Friday, June 26, 2015

The Origin of Pain (Part II)

Nearly three weeks ago, on June 7th, I began to experience a level of physical pain I haven't experienced in a long time.  Because of the sudden onset and intensity, I went to see a physician on June 9th.  I was referred for diagnostic testing.  On June 11th, I suffered from new symptoms and called the doctor's office to report it on Friday.  That weekend was Samurai's ballet recital, so even though the doctor wanted me to come in on Saturday, it was not feasible.  While that symptom resolved by Monday, I woke-up with an additional new symptom.  I emailed the doctor's office about that.  They referred me for additional diagnostic testing.

I continued to work.  I continued to take care of my children.  And because I refuse to take pain medication, I continued to suffer.

Yesterday I was in so much pain, I thought I couldn't take it anymore.  I considered taking pain medication.  Instead, I took my now daily dose of magnesium (natural anti-inflammatory) and continued through my day.

People who love me and had to watch me suffer, or who knew about it and had to think about it, all begged me to take pain medication.  The thing is, I know that there's a message there, in all that pain. And if I dull the pain, I'll never get the message.

So here's the message I was finally able to hear.  

The less I move, the harder it is for me to move.  The more I let the pain slow me down, the more pain I experience.  The longer I dwell in a place of pain, the more the pain immobilizes me.

I realize I said the exact same thing three different ways.  But I came to the realization on three different levels.  

Physically, I stopped going to the gym.  Partly because I have a problem with moderation.  Okay, entirely because I have a problem with moderation.  Doing real damage was actually a possibility. But it also was an integral part of my daily routine.  So "taking it easy" amounted to my body and brain becoming sluggish.  Maybe even lazy.

Mentally, I was also stuck.  In trying to sort out problems I'm currently having and really need to sort out (even more than I realized at the time), the physical pain just screamed out, "I'm here! I'm here!" until I was too exhausted to try and sort out the problems and gave-up.

Emotionally, I am bleeding to death.  My heart is trying to open to someone new, but there is this gaping wound from three years ago that hasn't healed.  As a result, I am bleeding all over the place.  I didn't even fully realize, until the pain immobilized me.

So here I am, with this lesson I've learned from all this pain.  And yeah, everything still hurts, but I know that I'm on the path to healing now.  

I will still finish out my battery of tests.  But when they all come up negative and my pain remains a medical mystery, I will know the origin of my pain.  And what's even better, I know how to make it go away.

I just need to keep growing.