Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Out of My Mind


I need

To get out of my mind

I have been very productive
A great deal
But this
Has taken me
From work
I need
To do
On myself

I find myself
And judgmental
Obsessive, circular thoughts

And so
I need
To get
Out of my mind
And find my way
To my body
To my authentic self

Which is not
A paragon of production
A perfect employee
Or mother
Or housecleaner
It is a person
A pregnant one, no less
Approaching her third trimester
On occasion
Needs a good rest
And must learn
To not feel guilty about that

But who will do my work
If I rest?
Who will care for my children
If I rest?
Who will clean my house
If I rest?
No one.
And that's the point.
It will all be there
For you to take care of
When you're done resting
So why drive yourself
To the edge of sanity
Why not
Give yourself a break

There will always be more work
There may never be
Another chance
To simply stop
And enjoy the feeling
Of growing a life
Inside of you
To enjoy
This type of personal growth
That only devastating loss
Can inspire

I am fortunate
In a million ways
So I need to stop
Pushing myself to do more and more
And urge myself
To pause
And remember
Why I am working so hard in the first place

Monday, January 30, 2012


I have some tears inside
They want to come out
Be released
But lately
There has not been a safe place
Or time
And I feel them
And occasionally
They just leak out
But I need an outpouring

What I really wish
Is that there was someone
Who could hold me
In their arms
And let me cry
Until I become empty of tears
Who would understand
That everything is okay
I am fine
I just
I just need to cry

What I really wish
Is that I could go
To my Daddy
Like when I was a little girl
And sit in his lap
And tell him my troubles
And cry away my sorrows
And have him wipe my tears
When I am through
And tell me
Everything will be okay

But those safe harbors
No longer exist for me
I don't trust
Any grownup
Enough to let them hold me
Or enough to believe them
If they were to tell me
Everything will be okay

The only person
I can truly trust
Is me
And I've been holding myself
And comforting myself
All these months
And I'm tired

I just wish
For one moment
Someone else
Could be strong for me
So I could let go of these tears

Just wants to be my baby
She's so afraid
Of all the coming change
I have a secret
I haven't told her
I just want
To be someone's baby

Friday, January 27, 2012

Here Inside

Here inside this dream
I'm living as my life
The shadows dance around the truth
Polluting the corners of my mind
I need to find that light
From which they cannot hide
I need to find that love
To eternally reside

I walk the streets alone
(Although sometimes I am beside myself)
Yet I breathe in air for two
And I know that children are the greatest wealth

I believed once in a man
And it was a foolish thing to do
For that man captured a heart
To which he could not be true

Every step I take
I feel more and more alive
Every breath I breathe
I pray for the pain to subside
And the universe answers me back
Love him less
And you will be free

If you do not love him
He can no longer harm you
Then  you can forgive
And live with peace in your heart

And so my poor heart weeps
And works to gain control
Of this love that spread
From heart to mind
To body
To this new soul

To extinguish
To forgive
To let go
To cease to live

I look up at the buildings
Their beautiful lines
These structures built
By us
For us
With walls
Keeping secrets

Will I ever know a man
Who can see the truth in my words
The reality in my heart
And be strong enough
To accept
And reciprocate
This love I have to give

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Lately I have been obsessing about forgiveness.  What exactly does it mean?  What exactly does it entail?  If I forgive someone, am I expected to pretend as though I was never hurt?  If I forgive someone, does that mean I will no longer feel that pain?  If I forgive someone, doesn't it just open me up to be hurt all over again?  

I googled forgiveness and read the Wikipedia entry:

"In Judaism, if a person causes harm, but then sincerely and honestly apologizes to the wronged individual and tries to rectify the wrong, the wronged individual is religiously required to grant forgiveness."   

"In Judaism, one must go to those he has harmed in order to be entitled to forgiveness.[12] [One who sincerely apologizes three times for a wrong committed against another has fulfilled his or her obligation to seek forgiveness. (Shulchan Aruch) OC 606:1] This means that in Judaism a person cannot obtain forgiveness from God for wrongs the person has done to other people."

Being Jewish, these were most interesting to me (though didn't particularly resonate, more like they were interesting as idea artifacts from an ancient world).  I read through the passages on forgiveness from the other listed religions and theories too.  Nothing really made me go, "Ah ha!"
I do however, like this little bit...

"Yoga teachers Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad analyse the use of unconditional love and the associated concept of forgiveness as a foundation for authoritarian control.[33] They survey a number of religions worldwide and conclude that the imperative of forgiveness is often used by leaders to perpetrate cycles of ongoing abuse. They state that "to forgive without requiring the other to change is not only self-destructive, but ensures a dysfunctional relationship will remain so by continually rewarding mistreatment."

Feeling unfilled by my Google search, I looked for books.  I am anxious to read more about it.  
But on the walk to work this morning, I did have something of an "ah ha" moment.  I was thinking about how much I love the spiritual teachings of Aikido.  And how difficult it is, by comparison, in this beginning stage, for me to put everything together in practice.  I know why, because it's new, and I have to think about everything I do, every stance, every ukemi, I have to think about proper form and where all my body parts are supposed to be.  But with practice, I know I won't have to think about it anymore.  It will be second nature to me.  It will just flow. 

And then I thought, well isn't that just what forgiveness should be?  I love the idea of forgiveness, the concept.  I want to live my life saying, it's okay that you made a mistake, it's okay that you hurt me this way, everything will be okay.  But the fact of the matter is, it's new to me.  All this pain I feel, it is so bad because the foundation is so huge.  It is a lifetime of me never forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made, and allowing that pain and resentment and hurt to guide me through fear and avoidance and all those other character defects which have left me off at this place in my life.  It is a lifetime of me never forgiving others for hurting me.

I am a beginner with this forgiveness thing.  I started by forgiving myself for mistakes I have made.  Allowing room for me to be imperfect and human and not judge myself so harshly and deem myself unworthy of happiness for the duration of my life for the sins of my past.  I would never in a million years sentence another human to the punishments with which I sentence myself.  I have to remember to forgive myself constantly.  I need a lot of practice.  But I am working very hard at this new concept.

Next, I need to begin to forgive others.  And although I have not read any of my forgiveness books yet, I have an idea of how to start.  I start inside.  Every time the pain comes up, I will very carefully, very consciously, say to myself, I forgive him, and then I will work to release the pain.  And when it comes again (because I know it will, for a long time to come), I will do it again.  I will practice this again and again until it is second nature.  Until forgiveness flows through my mind and my heart and my soul.

And then, then I will be ready to face him.  I will be ready to look at him and say, I forgive you.  

But for now, it takes everything I have just to practice.  And I just hope he will find it in himself to start being respectful, and leave me alone so that I may practice.  It would be a shame to turn from this beautiful path out of anger and frustration and hopelessness, which is how I feel each time he contacts me even though I ask and have asked him again and again for only one thing, to leave me alone to heal.  Each time he reaches out I feel angry, all over again.  And frustrated, all over again.  And hopeless, like this pain will never end, like it will never find its way out of my mind and body and soul.  Every moment he is out of my life I feel closer to freedom, every time he reaches out to me I feel as if I'm being slammed back into a cage and I have to start all over again on my passage to freedom.  

In reality, I have been asking since June for him to let me go, to set me free.  But he swore to me I'd be happy in my cage.  He promised me we'd fly together someday, I just had to wait patiently, in my cage.  Then he covered my cage with a blanket of lies, so that I would feel warm and safe.  But I am not so simple that I will see the darkness and just assume it's night and sleep soundly.  I was, however, so trusting that I waited patiently for a lot longer than I should have, never realizing it was all a charade.

Um, good morning tangent.  Sorry, I was talking about forgiveness.  Maybe that was me trying to release a little of the pain.  Maybe that was a step on my path to forgiveness.  I will be optimistic and say that's exactly what it was.  I forgive you for not letting me go in time.  I forgive myself for not just flying away.  I forgive you.  I forgive me.  I forgive you.  I forgive Mee.

It still hurts, but perhaps a little less.  I will keep practicing.  You, you just stay away.   

Monday, January 16, 2012


My thoughts wanted to flow
Like poetry
But the constraint
Of the images
Stifled the thoughts
And so I will just air them
Free and clear
To take whatever form they please

The past is unchangeable
The future, unpredictable
It is only the present
This present
That we can change

This moment
I am present
I am loving
I am forgiving
I am understanding
I am righteous
And for each and every moment
I remain so
My past
Becomes more beautiful
My future
Becomes more hopeful
And my present
Remains a present
I share with all I love
And I strive
To love


Quite unexpectedly, I made it to another Zelda's.  It was one of those days which started off in one direction, and ended in another state entirely.  I can't help but feel it was just meant to be like that.  I brought my children with me but they were not so into the writing assignment.  They participated and all, but it's clear they need a few more workshops.  I am happy that they were there, however, and got to meet some beautiful people who have been very important to me over the years and be a part of the workings of some of the most beautiful minds I know.

We did a word list poem.  Cousin Jodi supplied the theme, "Kids".  Our word list was as follows:

truth telling

This is my poem:

In the beginning
There was love
It was the exploration
Of an entirely new world for me
Sweet like candy
His absence
Left holes like cavities

In the end
The truth was told
And cold
Perhaps love and hate
Are cousins
Or perhaps
All men are pigs

Either way
This love train
Ran me over
Crushed my heart
And parked its caboose
In my soul

Lucky for me
I've come to recognize
As beginnings
As growth
And children
As another chance to live

Sunday, January 15, 2012


So I'm not really sure what I dreamed about, but I woke-up to a personal revelation.  Recently I was lied to in the most devastating way I could possibly conceive of.  As a matter of fact, I couldn't conceive of it and even now I have difficulty believing that this has happened to me, but here I am caught in a reality where I feel like a mountain has crashed down on top of me and to come back to where I once lived I first have to dig and crawl and climb out from underneath and then begin the perilous climb.  Not to mention the process of mending all that was broken in the devastation.

Anyway, in the aftermath I was repeatedly called, "delusional".  I was informed by multiple people, mostly by The Liar and those close to him, that I was, in fact, delusional during the course of our relationship.  That it wasn't only his fault for lying to me, it was also my fault for not seeing what was obvious to everyone else.

So this morning's revelation deals with this idea.  I woke-up suddenly understanding that I have been lied to my entire life.  When I was a child, and in a position to learn to trust myself and all these intuitions everyone says I should have but that I lack, this is when I learned to trust what other people say and how other people tell me they feel over what this "intuition" tells me.  My parents lied to me.  Not malicious, deceitful, hurtful things.  But they lied to me to "protect" me from unpleasant things.  They never believed I had the strength to deal with hardship, and so I have spent the rest of my life, in essence, proving that I can.  It's funny how their "protection" led me to life of dealing with so many things I never would have had to deal with had they never lied to me.  (Not blaming, I love my parents and understand they did the best they could, the best they knew how.  Just realizing is all.)

What happened was that when bad things would happen, they pretended that they weren't.  So that negative energy, sadness, whatever it was I was feeling from them, my parents, the people I trusted most in the entire world, told me it wasn't there.  Everything was fine, happy, wonderful.  Everything was always okay.  This taught me I can't trust my own instincts.  That what I felt was wrong.  That reality is what other people tell me it is.  There is no other way to reconcile this dilemma at a young age.  Either your parents are right and you are wrong, or your parents are lying and you are right.  Let me tell you there are not many children (any?) strong enough to believe in themselves over their parents at a young age.  

I was taught if I love someone, I should believe in them and that what they say is real because that is more real than the feelings I have inside, than the energy I am receiving.  I have spent the entire rest of my life being deceived by people.  Finally, at 35, I am awake.  Finally I am learning to trust myself, my instincts, what my body and the energy of universe tells me is real and right and true.  

This revelation has filled me with great satisfaction about my maternal instincts.  I have always been very careful not to lie to my children.  If I am sad I admit that I am, if I am tired or angry or sick, I let them know that I am and to the extent it is appropriate, I explain why.  I have always been this way without even realizing how important it is in the development of their psyche and character.  

My method of parenting has always been completely opposite from the way I live my own life.  I parent from the heart and entirely by instinct.  If something feels right to me then I do it.  If something does not, I don't, even if the majority of society tells me I should or shouldn't.  I believe this has served me very well so far.  From the births themselves to these first few years of parenting, I feel that given all the hardship I have done very well.  I am very, very proud of my children.  Of course there are always improvements that I can make and I am always, always seeking to make them.  But parenting is one of the only things in my life I am strong enough to do without confusion or regard for what everyone else tells me to do.  If I feel it is wrong I don't do it.  Period.

This is a mentality that absolutely can and will be applied to the rest of my life.  Realizing that my instincts and my feelings are NOT wrong or less valid than other people's is a GIANT LEAP for me.  In my latest failure of a relationship (but is it really a failure if I learned and ultimately gained so much?), I gave all of my power over to The Liar.  I never should have done that.  I believed that love was about sacrifice.  About compromising oneself and one's own personal happiness to "prove" the sincerity and depth of my love.  Guys have really loved that about me.  The selfish, narcissistic ones really get to have their cake and eat it too.  I'm finished with that mentality.  

I'm not cured of the way I've spent 35 years of my life thinking and feeling.  But realizing that it has been wrong and can be made right has been a huge burden lifted from my psyche.  I have not even started climbing the mountain yet.  I am still struggling underneath, trying to find my way out.  But I can see the light up ahead, and I feel the warmth of the sun which I am excited about and working tirelessly to feel on my face again.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Quote

I have been reading "An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress".  It is a fantastic book. I want to share this quote:

"Nature spirals in and out of failures, each one leading to the rebirth of something new.  There's nothing final in failure, it moves into success, dark into the light and back again."

I could write a book of my failures.  In the end, it is my success story.  So this quote really resonates with me.  It's part of a much longer quote which speaks to something more personal than I wish to post here.  But anyway.  Fantastic book.

A Page from my Journal

January 9, 2012
7:48 a.m.

I've begun reading, "Eastern Body, Western Mind"  Figure 0.3 is a Table of Correspondences which relates 12 concepts to the seven chakras.  I am most taken, at the moment, with the correspondence of "rights".  It feels so good to read, write and think...

1.  I have the right to be here.  I have the right to have.
2.  I have the right to feel.  I have the right to want.
3.  I have the right to act.
4.  I have the right to love.  I have the right to be loved.
5.  I have the right to speak.  I have the right to be heard.
6.  I have the right to see.
7.  I have the right to know.

These are the inalienable rights of every human.  I have lived my entire life believing to some extent that I did not have any of these rights.  Of course there have been moments in my life when I have connected with my inner self in a positive way and have seen and even acted upon my intrinsic knowledge of these rights.  But largely they have been denied to me by myself (mostly) and others (because dwelling in darkness makes you vulnerable to predators).  

It has come time to recognize and exalt in my rights and the rights of every other human being.  I have been guilty of repressing the rights of others, although in general, for an unenlightened person, I think I have been generally respectful.

I am truly excited for this next chapter in my life.  All of this growth feels SO GOOD.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Forgiveness looms in the future as an ominous promise.  I know it will clear the path to enlightenment but I am also very aware if I have not traveled far enough on my path, it could open a door to unparalleled pain and unhappiness.  I have suffered enough.  I refuse to open that door until my brilliance outshines all the darkness behind it.

I feel close but also this brand of happiness feels very new and ultimately I have far more practice, experience and comfort dwelling in a darker realm.  I need to continue to protect this happiness I am cultivating within.  This means continuing to keep myself safe from him.