Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I am not throwing stones
I am mending broken bones
It wasn’t sticks and stones
That broke my bones
It was your words
Your actions
That hurt me
My bones are fine
My heart is broken
My brain screams
To let you go
But I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know how

I shut you out
And you scream from the inside
I want you back in my life
But I have too much pride
I want you back in my life
But the sobbing won’t subside
I want you back in my life
But I’m tired of hurting
I’m exhausted from living
This kind of life
Where I can’t trust anyone

Thanks to you
I now trust myself
Because I’ve finally come clean
I never understood
What it really was to lie
To others
To myself
I never understood
The damage I was doing
To others
To myself
I never understood
The pain I was capable of causing
Until I set myself free
To love someone completely
And they betrayed me

I want to let go
I want to forgive
But I’m not ready
Because first I need to live
In a place
With people
I can trust
And love
And stay there
Long enough
To be safe
From you

And to think
I once felt safer
Than any other place
Ever in my life
When I was in your arms
And all that time
I was being comforted
By lies
By deception

What you did to me
Makes me sick
Every time I think of it
Every time I think of you
So why
Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

And no
It is not lost on me
That someone
Right now
Feels this very same way
About me

I died a thousand deaths
In a thousand different ways
And still I am breathing
So I have to go on
I have children to raise
And baby to grow
And a world of wonder
That someday I may know
If only I can forgive myself
If only I can forgive you
If only I can forgive myself
If only I can forgive you
If only I can forgive myself
If only I can forget you

I don’t ever want to forget what I’ve done
But I do want to continue to grow
So I need to let go
I need to let go

I want to be in that place
Where you don’t matter to me
I no longer feel anger
I no longer feel love
I just respect you as the human being that you are
And I love you for being human
But nothing more
Nothing more

No one
In my life
Knew everything
Until you
I do not regret
Trusting you
Because I discovered
My capacity to love
Is far larger
Than I had ever
Given myself the chance
To understand

To have loved
The way I loved
Is unbelievable
It’s like fairytale
Until the part
Where you find out
He never loved her back
And then
Then the story
Becomes quite real

There is nothing for me to do
But feel my way out of this
There is no more running
There is no more hiding
There is just turning around
And facing all my demons
And shouting
It’s now or never
Slay me now
Or you will never
Get another chance

Because soon
I will be purged
And I will emerge
A woman who has done bad things
But is no longer bad
A woman who cannot be judged
Because she no longer
A woman who is tired of hurting
And other people
A woman who will not run
Or hide
From anything
A woman who loves herself
And everyone else
And by living
In this way
All she will have to give
Is love
No more anger
No more fear
No more hurt
No more judgment
Just love

And I see her now
And I will be her
Just wait and see
She will be Mee

Saturday, November 26, 2011


We live in a society ruled by fear and it disgusts me.  I don't want my children growing-up afraid to walk down the street.  Tonight, at 6:00 p.m., I allowed my eight year old son to walk two blocks to Wendy's, to get himself a frosty and fries, and return to my office.  I asked him if he wanted me to walk a block behind him, so he would feel safe but still be independent.  He said he wanted to go alone, he had my phone and knows the way.

He walked there with no incident.  He called me on the way to say he was fine.  But once he got in the Wendy's the patrons freaked out that he was in there by himself and got a nearby police officer involved who detained him and summoned me to pick him up where the officer proceeded to berate me in front of the restaurant and loudly advise me he would be reporting me to DHS.

Here's the problem I have.  If the officer was so concerned for his safety and well-being, why didn't he escort my son the two blocks back to the office and talk to me there.  That's not what he was concerned with.  He was concerned with making the public feel that he'd admonished me properly.  He didn't care that my son ended-up in tears when he wasn't scared until he was detained by the police officer.  When I came in he made a point of very loudly stating that he could have been raped or killed in the two block walk to Wendy's.  

Well I for one do not feel safe that our police department feels that in two blocks, at 6:00 p.m., a child could be raped or killed just by walking two blocks down the street.  Perhaps if he spent time detaining criminals instead of eight year old children, the city would be a safer place.

If our society, instead of being horrified that a child is walking alone, just paid a little extra attention so that child felt safe, our society in general would be a safer and happier place.  I do not feel bad or stupid or negligent for allowing Abacus the chance to be independent.  I refuse to believe that at any given moment a horrible thing is going to happen.  I understand that it can, but I believe the more we are afraid the less we truly live.  I don't want to teach my children to live in fear and not believe in themselves.

Abacus is now scared of getting in trouble with the police and annoyed that people don't mind their own business. He said that if people didn't go up to the officer, the officer would've never even noticed him and he would've been back at the office without incident.  But he fully believes in his ability to walk down the street by himself in a reasonable neighborhood at a reasonable time of day.

Bad things are going to happen to us no matter how much we try to protect ourselves from them.  The best thing we can do for our children is increase their belief in themselves and their ability to handle difficult situations.  Allowing small amounts of independence at a time when they desire it is a fantastic way to do that.

The fact of the matter is I work really late.  I don't always have money for the bus or the patience to stand on a corner 30 minutes waiting for one.  So I walk.  Alone.  All the time.  At all hours of the night.  The chances of something happening to ME are far greater than the chances of something happening to him.  But I can't do anything to remedy that situation at this point in my life.  So what if something happens to me, and all my son knows is that he's only safe if I'm around?  I don't even want to think about that.

My son needs to believe in himself.  Right now, at this point in his life, he DOES.  He believes in his abilities because I have always stood behind him and allowed him the independence to grow into that belief.  His little sister is very timid.  I haven't made her feel ashamed of it or that she has to try to change it.  That will come naturally.  But given that fact, it is even more important that her brother believe in himself.  If something happens to me, she will need him to know what he is capable of.  And my son is capable of doing anything he believes he can do.

If a child is taught their entire life they are only safe with a grown-up, then whatever grown-up they are with has power over that child whether they are good or bad.  If a child is taught their entire life they are safe when they feel safe, and if they don't, they need to get somewhere or around someone with whom they do feel safe, that child will always carry their own power.  In a situation where they are abducted they will not be afraid to run away, to cross the street, to get somewhere safe, around people who are safe.

I refuse to believe that I acted negligently or harmfully.  I did not force him to do something alone out of laziness or not caring.  It was a lot of work to not follow after, but I wanted to know I could trust him and I could trust society at large.  I'm glad people pay attention.  I wonder, if a bad person had tried to approach him, would those people have said anything then?  Or just watched and shook their heads at my negligence.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Where am I?

I am in a place
Where the only light
Is shining from the inside
Every day
I wake-up
In darkness
I can't see where I am
I can't see where I am going
So I close my eyes again
And find the light
And it guides me

Sometimes they are there
The little lights of my life
That came from inside me
And those mornings
Are a lot brighter
But these mornings
When all is dark around me
I wake-up
And remind myself to breathe

I am here
Just where I need to be
And it is the most painful place
I have ever been
And I am alone
And I am not looking to be comforted
Or distracted

It would be easy
To fall into a moment
Because those moments
Are exactly what caused this fall
It would be easy
To take comfort
In arms that used to hold me
And a voice
A voice that once spoke words
That made my heart take flight
It would be easy
To put away my defenses
And feel that love again
For even just one night

But the truth has burned my eyes
And scarred my soul
The truth has ripped my heart out
Beating from my chest
And with exacting coldness
Torn out that part he gave me
And replaced it with this mess

I work feverishly
To stop the bleeding
And heal my wounded heart
I intend to be reborn
To have another start
A new beginning
A chance to live free
Or maybe it's less of a rebirth
And more of an evolution
I will be the love I see
And I will not bother my eyes
With any more lies
Show me something real
Or just fucking leave me be

Monday, November 14, 2011


Something ripped me open
From my little death woken
The fading rhythm of a lifeline
Is music for a dead child

I'm skirting the rim
Skirting the rim of reality
Skirting the rim
Love, don't pull me in

Somehow everything is broken
Hours past and never replayed
I sing the sadness of a love that
Though it lives, can never be made

There are cracks where
The white light burns through
Seems I see everything but the truth
Once more to that sacred place
The dream that sucks me under
I'm skirting the rim
Skirting the rim of reality
Skirting the rim
Love, don't pull me in

Somehow everything is broken
Hours past and never replayed
I sing the sadness of a love that
Though it lives, can never be made

Somehow everything is clearer now
Hours pass with never a relief
I sing the sadness of a moment
Though it lived was never seen, seen, seen

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

August 25, 2008

You know
There's this
Part of me
Straight up
Good heart
In me
Is obscured
By all
The bad thoughts
I think
Of myself

And still
I shine
An inexplicable
Which makes
Think things
Feel things
I don't

And all throughout
My history
I've had
In me
The ones
I knew
The best

And it's funny
How that
Sticks with you
The opinions of
A selected few
And beats
You down
Over the course
Of your life

And I knew
I wanted
To disassociate
And learn
Of something
To make me
And worthy
And loved

But you know
I spent years
And years
And now
I'm tired

My legs
Are still
And the
To run
Is miles long
And I know
I can outrun
My past
At long last

I find myself
Standing still
Biding my time
Examining my mind
For reality
Beyond perception
For true
Of this girl
Of this woman
Of this life
Of this family
And all that is
Important to me

I've made
My life
A battlefield
I lacked
The strength
To resolve
My inner struggle
And inner peace
Brings balance
And I was
Finding my way
On the right path
Some time ago
But my brain
Confuses quiet
And emptiness
And does not
The peace
To stay
For fear
Of becoming
Brain dead

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

August 12, 2008

There was a note
In the song
Of a bird
In a tree
A single note
Which spoke
To me
It said
In life
Not even love
Is free
And this
Of songbirds
This one
Spoke more
Of my misfortune
Than I

Summer, 2008

And the days pass
And my resolve lasts
Only as long as my memories
Are colored and fanciful
An imaginary hue
As long as my memories
Are distorted of you
Of him, of our life together
It was months over years
A function of time
A fraction of life
A majority of my mind
And the realness creeps back
Into my peripheral vision
Vision which had blinders
Since the division
Of our life
Into neat little compartments
Of our time
Into parcels of child care
How strange to turn children
Into a time share
But so long as they remember
Each day our love
Which once was so powerful
It rained gifts from above
Lives inside their hearts
And beats there as one
And they are the blessings
We call daughter and son
This time we deem troubled
Will reveal blessings doubled
In the form of parents
Happy and free
To discover their own paths
Which were simply too narrow
To walk side by side
And experience growth
We both wanted to lead
Neither to follow
And the lesson I've learned
Is of strength and of pride
Is of love and respect
Is that to be real
It doesn't need to be perfect
As long as you know
Which ties to sever
And when
Everyone's life can be whole again

October 6, 2008

He draws me
And smiling
And I'm
So thankful
I'm always happy
In his mind

I asked him
To tell me
About his day
And he responded
By saying
He wouldn't answer
Until I gave him
Something he wanted

How young
He is
To have learned
To hold my love
To get what he wants

Later in the night
When he didn't
Want me to leave
He graced me with a response
And I wanted to lie there
And talk about his day

But my train was coming
And he was up past his bedtime
So I left him
As I do
So many more nights
Than I ever thought I could stand
But I do
Because I have no other choice

The price I've paid
For being reckless
With my life
Is losing
The only beautiful thing
I've ever made
And it just isn't getting any easier

Although I'm coming to know the routine
And a certain numbness in my brain
Does serve to help me maintain
This harrowing schedule
These points of departure

And how I do cherish
And live
In each moment
I spend with them

Although I admit
The day to day would leave me weary
I like to think
I wasn't entirely ungrateful
For what I had
When we were whole