What it is
To know you
In the dreams
Friday, July 15, 2016
So I've been dating. It wasn't until (well) after my relationship with the baby's father that I even realized I should try doing such a thing. Prior to then I just sort of fell into relationships. Randomly and generally most passionately. I suppose I have gotten older and wiser. Not really knowing how to approach dating, or even whether I was truly ready or if it was something I wanted or needed, I did something which speaks to my relative maturity. I sought help.
That's really all beside the point though. What I really wanted to think about (and I do my best thinking through writing) is a question which one of the guys in the dating world asked me. What am I really passionate about? What am I really passionate about? Being a mom, sure. Natural birth advocacy, yes. But those are both passions borne of something else, someone else. I hesitated to answer so long that I fell asleep before responding. And now, now I am not sure how to respond.
Prior to children, what were my passions? I think maybe I was too lost to have real passions. But is that possible? I suppose it is. If passion is emotion I certainly lacked the emotional depth I
have today had a few years ago. There were things I loved to do, sure. Reading, writing, art (drawing, painting), dancing, video games. I was certainly passionate about the guys I was with, at least the serious ones. But none of it feels real, or lasting, looking back. I guess because I let so much go? If I were truly passionate, would I not still be doing all of those things? I mean sure, to some extent I still do all of those things and I even lose myself in them sometimes but does that equal passion? I'm not so sure anymore.
I suppose I have to answer "I don't know." It's a rather lackluster answer when all is said and done but I can't lie. I like a lot of things, even love them, but I think maybe I (once again) lack the emotional depth to exhibit real passion. I'd love to have a thing. The way Sami has dance. The way Ab has video and computer games. The way Nexen has cars.
The fact of the matter is, allowing myself to feel has been so incredibly painful that I retreated to the shallow end. Feeling the depth of the universe of emotion inside me and opening up to it and others and feeling so buoyant and free for a while only to have the water open up and swallow me (because, you know, emotions are water) and dare me to breathe again...it was all I could do to make it back to the shallow end. I feel like I need to dive back in if I want to be serious about living my life fully and I suppose that would open me up to knowing passion again.
The question now is, is this an overnight thing? Can I just jump back into the deep end and trust my ability to swim or do I have to take my time and feel the depth of the water as I make my way slowly back to that place?
All I know right now is this. I am thankful to that man, for asking that question, and reminding me of how I used to be able to feel. The rest, I suppose, is up to Mee.