To stay safe.  Warm.

But safety became a delusion.  Because I had outgrown you.  So I lived in denial, kept shrinking to fit.  During my various growth spurts, I would stand-up, look around.  I started to venture out, from time to time.  Run, dance...play.  Pain would come, I would retreat to you.  Shrink myself as best I could.  Hide.

The word I chose this year is "Open".  My first step, dear box, is to not just venture outside, but to leave you behind entirely.  I know there's another little girl, who needs your protection, during a vulnerable time.  Hopefully she will be insightful enough to leave you behind as soon as she outgrows you, instead of continuing to hang on, as I have.  Far, far too long.

And so, today, I write to tell you I'm leaving you.  I'm moving on.  I'm done shrinking to fit, denying myself the opportunity to stand in my pain and grow stronger in my own right.  The pain will come, and I will no longer retreat.  I will not seek shelter or safety.  I will experience the pain and grow stronger.  Perhaps I will need to reach out, but no longer will I run and hide.

I am Open.

I am Love.

I am Resilience.

I am Mee.

Finally.  

Friday, December 23, 2016

Hey, 2017, you're right around the corner!

This is my plan for you...

Mondays:  I will make a concerted effort, including making a budget, to get my finances under control again.

Tuesdays:  I will honor one child this night, in rotation, so that acknowledging how special they are to me becomes more a part of our routine.

Wednesdays:  I will not work on merely accepting mistakes I have made, I will actively celebrate one mistake I have made in my life and thereby come to realize the joys of my imperfect state of being in an attempt to lessen some of my default fear-based control responses.

Thursdays:  I will work to care less about things and focus more on positive actions to reduce the stuff in my life.

Fridays:  I will do one thing to honor and connect with my inner child.

Saturdays:  I will involve myself/my family in one community/political action.

Sundays:  I will reflect upon the week and catch-up on any unfulfilled daily goals and reset myself and my family for the week ahead.

I found that having lofty, generalized goals for myself/my family have not been working optimally. My hope is this will make the work of self-improvement easier to digest and implement.

I'm ready for you 2017!  Let's do this!

Friday, December 9, 2016

Possibilities

It's possible
I loved you
It's possible
I
Always
Will

It's possible
I'm fine
Without you

It's possible
That hurts

It's possible
You were
Everything
I needed

It's possible
You
Left
Everything

It's possible
I don't know
What I'm writing

Sometimes
Words
Just
Flow

It's possible
Today
Is special

It's possible
Today
Is the day
I walk away
Forever

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Just. Go. Away.

See me.
For who I am.
For who I have been.
For who I am trying to be.
Or just. go. away.

I realize.
I'm far
Far
From perfect.
But,
I work
Daily
On awareness
And growth
NOT
Belittling
And blaming.
So, please.
Just. Go. Away.

See me.
For who I am.
For who I have been.
For who I am trying to be.
Or just. go. away.

The last word
Is yours
I'm done.
Just. Go. Away.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Black and White

Lost and found
Old and new
Wet and dry

Opposites may have attracted
Once
But the repulsion is evident
Now

I may have robbed my children
Of their black and white world
Everything went gray
Too early
For them

I was so lost
Once
And then
Again
And then
Again

What do I even expect to find?

I feel old
Even though love is new
I guess because once
New love = uncomplicated
And now...
Now the only thing that's simple
Is the end

The tears
Stream
Down my cheeks
Wet
The fountain
Of future
Happiness
Dry