Saturday Morning Melancholy

I am lost

And everything hurts

I’m back at the start

All the endings stacked

So that I can’t see

Have no desire to look

For new beginnings

I am alone

My brain knows I am not

But my heart cries out

YES YOU ARE

And the quiet morning 

Echoes my loneliness 

And the solitary tear

Threatens to drop

Even as I hold it back

Afraid of a floodgate

Steeped in pain

Drenched in sadness

I force motivation 

Into my limbs

Get dressed

Go to work

Wear that smile

So my pain doesn’t spread 

Hate myself for continuing 

Hate myself for wanting to be dead

Hate myself for hurting

Hate myself for not wanting to heal

Can I force my arms to open

And accept the beauty

In my life

Can I force my mind to open

And hold happiness

Over strife

Can I force my heart to open 

I just don’t think

I can 

The Collective Mic Writer's Circle Prompt: Erykah Badu's Bag Lady

 

My first bags

Were so heavy

Filled with the rejection

Of a nation

Who upon seeing me

In my new country

Said

Let me fill that suitcase more

Because you we abhor

With your assimilation

As if my 14 month old self

Could unpack the bags

And stay

And learn to be Korean

Instead of Jewish

I couldn't even walk

Much less walk away

And the tears

On my new mother's face

Were a new bag

I had to carry

Not knowing

How to be the right daughter

For a family

That didn't know Oriental

Was a description of a rug

Not a human

And that calling me

Her China doll

Became a weight

I had to carry

Sharpened to a sword

I used to parry

Ignorance

And deceit

But worse

Eventually

The knights in underarmour

Came to say

Baby let me hold you

Let me carry your burdens

And kiss your fears

Let me shoulder those bag

And banish your tears

And I said no

And I said no

And I said no

And I said

Oaky

And they said

Damn these bags are heavy

And walked the fuck away

And I stand strong now

I stand so strong now

But sometimes

I feel weak

As if the days and weeks

And months and decades

Will bury me alive

But I stop to breathe

I surround myself with strength

And I say

There is beauty in this world

So much beauty in this world

Because we carried

Our bags

The length

And now

Sisters

Let's put them down

And rest

Let watch as life's test

Reveals how we passed with flying colors

Not just for ourselves

But for all others