At the risk

Of writing
Too much
In one night
Which
I hardly
Remember

At the risk
Of my heart
Breaking
Again

At the risk
Of exposing
My sadness
My weakness
My breaking
Point

At the risk
Of losing
Everything

I ask

What

Do you see
In Mee

Sadness

Overtakes me
As I sit
Alone
Admittedly
Slightly
Inebriated
As my children
Babies
Venture out
Into the world
In their costumes
On Halloween
Without
So much
As a thought
Or backwards glance
And I
Wait
For maybe
A photo
And
As an afterthought
I get a selfie
Which doesn't even feature
The costume
I spent three hours
Procuring
The night before

Welcome
To teenagers
Welcome
To the end
Of childhood
As it once
Made sense
And now
Now
...

What

I don't know
How to live
Without love
And I
Clearly
Don't know
How to live
With it
Either

10/31/2018

So
Here's the thing



But

My whole life
I have been fooled
And to this day
I am not
Always
Sure
Whether I am still
Being played

Even
By my own
Children

So
Here I sit
At work

On Halloween

My first night

Ever

Not taking them
Trick or treating

And

I am confused

That is all.

Being Female

So
Sometimes
You let things go
Because
You're female
And you've spent
You're entire life
Letting things go
Because
Honestly
That's what you're taught

But
Sometimes
You go out
With a female
Who says no
This shit
Is not okay

And you leave

And you realize

You could have
Been leaving
Your whole
Damn
Life

Sometimes

Sometimes
I can't sleep
So I allow
All the shit
To pour
Out of my brain
In an attempt
To regain
Reign
Over my senses

I am thankful
For this blank page
Sometimes
I cover with rage

Or

Confessions from the cage
In which
I allow
My self
To live

Sometimes
I look back
And discover
I haven't moved an inch
But sometimes
I look back
And see
That doors
Are opening
And sometimes
I've even
Taken
A step outside

What would it look like
To shed my past
The shackles
Of the mistakes
Of the earlier versions
Of my self

What would it sound like
To speak
Without fear

What would it feel like
To forgive Mee?

If I Could Feel

If I could feel
What it is
To know your life
Your thoughts
The world
Through your eyes
The sum
Of your experience
The callings
Of your heart
The musings
Of your mind

If I could hear
My words
As they fall
On your ears

If I could see
My impact
As it builds
Your heart and mind

If I could touch
Your heart
The way
You've touched mine

I would tell you
I'm sorry
For all my missteps
I'm proud
Of who I see
And I love
Who you have become
Unconditionally

I miss you

In the darkness
Of the night
I long for you
In my line of sight
When I reach out
And you are there
It's a feeling
Beyond compare
And I share
The unfairness
Of it all
In the moments
Between
When I wake up
Next to you
And close my eyes
Again
With your image
The last thing
In view
And I feel
Things unravel
In those moments
Between
And I feel
Things
Unravel
In these moments
Between

But I
Am stronger
Than I realize
Most days
And I
Am stronger
Than you
Realize
And my love
Is stronger
Than you
Could possibly
Know
So we'll just
Keep coming together
And see
Where it goes

And I know
You want things
I can't offer
Right now
But I know
You want things
I will offer
When the time
Is right
So if we keep
The fear
At bay
If we love
Through
The lonely
Days
We could know
A new happiness
And I could write
Of the fullness
Of our love
Of the completeness
Of our life
Together
Instead

Truth

The truth is
I never thought
I deserved you
So funny
Cool
Handsome
Loving
Intelligent
Fun
Respectful
Determined
Patient

I never understood
What you saw in me

I clearly
Never understood
What you needed from me

I fell in love
Despite myself
And now
I pay the price

But I would pay it again
And again
Because allowing myself
To know your love
Is the nicest thing
I have done for Mee
Possibly ever

My Story

My story
My narrative
It entertains
It amuses
Sometimes
It impresses
People tell me
I should write it down
Share it
But
The truth is
I need to let it go
For too long
I have been shackled
By the life
I allowed to happen
By not standing up
For myself
By not
Taking personal responsibility
For my present
My future
My past
For not seeing myself
As worthy
To breathe the same air
As others
And it hurts
To think
Of all the pain
I've caused
Hiding
From my own light
Because it hurts
To look back
On my missteps
But to forgive
Myself
I need to examine
That story
Accept all
That has brought me
To this place
In my life
And forgive myself
For not being more protective
Of my heart
And everyone else's.

The sleepless nights
Continue
And I fear
It will be a long time
Before
I sleep soundly
Again
But this time
I will honor
All the good
And be vigilant
To not repeat
Mistakes of the past

Failure hurts
Almost as much
As a broken heart
And when they come
As a package
It's a lot to handle

I feel as though
My future found me
But wished to have found me
In the past
And the present
Was never enough
I was too slow
To see
Too slow
To trust
Too slow
To illuminate his world
With the woman
He must have glimpsed
Inside of me
The one I want
To spend more time
Being

I wish I could have shown him
Before it was too late
Now to honor the love
I found with him
I just have to show myself
And not get lost again