Tuesday, September 19, 2017

My Tears


Maybe
One has your name

Maybe
It's more than one

Maybe
They are for lost love

Maybe
They are for love I never had

Maybe
They are for the loneliness
That wakes me
At 3:00 a.m.
To hold its hand
And remind me
How empty
My bed feels
At 3:00 a.m.

Maybe
They are for the children
Disappointed
Because their life
Their home
Their mother
Is not beautiful
Like on TV
Or in the movies

Maybe
They are for the stress
Of a day
That begins before dawn
And doesn't end
Until, exhausted
And defeated
I fall into bed
For those precious few hours
Of unconsciousness
Before Loneliness
Wakes me again

Maybe
They are for gratitude
Because despite all the mess
My life is not empty
And despite all the drama
I still have friends
And despite myself
I am. Still. Here.




Saturday, September 16, 2017

Saturday

6:00 - Wake-up and work until laptop battery dies (left my charger at work in a hurry to pick-up Nexen from the bus stop after realizing in a meeting I was three minutes late on Friday)
7:45 - Wake-up Nexen to get him to 8:15 soccer, get him dressed and make breakfast burritos.
8:00 - Need to leave for soccer to get there on time but Nexen has to go potty.
8:15 - Out the door, literally run with Nexen on my shoulders to soccer.
8:30 - Nexen's father shows up unannounced at soccer with his girlfriend's daughter and sit next to where I am standing.  I move to the other side of the field and try to calm myself.
8:50 - Nexen doesn't want to play in the soccer game.  He sits on my lap and cries and I half-heartedly try to to convince him to go back out.  I know why he's upset and doesn't want to play.
9:15 - Soccer is over and Nexen's dad asks if he can play with his girlfriend's daughter on the playground for a while.  I have to get to a funeral service and then get Sami to dance classes so I agree on the condition he take Nexen to Abacus at the house when he is done.  So I guess that worked out.
9:30 - Sami and I walk to funeral service for old co-worker's husband.
10:30 - We have to leave halfway through the service to get Sami to dance, never even get to pay our respects because I didn't want to disrupt the service.
11:00 - Make it to dance class, Sami forgot her tap shoes.  Can I bring them to her before tap class at 4:30.  Of course.
11:15 - Walk to work to get charger for laptop so I can work tonight.
12:30 - Make daily goal of 12,000 steps.
12:45 - Get home and play with Nexen.  Interrupt Abacus on his 8 hour facetime conversation with girl from school a few times.
3:00 - Take Nexen and head to the bus stop to take Sami her tap shoes.
3:45 - Get to dance school and wait until 5:30 for Sami to finish Fusion 2 auditions and tap class.
5:30 - Allow Sami to talk me into Ubering us home because she can hardly move after her full day of dance.
6:00 - Get home and make dinner.
7:00 - Make ice cream run with Abacus.  Pours raining on us on the way home.
9:00 - Nexen falls asleep watching "Pirates of the Carribean".  I finish watching it by myself.
11:00 - Overcome by love and gratitude.  Samurai's passion for dance, Ab's for soccer and Nexen's for life.  Nexen has been verbalizing sadness and frustration about having to be "shared".  The new schedule has been hard for him I know.  The boys were bickering when they were at home alone this morning.  I talked to Nexen about family and how it is the foundation and strength of the love in our heart. Sometimes in our heads we get frustrated with people but in our hearts we love them and we need to be careful to always speak from our heart and not our head because it's hurtful.  He was sweet and understanding.  He expressed love towards his brother the rest of the day.  I should probably talk to Abacus about it too though.
11:17 - Grateful for everyone who is helping me raise my children.  I shouldn't feel alone as often as I do.  There are so many people who help me.  I don't and can't say thank you enough.  I love you.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Face to Face

Face to face
With the life
I ruined
The only one
Completely innocent
It makes me sick
How he doesn't think
To protect her
But why do I
Still
Expect
Any common decency
From that man

Face to face
With the path
Forsaken
The look
On her face
Could not be
Mistaken

My life
For yours
I would
Have given it
I still would
If it could make things
Whole again
For you

I will
Always
Be sorry

Weight

I am no stranger
To carrying
Extra weight
On my shoulders
Often enough
I meet people
So amazing
They want
To help me
Carry it

But all it takes
Is one
Who wants
To bury me
Under it

I have met him
It is working
Bravo
You are winning

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Where

Where can I find
A gentle hand
To touch me
In a way
That I
Feel
Safe

Where can I find
A strong shoulder
To rest my head
And lean on
For a moment's
Respite

Where can I find
A true heart
That doesn't try
To take
To shield
To run away
To yield
But just
Be true
And still
And kind

Where can I find
Those pieces
Of myself
I've given away
Over the years
And wish
I still had

Where can I find
The answer
To the tears
That haven't stopped
Since the hearing


Where can I find
My heart

I need it
To love myself
Again

Friday, June 23, 2017

Him

I met a man
For whom
I would
Have
Died
He took
My love
And with
His twisted heart
And
His twisted mind
He twisted mine
And now
He makes
Me
Want
To
Die

Ain't love grand?

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Wow

Well
That took
No time at all
You are
Really
REALLY
Working hard
For my downfall

I wish
I could say
I'm strong enough
To withstand
Anything

But I'm not
I'm breaking
And you're doing it
And knowing
That you're enjoying it
Doesn't even make me feel stronger

You reopened
All my wounds
And now
With no time to heal
You've set to work
Stabbing
Going for the kill

You are
A vicious
Vicious
Beast

I pray
That I never know
The true depth
Of your rage
And capacity
To cause pain
Because I am sure
I've only seen
A fraction