Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Thanks Friends

In Tears

In tears
I greet the morning
Another day
Of trying
To mitigate
My sadness
Pain
Anguish

Another day
Of failure

I thought to post
On Facebook
A note of gratitude
For friends
Family

And then I remembered
How people scold me
For being too personal
Putting too much out there

I was going to say
I am struggling right now
But am thankful
For everyone
Who cares
Each person
Is a breath of air
To which naturally
You cling
When you are suffocating

I guess maybe
I will post that
After all.

Okay well,
My post ended up a little different
Than I intended.

Then again,
So did my life.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Mistakes

Every single day
I make a mistake
Every. Single. Day.
The mistake?
Thinking you might resemble
Just 1%
Of the man
I met
6 years ago.

Possessing human decency
Regard for others
Compassion
Love, even.

But not for me.
Not for Mee.

I would like to say
Someday
I will stop
Making this mistake

But what can I say
At heart
I'm a dreamer
Even shattered
It still dreams
Not for love
Only for kindness
Maybe a little understanding
A tiny crumb
Of consideration
A thimble
Of respect

Maybe I won't ever
Stop making that mistake
Because you're his father after all
And children
Learn by example

So giving up
On the idea
You might treat me
Like something other
Than shit you stepped in
And can't fully wipe off your shoe
Will be letting go
Of the idea
My son
Will have a good decent example
Of what it is
To be a man
Who treats others
(Women especially)
With kindness
Compassion
And respect
Even
If they're not currently putting out
For you

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

My Tears


Maybe
One has your name

Maybe
It's more than one

Maybe
They are for lost love

Maybe
They are for love I never had

Maybe
They are for the loneliness
That wakes me
At 3:00 a.m.
To hold its hand
And remind me
How empty
My bed feels
At 3:00 a.m.

Maybe
They are for the children
Disappointed
Because their life
Their home
Their mother
Is not beautiful
Like on TV
Or in the movies

Maybe
They are for the stress
Of a day
That begins before dawn
And doesn't end
Until, exhausted
And defeated
I fall into bed
For those precious few hours
Of unconsciousness
Before Loneliness
Wakes me again

Maybe
They are for gratitude
Because despite all the mess
My life is not empty
And despite all the drama
I still have friends
And despite myself
I am. Still. Here.




Saturday, September 16, 2017

Saturday

6:00 - Wake-up and work until laptop battery dies (left my charger at work in a hurry to pick-up Nexen from the bus stop after realizing in a meeting I was three minutes late on Friday)
7:45 - Wake-up Nexen to get him to 8:15 soccer, get him dressed and make breakfast burritos.
8:00 - Need to leave for soccer to get there on time but Nexen has to go potty.
8:15 - Out the door, literally run with Nexen on my shoulders to soccer.
8:30 - Nexen's father shows up unannounced at soccer with his girlfriend's daughter and sit next to where I am standing.  I move to the other side of the field and try to calm myself.
8:50 - Nexen doesn't want to play in the soccer game.  He sits on my lap and cries and I half-heartedly try to to convince him to go back out.  I know why he's upset and doesn't want to play.
9:15 - Soccer is over and Nexen's dad asks if he can play with his girlfriend's daughter on the playground for a while.  I have to get to a funeral service and then get Sami to dance classes so I agree on the condition he take Nexen to Abacus at the house when he is done.  So I guess that worked out.
9:30 - Sami and I walk to funeral service for old co-worker's husband.
10:30 - We have to leave halfway through the service to get Sami to dance, never even get to pay our respects because I didn't want to disrupt the service.
11:00 - Make it to dance class, Sami forgot her tap shoes.  Can I bring them to her before tap class at 4:30.  Of course.
11:15 - Walk to work to get charger for laptop so I can work tonight.
12:30 - Make daily goal of 12,000 steps.
12:45 - Get home and play with Nexen.  Interrupt Abacus on his 8 hour facetime conversation with girl from school a few times.
3:00 - Take Nexen and head to the bus stop to take Sami her tap shoes.
3:45 - Get to dance school and wait until 5:30 for Sami to finish Fusion 2 auditions and tap class.
5:30 - Allow Sami to talk me into Ubering us home because she can hardly move after her full day of dance.
6:00 - Get home and make dinner.
7:00 - Make ice cream run with Abacus.  Pours raining on us on the way home.
9:00 - Nexen falls asleep watching "Pirates of the Carribean".  I finish watching it by myself.
11:00 - Overcome by love and gratitude.  Samurai's passion for dance, Ab's for soccer and Nexen's for life.  Nexen has been verbalizing sadness and frustration about having to be "shared".  The new schedule has been hard for him I know.  The boys were bickering when they were at home alone this morning.  I talked to Nexen about family and how it is the foundation and strength of the love in our heart. Sometimes in our heads we get frustrated with people but in our hearts we love them and we need to be careful to always speak from our heart and not our head because it's hurtful.  He was sweet and understanding.  He expressed love towards his brother the rest of the day.  I should probably talk to Abacus about it too though.
11:17 - Grateful for everyone who is helping me raise my children.  I shouldn't feel alone as often as I do.  There are so many people who help me.  I don't and can't say thank you enough.  I love you.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Face to Face

Face to face
With the life
I ruined
The only one
Completely innocent
It makes me sick
How he doesn't think
To protect her
But why do I
Still
Expect
Any common decency
From that man

Face to face
With the path
Forsaken
The look
On her face
Could not be
Mistaken

My life
For yours
I would
Have given it
I still would
If it could make things
Whole again
For you

I will
Always
Be sorry

Weight

I am no stranger
To carrying
Extra weight
On my shoulders
Often enough
I meet people
So amazing
They want
To help me
Carry it

But all it takes
Is one
Who wants
To bury me
Under it

I have met him
It is working
Bravo
You are winning

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Where

Where can I find
A gentle hand
To touch me
In a way
That I
Feel
Safe

Where can I find
A strong shoulder
To rest my head
And lean on
For a moment's
Respite

Where can I find
A true heart
That doesn't try
To take
To shield
To run away
To yield
But just
Be true
And still
And kind

Where can I find
Those pieces
Of myself
I've given away
Over the years
And wish
I still had

Where can I find
The answer
To the tears
That haven't stopped
Since the hearing


Where can I find
My heart

I need it
To love myself
Again

Friday, June 23, 2017

Him

I met a man
For whom
I would
Have
Died
He took
My love
And with
His twisted heart
And
His twisted mind
He twisted mine
And now
He makes
Me
Want
To
Die

Ain't love grand?

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Wow

Well
That took
No time at all
You are
Really
REALLY
Working hard
For my downfall

I wish
I could say
I'm strong enough
To withstand
Anything

But I'm not
I'm breaking
And you're doing it
And knowing
That you're enjoying it
Doesn't even make me feel stronger

You reopened
All my wounds
And now
With no time to heal
You've set to work
Stabbing
Going for the kill

You are
A vicious
Vicious
Beast

I pray
That I never know
The true depth
Of your rage
And capacity
To cause pain
Because I am sure
I've only seen
A fraction


Sunday, June 18, 2017

Hey World

Hey World
No
I'm not okay
I know
It's just another day
But I feel beaten
And battered
Bruised
And broken
I feel
Exhausted
And
Finished

I won't
Kill myself
Because
He would be
So happy
And my kids
So sad
But I have to say
The thought of death
Brings peace
To my tormented mind

Perhaps that's too much
But guess what
I don't care
Because I need to get it out
Before it kills me
Before the thoughts
Take shape
And form
And weight
And action

I know
I'm not alone
I know
That people care
I know
That only some people
Want me to hurt
This deeply
This thoroughly
And those people
Can laugh
And clap
And dance
Because this
This feeling
It's a new low
Congratulations

Hey World
Yes
I will be okay
I know that
And I can say it
But I will tell you
It feels really fucking empty
When anyone else does
So maybe
Save it
For when I'm ready
Right now
I just need to find my way
Out of this darkness
So if you have a light
Shine it
And if you don't
I'll share mine
When I find it again

Love
Mee


Ground

I take a step
It turns to sand
Quicksand
They say
Not to struggle
So you won't go under
How much sense
Does that even make
Yet
That's exactly
What I do

Accept
Accept
Accept

Don't struggle

Accept your lies
Accept my path
Accept my pain
Accept my death

Don't struggle

Darkness
The shadow
On my heart
From your knife
Obliterates
Yet another
Section of light

The light
In my eyes
Dims
Another degree
I need my son
I need my son to see

How can you stand there
And tell the judge
He's better off
Away from me
Even
For just that one day
How can you not see
He grounds me
And without him
I am lost

I am lost
And wandering
And scared
And alone
And I'm bleeding
From this wound
You inflicted
And it's not healing
Because you
Don't want to let me alone

You couldn't stand
For us to be happy
You couldn't stand
For us to not need you
You couldn't stand
Except in our way

My happiest day
Will be
When I am free
From you
Even
If that day
Is my last one

Friday, June 16, 2017

Have You

Have you
Taken your final stab
Or is there more
To come
Are you
Lying in the grass
Licking your chops
Enjoying the taste
Of my blood
As you ripped out
Yet another
Piece of my heart
Are you
Coming for the rest
In a few months
In a few years
How many more tears
Am I going to taste
Salty on my lips
Bitter in my heart
Making me want
To end all the pain
But knowing
Then
Only you
Will gain
Everyone else
Will lose
So I have to walk
Zombie like
Through my days
Pretending my world
Is okay
While inside
My soul writhes
In pain
Slashed again
And again
By your sword
You struck from the back
The coward's way
You always
Take
The coward's way
Crazy
To think
I once
Regarded you
Above
ALL
Men
My mistake
The kind
I pay for
The rest
Of my life


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

What Hurts the Most

Is
Every insult
You could add
To my injury
You did

Knowing you
Has been
And continues
To be
The most painful
Experience
Of my life

Also
The most humbling

Who am I
To know
The way to my son's happiness

Who am I
To understand
Where his best interests lay

Who am I
To dare
Dream of a world

Where I can hug my child
Goodbye
And then hello
Every
Freaking
Day

I'm shattered
Again
Congratulations

My only consolation
Is that I know
By now
When I put myself
Back together
I will
Be even stronger
And more beautiful
Than before

Wield your hammer of destruction
Go ahead
Keep breaking me apart
And grinding
My broken bits
Into dust

You do you

I use my hammer to build
And I believe that Nexen
Will always
Be bigger
Than both of us


You Are

You Are


Of my body
In my heart
On my mind

The tear
I won't let fall
The hug
I won't let end
The kiss
I won't let fade

My earth
Grounding me
My home
Sheltering me
My breath
Guiding me

You are

Worth the wait
Worth the fight
Worth the climb

This uphill battle
Is it cresting?

Doesn't matter
I'm not resting
I'll shoulder the burden
Until I can walk no more

And then...
And then I'll crawl

Whatever I have to do
I won't give up on you

I don't make a lot of promises
Because it hurts when they are broken
And you can't always keep
To the path
That once seemed so clear

But to you 
To you I promise
Today
And every day
I will believe in us
And I will fight for us
Until there is no fight left
Only
Acceptance






Saturday, April 15, 2017

The Origin of Pain (Part III)

(Part I)

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Cleanse
The Earth
My body
As one

I ask not
For yesterday
Though answers
Lurk like stalkers
In those dark shadows
Of my unexamined past

I ask not
For tomorrow
As they already
Come too fast
Too fast

But today
I cry out
In exquisite pain
As my battered heart
Works to open again

I stand
In judgment
Before no one
Except myself
Yet 
Anyone else
Would surely
Be easier on me

Well
Anyone
Except him
Who only
Ever
Sees lies
Because his brain
Twists truth
And beauty
With his poison mind
Into an amalgamation
Which one can only
Leave
Behind

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Purify
The Earth
My body
As one

(Part III)

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Purify
The Earth
My body
As one

I reach
For you
In the dark
Of the morning

I reach
For you
In the dark
Of my mourning

I reach
For you
And then pull back
Not sure
How to take
This latest attack

I don't know how
To escape
My fate
This rape
Times eight
This hate
This hate

I reach
For you
And then pull away
Ashamed
Again
For all I can't say
For the woman
I can't stay

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
Purify
The Earth
My body
As one



Saturday, April 8, 2017

My dearheart...

I can't find the words
To change your life
To heal the pain
The end the strife

I can't see the end
Of the path you're on
This slippery slope
Where hope seems gone

Not for us
We persist
With love in our hearts
With strength to resist

But hope for the littles
Burdened so young
With minds so troubled
When they should only know fun

Your beauty
Your strength
It shines in their eyes
But their tears can drown you
Like the weight of their lives

I stand not beside you
On your periphery
I stand not behind you
Should you turn to see

I stand inside you
My strength in your heart
My love in your mind
My wisdom in your eyes

I hope you can feel me
Residing inside you
Amplifying the love
You need to guide you

One.  Love.


Thursday, March 16, 2017

Dear Tiffany,

When I first met you, I thought to myself, wow, this woman is STRONG.  I know you don't always feel like that right now, but in my time getting to know you better, my opinion really hasn't changed.  

Before you write this entire letter off as BS based on that statement, I want to explain to you that, in my eyes, there is NOTHING stronger than a person who is unafraid to reveal their vulnerabilities. Who is unafraid to ask for help when they need it.  Who is unafraid to leap when the situation presents itself.

I want you to know that I do feel as though I have failed you as a friend.  But in doing so, I acknowledge how I haven't failed ME.  Which is pretty huge.  I am the Queen of Martyrdom.  I would gladly chop off my right arm and give it to someone if I thought it could help them.  Once I tried to donate my kidney.  My children were so upset with me.  I couldn't for the life of me understand why they couldn't see how much more valuable that person's life was than any suffering it may cause me.  What I couldn't see was how my suffering hurts them.

You are an amazingly beautiful person.  Multifaceted and shining even in your dark moments.  I am overly familiar with the brand of pain you are experiencing.  Not the exact flavor, of course our own experiences are unique, but the same flavor profile.  

I believed we could work as a team.  But then I failed you.  As time closed in, I became afraid I would lose myself to your needs.  Because, honestly, they trump mine right now.  But my life isn't exactly in a stable place.  So I failed to communicate.  And worse, I failed to provide the level of friendship and support you needed.  But in doing so, I did manage to preserve the little bit of my own sanity I needed to get me through my current hardships.

There are good days, when I have strength enough for myself, my family, and 100 other families. Then there are bad days, when merely providing for my family has to be enough.  And then there are worse days, when I can barely provide for my family, and just getting myself through the day has to be enough.

My point is, I hope you aren't leaving because the vision you had of being here didn't materialize the way you thought it would, or as immediately.  Anywhere you go right now, it's going to be really hard.  It's going to be a lot of work.  You need to be able to trust in something, right?  I know.  It's scary feeling like you're all alone.  No matter where you go, this is going to be a crazy difficult time in your life.  So I hope the path you choose provides you the level of support and safety you need to flourish.  And I hope you know, I stand behind you and your choices 100%.  I believe you know in your heart where you need to be, how to get where you want to go.

I know you're a fighter too.  How else could you have gotten so far with the cards you've been dealt? Fight for what you want, what you know is right, like there is no other choice.  Because, when it comes down to it, there isn't.  Alternate realities, dream worlds, "easy" roads...but there's no other real choice for us single moms.  Live hard, play hard, fight hard.  Yeah, the falls can be real painful, but all we need is the win.  And the way Zara's face lights up when she sees you?  That's the win.  That light is what we fight for, day in and day out, because we know how it feels to have our light stolen. 

Anyway, I'm sorry for every time I allowed you to feel less than welcome, wanted or needed.  Every time you needed help and I was nowhere to be found.  You have been doing an amazing job and I should have been more supportive.  Alas, I have been playing the role of a human when you needed a superhero.  Luckily, you had the superhero in you to get through all this so far.  You're amazing.  I'm so glad I met you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Darkness

I wasn't afraid of darkness
Until I stopped sleeping
And the darkness
Started to feel
Eternal

I wasn't afraid of darkness
Until I stopped shining
And the darkness
Started to feel
Impenetrable

I wasn't afraid
Of darkness
Until
I began to hide in it
And the darkness
Started to feel
Like
Home

Saturday, January 21, 2017

#WhyIMarch

I march because I can no longer be silent.  Silence is a luxury afforded a Country with a government that works for ALL of its citizens.

I march because I have the power to do so.  For every woman who is held by fear, obligation, control, finances, disability or lack of understanding, I march for her.

I march because I love our Country and its founding principles.  If we fail to exercise our democratic rights, we stand to lose them.

I march to be an example to my children.  To show them the moral imperative to stand up for that what you believe.

I march because I believe in my womanhood and motherkind.  It's time to celebrate that.

I march to add my face to the anonymous masses.  To add my heart to the strength of the love movement.

I march because I am woman.  Hear me roar.

https://youtu.be/-zw9dhiYJqY

Friday, January 13, 2017

Dear Box,

Thank you.  I am grateful for how you've sheltered me all these years.  I needed your protection, I was fragile, I needed to heal.  I felt so safe inside of you.  Warm.  As I grew, you stayed the same. I found myself shrinking, to fit inside of you.  To stay safe.  Warm.

But safety became a delusion.  Because I had outgrown you.  So I lived in denial, kept shrinking to fit.  During my various growth spurts, I would stand-up, look around.  I started to venture out, from time to time.  Run, dance...play.  Pain would come, I would retreat to you.  Shrink myself as best I could.  Hide.

The word I chose this year is "Open".  My first step, dear box, is to not just venture outside, but to leave you behind entirely.  I know there's another little girl, who needs your protection, during a vulnerable time.  Hopefully she will be insightful enough to leave you behind as soon as she outgrows you, instead of continuing to hang on, as I have.  Far, far too long.

And so, today, I write to tell you I'm leaving you.  I'm moving on.  I'm done shrinking to fit, denying myself the opportunity to stand in my pain and grow stronger in my own right.  The pain will come, and I will no longer retreat.  I will not seek shelter or safety.  I will experience the pain and grow stronger.  Perhaps I will need to reach out, but no longer will I run and hide.

I am Open.

I am Love.

I am Resilience.

I am Mee.

Finally.