Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven: 05/07/2002

 7 May 2002

I was driving a bus knowing my driver's license was suspended but the company didn't check and gave me the job anyway.  Every day I'd go speeding around this cure, always knowing I should slow down but going faster every time.  Finally one day I lost control of the bus and it flipped down into the water.  I was thrown before it hit and ended-up at the police station.  I was sure I was going to be incarcerate.  Two friends had driven me there (Alena and someone) and Randy was there too.  Oh...I'm too lazy to record the rest of this...I ended-up on crutches at a shopping center witnessing a bank robbery and then getting chased with two black women by a maniacal white man who threatened to beat, rape and then kill us.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Six: 05/06/2009

 05/06/2009

    How long has she been running from the same thing?  It feels as if forever and inevitable are the same thing sometimes.  Certainly it has been forever she has been running from the inevitable and it seems as though inevitable runs faster than forever which makes a lot of sense because, after all, forever has forever to run and inevitable has only so long.  But anyway, there has been progress made in the past few months wherein she has allowed herself moments to stand still by and through the inevitable, which we already established is faster than forever, and has apparently caught up.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Five: 05/05/2012 and 05/05/2018

 Okay, so I found two entries from today and I like them both so I am posting them both.  First is my letter to Nex from the day after he was born.  Second is a poem I wrote with Marx.  I think maybe that was when we were visiting the Poconos or somewhere like that but I could be wrong.  The poem was of the form where I wrote two lines, then covered the first line and he wrote two lines based off of my second line.  Then he covered up to his first line, and I wrote the next two lines based off of his line, and so on and so forth.  His lines are the ones in italics.

05/05/2012

6:41 am

Nexen,

I am listening to you breathe as I write this.  You are a little over 10 hours old.  You are perfect.  Everything feels fine now that you are here.  I feel oddly emotionally grounded (at the moment!).  I told your father he could see you today.  I've had no reply yet but I imagine he will come see you.

    You were so strong and brave yesterday!  You are very calm and well adjusted, all things considered.  I can't even believe I'm getting the chance to write you already!

    I love you my baby water dragon.

                                                                                                                    Mama

05/05/2018

In the autumnal sunshine

I picked a tree

A symbol for myself

Inspiration for what I want to be

Calls to me

From the wilderness

Approaches a hunter

Seeking sustenance

My soul grows toward the sun

And my body

Remains unexplored

But the price is costly

So the decision is a struggle

And the answer

Festers within me

Spreading like cancer

Or the wings of a full grown dragon

The eternal question remains

How do I survive 

And what will I maintain

When the truth

Is at the bottom of the bottle

At the top of a mountain

Or the end of a throttle

Day One Hundred Twenty-Four: 05/04/2021

 05/04/2021

9:25 p.m.

Nexen's birthday, so it was a wonderful day  by default.  Still now, for the first time today, I think of the glorious storm the night Nexen was born.  My water dragon.  Ab and Sami really believed Nexen could make it rain for a little while.  What a joyous and triumphant day it was.  At one point in labor, I remember feeling so desperately alone without his father there.  And then I looked around at the beautiful, strong, loving women in the room, plus my kids, and I let it all fill me.  And the strength of all the birthing mothers throughout history.  And I opened up myself and my future to a whole human.  Which was what I had done to get myself to that night in the first place.  I am so thankful I have been so blessed since then, to not have my heart's desire dictate my future. 

Work was horrible today.  Don't feel like expounding upon it.  I may be fired soon.  So it goes.

...

Anyway, we'll see how work goes tomorrow.  All I can do is my best, and whether they see it or not, I have been.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Three: 05/03/2012

   This actually cracks me up because I mention how I had acuptuncture and the acupuncturist actually did some points which were contraindicated in pregnancy that day.  But she said I was so far along it wouldn't matter.  And then I went into labor less than 24 hours later.  I was planning on being pregnant for at least another week.  😂

05/03/2012

    Well I had acupuncture today and I feel much better than I did last week.  Or last entry anyway.  If I can get a lot done over the weekend I'll probably keep working next week.

    Yesterday was Ab's parent teacher conference.  He is not doing well in school.  It was a mess with Ab crying and Randall yelling...I started crying then after the conference he was yelling at Abacus onthe street and then we were fighting...just a big fucking mess.

    Then this morning He sends three emails which at the time upset me but now I feel are good.  Makes me positive I've made the right decision in protecting the baby and myself from Him.

    What I say hurts him because it is true.  What he says does not hurt me because it is bullshit.  I am happy with the progress I have made emotionally and spiritually and I'm so happy with my body for being so fantastic.  In all the pain there has been so much beauty.  I guess that's why He is so angry.  He wanted to be a part of the beauty.  I suppose I would be mad too.  I'd like to think I'd be more understanding though.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Two: 05/02/2012

 So, there may be a bunch of Nexen posts coming-up, seeing as how his birthday is Star Wars Day.  We shall see.

05/02/2012

11:23 p.m.

My darling baby,

    It will not be long before I am listening to you breathe as I write, the way I am listening to your sister breathe now.  It is an exciting time but I have a lot left to do.  I hope you will continue to be patient with me.

    I hope to close my eyes soon and fall asleep.  I hope you will come to me in your dreams and whisper your name.

    I hope you will understand and forgive any mistakes I make in navigating through the mess that is our immediate future.  Through everything, the most and the least I can do is love you.  It is all I will do.

Day One Hundred Twenty-One: 05/01/2015

Well, I am back after a 3+ month hiatus.  Luckily I can back date these posts.  There is only one entry for May 1st, I hope it doesn't suck.

05/01/2015

3:57 pm

    So I know I am in serious trouble here based on the frequency of my entries.  This is Nexen's birthday weekend.  I was supposed to have the kids but Randall switched with me.  I have agreed to T joining in on Nexen's birthday trip to the beach, which means Ab and Sami can't come.  I feel a little guilty, but if he doesn't take them, it'll be three weekends in a row with me.

Okay, well it wasn't a very exciting entry but it is the only one I have.  Which is crazy in and of itself.  Interestingly, I have not really been journaling much this year.  I definitely need to get back on that.  It's possible I did more before I stopped working on this blog project, but you know, I can't really remember that far back.