Saturday, January 13, 2018

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

Tonight I feel as though I have more tears than words.  Still, I am compelled to write.  Your eyes which once watched me full of wonder, awe and love now look on with judgment, disdain.  I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, and I can't magically become someone else who might be more palatable.  And still my love for you only grows (even though at times my tolerance may shrink).  As it grows, my heart breaks a little.  More.  It breaks a little more. 

Yup.  Definitely more tears than words.

I surrender to them.

Goodnight.  

Monday, December 25, 2017

The Fiction of You

The fiction 
Of you
I wish
It were true
The person
You lied
Into existence
The person
Whose heart
I thought
I knew
When all
You did
Was reflect
My heart
Back to me
And I thought
You
Were so beautiful
But really
It was my love
I was seeing
You 
You have
No such
Capacity
For love
And now
Like 
Swallowed glass
You rip me apart
From the inside
Whenever
I allow myself
To feel
Whenever
I try
To heal

The fiction
Of you
I wish
It were
True

The truth 
Of Mee
I don't
Know how
To see
When everyone 
Writes
Their own
Fiction of Mee
And it's easier
To live
In your story
Than to write
My own

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Sadness

If there
Was a tragedy
Lurking behind your eyes
I didn't see it
In time

Or maybe
I did
And
I did nothing
Or anyway
Not enough

I know
I can't
Save the world

But it's possible
Is it possible?
I could have
Helped
You

I hope
With all my heart
That someone can

Music Mood

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Reality

Reality
Is more
Than merely
My
Perception
Of
Life

Reality
Is
My experience
And
Perception
In conjunction
With that
Of everyone
Else

Delusion
Is where
You refuse
To acknowledge
The experience
And perception
Of another
And insist
That your
Own perception
Is the only
Reality

You
Deem yourself
Above
Labeling me
As delusional
All the while
Refusing
To acknowledge
My experience
My perception
Believing in
Honoring
Only
Your own

You
Deem yourself
Wisest
Of all
Certifying
That knowledge
With a piece
Of paper
And
Initials
Hard earned
Granted
But this
"Wisdom"
Has you blind
To reality

Physically
Financially
Spiritually
And
Emotionally
YOU
Damaged
Me

I
Have not
Sought
Vengeance
Retaliation
A path
Of hate
Or
Of harm

In fact
Quite
The opposite

But you
In your delusion
Allow yourself
To see
Only
Negative Mee
And she
Isn't
Even
Real
She only
Lives
In your head

The Mee
Most others
Know
And see
Is more
Representative
Of
Reality

But you
Deny
She exists
Choosing
Instead
To continue
On your path
Of hate
And harm

I try
To let it go
See past
Live with compassion
Letting go
Forgiveness
Letting go
But still
I lose sleep
Wondering
Crying
Why

Why
Can't we
Just be
Happy
Left alone
Autonomous
I asked
For nothing
But space
You chose
To suffocate me
With lawsuits
And the lies
Of your poisoned mind

You didn't
Kill me
Yet
But
You came close
Very close

Once again
I rise up
Out
Of my own
Perceived
Defeat
Only
Because
For every
Thought
And action
Of hate
You unleash
Upon me
And my children
There is
A counter thought
And counter action
Of love
And kindness
And I
Can see that
Now
I
Can feel that
Now
And I
Can
Accept that
Now




Thursday, November 2, 2017

How do you change the world?

Is it a song you post on Facebook
A friend clicks
And it takes them to a new place
Of understanding
Of peace

Is it an object
You inadvertently drop
A person trips
And their life completely changes
In that instant

Is it a child's experience
For which you are responsible
And take for granted
Too many days
Not even realizing
What you are creating
Until you look back

Is it possible
To know
To understand
All the ways
We change the world?

Of course not.

So maybe
We should be
More vigilant
About how
We act
Within it

I'm Cold

And sick
And I wish
You were here
To hold me
Because
In your arms
I feel safe
And loved
And warm
And happy

And I miss you