Wednesday, January 26, 2011

2011: The Year of Letting Go and Moving On

I realize it's sad that 2010 was the year of holding on and going nowhere, but I guess that was what I needed.  I'm ready to move on now, and it's about the greatest feeling I've ever known, aside from when I was happy with the person I've now been able to let go of and move on from.

Don't get me wrong, starting over sucks.  I've never been good at meeting people and I haven't gotten much better.  But life looks a lot better, and feels a lot better, now that I'm facing forward instead of always looking back.  That and I trip over myself a whole lot less.  Well, we'll see about that.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Do You

Do you
Want to know me
Do you
Just want
To fuck me?

I really want
To know
I'm bored
Of boys

I'm ready
For a man
To stand up
And show me something
I don't want to leave

Monday, January 17, 2011


I had magic
I never learned
Its secret
Not before
The magic
Left me
Should I say

We were magic
I remember that
I know that
To be true
I can still feel it
Should I say
A lot of the time

It's a kind of magic
You don't find
Every day

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Once upon a time

I met a most amazing man.   This man opened a world for me I never even knew existed.  It was a world where I was beautiful, and I could do anything to which I put my mind.  I was inspired to live my life differently, I was inspired to love in a way I never even knew existed.  It was a feeling I didn't understand, and couldn't figure out how to sustain at the time. 

I had to walk away from him, because I love him so much and unfortunately in such a different way than he ended-up loving me.  But what I gained through that relationship was a knowledge of self that I had never before come close to understanding.  And as I get through these days and weeks and months without him I find that love still grows within me and when I listen to it, I hear my heart sing a song of hope and inspiration.

Inspiration, I keep coming back to that word.  It's what I need to live, to create, to understand the creation of life.  Inspiration is not found in the material world, in a society that looks down upon those who have less than they do.  Inspiration is found in the smile of child who onlookers would think has no reason to smile.  Inspiration is found in the heart of a person with nothing to give, who gives anyway.  Inspiration is found in the darkness of a path no one dares to take, save a few adventurers.

I have a beauty and power within me I first glimpsed when I carried and gave birth to my children.  Through my love for this man that beauty and power grew so large and conscious I barely even knew myself, and I admit, I became afraid and I ran back into the place I feel safest.  The land of fear and self-doubt.  That fear pushed him away from me and all that I was afraid of came to pass.  I lost him.

But, amazingly, I didn't lose myself.  For a while, I felt as if I had.  But all the strength and love harnessed in our relationship is burning inside me now, lighting candles of hope and, yes, inspiration.  It is burning so brightly today I want to burst out of myself and my love and light could heat an entire city.  This sounds so hokey and crazy but it's truly how I feel.

I woke-up this morning crying over him.  I do, often enough, even now.  But what I realized, honestly, is that opening myself up to love him the way I did created a space from which I can never retreat, a space where hope and love exist and will continue to inspire me until the day I die.  And realizing this, well, it's made my day into a turning point.  And I write this to remember, if I should turn again, how to find my inspiration.  Just remember who I love.