Thursday, May 17, 2018

What if?

And what if it all meant nothing
Because I didn’t know you
She spoke into the mirror

And what if it all passed you by
Because you didn’t see me
She spoke to her family

And what if I missed out
Because I never spoke my mind
She spoke to her shadow

And what if I never existed
Because you destroyed my heart
She spoke to her nemesis 

And what if I never blossomed
Because I refused to grow
She spoke to the darkness

And what if I never succeed
Because I forgot how to believe

She spoke to her fairy godmother

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Dear Nexen,

This year was the first year I didn't get to spend your birthday with you.  I didn't get to wake you up with our good morning song and a birthday surprise.  I tried to tell myself it didn't really matter, that we can celebrate on another day, but it did matter.  It mattered a lot.  

Six years ago we shared these moments as you emerged, bold and beautiful into this world.  Into our world.  










Six years ago the sky lit up with lightning and thunder boomed your arrival.  Six years ago we completed our family.  And on May 4, 2018, I didn't even get to say good morning and happy birthday.  I know in the long run it doesn't matter.  But in the moments which passed, on that day, it hurt me so much.

My love for you can't be captured in a word, a letter, a story or a book.  It can't be captured in a poem or a blog post.  It can't be captured in a song, a video or a gift.  But if you look at the way I smiled, on the day of your birth, you'll see the truth of my love.  My love is your favorite number, infinity.


































Love,
Mama



.
   



Monday, May 7, 2018

Here's My Mind

Here's my mind
For your judgment
Amusement
Criticism
Empathy
Sympathy

The way
I most effectively
Release thoughts
Is through my fingertips

The way
I most effectively
Release emotions
Is also
Through my fingertips

Talking
Confuses me
The words to convey
My thoughts
Accurately
Elude me
In speech

But here
Fingers tapping
Against the keyboard
Their own rhythm
Their own beat
Their own melody
Even

Here the words
Flow
Like music
Through a dancer's body

I can hear pain
I can hear sadness
I can hear anger
I can hear pride
I can hear love
I can hear happiness
I can hear peace
I can hear hopelessness
I can hear confusion
I can hear contempt
I can hear surrender
I can hear the past
I can hear the future
In the music
My fingers make
With the keyboard

My mind bleeds
Words
Hemorrhages
Half-written poems
My fingers race
To release
The deluge
And I
I brain splatter
This blog
And you
For some reason
Read it

Whatever it is
You think
Of my mind
Whatever it is
You do
With my thoughts
Don't get it twisted
It's twisted enough







Wednesday, April 25, 2018

In the night

My unconscious mind
Conjures
Scenarios
Which connect me
With men
In intimacy
Marriage, even
And I wake-up
With a start
My body
Alive
With sensations
That only awaken
In my dreams
Because
How can I
Trust
The poisoned words
"I love you"
How can I
Possibly
Let anyone
Close
Again

Apparently
I can't

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Where were you?

Where were you
When I was lost
Searching for truth
In the darkness
Of deceit

Where were you
When I was looking
For meaning
In the space
Between my breaths

Where were you
When I was crying
Waterfalls
Of sorrow
Pools of pain

Where were you
When I was wandering
Cold
And alone

Where were you
When I cried out
For an end
To the misery
Of this chosen path

Were you watching
Were you listening
Were you hoping

Were you waiting
Were you wandering
Were you writing

There were times
I thought I knew
It was you

There were times
I was sure
It wasn't

At this time
All I know
Is that you're out there

And that your path
Was as difficult
As mine

And the strength
We'll have together
When it's time
Is unobtainable
To anyone
But us

So it doesn't matter
Where you were
And it doesn't matter
Where you are
All that matters
Is that we're ready
When we find each other
Again
For the first time
Again
For the last time
Again
For the only time

Thursday, March 15, 2018

03/15/2018

Today my heart rises
Large and full
Like a supermoon
Thirteen years ago
Your birth journey
Brought to surface
Not only
The strength
I hold within
But
The strength
Of all women

First
Moving inside me
Then
Moving through me
Finally
Just
Moving me

I remember
Your first smile
Your first wave
Your first kiss
Your first hug
Your first step

Traveling through
The twists and turns
Of my memories
Of you
I am reminded
Over and over
How you taught me
To love
How you taught me
The importance
Of being myself
How you taught me
That true strength
Is keeping
An open heart
Even when you're hurting

And so today
We celebrate
Your journey
Thirteen years
Of beauty
In mind
In spirit
In action
Thirteen years
Of loving you

I'm still growing
Into my role
As your mother
You're still growing
Your mind
Your spirit
Your actions
And I'm so proud
Of every moment
Of our journey

I love you Sami