Thursday, March 31, 2022

Day Ninety! 03/31/2016

 Thursday, March 31st
9:40 a.m.

I'm at acupuncture.  Yay!  It's not Eva but that's okay.  Cara is newer but it is still helpful and she's loosely categorized as a friend.  :)

So I haven't been good with communicating with you this week.  Mainly because I don't know how to be honest about how I am feeling but not leave you hanging in the lurch because I don't have time to discuss it.

Maybe acupuncture this morning and an early day at work will resolve things.

10:50 a.m.

I'm feeling pretty awesome!  Yay!  Planning a long run tonight too so we'll see.  Maybe with my head clear all of this confusion will fade away to nothing.

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Day Eighty-Nine: 03/30/2020

03/30/2020
Evening time

Dear R,

    So things have NOT been super fantastic.  Work stressed me the F out today which is extra annoying because I am not getting paid to be stressed.  I am not getting paid at all.

    I am about to bake cookies with Sami though because her brothers stressed her out.  It's nice that I can do that at least.

    I miss you and I hope you are doing well.  Healthwise and spiritwise and soulwise.  

    I have seriously gained 10-15 pounds in the last two months.  Just over the last two days have I begun to take actual steps to reverse that.

    Life is complicated.

                                                                                Love,  Mee

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Day Eighty-Eight: 03/29/2012

 03/29/2012
1:10 p.m.

    Taking a little break from work to drink my medicinal herbs.  I feel as though they've helped a lot.  I feel wonderful right now.  Peaceful and optimistic.  Proud of myself, my body, my kids and my baby.  This weekend I want to do more nesting.  I am so excited for this next month and I am also praying it doesn't go too fast.

    My thoughts of Him have turned from dark to light.  It is a huge relief for me and the baby.  I am so thankful for the quiet.

    Life is good.

    Oh, and Elton is making his presence known in my life.  On the one hand it is comforting.  On the other it is scary.  I'm not sure if his timing is perfect or horribly wrong.  His energy is good and positive so I will remain open to him for now.  I pray I can raise my children with the emotional intelligence to not have these hardships.  All mine will then be worth it.

Monday, March 28, 2022

Day Eighty-Seven: 03/28/1997

28 March 1997
1:15 a.m.

Who am I?

I am not a name.  I am not a gender.  I am not a race.  I am not an age.  I am not an IQ.  I am not a category.

So who am I?

I am not good.  I am not bad.  I am not honest.  I am not a liar.

I am not a quality.

So who am I?

Sunday, March 27, 2022

Day Eighty-Six: 03/27/2016

 Sunday, March 27, 2016
10:54 p.m.

    So I'm a bit surprised to see I have gone two weeks without writing, but it has been a long two weeks.  Long and busy.  So maybe I mean a short two weeks.  

    Sami's birthday, Randy moving in, Nexen getting sick, me drinking too much too many times...I haven't been making a lot of great decisions lately.  I have to step-up and slow down at the same time.

    

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Day Eighty-Five: 03/26/2021

 03/26/2021
9:39 p.m.

"Can you name every sound you are hearing right now?"

Bob's Burgers.  Cars outside.  Pen on paper.  Breathing

                                                                                                💗Mee


Just for fun, I will do the same thing now.  (03/13/2022 @ 11:59 a.m.).

Refrigerator hum.  Me typing.  Nexen watching YouTube in the bedroom.  Breathing.

Friday, March 25, 2022

Day Eighty-Four: 03/25/2020

 03/25/2020
9:33 AM

Good Morning R!

    I am feeling a bit better than yesterday, although I did not make much progress on my to-do list.  Today is another opportunity to get it right.

    I was able to fall asleep a little earlier last night so I feel like that will help kickstart a better more productive circadian rhythm.  

    I hope you are faring well.  I imagine life is a little more normal since you still get to leave the house and go to work.  Abacus went to work yesterday.  He is an "essential food service worker".  Life is so strange right now.

    I am currently listening to a meditation about "shempa".  Which is basically our default urge in the space of unpleasantness.  I should probably listen to this one more often.

    The quote of the day on my meditation app is, "Let difficulty transform you.  And it will.  In my experience, we just need help in learning how not to run away."

    Anyway, I think I am starting to turn around my downward spiral.  Being able to stay grateful is a huge part of that.  Staying on track with my journaling is also a key component to my sanity and mental health.  So thank you again for this journal and being my inspiration to do better.

                                                                                                                I love you,
                                                                                                                   Mee

Thursday, March 24, 2022

Day Eighty-Three: 03/24/2021

 03/24/2021
7:38 a.m.

    If anyone's story begins in one book, it's not mine.  My story begins within the pages of many books, written and unwritten, foreign and domestic.  My story is told in words but begins with and lives in ideas.  My story is like the rain, falling indiscriminately upon all surfaces, in any place on earth water might penetrate.  My story is suffocating me, strangling me, owning me and estranging me.  My story is begging to be written, and so I've given it a pen.

    Today's story begins on a train.  Far be it from me to start at the actual beginning.  But can you ever pinpoint the beginning?  All I know is right now, this morning, I am on a train.  The train feels lonely, even it its purpose-driven state.  I listen as it calls out the stations, not knowing whether anyone is even listening.  How do you ride the train?  Listening intently for your stop?  Or do you ride with eyes closed, counting the open and closing of the doors until your time to disembark?

    I carry my umbrella, to ward off the rain as I harden my heart, to ward off the pain.  But just as a swift wind or passing car can render my umbrella useless, so might a kind word or a warm embrace soften my battle-worn heart.  Battle-worn, battle-torn - I can picture the moment our love became a battleground.  And there I was so unprepared for your "Art of War" mentality.  There I was treasuring the Art of Life, oblivious to your sneak attacks and advanced weaponry.  Taking for granted the moment I was categorized as an enemy to be kept closer.  Blinding myself with love and naivete while you strategized to always be two steps ahead of an opponent you never had, in war waging only in your head.

    To this day, my heart bleeds broken promises all over the train car while bitter tears rain down, eluding the umbrella of my logical mind.  I take a calming breath, or three, wipe the tears that I may see, and step off the train into my world, safe from yours.  For now.

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Day Eighty-Two: 03/23/2009

 03/23/2009

I've been
A little lost
Lately
And instead
Of running away
And hiding
I find myself
Reaching out
And I've noticed
In those moments
You always
Seem to be there
You always
Seem to care
And I must say
I really
Dig that
About you
The way you find me
In my lost moments
And pull me away
From the downward spiral
I know
As solitude
The way you are
Is gentle
And unassuming
The way you are
Is genuine
And reassuring
The way you are
Captured me
In a way
I really wasn't
Ready for
You offered me
Moments of sanctuary
I feel safe
Around you
I feel safe
With you in my life
I feel safe
In your arms
On those lucky nights
And I'll never
Ask for more
Than you're
Willing to give

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Day Eighty-One: 03/22/2021

 03/22/2021
10:17 p.m.

"Fairy tales are more than true...not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."  -Neil Gaiman

    Of course, all I can think, is why would you want to beat a dragon?
    
    So, I spoke with Bob again tonight and we are meeting in two days instead.  It was a nice conversation.  I am looking forward to meeting him.  Not sure if the date with Morgan is on.  We'll see.  I will reach out Wednesdsay during the day, to check.

    I think I am getting better at dating.  Again, we'll see.

                                                                                                                💗Mee

Monday, March 21, 2022

Day Eighty: 03/21/2021

 03/21/2021
Zelda's 8:28 p.m.

The words swam
Through the quagmire 
Of her thoughts
Found a patch of dirt
Planted theselves
And blossomed
Buoyed by this
Successful effort
They grew 
Toward the moon
Finding the moonlight
Intoxicating
The stems reaching upward
Were art itself
A conduit for life
On the vernal equinox
Along came a farmer
Who picked them
Bagged them
And now
They're a crunchy salad
Infer what you will
But remember
The next time
You enjoy
A crunchy salad
Of fresh picked words
All the trouble they took
To grow

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Day Seventy-Nine: 03/20/2016

03/20/2016

Holy shit I had no idea it's been nearly two years since I have written.  That's insane.  Curiously, it was Grandpa's birthday the lat time I wrote and now we attended Grandpa's 70th surprise birthday party today.

     You have grown a lot these past two years and I am sad to say we have grown apart.  At least, that's how it feels.  I think I am absent from your life a lot now because I am always taking Sami to ballet.

    You are doing awesome in school this year and cultivating new friendships.  Games and gaming is still the biggest way we connect.  It's been a long time since we have had a productive talk.  I think a Dr. Jeanette session is in order.

    For your birthday this summer I want to take you to an electronic music festival or at least an all ages concert.  I'm going to look for one now.

    I love you with all my heart and soul and I am so proud of you!

                                                                                                                        💗Mama

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Day Seventy-Eight: 03/19/2012

 03/19/2012

    So here I am at the beginning again.  I am still so angry.  Or maybe it's that I'm still resentful.  I do love myself and my children and this baby.  I do not take for granted (much, I think) all that I do in fact have (health, home, money) but I worry because of my situation and how I'm soon not going to be able to make money the way I am now.

    I have committed moral crimes in my life.  More than I care to think about.  I have been blessed to have "gotten away" with what I have.

    One thing I have learned for sure is that my writing is dangerous.  Too many times it has opened the door to horrible situations.  In my writing my feelings come too easily and I have finally come to understand that sharing of my feelings is not always appropriate and can lead to misinterpretation.

      I am very angry with myself for allowing these things to happen.  I am so angry that I was so easily fooled...again.  That self-love thing I never learned, those instincts that were torn away - this couldn't have happened to just anyone.  Most other people don't hate themselves as much as I have.  Most other people have a voice.  Most other people have moral fortitude.
    
    I don't hate myself anymore, most of the time.  But it takes work and sometimes I'm just too tired.  And hating myself is easiest because I really don't want to hate anyone else.

Friday, March 18, 2022

Day Seventy-Seven: 03/18/2021

03/18/2021
9:46 p.m.

"Is there something you could do today?  Feel the center of your own gravity.  You matter."

    I accomplished small things today in my choices to do and not do.  I feel centered today.  I know I matter and am matter though I am hardly important enough to create my own gravity.  Or is that the thing I do which draws strangers into my life?  I'm uncertain.

    Adonis sent me a card.  I will write to him.  I will not see him.  It's over.

                                                                                                        💗   Mee

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Day Seventy-Six: Undated Poem

It was
Years
And years
And years
Ago
And maybe
We held hands
And played games
I don't remember
Now
But we've forgotten
Haven't we
Or maybe just lost
Our way
Together
I don't remember much
From way back when
But I rememer
Distance
And I remember
Sadness
And I remember
Anger
Too
And I don't know
That we've ever been
Real
With each other
At least
Not since
Becoming conscious
Of reality
And I really
Do try
To remember
Sometimes
But I lost
So much
And not looking
For all this time
Has left those memories
Just out of reach

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

Day Seventy-Five: 03/16/2014

 03/16/2014

What is loneliness, but someone else's freedom?  What is freedom, but someone else's jail?  What is jail, but someone else's journey to happiness?  What is happiness, but someone else's pain?  What is pain?

Pain is my unit of measure of success in my life.  And it never means the same thing.  Another day, perhaps, I'll have time to expand upon this thought.  But today, today I have much to accomplish and diminishing time.

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Day Seventy-Four: 03/15/2021

 So I am sad there aren't more entries on this day since it is Samurai's birthday.  I am going to chalk that up to me actually spending time with her on her birthday. 

03/15/2021
10:43 p.m.

"Most people live and die with their music still unplayed.  They never dare to try."  -Mary Kay Ash

What is my song?

The first song which comes to mind is Bjork's Hyperballad.

Perhaps, it's time to work toward a new song.

                                                                                                            💗Mee


Monday, March 14, 2022

Day Seventy-Three: 03/14/2019

 03/14/2019
4:17 AM

    So Drew was mad.  He didn't speak to me all day then showed up at the house at like 1 am or something.  He woke me up and immediately brought-up the questions I asked.  He basically threw gasoline on me, lit a match and not only watched me burn but told me repeatedly to keep quiet while I was burning.  Now he's sleeping and I am on sleepless night number two and I have a MASSIVE fucking headache.  I think I might take a bath.  We'll see.

                                                                                                            💧Mee

Sunday, March 13, 2022

Day Seventy-Two: 03/13/2019

 03/13/2019
1:26 AM

    Okay, so I have seriously fallen off with my journaling.  Again.  Admittedly, I put my inner self on a shelf for a little while.  I got tired of looking at myself.  I needed a little break, perhaps some new perspective.

    Drew's birthday passed.  I didn't completely fail so that's a relief.  A month of worry and stress is over.  And I have a good idea for next year, should we make it that long.

    Speaking of which, I think I inadvertently pissed him off tonight.  We shall see.  If he stops talking to me for a few days I will know I am being punished.

    I know the Spring is coming.  I can feel the darkness lifting from my soul.  The heaviness is leaving my heart and the sluggishness is being purged from my body.  Yay.

    I am very grateful this morning.  For friends, family, Drew.  Even my job.

    I love my life and embrace and cherish the love that's in it.  Yes, Spring is definitely coming!

                                                                                                        💗Mee

Saturday, March 12, 2022

Day Seventy-One: 03/12/2012

 03/12/2012
9:09 am

    This weekend was very difficult but at the same time, very grounding.

Friday, March 11, 2022

Day Seventy: 03/11/2021

 I know there are a lot of 2021 posts for March but it's a tricky time of year.  I didn't write a lot in March through the years, only in high stress times, and the pickin's are slim.

"Look inside yourself.  Can you sense who you are meant to be?"

Who I was meant to be is in the pages of the story of my life which I have yet to write.  I feel the most powerful thing about me has always been my writing.  I was meant to be a writer.  A writer of truths which reside in fact and fiction and everywhere in between.  I cannot wait to awaken to be this person, although, I truly am finally enjoying my journey.  It feels meaningful now where before my brain painted my surroundings meaningless and caused me to feel such despair!  Anyway, here's to my continued emergence.

                                                                                                                            💗Mee

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Day Sixty-Nine: 03/10/2021

 03/10/2021 @ 10:46 pm

"What if...?"

    What if I was allowed to be a full time mother to my children?  What if I were able to sustain a relationship?

        WHAT IF I WERE WHOLE

        Instead of in pieces.


        💗Mee

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

Day Sixty-Eight: 03/09/2021

 03/09/2021
9:46 pm

"How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?"  -Epictetus

I will not wait any longer.  As I learn to treat myself as a whole person, others will learn, or slowly be left behind (perhaps quickly, in some instances).

                                                                                                                                     ðŸ’—Mee

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Day Sixty-Seven: 03/08/2012

 03/08/2012
6:18 am

    I asked to meet with (His) wife.  She agreed.  I just want to know how she's doing since (He) and I started talking again.  What she thinks of his latest email.  I can't imagine she is okay with all his desires.  It doesn't matter if she is, because I am not.  But I would just like to know how she is doing.  I don't want to be causing more pain.

    I have been thinking obsessively.  Walking down the street crying again.  Is it a hormonal surge?  Full moon?  Or am I not doing enough?  I felt great last night and today...yesterday...not so much.  Why?  What has changed?  Nothing I can perceive at this moment.  Oh well, better get my day started.

    Oh, Abacus lost a tooth last night.  He wanted to sleep in my bed so he didn't crush the tooth.  Then he asked if I am the tooth fairy.  I admitted I am not.  He then asked if the tooth fairy would know where to find his tooth.  I said she'll always find it under the pillow of the child with the lost tooth.  So he moved the tooth and still slept in my bed.  Then he asked me to write a contract at work that he would sign stating he would sleep in his own room (except under certain conditions).  He's so funny.

    I love my children with all my heart.  I am trying to do what's best for them in life, it's just hard for me to see sometimes.  I have definitely reached a new level of awareness.

    (He) said in his letter he hopes we can be friends someday.  For brief, light encounters, I can be "friends" with Randall.  But I stopped loving Randy almost five years ago.

    There is a part of me that is still in love with (Him), despite everything.  This is why I am so afraid of him.  He is not the only one I do not trust.  I do not trust myself around him.  I'm not talking physically, my body completely is closed.  To nearly everyone now.  I couldn't even let Jodi hug me.  But my mind and my heart.  They are already too weary from the battle.  I need to allow them to rest confidently and build their strength.  I cannot allow them to be toyed with again.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

    I have enough shame to handle.

Monday, March 7, 2022

Day Sixty-Six: 03/07/2015

 03/17/2015
9:27 am

    Waiting for Samurai at the orthodontist and then off to ballet.  Boys are home together.  It was only 14 degrees outside so I didn't want to bring Nexen out (plus he was sleeping).

    I had to take a giant step back with T because I think we inadvertently jumped into really deep water and the last thing I want is for us to drown so soon.  That being said, I owe him an email from that night so I'll go do that.

                                                                                                                            Mee

Sunday, March 6, 2022

Day Sixty-Five: 03/06/2015

I think what's bothering me about these entries is that the beginning of March seems to be when I start giving up on my introspective phase and trying to reinsert myself into the world.  Other than the years with the tumultuous relationship garbage, the theme of March appears to be dating and new relationships.  Go figure.

03/06/2015
3:08 p.m.

    Today I'm home for snow closing.  Getting some cleaning done.  Still talking to T on email though I cooled it down for both our sakes.  He sent me a video of his puppy playing in the snow.  It was so cute.

                                                                                                                                Mee

Saturday, March 5, 2022

Day Sixty-Four: 03/05/1996

Five Oxymorons

The living dead
echo
their mirthful wail
and sorrowful laughter
throughout
the confined expanse
of their birthing coffin

Friday, March 4, 2022

Day Sixty-Three: Undated Old Poem "Perpetual Emotion"

I couldn't do it another day in a row.  The content of my early March entries thus far is trash.  So I am going to pull out an undated poem to break up this cluster of subpar drivel.  This poem is really old.  I might have posted it before, somewhere.  I don't know.  I'm depressing my current self with my past self right now.  Hopefully I can turn things around over the next few days.  If not, I'm going to have to come back to this when I am feeling stronger and more confident.  😅

Look at the faces
See the radiant smiles
Covering the deepening frowns
See the twinkling eyes
Hiding old and new tears
See the innocent expressions 
Darkened by the knowledge of sin

Listen to the voices
Hear the boisterous laughter
Tinged with malignant malice
Hear the lighthearted happiness
With a hint of terminal anger
Hear the sweet whispered promises
Over the cry of now broken ones

Now sniff the air
Smell the perfumed lady
Her natural scent of pain
Smell the crisp, cool clean
Underneath is sickness
Smell the fragrant flowers
Mingling with the stench of death

Sample the elements
Taste the solid earth
And gulp the open air
Taste the sobering rain
And then digest dry land
Taste the burning fire
And swallow frozen ice

Finally, touch the world
Feel the beating hearts
Of young and old alike
Feel the rhythmic breathing
Of the world, a living being
Feel the soothing, striking motion
Of perpetual emotion



Thursday, March 3, 2022

Day Sixty-Two: 03/03/2021

 The beginning of March seems to be a quiet time for me in terms of personal journaling.  Not really sure why.

03/03/2021 @ 8:31 p.m.

I'm exhausted.  Long day.  Not enough sleep over the past couple days.

Trying to pull myself out of an impending funk.  Here's to the better me showing up!

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Day Sixty-One: 03/02/2010

 So, it was a real toss-up because my two entries were from 2010 and 2014.  We already know from yesterday I'm not feeling great about that 2010 version of me but the 2014 version...well...she's just gotten on an internet dating site and...I just probably shouldn't post that one.  So we'll do 2010 me just to reinforce how pathetic I was being.  In case it hasn't sunk in yet.  All I can say is, I am SO GRATEFUL 2022 Mee is not still stuck in that place.  It hurts to remember how hard it was to go through, get through, get over and get real.  All I have to do now?  Stay real!

03/02/2010

So tonight doesn't feel as good.  He said he wanted to see me but seems he's changed his mind.  Oh well.

I didn't expect but I found myself hoping.

Hey Jen:  you're an idiot.

Thanks self.

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Day Sixty: 03/01/2010 and 03/01/2021

 Made it to month three!  I am really very impressed with myself.  This has been good for my soul though, I suppose that's why I keep doing it, with regularity.  If only I could be so consistent with exercise...I would have my body AND my mind in shape.  Someday, perhaps...#goals2023 😉

Also, I CAN'T STAND the version of me I keep meeting from 2009-2010.  It's really cringeworthy stuff.  I try not to post much from that time (kinda like how 2012 is a lot of madness), but sometimes it's all there is.  And I have definitely chosen NOT to put some of it out there, opting for an undated or something alternate, but I no longer get to choose who I was, only who I become.  So for that reason, I'm just going to go ahead and let it all hang out there today.  

But, for the record, I am not a fan of the version of me whose entire emotional state is centered around whether I get attention from some man.  I am SO GLAD I have outgrown that (you know, for the most part 😓)!

03/01/2010

It's crazy how the writing on the oppose page is five months old yet are feelings that have cycled through again and again.

I'm excited I feel maybe I'm reaching a new plateau but the only way to really know is to see whether the cycle repeats itself.

Tonight he alluded to hanging-out but I held no hope or expectation.  He finished work too late and I found I wasnt disappointed.  I guess I'm a bit nervous about seeing him anyway given the recent changes in my state of mind.  More on that later though, sleep is in order!


03/01/2021 @ 9:49 p.m.

"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."  -Oscar Wilde

I am okay with working on this.  That says everything!