Friday, March 30, 2012

I am the universe made alive

The world turns cold
And the darkness knows
How best to defeat me
But the darkness
Could never see
The light
Inside of me
And I exploded
Out from under
From beneath
That fucking mountain
Where I was suffocating
From love induced
Modern day
Fairy tales
Of forever
In his arms
In his heart
And the tears start
Just as the music stops
But still my heart sings
My own salvation song
And as I love
I hurt
And as I let go
I hurt
And as I live
I hurt
But as I hurt
I heal
And as I hurt
I grow
And as I hurt
I come to know
So many things
I could not see
Inside of me
He lit me up
Then shut me out
Then blamed me
For not being able to see
And that’s okay
I blame me too
And in the end
I forgive us both
And in the end
I will return
With love in my heart
But not in my eyes
Yet we are not near enough
To the end
So I will continue
To hide my eyes
Where the truth shines
But I will never
Allow him to see me
Like this
It is not safe
Because I will never
Cross that line again
Into that land
I did not belong
Where there was no place
For someone like me
Now I see
Now I see
It is too late
But now I see
At last
I can be free

A Question I Should Have Asked...Over and Over Again

Someday I will give my heart away again, and to that person I will say...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Dear Samurai,

This letter comes a few days late and I apologize for that.  I am balancing a great many things right now in our life and quiet time like this does not come frequently or easily.  But here I am at last, writing your birthday letter.  Seven years and five days ago you decided it was time to enter this world.  I was blessed and privileged to have the heart, mind, spirit, strength and support to choose a home birth.  This act of love and trust in you and in myself, I feel, was hugely instrumental in growing and nurturing the beautiful, loving spirit you possess.

The moment you were conceived our lives were irreversibly interconnected.  Thank you for trusting me with your life, I cherish it as I cherish my own.  You have been one of my greatest and most important teachers.  What I have learned from you in our seven years and five days together I could have spent a lifetime trying to figure out on my own, had you not come into my life to show me the way.  What I feel for you is a love beyond description, though I have tried and will continue to try to capture it with words (it's just something I do).

I have been growing and you have been afraid.  I want you to know I will never outgrow you.  Our family will never get too big for you to have your special place.  You will always fit, perfectly, in my arms, and you will always have a peaceful resting place in my heart.  I want you to know it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to need reassurance, and I will always have more love to offer you when you need it.  Always.  My love for you is unlimited and can never be exhausted.

My wish for you this year is that your heart remain open to all we are about to welcome into our lives.  I am working relentlessly so that I can be the light that guides the way, so that there are not so many shadows or dark places to get lost inside.  I can feel myself shining a lot of the time, and so I know my hard work is paying off.  I hope you can see and feel this too.

My wish for you every day is that you feel happy and safe.  Proud of who you are and proud of our family.  You, my Samurai, are a work of heart.  Happy birthday baby.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I remember

I remember what it felt like
To think of you
And feel elation
It was a happines
I had never experienced
In quite that way
It was something
I cherished
Each and every day
But inside me
Somewhere deep
I suppose I knew
It was fleeting
Running away
Just as I was trying
To fully embrace it
Everything went
So terribly wrong
And these past months
Have been dreadfully long
And at the same time
Fleeting, still

There isn't much time left
And forgiveness
It seems impossibly far away
Because I remember

I remember being held by you
And never wanting to be let go
I remember being kissed by you
And thinking I would never know
A sensation quite the same
Never realizing
It was all some sick, cruel game

I remember being "loved" by you
And all that I thought was true
And it breaks my heart
And over
And over
And over again

And the anger
Seems unending
And my heart
Needs much more mending

I thought I was so much closer than this

Music Mentality