Friday, December 23, 2011

Happiness Is

Happiness is
A pile of clean laundry
Yet to be folded
Full of mismatched socks
In various sizes
The pinkness of my little girl's clothes
The softness of my little boy's favorite sweatpants
The practicality of the old pillowcase
Not pretty but often used

Happiness is
A moment of silence
In a house filled with such chaos
And love
That I completely forgot
To leave for my acupuncture appointment
I lost track of time
I got lost in the moment
And here I am
Relishing in another
But equally fulfilling

Happiness is
A full belly
Full of love
Full of laughter
Full of latkes
Full of baby

Happiness is
This moment
When I stop beating myself up
About all I allowed to happen
When I stop scaring myself
About the uncertainty of the future
And I just allow myself
A moment of happiness
Of gratitude
For all my blessings
Of love
For all that I now hold close to me
Of strength
For all that I have let go
Of hope
For all that will come to be
Of knowledge
That I've been nothing but Mee
And that's not such a bad thing
In the end

I thought I was happy soaring above
When in reality
I needed to be brought to my knees
To see the true path
Through the trees
I will no longer soar above
Before I have tested the ground
And listened closely
For tremors
Those destructive forces
You never sense
If you don't let your feet
Ever touch down

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Book for Samurai

Mama Loves Samurai by Jennifer Quinn | Make Your Own Book

I made a book for Samurai for her holiday present.  And after the fact, I got some pics in from Aunt Staci...they're definitely going in the next book, but for now...

Monday, December 12, 2011

It hurts

It hurts to love you
It hurts to love you
It HURTS to love you
And still I do

I want it to go away
I want to ignore it
I want to pretend
None of it

I want the truth
To penetrate my being
And break it apart
The way it tore my mind apart
The way it tore my heart apart
The way it tore my soul apart

But my being
Is still whole
It's carrying your child

I wish I were dying instead
Instead of living
And growing
This new life
Dying would be so much easier

Every dream
Of my future
I had
Is shattered
And broken
And stabbing me
With every breath
I take

And here I am
Just trying to get by
And grow
And become someone
Strong enough
To handle all of this

But right now
Right now
I feel small
And alone
And afraid
And alone
And angry
And alone
And alone
And alone

I should just go home
And be with my children
And breathe them in
And remember
Inside of them
A love that doesn't lie
Inside of me
A love that doesn't lie

And no matter
How much
It hurts to love
It can never hurt
As much
As a lie

Did you ever love

Did you ever love
With complete
To be abandoned

I did.
It sucks.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Last Night

My children have been painting since they were babies.  As younger children they would have a tendency to get very messy while painting and most of the time I would just allow them to paint naked rather than have to wash them and their clothing.  They would inevitably paint each other, full body style, after which they'd end-up in the bath while I cleaned up after them.

As they got older I introduced them to more professional types of paint.  I explained to them that it is not the same as the kid paint and under no circumstances are they to treat it as such, i.e., paint each other with it and otherwise waste it.  They have adhered to my rules for the past two years and as a result I have them allowed them more freedoms (like leaving them downstairs to paint while I do some work from home on my computer).  Well, last night they forgot themselves and decided to get naked and paint each other, head to toe, with my good, acrylic ($25.99/tube) paint.

Well, when they called me down to look at them, knowing how I would always laugh and compliment them on their artwork when they did it with their paint, they were very surprised when I yelled at them.  I try not to yell at them very often and when I do, and it's really unwarranted or just overblown, I always apologize.  Well this time I was delayed in my apology, and after carrying them into the bathtub to get washed up I went in my bedroom to cool down.  I overheard the following conversation:

Sami:  "Mama hates us."
Ab:  "We're horrible children."
Sami:  "She didn't even apologize to us for yelling like she usually does."
Ab:  "That's because we deserved it."
Ab:  "Let's clean the bathtub so she doesn't have to."
Sami:  "Yeah, and we'll clean the rest of the bathroom too."
Ab:  "We can have a cleaning company."
Sami:  "Yeah and we can call it..."
Ab: "Just Like New"
Sami:  "Yeah, Just Like New."

Then they actually did proceed to clean the entire bathtub (which was a considerable task because they were covered head to toe in paint) and were about to clean the rest of the bathroom when I stopped them and told them to get ready for bed instead.  But I thanked them for the cleaning job and gave them a brief refresher course in the reasons why we don't use Mama's paint in the same way we are allowed to use the kids' paint.  

I reassured them of my undying love and devotion and further reminded them that doing a bad thing doesn't make them bad people.  Mistakes are absolutely allowed and as long as we make an honest effort to learn from them, they can actually be an important tool for personal growth.

I don't feel good about yelling at them the way I did but it was very interesting to overhear their dialogue and witness their willingness to take responsibility for and even clean up the mess they made, and then even find a way to enjoy the self-imposed punishment.

I wonder if they learned as much as I did last night. 

Conversations with Abacus

Abacus:  "Mama, when are we going to have the sex talk?"
Me:  "Um.  Do we need to have the sex talk?  Do you have questions about something?"
Abacus:  "Well, I think I know what the sex talk is.  It's like talking about where babies come from."
Me:  "Actually, you have a pretty good idea of where babies come from.  It's more about how babies are made."
Abacus:  "Okay, I'll let you know when I'm ready for that talk."
Me:  "Okay."

Birthing from Within

So this blog is actually about birth and birth art but I was listening to Pandora when I pulled up the first scan which was Samurai's piece she titled, "Door to Bright" and this song came on and it was too perfect of a moment to not share.

Anyway I love the book, "Birthing from Within" by Pam England and it is the book I am using to conduct my own little birth class with my two little birth partners.  We did some birth art exercises last night.  First we did drawings entitled "Facing Fear" and then we did "Door to Birth", which Sami unwittingly but beautifully changed her title to "Door to Bright".  

Samurai actually copied her door to birth off of mine, and I hope she does continue to model her attitude toward birth after mine.

We did the "Facing Fear" exercise first and I think that Abacus was still a little caught up in his birth fears when we worked on our "Door to Birth" drawings because it is still largely about death.  And by the way Abacus is confused about what a Vbac actually is, he thinks it is a Caesarean birth, which is one of his fears (see below).  Anyway inside his door to birth he actually drew the stages of human development.  First is the baby, not mobile, second is the crawling baby, third is the walking baby, fourth is the toddler, fifth is the teenager, sixth is the adult and last is the old man.

Samurai's "Facing Fear" drawing depicts me in the hospital having a Caesarean.  Abacus is interestingly drawn smaller than Samurai who is covering her eyes.

Abacus drew his two biggest fears.  First he drew me dying in childbirth.  All of the red shooting out of his body is tears.  "I will be crying a lot."  Second is me having a Caesarean birth.  He is still crying but not as much.

Clearly I need to show them some videos of natural births.

It is important to explore our fears though so we are all aware of how we feel and are able to properly support each other.  I am very proud of my children being willing to face and express their fears and further being willing, able and excited to be my birth partners.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I am not throwing stones
I am mending broken bones
It wasn’t sticks and stones
That broke my bones
It was your words
Your actions
That hurt me
My bones are fine
My heart is broken
My brain screams
To let you go
But I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know how

I shut you out
And you scream from the inside
I want you back in my life
But I have too much pride
I want you back in my life
But the sobbing won’t subside
I want you back in my life
But I’m tired of hurting
I’m exhausted from living
This kind of life
Where I can’t trust anyone

Thanks to you
I now trust myself
Because I’ve finally come clean
I never understood
What it really was to lie
To others
To myself
I never understood
The damage I was doing
To others
To myself
I never understood
The pain I was capable of causing
Until I set myself free
To love someone completely
And they betrayed me

I want to let go
I want to forgive
But I’m not ready
Because first I need to live
In a place
With people
I can trust
And love
And stay there
Long enough
To be safe
From you

And to think
I once felt safer
Than any other place
Ever in my life
When I was in your arms
And all that time
I was being comforted
By lies
By deception

What you did to me
Makes me sick
Every time I think of it
Every time I think of you
So why
Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

And no
It is not lost on me
That someone
Right now
Feels this very same way
About me

I died a thousand deaths
In a thousand different ways
And still I am breathing
So I have to go on
I have children to raise
And baby to grow
And a world of wonder
That someday I may know
If only I can forgive myself
If only I can forgive you
If only I can forgive myself
If only I can forgive you
If only I can forgive myself
If only I can forget you

I don’t ever want to forget what I’ve done
But I do want to continue to grow
So I need to let go
I need to let go

I want to be in that place
Where you don’t matter to me
I no longer feel anger
I no longer feel love
I just respect you as the human being that you are
And I love you for being human
But nothing more
Nothing more

No one
In my life
Knew everything
Until you
I do not regret
Trusting you
Because I discovered
My capacity to love
Is far larger
Than I had ever
Given myself the chance
To understand

To have loved
The way I loved
Is unbelievable
It’s like fairytale
Until the part
Where you find out
He never loved her back
And then
Then the story
Becomes quite real

There is nothing for me to do
But feel my way out of this
There is no more running
There is no more hiding
There is just turning around
And facing all my demons
And shouting
It’s now or never
Slay me now
Or you will never
Get another chance

Because soon
I will be purged
And I will emerge
A woman who has done bad things
But is no longer bad
A woman who cannot be judged
Because she no longer
A woman who is tired of hurting
And other people
A woman who will not run
Or hide
From anything
A woman who loves herself
And everyone else
And by living
In this way
All she will have to give
Is love
No more anger
No more fear
No more hurt
No more judgment
Just love

And I see her now
And I will be her
Just wait and see
She will be Mee

Saturday, November 26, 2011


We live in a society ruled by fear and it disgusts me.  I don't want my children growing-up afraid to walk down the street.  Tonight, at 6:00 p.m., I allowed my eight year old son to walk two blocks to Wendy's, to get himself a frosty and fries, and return to my office.  I asked him if he wanted me to walk a block behind him, so he would feel safe but still be independent.  He said he wanted to go alone, he had my phone and knows the way.

He walked there with no incident.  He called me on the way to say he was fine.  But once he got in the Wendy's the patrons freaked out that he was in there by himself and got a nearby police officer involved who detained him and summoned me to pick him up where the officer proceeded to berate me in front of the restaurant and loudly advise me he would be reporting me to DHS.

Here's the problem I have.  If the officer was so concerned for his safety and well-being, why didn't he escort my son the two blocks back to the office and talk to me there.  That's not what he was concerned with.  He was concerned with making the public feel that he'd admonished me properly.  He didn't care that my son ended-up in tears when he wasn't scared until he was detained by the police officer.  When I came in he made a point of very loudly stating that he could have been raped or killed in the two block walk to Wendy's.  

Well I for one do not feel safe that our police department feels that in two blocks, at 6:00 p.m., a child could be raped or killed just by walking two blocks down the street.  Perhaps if he spent time detaining criminals instead of eight year old children, the city would be a safer place.

If our society, instead of being horrified that a child is walking alone, just paid a little extra attention so that child felt safe, our society in general would be a safer and happier place.  I do not feel bad or stupid or negligent for allowing Abacus the chance to be independent.  I refuse to believe that at any given moment a horrible thing is going to happen.  I understand that it can, but I believe the more we are afraid the less we truly live.  I don't want to teach my children to live in fear and not believe in themselves.

Abacus is now scared of getting in trouble with the police and annoyed that people don't mind their own business. He said that if people didn't go up to the officer, the officer would've never even noticed him and he would've been back at the office without incident.  But he fully believes in his ability to walk down the street by himself in a reasonable neighborhood at a reasonable time of day.

Bad things are going to happen to us no matter how much we try to protect ourselves from them.  The best thing we can do for our children is increase their belief in themselves and their ability to handle difficult situations.  Allowing small amounts of independence at a time when they desire it is a fantastic way to do that.

The fact of the matter is I work really late.  I don't always have money for the bus or the patience to stand on a corner 30 minutes waiting for one.  So I walk.  Alone.  All the time.  At all hours of the night.  The chances of something happening to ME are far greater than the chances of something happening to him.  But I can't do anything to remedy that situation at this point in my life.  So what if something happens to me, and all my son knows is that he's only safe if I'm around?  I don't even want to think about that.

My son needs to believe in himself.  Right now, at this point in his life, he DOES.  He believes in his abilities because I have always stood behind him and allowed him the independence to grow into that belief.  His little sister is very timid.  I haven't made her feel ashamed of it or that she has to try to change it.  That will come naturally.  But given that fact, it is even more important that her brother believe in himself.  If something happens to me, she will need him to know what he is capable of.  And my son is capable of doing anything he believes he can do.

If a child is taught their entire life they are only safe with a grown-up, then whatever grown-up they are with has power over that child whether they are good or bad.  If a child is taught their entire life they are safe when they feel safe, and if they don't, they need to get somewhere or around someone with whom they do feel safe, that child will always carry their own power.  In a situation where they are abducted they will not be afraid to run away, to cross the street, to get somewhere safe, around people who are safe.

I refuse to believe that I acted negligently or harmfully.  I did not force him to do something alone out of laziness or not caring.  It was a lot of work to not follow after, but I wanted to know I could trust him and I could trust society at large.  I'm glad people pay attention.  I wonder, if a bad person had tried to approach him, would those people have said anything then?  Or just watched and shook their heads at my negligence.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Where am I?

I am in a place
Where the only light
Is shining from the inside
Every day
I wake-up
In darkness
I can't see where I am
I can't see where I am going
So I close my eyes again
And find the light
And it guides me

Sometimes they are there
The little lights of my life
That came from inside me
And those mornings
Are a lot brighter
But these mornings
When all is dark around me
I wake-up
And remind myself to breathe

I am here
Just where I need to be
And it is the most painful place
I have ever been
And I am alone
And I am not looking to be comforted
Or distracted

It would be easy
To fall into a moment
Because those moments
Are exactly what caused this fall
It would be easy
To take comfort
In arms that used to hold me
And a voice
A voice that once spoke words
That made my heart take flight
It would be easy
To put away my defenses
And feel that love again
For even just one night

But the truth has burned my eyes
And scarred my soul
The truth has ripped my heart out
Beating from my chest
And with exacting coldness
Torn out that part he gave me
And replaced it with this mess

I work feverishly
To stop the bleeding
And heal my wounded heart
I intend to be reborn
To have another start
A new beginning
A chance to live free
Or maybe it's less of a rebirth
And more of an evolution
I will be the love I see
And I will not bother my eyes
With any more lies
Show me something real
Or just fucking leave me be

Monday, November 14, 2011


Something ripped me open
From my little death woken
The fading rhythm of a lifeline
Is music for a dead child

I'm skirting the rim
Skirting the rim of reality
Skirting the rim
Love, don't pull me in

Somehow everything is broken
Hours past and never replayed
I sing the sadness of a love that
Though it lives, can never be made

There are cracks where
The white light burns through
Seems I see everything but the truth
Once more to that sacred place
The dream that sucks me under
I'm skirting the rim
Skirting the rim of reality
Skirting the rim
Love, don't pull me in

Somehow everything is broken
Hours past and never replayed
I sing the sadness of a love that
Though it lives, can never be made

Somehow everything is clearer now
Hours pass with never a relief
I sing the sadness of a moment
Though it lived was never seen, seen, seen

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

August 25, 2008

You know
There's this
Part of me
Straight up
Good heart
In me
Is obscured
By all
The bad thoughts
I think
Of myself

And still
I shine
An inexplicable
Which makes
Think things
Feel things
I don't

And all throughout
My history
I've had
In me
The ones
I knew
The best

And it's funny
How that
Sticks with you
The opinions of
A selected few
And beats
You down
Over the course
Of your life

And I knew
I wanted
To disassociate
And learn
Of something
To make me
And worthy
And loved

But you know
I spent years
And years
And now
I'm tired

My legs
Are still
And the
To run
Is miles long
And I know
I can outrun
My past
At long last

I find myself
Standing still
Biding my time
Examining my mind
For reality
Beyond perception
For true
Of this girl
Of this woman
Of this life
Of this family
And all that is
Important to me

I've made
My life
A battlefield
I lacked
The strength
To resolve
My inner struggle
And inner peace
Brings balance
And I was
Finding my way
On the right path
Some time ago
But my brain
Confuses quiet
And emptiness
And does not
The peace
To stay
For fear
Of becoming
Brain dead

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

August 12, 2008

There was a note
In the song
Of a bird
In a tree
A single note
Which spoke
To me
It said
In life
Not even love
Is free
And this
Of songbirds
This one
Spoke more
Of my misfortune
Than I

Summer, 2008

And the days pass
And my resolve lasts
Only as long as my memories
Are colored and fanciful
An imaginary hue
As long as my memories
Are distorted of you
Of him, of our life together
It was months over years
A function of time
A fraction of life
A majority of my mind
And the realness creeps back
Into my peripheral vision
Vision which had blinders
Since the division
Of our life
Into neat little compartments
Of our time
Into parcels of child care
How strange to turn children
Into a time share
But so long as they remember
Each day our love
Which once was so powerful
It rained gifts from above
Lives inside their hearts
And beats there as one
And they are the blessings
We call daughter and son
This time we deem troubled
Will reveal blessings doubled
In the form of parents
Happy and free
To discover their own paths
Which were simply too narrow
To walk side by side
And experience growth
We both wanted to lead
Neither to follow
And the lesson I've learned
Is of strength and of pride
Is of love and respect
Is that to be real
It doesn't need to be perfect
As long as you know
Which ties to sever
And when
Everyone's life can be whole again

October 6, 2008

He draws me
And smiling
And I'm
So thankful
I'm always happy
In his mind

I asked him
To tell me
About his day
And he responded
By saying
He wouldn't answer
Until I gave him
Something he wanted

How young
He is
To have learned
To hold my love
To get what he wants

Later in the night
When he didn't
Want me to leave
He graced me with a response
And I wanted to lie there
And talk about his day

But my train was coming
And he was up past his bedtime
So I left him
As I do
So many more nights
Than I ever thought I could stand
But I do
Because I have no other choice

The price I've paid
For being reckless
With my life
Is losing
The only beautiful thing
I've ever made
And it just isn't getting any easier

Although I'm coming to know the routine
And a certain numbness in my brain
Does serve to help me maintain
This harrowing schedule
These points of departure

And how I do cherish
And live
In each moment
I spend with them

Although I admit
The day to day would leave me weary
I like to think
I wasn't entirely ungrateful
For what I had
When we were whole

Monday, October 24, 2011


Have different meanings
By the speaker
And the recipient

It's no wonder
Can be such a difficult task

Have different meanings
By the actor
And the observer

It's no wonder
Can be such a difficult task

Has different meanings
On who you ask

It's no wonder
Can be such a difficult task

Has just one meaning
But infinite manifestations

It's no wonder
Can be such a difficult task

Friday, October 14, 2011

Dear Samurai,

Did you know that I need you as much as you need, or perhaps more?  You are my light in the dark.  You are the sweetest soul.  I am so proud to be your Mama, and I hope that I can always make you proud and happy in return.

The life I have lived so far, I hope that you can learn from all my choices, good and bad.  From all my pain and sadness, so that you may not have to know your own.  At least, not in the same ways.  I pray for the wisdom to be able to always communicate to you appropriately these lessons I have so harshly learned, in a way that you can hear, understand and internalize.

I love you with everything I am, have been and will come to be.  There are but a few people who have been privileged enough to know this kind of love from me.  It is too overwhelming for all but the purest of heart and intention, and so it is extra special for me when I am able to freely share it.

This morning was beautiful.  It will be a beautiful day.  Enjoy it, my love.

Forever yours,

Friday, October 7, 2011

Three Things

Why do I feel?

Why do I feel
When the alternative
Would hurt so much less

Why do I feel
When turning it off
Would allow me so much rest

Why do I feel
When it drags me
Through the depths of despair

Why do I feel
When my feelings
Deprive me of air

I feel because it's beautiful
Even in its darkest moments

I feel because it's natural
And numbness is no way to live

I feel because it's real
And faking it has never been my style

I feel because it's life
And I don't want to miss being alive

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Have You?

Have you ever dreamed an impossible dream
And woken up to find it is your reality

Have you ever been destroyed by reality
Only to find it was all just a dream

Have you ever bravely unmasked your worst enemy
Only to find your own face, staring back at you

Have you ever stared at your image in the mirror
Not recognizing the face as your own

Have you ever repeated a word so many times 
It lost all meaning

Have you ever been scared to utter a word
Because it meant so much

Have you ever wanted to bash your head into a tree
Just to relieve the pain inside your brain

Have you ever wanted to hang your heart on a telephone pole
And watch the crows and squirrels feed on it because it would make it hurt less

Have you ever loved in such a way that the world stopped around you
And when the world started again you found you'd been left behind

Have you ever hated in such a way that unimaginable horrors became desirable
And when you stopped to breathe you could see only love

Have you ever dreamed an impossible dream
And woken up to find it is your reality

Have you ever been destroyed by reality
Only to find it was all just a dream

Afternoon Tune

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Morning's Muse-ic

Letters from the Past: February 25, 2010

This morning I took a little trip down memory lane and came across a letter I wrote to Abacus a little over a year and a half ago.  I thought it blog-worthy.  

Hi baby.  Today we had a mama-son day.  Sami stayed at Mom Mom's because we had our millionth snow day this winter.  But you wanted to stay with me and go to work.  We went to dinner at Hoof and Fin and you were hilarious.  I really enjoyed spending time with you even though you weren't on your best behavior at my work.

You are determined to get your ear pierced.  I posted an update on Facebook and was it was interesting to read the responses.  You know I'm inclined to let you do what you want and especially in terms of expressing your individuality.  Even though in this case it's largely because your sister has gotten her ears pierced.

Things have been a bit difficult for me this winter.  There were days when I felt like you and your sister were the only things I had in my life for which to live.  I share this because I know in your life you'll become depressed at certain times.  I want you to know how deeply I understand and hope you believe me when I tell you everything's going to be okay.

Here's the heart of the matter - the deeper you allow yourself to love, the more it's going to hurt when love changes.  But being open is the key to a fulfilling life.  There will be someone who never wants to hurt you, who only wants to love you.  And you'll likely go through many relationships before you find this balance.  The one thing I ask you is when you find her, don't let her go if you love her and she loves you back.  Even if on occasion you hurt each other by accident or by circumstance.  

I hope when the time comes you understand what I'm telling you.  I've known a lot of pain in my life, and there is NOTHING worse than not being able to be open to receive the love of the one person you'd really give anything to be with in the end.  It's a cruel twist of fate, these lessons in love, and I know you'll have plenty of your own but I just hope for you happiness like I shared with my Shawn and wisdom enough to see how to navigate through your emotions to come to a place of balance in order to find a way to maintain the love before it twists and turns away from  you.

Above all, listen to your heart and if she gives you hers, listen to hers too.  There's music to be heard.

I love you,

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I just need to get it out

Wednesday Morning

Good morning, Brain.
Good morning, Heart.  Well, you've really gone and done it now, haven't you?
Are you happy with yourself?
No, not at all.  But where were you in all this?
Oh, believe me, I was busy warning you as always.  As always, you chose to ignore me.
This loneliness is so vast.
I know.  But we're doing the right thing now.  I know how hard it is for you to let go.  I'm very proud of the strength you showed last night.
Thank you.  But would I have not felt more full waking-up next to him this morning?
No.  His presence is a placebo.  You know he will just leave and go home to her.  The happiness you feel when he is with you only amplifies the sadness you feel when he has gone back to her.
Oh Brain, how did I not see this coming?  Everybody warned me.
Because, my Heart, you are too trusting and giving and sincere where others are not.
Brain, I long for him.
You will.  Every day for the rest of your life.
*sigh*  I know I am strong, but I feel weak.
All the more reason to stay away from him.
This is such the antithesis of what I saw coming.
No, Heart, you are never able to see these things coming.  You just throw yourself all in and then, after, you look back and understand how things could have been different.
I know.  I was so attracted by his foresight.  And ability to plan.
And he was likely attracted by your impetuousness.  Looks like you won.
Funny, I don't feel much like a winner.
Heart, let me explain something to you.  I have never understood you, for all my intelligence and logic, you have always defied me.  Yet I admire that you are so strong that no matter what is thrown at you in life, you find a way to love again.  And with such reckless abandon it dizzies me sometimes.  For all we have been through, and all we have yet to achieve in our life, I stand behind you one hundred percent.  Even when you are foresaken by all others.
Thank you, Brain.  I am lucky to have you.  Thank you for not abandoning me.
How, dear Heart, could I ever do that?  There is no other love such as yours.
Well, there is one.
We will see about that.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

In your lives so far you have learned many things.  For this I am so very proud of you.  I am not always proud, however, of the things I inadvertently teach you.  I just hope that you learn good lessons from my life's struggles.  Lessons which you do not have to replicate yourself to truly understand!

So much of what I learned about love, true love, I learned from you two.  As a matter of fact, the love we share highlights the imperfections in the other loves I have known in my life.  

I have taught you that marriages sometimes end.  I hope what you take away from that is, above and beyond everything else, you need to realize your own happiness.  If you are unhappy, you are depriving everyone you love in your life of the happiness that they know you possess, and, therefore, a portion of their own happiness.  I hope that you learn that we did try to make things work, and in doing so, came to understand our best path to secure everyone's present and future happiness, was away from each other.

I used to count my marriage amongst my failures.  But how can I count something as a failure which had such an amazing result.  I hope you can see what I now see, my marriage with your father as a necessary passage to great personal growth and understanding.  A huge step toward actualizing a woman that you can forever be proud to call your mother.  Something to know about me, I have a lot of energy, and to keep it positive, I need positive growing experiences.  When I stagnate, my energy becomes negative, and it can suck me down quite quickly.  And when someone else's energy is negative either in general or toward me, the downward spiral is nearly inescapable.

In my life I have so much hope.  Hope that was missing for so long and largely born (or reborn) out of creating and growing and loving you two.  It has been renewed tenfold by a new love in my life.  And what I want to say is this.  I hope to show you, by example, how to build and grow new love instead of continuing to show you endings.  I hope to give you back all of the important lessons you have taught me (or perhaps reminded me), at any times you may forget (this happens to the best of us).  

And I hope, beyond all other hope, that you NEVER know the pain of loneliness that I have known.  Because, always, my babies, ALWAYS, I hope my words and actions allow you to remember and keep me close the way I will always keep you close.



Saturday, July 30, 2011


December 31, 2006

Alone, with my thoughts attacking
I pray for the least hijacking
Of my feelings, thoughts, and/or emotions
Steal them, rape them, drown them in ocean's
Waters, salty like my tears dropping
Waters, deep like my fears cropping
up around my periphery
Take my eyes too, that I may not see
All the pain, self-inflicted
All the shame, to be re-gifted
passed on to the next generation
If I succumb to my alienation
If I allow soul devastation
If I cannot beat this infernal infestation
If I cannot beat this internal manifestation
Of self-hatred, self-loathing, self-pity and despair
If I cannot believe I deserve to breathe the same air

Alone, with bad thoughts subsiding
I laugh, for my brain's abiding
By new feelings, thoughts and new emotions
Hold them, love them, float them in ocean's
Waters, buoyant like a blue balloon
Waters, brilliant like the sun and moon
rising and setting
Show me the way, that I may see
All the beauty, so neglected
All the truth, always reflected
And pass it on to the next generation
If I succumb to my revelations
If I allow soul restoration
If I can beat this emotional infection
If I can beat this painful resurrection
Of past-hatred, past-loathing, past pity, past despair
I will come to believe I deserve all the good that is there

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Yay!  I made it to another Zelda's. We did a phrase poem where Tom picked random phrases out of the "Urbanite" and we wrote based on those.  The phrases were:

Until the age of 21
A unique selection
White foam churns on the surface
Spend less time in their cars
Taking a class on sound
No boys allowed
Appeals to and attracts the people
The Summer of 1919

I chose to write all the words vertically, in order, and create matching sentences, as follows:

Until the end of time
The wisdom of the sages
Age indeterminate
Of forever we drink and eat
21 days later
A chemical collides
Unique and ubiquitous
Selection is natural
White clouds polka dotted with blue
Foam residue marks the tide even as it
Churns like an upset stomach
On the cusp of your first performance
The night beckons and you examine the
Surface of the playing field
Spend time trying to determine if
Less is more
Time does not stand still
In the freeze frame 
Their lips almost touch and
Cars pass by
Taking no notice
A baby is born
Class ends
On the sweetest Sunday
Sound is eaten like candy
No child can resist
Boys searching for the next best thing
Allowed to find themselves among
Appeals from several women
To infinity
And beyond.  Space
Attracts me and I am summoned to
The outer rim.  Outside of him.
People cannot find me underneath all
The vocabulary but it is
Summer and the sky
Of blue is reminiscent of

Monday, July 18, 2011


I've been wanting to post an Adele song for some time.  I really wasn't thinking it was going to be this one.

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

Tonight I write to you of love.  In this most wonderful, complicated, fleeting, amazing state of being, commonly known as living, there is one feeling to rule all feelings.  This feeling is love.  Love is the creator of many beautiful things.  Don't believe me?  Just look in the mirror.  

I am sorry that the love your father and I shared for each other was not sustainable.  I am not sorry for the love we did share, however, because it brought the two of you into this world.  And despite the loss of our love for each other, our love for you has never wavered, nor will it ever.  I believe you know this in the very deepest, darkest corners of your hearts and minds, and I believe that is why you are unafraid to love and express love yourselves.

I am here, as your mother, to offer many things.  I do my best on all counts, and I hope you can feel that always.  Every day you show me things about life, love and myself, that I am so grateful I am present enough to see.  And I am sorry for all the lessons which have gone unnoticed, due to my preoccupation with less important things.

What am I showing you about love?  Surely you see happiness and strength on a daily basis through my love and your father's love for you.  But what about romantic love?  "Grown-up" love.  I don't know how much you should see and understand at your ages.  I am uncertain what you are internalizing and what is going over your head.  I am not always sure what I am even doing, what is right and what is wrong.

A common question, when one first begins to dabble in this arena, is "How do I know it's love?".  And I will represent to you that if you have to ask that question, it is not love.  When you are in love, every cell in your body trembles with it.  Every thought in your head screams it.  Every second of every minute of every hour of every day is saturated with it.   

There are, however, different types of love.  And, just to confuse things further, different stages of love.  I will address these items with more specificity at a later date.  Tonight, I am about ready for bed, and just want to release these last couple thoughts.

The biggest reason your father and I split-up is because I wanted you to always have what love should be as your example of romantic love, not what it shouldn't be.  I never subscribed to the "do as I say not as I do" mentality.  Yes, I was unhappy, but I am able to withstand personal unhappiness for the greater good.  But thinking of you, in the future, persisting in a relationship where you were unhappy because that was how I showed you to live, that motivated me to let go.

I have more to say but I am falling asleep.  I took you to the sprinkler park to tire YOU out, but it seems I tired myself out as well.  I will succumb to sleep before it abandons me.  I will complete my letter and thoughts a bit later, I hope.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Ab's First Tournament

Today was Ab's first tournament.  Here is a link to the videos he posted on his blog.

I have the honor of posting the photos.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a regular camera and my blackberry camera isn't so good, but it's better than having none at all.

This was before the tournament.  I couldn't for the life of me get him to smile for a picture.

Start of Match 1, Round 1

Not so happy about 3rd Place.  Still no smiles.

1st Place felt a little better.  Finally caught a smile.

Samurai documented the event as well.  But we're not really sure if/when the film (yes, film) will be developed.

Two metals in, he's definitely all smiles now.

And 2nd Place in no gi match.  Now his collection is complete, one of each.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Who am I?

I am a wanderer of paths
I am a taker of chances
I am a climber of trees
I am a swinger of branches

I am a jumper of cliffs
I am a hiker of mountains
I am a swimmer of oceans
I am a wisher of fountains

I am a dreamer of dreams
I am a lover of love
I am a dancer of dances
I am all of the above

I am a force to be reckoned with
On days like today
When I've cast aside fear
And embraced the Way

I only want to walk right now
I have no need to run
I want to enjoy every step of this path
And bask in the glorious sun

And when the clouds are dark and gray
When the rains are sent my way

I will rejoice and dance in the deluge
For in the depths of my heart I know
I will always have shelter from the storm
Should I ever choose to take refuge

Good Morning!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Dear Sleep,

You are evading me tonight.  I don't know why, what have I done to you?  Is this punishment for all those nights I chose to leave you in someone else's arms.  I'm sorry, I was young.  I didn't understand how important you would become in my life.  I'm sorry for taking you for granted for so many years.

Please, will you come back to me?  Tonight perhaps?  Just for a little while?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What comes to mind

This morning my musical and mental meanderings take me back in time just a few years to this song:

And this old poem:

Writing myself happy

As I sit
As I stare
As my office
Morphs into my lair
As my professional
And I feel
A little
Not in a
But in a

In a way
Which makes me feel
I would like
To rip flesh
From bones
With my teeth
And roll naked
In mud puddles
And undulate
In the pouring rain
To the sound
Of thunder
Of lightening
My stagnant mind

I would like
To climb trees
And swing from branches
And take chances
Which will set me free

I would like to
The earth
And be
By fire
Then ride
The wind
To my

I would like
To crack my skull
After jumping
Off a cliff
And feel
My medulla oblongata
Separate from my spinal cord
Creating a cessation of feeling
Between my brain
And my body

But here comes
My professional self
To stymy
My imaginings
And I
Will have
To go
Do work

Friday, June 3, 2011

Abacus Levels Up

Yesterday we stopped at the park on the way home.  Abacus disappeared for a while so I went looking for him.  This is what I found...

I did not disturb him.  About 20 minutes later he comes over to me.  He informs me that "I just leveled-up on my meditation.  Now I have to complete level two, which will take about 2,400 hours."  He then proceeds to level two...

In case you're wondering, he has about 2,399.75 hours left until level 3.

Friday afternoon sounds like this...

Thursday, June 2, 2011


An old song I've always loved...

And an old poem of mine...

 Slanted Eyes

You look at me
Through slanted eyes
As you surmise
Presume to know
All I choose to show
Is not just my disguise
But I am more
Than what you see
Knowledge is key
Locked inside the box of prejudice
To be opened by understanding
Which you swept under the carpet of arrogance
And left out on the landing
For you to wipe your feet upon
And then walk on
Walk past
To a whole world of things
That never last
More than a minute
A minute that is not always sixty seconds
But it counted
If you count it
You can slow it down
But discount it
And the truth is found
Time flies
Like society lies
And you look at me with slanted eyes

And yes, my eyes are slanted too
But nature slanted mine
Not my absence of mind
Power beyond me
What you allow yourself to be
Limits what you see
And yes, my eyes are slanted too
But my mind is open wide

Wider than your mouth at birth
When you came screaming out onto this earth
Sliding into the doctor's hands
So he could fasten yours with bands
That tell you who you are
Where you belong
Who's your rightful mom
Rightful mom?
Mom with rights
Birth may have taken her to new heights
But still she fights
To keep a roof over her own head
So to ensure you will be fed
She sold her rights
Never to turn on the lights
So your darkest nights
Are spent alone
In a new home
Groping for a comfort zone
In your seclusion
Mounting confusing
Impending delusion
Mental contusion
Rejection of an entire nation...

Oh wait, that's me
Life through my slanted eyes
Now there's a hole in my disguise
I've been fed more than enough lies
To fill the hole
But the whole truth
And nothing but the truth
Is what I seek
And what I speak

You look down from the hightest peak
And no longer see the landing
The landing with the carpet
Under which you swept the understanding
Which would open the box
To release the key
So knowledge is not only lost
But not even sought
Because you won't come down
Long enough for it to be found

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I don't want
To teach my children
How to look at things
I want
To show them
How to see

I don't want
To instruct my children
On how to live
I want
To set them free
So they can Be

I don't want them to be hurt
Or sad
In pain
Or in trouble
But how else does one learn healing
If they never hurt
How do you truly feel happiness
If you've never been sad
How can you appreciate wellness
If you've known no ailment
And who can decide to be good
When you've never felt what it is to be bad

I don't want
My children to know
Some ideal projection of myself
I want them to know
The real me
That's not to say
I don't strive to give them my best
The difference is
I don't hide my worst

The future
I never thought I had
I never thought I wanted
Is in my children
And everything they take away
From knowing me
I want it to be real