Something

There has to be
Something
I can do
To get this feeling
Out of my head
Out of my body

Except
I can't
Even
Identify it

I don't know
What's wrong
With me
This morning

But it's something.

I hope
I figure it out
Very soon.

Love

I looked for you in poetry
I looked for you in dreams
I looked for you in tears
I looked for you in screams

I looked for you in heartache
I looked for you in happiness
I looked for you in gluttony
I looked for you in emptiness

I looked for you in pain
I looked for you in pride
I looked for you in nature
I looked for you inside

And now
I've found you
I can see you
But I want to run and hide

I've found you
I can feel you
Something new has come alive

I've found you
I can hold you
But never long enough

I've found you
I can love you
I just can't speak my words

I've found you
I can lose you
Was I better off just looking?

I Love You

But you don't know
I'm too afraid
To show it
Because at every pass
I seem to blow it
And every time
I expect
You'll never
Speak to me again
And in bracing myself for that
I hold back
And the cycle continues

And maybe
I'm right this time

I have failed
At every relationship
I have ever had
Yet
Somehow
You are surprised
When I don't know
How to properly
Diffuse conflict

If I had that skill
I would probably still be married

Yet I know
That this issue
We keep having
It's not 100% me,
It's just not.
You may be great at talking
But listening
Seems to be a problem

If you ask me to speak,
Then let me speak.
If, after 10 minutes of framing words in my head
And trying to get them out of my mouth
To answer a question of yours,
You cut me off
And accuse me of not trying
When I've just stated that I am
And, honestly,
Went through a lot just to be near you
And when I got there
You didn't even want me to face in your direction
Or touch you
Or breathe...

Fuck.

I would never
Put myself
Through this insanity
I would never
Compromise my family
Create rifts with my children
For someone
I didn't love
With my whole heart

But now
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm just being stubborn
At this point

What is so
Fucking
Great
About waiting
Days
That feel like weeks
To see you
And spend time with you
Just to feel this fucking bad

You know why
I am so bad at this?
BECAUSE I DON'T DO IT
It's not worth my time
It's not worth my energy
To try and invest in a relationship
When the beginning is so scary
And unknown
And I have so many things at stake
More than my ego
More than my heart

My family
Their hearts
Their trust
Their respect, even

So I don't engage
I keep it all separate
Dating
My relationships with men
And yes
It's made it harder for us
Because there is no precedent
Our relationship is the precedent

And you don't seem to understand
Why I don't just say fuck it all
I'm the grown-up
I make the decisions
He will be in our lives
Whether you like it or not
It's my house
And I control who comes in and out

The thing is
It's not MY house
It's OUR house
And you're not in MY life
You're in OUR life
And it's not about wanting to be with ME
It's about wanting to be with US

And I've told you that I love you
But I don't know how you feel
Other than you "adore" me
And think I'm "fine" and "hot"

Honestly, I don't even know why
You still talk to me
It's not worth it at all
If there's no love here

I know I love you
And I know I have failed
At proving that to you
I have failed at showing you
I have failed at communicating it to you
So maybe
That's the truth
For which I am looking
I have failed
To love you enough
To make you believe in us
And that's why it's all falling apart
Or always feels like it is

And I don't even know what to do now
But at least my head
Feels a little lighter