Day Fifty-Nine: 02/28/2021

 02/28/2021

9:48 pm

"Become who you are!"  -Nietzsche

I have spent my life running from who I thought I was, but now I find myself stepping into her and discovering the beauty of who that person is.  My writing is not good tonight, this weekend I barely accomplished my tasks but I have been more present and more content (save Friday night).  Here's to a new week and more progress!

                                                                                                                    💗 Mee

Day Fifty-Eight: 02/27/2021

02/27/2021

10:20 pm

 "You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the entire ocean in a drop.""  -Rumi

I didn't do the best job.  Today.  I did the minimum though.  It's very apparent how much drinking negatively effects my positive habit forming.  It's okay though.  I'm not giving up.

Day Fifty-Seven: 02/26/2017

 02/26/2017

She tasted laughter the way she watched her mother eat her anger and her father choke his sadness with his bare hands.

Her eyes digested books as her stomach painted pictures of food she would never eat.

Her ears failed to see the sharpness in his voice and the malice in his unsaid words.

Her fingers heard the tragedy in her own skin as she put her hand over her heart.

Her nose felt the smell of betrayal as she was buried alive.

Day Fifty-Six: 02/25/2010

02/25/2010

Hi baby.  Today we had a mama-son day.  Sami stayed at Mom Mom's because we had our millionth snow day this winter but you wanted to stay with me and go to work.  We went to dinner at Hoof and Fin and you were hilarious.  I really enjoyed spending time with you even though you weren't on your best behavior at my work.

You are determined to get your ear pierced.  I posted an update on Facebook and it was interesting to read the responses.  You know I'm inclined to let you do what you want and especially in terms of expressing your individuality.  Even though in this case it's largely because your sister has gotten her ears pierced.  

Things have been a bit difficult for me this winter.  There were days when I felt like you and your sister were the only things I had in my life for which to live.  I share this because I know in your life you'll become depressed at certain times.  I want you to know how deeply I understand and hope you believe me when I tell you everything is going to be okay.

Here's the heart of the matter - the deeper you allow yourself to love, the more it's going to hurt when love changes.  But being open is the key to a fulfilling life.  There will be someone who never wants to hurt you, who only wants to love you.  And you'll likely go through many relationships before you find this balance.  The one thing I ask you is when you find her, don't let her go if you love her and she loves you back.  Even if on occasion you hurt each other by accident or by circumstance.  I hope when the time comes you understand what I'm telling you.  I've known a lot pain in my life, and there is NOTHING worse than not being able to be open to receive the love of the one person you'd really give anything to be with in the end.  It's a cruel twist of fate these lessons in love and I know you'll have plenty of your own but I just hope for you happiness like I shared with my Shawn and wisdom enough to see how to navigate through youremotions to come to a place of balance in order to find a way to maintain the love before it twists and turns away from you.  Above all listen to your heart and if she gives you hers, listen to yours too.  There's music to be heard.

                                                                                                    I love you,

                                                                                                    Mama 

Day Fifty-Five: 02/24/1996

Jennifer E. Catzva

24 February 1996

English 273

Extended Metaphor Poem

Love is a phone that rings on deaf ears

when seeking sensation nobody hears

and then the phone rings in time with your fears

love is a phone that rings on deaf ears

first no one hears and the no one's there

and then the phone rings into thin air

love is a phone that rings on deaf ears

when seeking sensation nobody hears

My Hero

 So

It’s possible

You’re my hero 

And I definitely

Won’t tell you that 

It’s not

My place 

To say

But

You 

Saved me

More 

Than once 

And

I loved you

More

Than I ever

Said 

Day Fifty-Four: 02/23/2009 and 02/23/2021

02/23/2009

I'm just a person

And I'm glad to be me

Though I'm not always happy

And I'm not always free

There often come times

When it's hard to see

The strength and progression

Of that person I call me

But it's amazing how life

Can produce just what we need

When you're stumbling and falling 

And likely to bleed

I'm just a person

And I'm happy to be me

Though I'm not always smart

And I don't always see

But that's why I have friends

Who are so dear to me

Their wisdom and their love

Will often set me free

Yes it's amazing how love

Can show you the way

When it's dark and it's dangerous

And you're running away

I'm just a person

But I'm ecstatic to be

The light and the love

That you brought out in me

I'm shining like a star

In the desert night sky

I'm higher than the boldest eagle

Ever dared to fly

Damn it's amazing how someone

Can open your eyes

When you've closed 

And you've shut them

And dared the world

To let you die

 02/23/2021

@8:42 pm

"You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?" -Rumi

    All perspectives are necessary for blance.  Crawling teaches one to learn from the ground, and flying teaches one to learn from the air.

    

    Also, I believe my wings were clipped when I was born.

Day Fifty-Three: 02/22/2021

02/22/2021 @ 6:09 am

Dream Log

    So I woke-up from this dream where my boyfriend was some tall white guy and for some reason we had decided our only course of action to get out of some unkown predicament was to kill him.  I had two roommates and some convoluted plan.  He slept with each of my roommates - not sure why this was part of the plan, then one roommate was to slit his throat with a knife.  We had laid out plastic.  For some reason part of our plan was to keep him in a closet at first and it was complicted when housekeeping knocked on the door and I was like go away but the other roommate (not the one supposed to do the killing) let them in because she really wanted fresh sheets or something.  Anyway, at the critical moment the friend who was supposed to do the killing couldn't do it and I couldn't either and then my boyfriend backed out of the plan altogether.  For some reason my Dad makes a cameo in the dream but he's wheelchair bound.

Anyway the next night we are at our house (apparently the boyfriend lives with me and the two roommates) and I'm upset he slept with my roommates and he's upset I planned to kill him.  So I take a knife and slit my own wrists and he wraps my wrists and carries me to the hospital but he doesn't want to have anything to do with me after that.

Such a weird dream! 

                                                                                                                💗Mee

Day Fifty-Two: 02/21/2012

 02/21/2012

6:43 pm

    Doing some forgiveness work and I realized one of my roadblocks to forgiveness is that I do not believe He truly understands how wrong he was to do what he did.

    Even in his apologies he minimized his wrongfulness and turned the issue into one which everyone else created and of which he was victim.

    It makes me angry that he doesn't understand what he's done.  So when I think of forgiving him, I hesitate in part because I feel as though I'm letting him get away with this offense in some way by never then having o come to terms with the pain he has caused to me.

    Regardless, I am moving forward.  That thought just came to me.

Day Fifty-One: 02/20/2011

     The day was hot.  The color was blue.  She just knew that increasing the tension on her guitar string would cause it to break.  But music is the largest of four forgotten ideas.  So it was a chance she was willing to take.

    Before he crossed the street, he closed his eyes and prayed to the gods of traffic.  He was going to the theater to see "Y Tu Mama Tambien", in Portugese of course.  Then he intended to sit for another movie which recounted the rape of a 12 year old as the start of the Trojan war.

    Honestly, she believed the human species is the greatest ecological disaster.  Then again, she also believed Pizza Hut was created by plate tectonics.

    If he couldn't attain inner peace, he would settle for chocolate.  If he couldn't have chocolate, he could be sated with money.  If the money was not fortcoming, hell, there are always orgasms.

    He is man.  She is woman.  Yin and yang.  But balance is not our fate.  Only unprecedented anarchy.  In a world where spirituality is a Beatle's song, no wonder she's a dangerous psychopath.  Only Papa Smurf can bring back Ghandi.

    The color of broccoli lived behind her eyes.  Their breath was fire but their memory lasted only as long as recess.  She dared to dream a dog's dream of chasing aliens.

    Why are?  Because without it, it wouldn't be worth it.  Why even ask When questions go unanswered.  How many?  Several before and several after.  And she's not even done yet.  Howfore art thee?  Very well, thank you.

    In the end, two trains traveled at light speed.  They were periwinkle blue with extra headlights.  But the world works because love and hate dance a neverending marathon.

Day Fifty! 02/19/2016

 Friday, February 19, 2016

5:06 pm

Back waiting at ballet!  Obviously I didn't have to wait long to get my badge yesterday.

Yesterday a school bus ran into the TD Bank across the street from my work.  A taxi sideswiped a Septa bus then tried to hit and run but there was a school bus there and then the school bus hit another car and all three vehicles ran through the glass wall of the bank.  Craziness.

Nexen gave me a lollipop (he doesn't like the root beer dum dums) and now my mouth tastes like sugar.  It's unpleasant.  😔

I saw Dr. Jeanette yesterday.  She said I seemed remarkably relaxed.  I did not tell her the source of my relaxation.  I just can't bring myself to talk about you with her.

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow.  I plan to leave Nexen with Abacus in the morning and take Sami to ballet and then go to acupuncture.  We shall see how that all works out.  My shoulder is a little better but not 100%.  Not even 80% actually.  But it is feeling somewhat improved.

My big goal for the weekend is to get my bedroom cleaned.  So exciting, I know.  Hopefully the kids and I can do something fun.  Ab is at a sleepover tonight so I am worried he won't be up to watching Nexen tomorrow.

Day Forty-Nine: 02/18/2021

02/18/2021

5:36 AM

    Here I am at that gentle fold where night ends and day begins.  My thoughts take shape but wander, shadowlike, over the landscape of my mind.  My heart fences with my mind over the freedom of my soul.

    Today should be interesting.  I am open.  I am receiving and giving.  I am enjoying this ride, as much as it is simultaneously hurting me and freeing me.

    I can feel little pebbles of greatness collecting at the bottom of my heart.  Or is it an ocean?

                                                                                                                     💗Mee

Day Forty-Eight: 02/17/2012

 This is actually sort of a two-day entry.  You'll see why.

02/16/2012

    I've been so sick.  No journaling, blogging or anything.  Finally better.  Not 100% but thankfully functional.  Reading, "The Life-Giving Sword".  

    "If you do not know all things, you still harbor doubts.  And when you doubt something, that thing will not leave your mind."

02/17/2012

    I wanted to write more but I only had a moment. Right now I am at work but I intend to put a full weekend in so I'm writing now in the hopes of emptying my head.

    Anyway I like that quote because it reminds me of what I said to Salvatore in the very beginning.  I warned him about doubting me.

    Last night I wrote my letter to (censored).  After I fell asleep and had a terrible nightmare.  I sent the letter today anyway.  I am optimistic about my future.  I am going to do some more forgiveness work now.

Day Forty-Seven: 02/16/1998, 02/16/2019, 02/16/2021

 So, I couldn't choose just one this time.  Here's all three, I think it makes a nice little retrospective.

February 16, 1998

I find myself at another one of those times in my life when each decision that I make is crucial.  Every change or every decision to keep things the same is a turning point of sorts.  What I want, what is best for me, what I should do, what I am doing...nothing is the same.  Nothing is constant.  The goals I have do not apply to right now, yet every decision I make right now affects those goals.  Once again, I am looking at a face I cannot remember.  Yet it is my own.

02/16/2019

2:14 am

    The truth is, my heart has always whispered, take a closer look.  My brain, in its attempt to protect my heart, seeks distraction.  Or is it my soul whispering and my heart seeking the distraction?

    In any event, distraction has gotten me to where I am today.  Where am I today?  Financially worse off than 10 years ago.  Emotionally not much further than 10 years ago.  Physically worse off than 10 years ago...

    I needed a deep dive, but my motivation was lacking and distraction abounded.  Then, in my distraction, Drew found me.  

    He found me and I fell in love but like an organ transplant my mind tried to reject him.  My body was ready to love him but my brain, my brain tried to gatekeep my heart and damn if it didn't almost work.

    So I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Nothing but thinking, in fact.  I need to make some major changes in my life.

    Work-life balance.  Education.  Parenting.  Mental and physical discipline.  Being a better girlfriend and lover.  Diet.  Domestics.  Find a new place to live.  Heal my relationship with my family.

    The only thing that isn't on that list which normally is, is drinking.  I really haven't been overindulging.  Since November when I didn't drink until the new year, I have mostly been okay.  No real hangovers, no missed work.  The one breakup was alcohol fueled but the situation was already bad so I'm not certain sobriety would have made a difference.

    Anyway, I need to try and get some sleep. Yay for Saturday though! 

02/16/2021

9:51 pm

"Plant a thought, reap an act.  Plant an act, reap a habit.  Plant a habit, reap a characer.  Plant a character, reap a destiny."

    I really feel like I am on my way to accomplishing great things.  Being mindful and acting with mindful intent directs my energy in positive ways and leaves me with little energy for negative things.  This journey is a blessing and I am happy to both be alive and feel like living.

I didn't hit all my goals today but I did listen to my body.

Today is good.  Tomorrow can be better.

                                                                                                        💗Mee

 

 

Day Forty-Six: 02/15/2014

 This is actually a pretty boring entry but my other option was yet another entry from last year, and that one was only slightly less boring.  I never promised excitement (okay, I never technically promised anything other than to myself and that was for me to make a post every day this year).

02/15/2014

7:18 p.m.

    I went to work yesterday even though the City was closed.  Only Pam and Elliott were in, and Elliott was just there to clear out his desk.  Sami came with me and was a good helper until she got distracted by Pam and a trip to Au Bon Pain.  It was a nice day though.

    I've gotten some cleaning done and no bookkeeping work.  I hope to remedy that by the end of the weekend.  Speaking of which, I should go work on the basement.  Or maybe I should go do budget work since Nexen seems to get upset every time I leave the room today.

    First, I'm going to read a bit more in "Women of the Way".  We'll see if that inspires more writing or not.  If not, then goodnight.  😊

                                                                                                                        Mee

Day Forty-Five: 02/14/2021

 02/14/2021 @ 10:23 p.m.

"Be satisfied with even the smallest progress and treat the outcome of it all as unimportant."  -Marcus Aurelius

    I'm not sure I understand this quote.

    Today was quite difficult as Valentine's Day is wont to be for the newly brokenhearted.  Tried to distract myself with some kid time but they denied my request.  My emotions raged but I worked-out, took a long bath, then tried to complete my puzzle.

    I had half a mind to ask the kids to help me finish it, as it would be symbolic to complete it on Valentine's Day, but I've had enough rejection for one day.

    I hope to sleep well tonight and have a productive day tomorrow.

                                                                                                                     💗 Mee

Day Forty-Four: 02/13/2014

 02/13/2014

8:54 p.m.

    Snow day today.  I wanted to go into work but I didn't.  The house is a mess and my intention was to clean but now it's messier.  Randall is here and plans to be here this weekend.  It's made me very irritable.  I need to do something to bring peace back into my brain or this is going to be an AWFUL four day weekend.  😟

02/13/2014

LATER

    So. yeah, I'm losing it.  I didn't want Randall here this weekend and I should have said that.  Trying to be open when I didn't want to be has made me bitter and angry.  I could have said no and I should have.  I shouldn't take it out on him that I didn't say no.  

    I'm reading "Women of the Way".  Hoping for some small light.  The book says, "Obstacles often become doorways: what we struggle with frees us."  I am not so sure that obstacles even exist.  It is our mind and perception that determines things are obstacles.  If our mind is free, there is no distinction between an obstacle and a doorway.  They are both, simply, the way.

    I suppose I should go down and apologize to Randall.

    Okay, I apologized.  There is peace in the kingdom.  Or at least a ceasefire.

Day Forty-Three: 02/12/2021

Interestingly, I was reading today in "The Sun" magazine an article entitled Memory: Short-Term Loss, Long-Term Gain by James Hillman and it spoke about how after age 50 the brain changes to focus on long-term memories over short-term in favor of a sort of "life review" mode.  I laughed to myself because I'm not 50 or over yet but I seem to be in life review mode anyway.  :) 

 02/12/2021

Sometimes

My obliviousness

Scares me

Sometimes

It saves me

Sometimes

It abandons me

And sometimes

It just is.

Mee.

 

Day Forty-Two: Undated Random Poem from a Stack of Notebook Paper I Stapled at the Top

 Apparently February 11 is not a day I am inclined to journal or write poetry.  😂

If I 

Could avoid

The world

I probably would

I mostly have

In fact

And I 

Find myself

In moments

Entangled

In situations

I can't avoid

Or didn't

And I don't know

How to handle

Myself

I would have 

Liked

To disappear

Again

(I would have

Loved

To disappear

Again)

But I'm rooted

Down 

Now

And don't have

The freedom

I once had

And at times

I can taste it

And I wander

The city

Looking for

A patch of dirt

To become

A tiny bit

Grounded

And it eludes me

All that

I think

I am looking for

And it's obvious

To others

To everyone

Possibly

But to me

It's beyond

Comprehension

And I just

Want

Out of here

Maybe for a moment

Maybe for all time

I just don't 

Know

Anymore

But I steal

Moments

Of yours

Or perhaps

We just share them

And it makes me

Feel better

About pretty much

Everything

But mostly

Myself.

I can 

Shake it off

Near you

Let it go

Find peace

Because it surrounds you

I don't know how

You do it

But you do

And perhaps

I thought

I needed

More than that

But I don't

Not in

This moment

Anyway.

Day Forty-One: 02/10/2012 and 02/10/2019

 02/10/2012

    Wisdom is not knowledge of words written upon a page.  It is knowledge of the truth, etched upon your heart.  As I read of the wisdom of others, my heart shines with the understanding of many truths.  I wake-up this morning with this thought in my head, and a heart that is light and happy.  And, it's Friday.  Even better.

02/10/2019

8:08 a.m.

I struggle

I struggle

I seek

I strive

for self-love

Why?

So my love

for you

Will be

Unimpeachable

But

The struggle is real

Sorting through

42 years

Of not knowing

How to feel

My unexamined life

Looms large

And insurmountable

The struggle 

Is real

The urge to run

Perpetually overcome

Just to stay

In a place of discomfort

A cage

Of my own design

So I work

To retrain my mind

To read freedom

Within the confine

I seek

Solace

And peace

You respond

With your

Emotional

Sledgehammer

I communicate poorly

Take too long to see

All that you already know

I want to just go

I want

To just

Go

But 

I strive

To do better

To be better

Knowing

I may not

Beat my expiration

Knowing

The sledgehammer blows

Will keep coming

Knowing

I am not prepared for this

Why?

So my love for you

Will be unimpeachable

Even after

Your love for me

Expires.

Day Forty: 02/09/2019

I can't remember if I've posted one of these entries before.  I sometimes grab a stack of books I am actively reading or these Dalai Lama cards I have with quotes on them and then write about whatever came to mind after reading it.

 02/09/2019

    Writing exercise time again.  My mind at dis-ease.  I will start with the Dalai Lama this time.

    "Joyful Exertion.  The elements of earth, water, fire, air and space are never exhausted but always present.  The bodhisattva says, "In the same way any sentient beings depend on the elements for their life, so may I always sustain them."

    So...I am not actually sure what to make of this one.  Perhaps I should be working toward becoming a bodhisattva, but I feel too far from enlightenment to imagine that.  I look forward to revisiting this card in the future from a new place.

    I will ask Samurai to pick a page in "Jacob's Room."  Well, she chose page five..."She had forgotten the meat.  There was Rebecca at the window."

    Pulling random phrases out of a book is much different than the Dalai Lama cards or the "Art of Peace" passages.  Still, the first sentence of that makes me think of how I lose sight of what's important when I get lost in nuance.  Caught up on my imperfections, I neglect to see the value and beauty within.  Neglecting to see and tap into that, I allow ugliness and pain and disorder to enter into my life.  The second sentence makes me think of a child, watching at the window.  So here I am, focusing on unimportant and insignficant details, and the children watch and learn.  My unconscious behaviors affect theirs.

    Now page 5 from "Art of Peace".

    "All things, material and spiritual, originate from one source and are related as if they were one family.  The past, present, and future are all contained in the life force.  The universe emerged and developed from one source, and we evolved through the optimal process of unification and harmonization."

    Funny, it doesn't feel like we're so evolved.  What even is the optimal process of unification and harmonization for humans?  Is it love?  I don't know what else it could be...

Day Thirty-Nine: 02/08/2009

 So, I actually have a lot of prior entries for February 8 but this first one I picked up I really liked.  I feel like this was a Zelda's exercise.  

Washing the dog in a sink full of dishes
Waiting for the bus to grant my wishes

Walking down the street juggling mice

Eating an ice cream cone filled with wedding rice

Forever flying kites of sequined polar bears

Running to the store to buy electric chairs

Writing a list of future love's lost

Buying a pack of gum with dragon's teardrops

Baking a cake inside a volcano

Hanging your laundry during a tornado

Everyday actions, everyday objects

Keeping life mundane, my brain objects

    

Day Thirty-Eight: 02/07/2019

 02/07/2019

6:27 p.m.

    What a difference a day makes!  Also, I did a lot of work.  Writing.  Reaching out to friends.  Exercise.  I even spoke at an open mic.  I went for a walk with my friend.  Turned the tide of thoughts regarding Drew back to positive and hopeful.  Went to see him.  Talked about a lot.  Talking still feels awful.  I still feel like my progress is wiped away in his eyes if I backslide, and I don't think that's fair.

    

    I need to explain that my mindstate fluxuates.  He is baffled by my inherent contradictions.  Prideful but self-loathing.  Stubborn but insecure.  He feels like they are opposing and/or mutually exclusive.

    I don't like when he makes callous, contradictory statements either.  I need, though, to focus on myself and my issues and not worry about him and whether he has any.  He blames any completely on me, so I get myself further along and the truth will reveal itself.

    As long as I love him, I need to make the choice to show up and stick it out.  Because, to him, my protecting myself and bringing my world back into balance is me deserting him.  Is me telling him with my actions that I don't love him.  That's not what it is for me, and maybe someday we can compromise.  Someday when I am able to speak my perspective in a way he will understand.  Or perhaps...

    My mind wandered and I forgot what I was going to say.  Dr. Jeanette is going to call soon for a Facetime therapy session.  I don't like needing people.  But I need her and I need Drew and I need my friends and I need my dear, sweet children.  It's still very hard to admit that I need people...

                                                                                                      💗 Mee

Day Thirty-Seven: 02/06/2019

    "Find me." She begged of him.  Not loudly enough to hear, of course.  In fact, she is only begging with her heart, her soul.  Not with her voice.  Mainly, because her voice is held by fear.  Her voice is chained by shame, embarrassment.  By feelings of unworthiness.  She no longer even remembers being able to speak.  If her tears were gifted the power of speech, she would have so much to say.  It seems she would never shut up.

Day Thirty-Six: 02/05/2012

 02/05/2012

"Understanding emptiness makes things soft, then compassion makes new shape." -Dalai Lama

Day Thirty-Five: 02/04/2012

 02/04/2012

7:57 a.m.

    It's been very hectic, this life of mine.  Randy's mom has been really sick with her heart and ended-up in the hospital...

    I took the children to my parent's house.  My boss was nice enough to let me have the day off to go see her.  Well, to take Randy.  She hadn't told any of her friends so she was there all alone.  If Randy and I hadn't gotten there she would've been alone all morning.  I feel as though we did a really good thing, and I'm happy for that...

    When I dropped the kids off, I told my parents the extremely abridged version of me and Nexen's Dad.  They didn't really know what to say.  Not a surprise.  They seemed sympathetic I guess, it's hard to tell with them.  They didn't put it on me, at least not to my face, for being stupid, etc.  So that's really the best I could hope for.  My wrist is going numb as I'm writing.  😢

    Anyway the whole reason I started to write this morning was to do more work on forgiveness.  There are two main people I need to forgive.  Sal and my parents.  Yeah, my parents count as one person because that's how I see them.  I am still hopeful that someday I might meet someone who completes my life in such a way our children see us as one unit like that.

    Anyway, Chapter 3 of my forgiveness book, "Why Forgive and the Consequences of Not Forgiving" (That's the chapter title, not the book title), instructs you to write down your answer to the question, "Why forgive?".

    I want to forgive because I feel like anger and resentment are keeping me from evolving spiritually.  I want to forgive because I want my children to learn by example.  I want to forgive because I believe the world/universe is ruled by love and compassion, and every step I take away from that keeps me disconnected.  I want to forgive because I want to feel better about myself and my relationshiops.  I want to forgive because I WANT TO STOP HURTING!

Day Thirty-Four: 02/03/2020

 02/03/2020

9ish a.m.

    I am on the train back from NJ dropping off Nexen.  We were late so we ran from the train and I ran back to the train.  I am still sweating.  Gross.

    Anyway I haven't written yet this year.  It's hardly because there's been a lcak of things to write about.  The issue has been more my unwillingness to think about things too deeply.

    I still am uncertain how much I am willing to explore.  I think because I know the answers contradict how I am feeling.  Yet, I know what must be done.  I have just been unwilling to do it for so long because I joined my heart to the one I love without thought for what such a union would look like.  And every time I examine it, I see only what won't work.  I have to end this to find what will.  I just loathe the task because my heart aches for him so.

                                                                                                                                       💗 Mee

Day Thirty-Three: 02/02/2021

From a Zelda's Writing Workshop Prompt

My metamorphasis

Has been halting

And incomplete

I peek out

From my coccoon

And watch

The others fly

But I

Still don't fully trust

My wings

As a caterpillar

I am surprised 

Constantly

That I've

Escaped

Death

It is that

Mentality

Which follows me

And keeps me

From flying

Day Thirty-Two: 02/01/2012

Well, I made it through the first month!  I am actually pretty impressed with myself in this regard.  Life has gotten pretty hectic and my mood I need to work hard to keep in check.  But this consistency, this is a very good omen for the year ahead.  This is a short little entry but it echoes a little of how I hope to feel today. I can feel the tendrils of depression reaching for me and I'm trying to stay out of reach a little longer.

02/01/2012

Good Morning!  It is a very good morning.  Up at 5 a.m. and out of the house by 5:30.  Randy's mom is in the hospital.  I will find out if they have evening hours and take the kids to see her if they do.

Most importantly, though, I was able to shake free of the sadness encroaching.