Thursday, November 29, 2012

Suffering

I believe that life has a purpose, and as such, all things in life have a purpose.  Therefore, there is a purpose for the suffering that we encounter in our lives.  There are schools of thought which say that suffering is the point of life.  I do not believe this.  I believe that, largely, people choose to suffer.  This is not meant in a bad way.  I often choose to suffer so that others will not suffer.  In my last relationship, I chose to suffer so that the one I loved would not suffer.  It seemed that what I had to endure to remain in that relationship was worth the happiness and contentment I brought to the man I loved.  It seemed that the suffering his wife, family and friends would endure in the short term would be balanced by the beauty and strength of the love we were growing and would give back to them all in the long term.  I was very wrong.  For this misjudgment I endured great personal suffering.  Honestly, it was the greatest I have ever known.  But that experience created something truly amazing and a pathway which could only lead me to an end to my personal suffering through spiritual enlightenment.

Of course I am not saying that I have attained enlightenment.  I would never say that.  But I will say that where I am now is an incredibly light and beautiful place.  I have lived the rest of my life in comparative darkness.  I will say that I see the purpose in all of the pain and all of the suffering I endured and I see now where I caused others to suffer when I should not have.  I am truly and deeply sorry, and always will be, for the suffering I have caused.

Sometimes we suffer so that others will not suffer, but the choice doesn't seem to be ours.  Now the father of my baby is suffering, and I know this without having spoken to him in months.  But he suffers so that his wife will suffer less, so that I will not suffer and so that his baby will not suffer.  I see this and I am thankful.  His thoughts toward me have turned dark and ugly, but I am undaunted by this.  He could be making our lives miserable by continuing to repeatedly and forcefully knock me out of balance but whether it is hatred or understanding, he has ceased to do this and I am so grateful.  Perhaps someday his perspective will change and the hate will be replaced with understanding.  I am hopeful this day will come to pass but not attached to the idea being realized for any purpose other than that I don't want him to suffer so much.

Having had the time and space to practice balance and become more and more grounded in my new found spirituality I will be ready sooner to take a more active role in alleviating some of the suffering he is experiencing.  I am hopeful that he will be ready as well.  It is not my choice to cause others pain, but I will not sacrifice a major heartache for a minor one.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Quote of the Day

"Corruption of the best is the worst."

"Corruptio optimi pessima"

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Dear Nexen,


When my arms feel tired
Because you need to be held
A little longer than usual
And you finally fall asleep
Enough for me to put you down
I marvel
At how empty
My arms feel
Without you in them
And I remember
How quickly
These days will pass
And you will barely
Need me to hold you
At all
And when you wake-up
And ask to be held again
I forget
That my arms were ever tired

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sorry

I wish
I could be sorry
Until
It all
Went away
And we
Could go back
To the way
We once were

I wish
I could repent
Until
You forgave me
And I
Could know you
Once more

I wish
I had nothing
To even
Be sorry
About

But here we are
And my heart breaks
Again and again
When I think of you
And what I did

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

You don't care
And it means nothing
To you
But it means
Everything
To me
That I am sorry
Because it reminds me
Of how much
I love you

Morning

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Reflections

You broke me
Into a million pieces
So stealthily
I didn't even know
Until I tried
To touch
The truth
And found
My reality
Was a reflection
You constructed
Just for me
To see

When I touched
The truth
The image
Rippled away
And I saw
All that was underneath
And it was ugly

The thing is
I know myself
And my strength
So I reassembled
Those million pieces
And in the process
Of putting myself
Back together
I found
I am stronger
With my new
Pieces of you
I needed
To become
Whole
Again

And now
Here I am
Today
Wholly new
Newly whole

But I
Admit
I have
My weaknesses
And so
I must
Stay away
From you
Lest
I break apart
Again

< / 3

Thanks

I am not so naive
As to think
No one
Has ever loved
Like this
Before

I am not
So naive
As to think
No one
Has ever
Been hurt
Like this
Before

This fact
Does not
Invalidate
What I am going through
Quite
The opposite
In fact

Throughout history
The pain
The suffering
Of humankind
Has been a bridge
To connect
Our souls, bodies and minds

In my pain
Desperation
Isolation
I do the one thing
I would never do
Otherwise

I reach out
I connect
And I find
Myself
Inspired
By the beauty
Of my friends
And family

I find
Myself
In awe
Of all
That surrounds me

I may not
Be saying
Thank you
To him
But I do
Say thank you
To the universe
For its bounty
And the opportunity
To see
And the humility
To accept
And the people
Whose love
Is so true
And unconditional

Thank you


Morning Muse-ic

Monday, August 27, 2012

Dear Nexen,

There is a quiet beauty in your existence, I have come to know this as Truth.  When you smile at me, I see a hundred colors so magnificent, which I have never seen before.  When you laugh, it as if I am being hugged by a rainbow and I find myself standing in a pot of gold.  When you sleep, I feel the peace of a thousand deep breaths, taken all once.  When you talk to me, I listen so intently, because your wisdom shines in your eyes.

Please know that every moment I am thinking of you and what is best for you and your sister and brother.  I am trying to feel my way through the most difficult situation of my life and my heart struggles between the desire to trust and love and the deep, deep burning pain of my last experience with trust and love.  And to make it even more complicated, it is all tied up together in an ugly, ugly package.

I am doing everything I can to make things right in our world.  And by doing that, I am honoring and respecting everyone else's world as well.  I am tired of making messes.  I am tired of not seeing.  I am tired of acting without considering everyone involved.  I am finished with being selfish.

There are people who do not understand what I am doing or why I am doing it.  These people are held captive by their immediate selfish desires and inability to see the big picture.  These people will hold my actions against me possibly for their entire lives.  I cannot be concerned with these things.  I will protect the Truth.  I will not allow the colors in your smile to be dimmed.  I will not allow the world to take away your laughter.  I will not be the cause of your inability to sleep peacefully.  I will not tarnish your innate wisdom with lies.

I will always be true to you and do what I feel is best, in the present, to preserve, protect and provide the greatest future.  I admit to certain weaknesses and I assure you that I work every day to guard against them and be the mother you need to grow into all of the amazing human potential you hold inside.  The amazing human I held inside and now hold, adoringly, in my arms.  I could never do anything to cause you harm and I promise you my decisions are not being made lightly.

The path I am taking is one of love and light.  I am not trespassing in a land of vengeance or tiptoeing around truths.  I am not shirking responsibility and playing games with the flawless and perfect hearts of my children.  I am not thoughtlessly and callously holding you hostage from some bright and beautiful world of love and acceptance.  I am protecting you, myself, Abacus and Samurai from those who have proven themselves untrustworthy.  Every moment, of every day, I pray to be shown the way.  My heart beats in rhythm with yours, to the tune of truth, to the melody of love, to the cadence of compassion.  As long as my heart shall beat, we shall dance together to this beautiful music, it is rapture, and together we live it.

Love,
Mama


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hurt

I remind myself
The pain is temporary
I remind myself
It will get easier with time
I remind myself
Again and again
Just as I try to forget

Maybe not forget
But keep you in your place
Which is in the past
That stronghold of happy memories
Tainted by time
And an alternate reality
Truer than the one that was in my head

I hurt today
Because of him
And him too
And they don't understand
Because they never loved me
The way that I love them

So all of my feelings
Emotions
Are incomprehensible to them
Superfluous, even
It doesn't matter
What I say
They just come around
Whenever they feel
Regardless
Of how it impacts my day

With him
I couldn't let go
It was my own fault
I just kept trying
To make things work
A different way
When there was only one truth
And that is I love him
And would do anything for him
And it's impossible
To be friends with someone
When that
Is how you truly feel

In the end
I was so hurt
I contemplated
My own end
Seriously
It was the only time
I ever went quite so far
With those sorts of thoughts

That hurt
Has faded
But my feelings
Never did
And so
Again
I ask
Please
Just stay away

Then with him
It was just madness
An entire
False reality
Culminating
In a very real
Very tragic
Consequence

Even though
The face of tragedy
Is perfect
And adorable
Its weight
Is nearly impossible
For me to carry
It takes everything
Absolutely every last reserve
To make my life work
Right now

Yet he reads my strength
As some sort of vengeance
And attacks me
With his demands
Instead of listening
And realizing
Everyone could get along
So much easier
If he could put others before him
For once


I remind myself
The pain is temporary
I remind myself
It will get easier with time
I remind myself
Again and again
I pray that I can forg(iv)et


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Puzzle Parable

I started a correspondence writing course in 1996.  I am on Assignment 5.  I would complete an assignment, and then promptly disappear for a few years.  Somehow, the school would find me (even when my family couldn't) and it would always be at a time when I felt I could (and needed to) revisit that part of me that wanted to take and complete the course.

I have always loved puzzles.  Recently Samurai and to a lesser extent Abacus have taken an interest in completing puzzles with me.  They love the 50 piece ones because they are easily solvable within their attention span.  Samurai will stick it out through the 100 piece ones and with 250 pieces she is happy to do the framing (edge pieces) and then wander off during the middle but excitedly come back to help complete the final stages.

When I was young I used to do a lot of 500-1000 piece puzzles.  I would often complete the same puzzles over and over again.  Samurai and I started a 500 piece puzzle but it was too difficult for her and she lost all interest once we completed the framing.  It is, indeed, a difficult puzzle.  I have been sticking with it over the past week or so, finding a few pieces here and there amid the hustle and bustle of my daily life.

This morning I thought Nexen was going to be awake for a while so I got-up to start my day only to find he had fallen back asleep.  So I sat with him as Samurai and Abacus slept upstairs (yesterday morning I was admonished by Abacus, "If you wake me up and I don't get my morning sleep I'm going to be grumpy all day and it's going to be your fault.") and I worked on the puzzle.  I had become frustrated with it over the past few days as it would take such a long time just to find a single piece that fit and I was starting to feel discouraged by it.  But this morning a lot of pieces started to fall into place quickly.  And I began to think...

The children get discouraged by the puzzles with the large piece count because it is very hard to visualize them all fitting together and making the picture on the box.  Even I, knowing it will all fit together in the end, find myself feeling as though it's impossible at times.  As you are piecing things together you may go back to the same piece, over and over, just knowing it will fit right here...somewhere...but there are a few pieces you have to find first in order for it to fit.  Some pieces seem so much like they are a perfect fit but no, they are just the tiniest bit off and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot make it work in that particular place.

This moment of reflection, combined with some sage advice from my dear friend Ibby ("Your brain is only designed to handle two problems at a time.  You are trying to make decisions based on future circumstances which are impossible to even know or understand at this point.  Just ask if you can handle _____ right now.  That's the only problem you need to worry about right now."), made me realize that I know what the picture on the box of my life looks like.  It's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen.  It's full of light and love and all the right people in all the right places.  It is filled with happiness and joy.  

It seems impossible at times that this picture will ever come together, based on the pieces that I thought fit but never did, in the place that I thought.  I would get lost in the darkness of the shadows and forget that so much of the picture is filled with beauty and brightness.  But today I realized that as long as I keep trying, I will complete more and more of that beautiful picture.  I realized that sometimes, it will even be easy.  I realized that it's okay that I can't find a way to fit some of the pieces yet, even though they are very important.  Eventually, I will have completed enough that I will be able to fit those important pieces into the puzzle.  I just need to keep working on it.

I haven't given-up on my little 500 piece puzzle.  And it is, in fact, getting a little easier.  I will not give-up on the puzzle that is my life.  And maybe, this is the beginning of it getting a little easier.  

Oh yes, as for the writing course.  The end result of the course is supposedly a work ready for publication.  When I think of the fact that I am supposed to write a piece for publication, it terrifies me.  I lose sight of the fact I just need to take one step at a time and feel that completing the course is impossible.  Taking still another lesson away from this morning's puzzle work, I'm going to complete Assignment 5.  

Monday, August 6, 2012

One for my Parents


The Beauty of Love

A man sees a woman
A woman, sees a man
They converse, laugh
Become curious
About each other
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man calls a woman
A woman, calls a man
They are nervous, happy
They make a date
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man comes to know a woman
A woman, comes to know a man
They exchange I love you’s
For the first of many, many times
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man wants to marry a woman
A woman, wants to marry a man
They become engaged
And exchange vows
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man and a woman
Want to start a family
They adopt two sisters
And are surprised with a third baby girl
Could this be
The beauty of love
  
A man and a woman
Raise three daughters
Allowing each
To follow their own path
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man and a woman
Look upon each other lovingly
As the years pass
And each new hardship
Makes their love stronger
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man and a woman
Count all the Anniversaries
They celebrated together
And they number forty
But they look into each other’s eyes
And see only that young bride and groom
Could this be
The beauty of love

A man and woman
Look around them
And see their three daughters
And their four grandchildren
And their beloved family members
Gathered together
To celebrate a love everlasting
And everyone present can see
This
Is the beauty of love

Friday, July 27, 2012

Silenced

It's not as though
I've had nothing to say
It's not even
Because I've been too busy
It's just that
Sometimes
Tears speak louder than words
And I couldn't hear my thoughts
Over the sound
Of my broken heart
And still
It's not so easy
To hear myself think
Over the noise
Because each time
I look into my baby's eyes
Each time
I hold him in my arms
Each time
I let my guard down
Just a little bit
My heart swells
And breaks
All
Over
Again

It is only love
Which keeps me going
It is only love
Which keeps tearing me apart
It is only love
It is only love
It is lonely, love
It is love, only

Mood in Music

Thirty-Six








Friday, May 25, 2012

Dear Nexen,

Just three weeks ago you were curled up inside of me, sleeping to the rhythm of my heartbeat.  Today as you lay curled upon my chest, sleeping to the rhythm of my heartbeat, I am in awe of us, and all we have come through to get here. 

Most people's birth story begins with, "Mommy and Daddy loved each other, and from that love, you were conceived."  I am so sorry this is not how your story began.  I just pray that all my suffering imbues me with the strength and insight to teach you and your brother and sister to navigate your life without ever falling victim to this particular brand of heartache.

Our path together so far has been the most difficult one which I have ever chosen.  This is saying a lot, because your old Mama never takes the easy road.  You will come to know this path is the only one in my life I wish I had not traveled.  I believe that you and I were meant to be, but I believe that you would have come to me in a more honorable way, had I behaved more honorably.  Had I chosen an alternate path.

Despite all the emotional fallout, we made it through.  And here we are, loving each other as only a mother and child can ever love each other.  Giving over everything, all our love, all our trust, all our hopes and dreams.  What we did three weeks ago today was amazing and beautiful, yet also incredibly difficult.  

There came a moment, fleeting but very real, when my inner critic told me I can't do this "on my own".  This is the moment you and I came together and connected with every woman who has ever given birth in the history of humankind and accessed the magnificent strength and knowledge that lives within every woman.  Sadly, many women in our modern society never tap into this most powerful source, or are even aware it exists.  But I digress.

Already, you have grown so much.  I am trying to keep pace and also navigate the safest and happiest path upon which continue.  I allow things which hurt me terribly in the hopes it will make your life easier in the future, but there is a limit to how much I can handle right now.   I hope, in time, you will understand all of this and understand and believe in your heart that everything I do and have done is for the sake of everyone's long term happiness.

The scariest part of all this is the knowledge that the hardest days are still ahead of us.  I try not to think about that too much more than I have to.  For now I just marvel at how much you grow and change every single day.  I just hold you and love you and keep you warm and safe and happy.  I watch as your brother and sister care for and adore you.  And I am thankful for all that I have in my life.  The good which I cherish and the bad from which I learn.

I love you today and every day,
Mama


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sleeping Like A Baby...


Abacus wonders what his baby brother is dreaming about...

being a football star?


playing with a chicken?


being Robin Hood?


being a Superstar?

OH!  Abacus figured it out!! Nexen is dreaming of Nerf wars...







Haha, sucker!  All's fair in love and war...






"What the heck is going on around here?"

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Meredith School Spring 2012 from Penciltopia on Vimeo.

Samurai and Abacus helped make a video!

Samurai made the lion.

Abacus made the green snake.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Heavy

I am heavy
Drenched with pain
Soaked with shame
How can I even lift my head
It is so full
Of awful thoughts
Right now
I'm drowning
When I need to be sailing
I'm falling
When I need to be flying
I'm dying
When I need to be making new life
And it's so
Fucking
Hard
Right now

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Goodbye Today

I am afraid
I am afraid to admit I am afraid
Does saying I'm afraid
Bring unspoken fears
To life

In the darkness I weep
For a life with a little more comfort
And a little less cold
With a little more truth
And a little less pain

I seek solace
Emptiness
A place to rest my head in peace
My body in love
My heart in trust

Alas
There is no place such as this
Which I can see
Except
In the very heart of me

So here I am again
Comforting myself
Crying myself to sleep
Telling myself
Everything is going to be okay

And I know it will
Ultimately
Tomorrow is another day
Today
Today was just hard
That's all

Because not all days are created equal...

From darkness
Into golden light
Your beauty
Breaks down walls
Your strength
Inspires others
To take flight

I am no stranger
To the sleepless night
I am no stranger
To the tragic plight
Of a life of traveling
The road not taken

However close
We ever were
Was never close enough
For me to truly see
Until recently

However far
We ever go
Will never be far enough
For me to forget

As our lives
Cycle
In and out of darkness
Daring us
To be our own
Door to bright
I turn to you
My baby sister
And bask in the love
That sets your soul alight

Thank you
For sharing your love
Your time
Your thoughts
Your insight

Thank you
For sharing your world
And teaching me
A thing or two
About doing more
Than merely surviving
But taking a life of hardship
And being brave enough
To come out thriving

I hurt
As you hurt
I cry
As you cry
I grieve
As you grieve
I love
As you love
I grow
As you grow
I shine
As you shine

The strength
We see
In each other
Is not
Mere reflection
What it is
Is love’s perfection
Sisterly protection
The sweetest confection
Our heart’s projection

When you breathe in
I am here for you
When you breathe out
I am here for you
And my heart swells
With the knowledge
You
Are there for me

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Out of Thin Air



Thoughts seem to come out of nowhere
But I feel as though
They are always there
Just like you for me
On some level
Unseen
Thank you
For thinking of me
It helped me out
Today
For here I was
Drowning in my own thoughts
And you lent me yours
And reminded me
Of another time
Another place
When life was full of light
Though not always grace
And I promise
Someday
I'll stop making fun
Of your puddle jumping
Maybe

Thursday, April 5, 2012

A Brighter Path

A compassionate heart
Does not curse the sky
For the falling rain
It sees the greater purpose
Like helping the flowers 
To bloom again

A compassionate heart
Does not cry out in pain
Screaming why and how
Over and over again
It aches to make things right
And does not seek to blame

A compassionate heart
Will always cultivate love
Without thought of personal gain
Without expectation of return
Without conditions or stipulations

A compassionate heart
Beats inside my chest
It is my brain
I need to quiet
It is my thinking
I need to change

When I listen to my heart
All that remains
Is love
And understanding
For everyone
And everything

When everyone is quiet
I hear my heart
So loud and strong
I know my path
I hear my soul's song

When everything is quiet
And I turn off my brain
I hear the most beautiful refrain
As my compassionate heart
Dances to its own beat
And I am bathed in a love
Which can suffer no defeat

I love to dance
This beat
I love to sing
This song
I love this peace of mind
Which allows me to hear it
And relish in it all

I remember when I close my mind
And fancy myself standing tall
It is merely my defensive armor
Which will hurt me when I fall
And I know I will fall
Because that inevitably happens
When I cannot see
And one can never truly see
With their mind closed

I thank the universe
For this beautiful gift
This seed of truth
I allowed to grow
And in doing so
I came to know
So many things
I never would have seen
Any other way
Like my own light shining
Through this darkest time
Like my own heart surrendering
All that was never mine
Like my own reality shattering
And breaking for all time

I will never again close my eyes to truth
I will never again stray from honor
I will never again follow a path
Which leads me through the kind of darkness
Which threatens to extinguish my light


Friday, March 30, 2012

I am the universe made alive

The world turns cold
And the darkness knows
How best to defeat me
But the darkness
Could never see
The light
Shining
Inside of me
And I exploded
Out from under
From beneath
That fucking mountain
Where I was suffocating
From love induced
Blindness
Modern day
Fairy tales
Of forever
In his arms
In his heart
And the tears start
Just as the music stops
But still my heart sings
My own salvation song
And as I love
I hurt
And as I let go
I hurt
And as I live
I hurt
But as I hurt
I heal
And as I hurt
I grow
And as I hurt
I come to know
So many things
I could not see
Hidden
Inside of me
He lit me up
Then shut me out
Then blamed me
For not being able to see
And that’s okay
I blame me too
And in the end
I forgive us both
And in the end
I will return
With love in my heart
But not in my eyes
Yet we are not near enough
To the end
So I will continue
To hide my eyes
Where the truth shines
But I will never
Allow him to see me
Like this
Now
It is not safe
Because I will never
Cross that line again
Into that land
I did not belong
Where there was no place
For someone like me
Now I see
Now I see
It is too late
But now I see
And
At last
I can be free

A Question I Should Have Asked...Over and Over Again

Someday I will give my heart away again, and to that person I will say...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Dear Samurai,

This letter comes a few days late and I apologize for that.  I am balancing a great many things right now in our life and quiet time like this does not come frequently or easily.  But here I am at last, writing your birthday letter.  Seven years and five days ago you decided it was time to enter this world.  I was blessed and privileged to have the heart, mind, spirit, strength and support to choose a home birth.  This act of love and trust in you and in myself, I feel, was hugely instrumental in growing and nurturing the beautiful, loving spirit you possess.

The moment you were conceived our lives were irreversibly interconnected.  Thank you for trusting me with your life, I cherish it as I cherish my own.  You have been one of my greatest and most important teachers.  What I have learned from you in our seven years and five days together I could have spent a lifetime trying to figure out on my own, had you not come into my life to show me the way.  What I feel for you is a love beyond description, though I have tried and will continue to try to capture it with words (it's just something I do).

I have been growing and you have been afraid.  I want you to know I will never outgrow you.  Our family will never get too big for you to have your special place.  You will always fit, perfectly, in my arms, and you will always have a peaceful resting place in my heart.  I want you to know it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to need reassurance, and I will always have more love to offer you when you need it.  Always.  My love for you is unlimited and can never be exhausted.

My wish for you this year is that your heart remain open to all we are about to welcome into our lives.  I am working relentlessly so that I can be the light that guides the way, so that there are not so many shadows or dark places to get lost inside.  I can feel myself shining a lot of the time, and so I know my hard work is paying off.  I hope you can see and feel this too.

My wish for you every day is that you feel happy and safe.  Proud of who you are and proud of our family.  You, my Samurai, are a work of heart.  Happy birthday baby.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I remember

I remember what it felt like
To think of you
And feel elation
It was a happines
I had never experienced
In quite that way
It was something
I cherished
Each and every day
But inside me
Somewhere deep
I suppose I knew
It was fleeting
Running away
Just as I was trying
To fully embrace it
Everything went
So terribly wrong
And these past months
Have been dreadfully long
And at the same time
Fleeting, still

There isn't much time left
And forgiveness
It seems impossibly far away
Because I remember

I remember being held by you
And never wanting to be let go
I remember being kissed by you
And thinking I would never know
A sensation quite the same
Never realizing
It was all some sick, cruel game

I remember being "loved" by you
And all that I thought was true
And it breaks my heart
Over
And over
And over
And over again

And the anger
Seems unending
And my heart
Needs much more mending

I thought I was so much closer than this

Music Mentality

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

(Another) Conversation with Myself

Heart:  Life hurts and I need a hug.
Body:  Don't you dare let anyone touch  you.  Look what you've done to me letting people close.
Mind:  Everyone is out to get you.  Or at the very least don't understand you.  And no one thinks you can manage this on your own.  They think you're weak and stupid and emotional.
Heart:  But life hurts, and I really need a hug.
Body:  Yeah, and I am kinda tired.  Would be nice to be held for a minute.
Mind:  Stop conspiring against me you two!  I'm telling you it's all your fault we're at this place in life and it's a horrible fucking place to be.
Heart:  What happened to you?  I thought we were opening up...
Mind:  Yeah, I thought that over and I'm too scared.
Body:  Me too.
Heart:  I believe in both of you.  We need to open up anyway, to let the baby out.  We need to practice.  And it's unhealthy to shut everyone out.
Mind:  But everyone is stupid.
Heart:  (Laughing) No, you're just thinking that about yourself and projecting.  You need to get over yourself.
Mind:  (Sheepishly) Yeah, I guess you're right.  Sorry.
Body:  My bad too guys, I know I'm making things a little crazy right now, these hormones are necessary though, you know, for the baby.
Heart and Mind:  It's okay.

(Hug)

End of conversation.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Out of My Mind

Today

I need

To get out of my mind


I have been very productive
Lately
Accomplished
A great deal
But this
Has taken me
Away
From work
I need
To do
On myself

Now
I find myself
Negative
And judgmental
Harboring
Obsessive, circular thoughts

And so
I need
To get
Out of my mind
And find my way
Back
To my body
To my authentic self

Which is not
A paragon of production
A perfect employee
Or mother
Or housecleaner
It is a person
A pregnant one, no less
Approaching her third trimester
Who
On occasion
Needs a good rest
And must learn
To not feel guilty about that

But who will do my work
If I rest?
Who will care for my children
If I rest?
Who will clean my house
If I rest?
No one.
And that's the point.
It will all be there
For you to take care of
When you're done resting
So why drive yourself
To the edge of sanity
Why not
Give yourself a break

There will always be more work
There may never be
Another chance
To simply stop
And enjoy the feeling
Of growing a life
Inside of you
To enjoy
This type of personal growth
That only devastating loss
Can inspire

I am fortunate
In a million ways
So I need to stop
Pushing myself to do more and more
And urge myself
To pause
And remember
Why I am working so hard in the first place

Monday, January 30, 2012

Tears

I have some tears inside
They want to come out
Be released
But lately
There has not been a safe place
Or time
And I feel them
Building
And occasionally
They just leak out
But I need an outpouring

What I really wish
Is that there was someone
Who could hold me
In their arms
And let me cry
Until I become empty of tears
Who would understand
That everything is okay
I am fine
I just
I just need to cry

What I really wish
Is that I could go
To my Daddy
Like when I was a little girl
And sit in his lap
And tell him my troubles
And cry away my sorrows
And have him wipe my tears
When I am through
And tell me
Everything will be okay

But those safe harbors
No longer exist for me
I don't trust
Any grownup
Enough to let them hold me
Or enough to believe them
If they were to tell me
Everything will be okay

The only person
I can truly trust
Is me
And I've been holding myself
And comforting myself
All these months
And I'm tired

I just wish
For one moment
Someone else
Could be strong for me
So I could let go of these tears

Samurai
Just wants to be my baby
She's so afraid
Of all the coming change
But
I have a secret
I haven't told her
I just want
To be someone's baby
Too

Friday, January 27, 2012

Here Inside

Here inside this dream
I'm living as my life
The shadows dance around the truth
Polluting the corners of my mind
I need to find that light
From which they cannot hide
I need to find that love
To eternally reside

I walk the streets alone
(Although sometimes I am beside myself)
Yet I breathe in air for two
And I know that children are the greatest wealth

I believed once in a man
And it was a foolish thing to do
For that man captured a heart
To which he could not be true

Every step I take
I feel more and more alive
Every breath I breathe
I pray for the pain to subside
And the universe answers me back
Mockingly
Love him less
And you will be free

If you do not love him
He can no longer harm you
Then  you can forgive
And live with peace in your heart

And so my poor heart weeps
And works to gain control
Of this love that spread
From heart to mind
To body
To this new soul

To extinguish
To forgive
To let go
To cease to live

I look up at the buildings
Their beautiful lines
These structures built
By us
For us
With walls
Keeping secrets
Eternally

Will I ever know a man
Who can see the truth in my words
The reality in my heart
And be strong enough
To accept
And reciprocate
This love I have to give

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Forgiveness

Lately I have been obsessing about forgiveness.  What exactly does it mean?  What exactly does it entail?  If I forgive someone, am I expected to pretend as though I was never hurt?  If I forgive someone, does that mean I will no longer feel that pain?  If I forgive someone, doesn't it just open me up to be hurt all over again?  

I googled forgiveness and read the Wikipedia entry:

"In Judaism, if a person causes harm, but then sincerely and honestly apologizes to the wronged individual and tries to rectify the wrong, the wronged individual is religiously required to grant forgiveness."   

"In Judaism, one must go to those he has harmed in order to be entitled to forgiveness.[12] [One who sincerely apologizes three times for a wrong committed against another has fulfilled his or her obligation to seek forgiveness. (Shulchan Aruch) OC 606:1] This means that in Judaism a person cannot obtain forgiveness from God for wrongs the person has done to other people."

Being Jewish, these were most interesting to me (though didn't particularly resonate, more like they were interesting as idea artifacts from an ancient world).  I read through the passages on forgiveness from the other listed religions and theories too.  Nothing really made me go, "Ah ha!"
I do however, like this little bit...

"Yoga teachers Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad analyse the use of unconditional love and the associated concept of forgiveness as a foundation for authoritarian control.[33] They survey a number of religions worldwide and conclude that the imperative of forgiveness is often used by leaders to perpetrate cycles of ongoing abuse. They state that "to forgive without requiring the other to change is not only self-destructive, but ensures a dysfunctional relationship will remain so by continually rewarding mistreatment."

Feeling unfilled by my Google search, I looked for books.  I am anxious to read more about it.  
But on the walk to work this morning, I did have something of an "ah ha" moment.  I was thinking about how much I love the spiritual teachings of Aikido.  And how difficult it is, by comparison, in this beginning stage, for me to put everything together in practice.  I know why, because it's new, and I have to think about everything I do, every stance, every ukemi, I have to think about proper form and where all my body parts are supposed to be.  But with practice, I know I won't have to think about it anymore.  It will be second nature to me.  It will just flow. 

And then I thought, well isn't that just what forgiveness should be?  I love the idea of forgiveness, the concept.  I want to live my life saying, it's okay that you made a mistake, it's okay that you hurt me this way, everything will be okay.  But the fact of the matter is, it's new to me.  All this pain I feel, it is so bad because the foundation is so huge.  It is a lifetime of me never forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made, and allowing that pain and resentment and hurt to guide me through fear and avoidance and all those other character defects which have left me off at this place in my life.  It is a lifetime of me never forgiving others for hurting me.

I am a beginner with this forgiveness thing.  I started by forgiving myself for mistakes I have made.  Allowing room for me to be imperfect and human and not judge myself so harshly and deem myself unworthy of happiness for the duration of my life for the sins of my past.  I would never in a million years sentence another human to the punishments with which I sentence myself.  I have to remember to forgive myself constantly.  I need a lot of practice.  But I am working very hard at this new concept.

Next, I need to begin to forgive others.  And although I have not read any of my forgiveness books yet, I have an idea of how to start.  I start inside.  Every time the pain comes up, I will very carefully, very consciously, say to myself, I forgive him, and then I will work to release the pain.  And when it comes again (because I know it will, for a long time to come), I will do it again.  I will practice this again and again until it is second nature.  Until forgiveness flows through my mind and my heart and my soul.

And then, then I will be ready to face him.  I will be ready to look at him and say, I forgive you.  

But for now, it takes everything I have just to practice.  And I just hope he will find it in himself to start being respectful, and leave me alone so that I may practice.  It would be a shame to turn from this beautiful path out of anger and frustration and hopelessness, which is how I feel each time he contacts me even though I ask and have asked him again and again for only one thing, to leave me alone to heal.  Each time he reaches out I feel angry, all over again.  And frustrated, all over again.  And hopeless, like this pain will never end, like it will never find its way out of my mind and body and soul.  Every moment he is out of my life I feel closer to freedom, every time he reaches out to me I feel as if I'm being slammed back into a cage and I have to start all over again on my passage to freedom.  

In reality, I have been asking since June for him to let me go, to set me free.  But he swore to me I'd be happy in my cage.  He promised me we'd fly together someday, I just had to wait patiently, in my cage.  Then he covered my cage with a blanket of lies, so that I would feel warm and safe.  But I am not so simple that I will see the darkness and just assume it's night and sleep soundly.  I was, however, so trusting that I waited patiently for a lot longer than I should have, never realizing it was all a charade.

Um, good morning tangent.  Sorry, I was talking about forgiveness.  Maybe that was me trying to release a little of the pain.  Maybe that was a step on my path to forgiveness.  I will be optimistic and say that's exactly what it was.  I forgive you for not letting me go in time.  I forgive myself for not just flying away.  I forgive you.  I forgive me.  I forgive you.  I forgive Mee.

It still hurts, but perhaps a little less.  I will keep practicing.  You, you just stay away.   



Monday, January 16, 2012

Thoughts

My thoughts wanted to flow
Like poetry
But the constraint
Of the images
Stifled the thoughts
And so I will just air them
Free and clear
To take whatever form they please

The past is unchangeable
The future, unpredictable
It is only the present
This present
That we can change
Own
Devote
Create
Establish
Fix
Build


This moment
I am present
I am loving
I am forgiving
I am understanding
I am righteous
And for each and every moment
I remain so
My past
Becomes more beautiful
My future
Becomes more hopeful
And my present
Remains a present
I share with all I love
And I strive
To love
All



Zelda's!

Quite unexpectedly, I made it to another Zelda's.  It was one of those days which started off in one direction, and ended in another state entirely.  I can't help but feel it was just meant to be like that.  I brought my children with me but they were not so into the writing assignment.  They participated and all, but it's clear they need a few more workshops.  I am happy that they were there, however, and got to meet some beautiful people who have been very important to me over the years and be a part of the workings of some of the most beautiful minds I know.

We did a word list poem.  Cousin Jodi supplied the theme, "Kids".  Our word list was as follows:

beginnings
cousins
growth
abacus
unspoiled
surplus
pigs
absence
exploration
truth telling
unfiltered
candy
unfettered
cruel
caboose
love

This is my poem:

In the beginning
There was love
Unfettered
Unfiltered
Unspoiled
It was the exploration
Of an entirely new world for me
Sweet like candy
His absence
Left holes like cavities

In the end
The truth was told
Cruel
And cold
Perhaps love and hate
Are cousins
Family
Or perhaps
All men are pigs

Either way
This love train
Ran me over
Crushed my heart
And parked its caboose
In my soul

Lucky for me
I've come to recognize
Endings
As beginnings
Pain
As growth
And children
As another chance to live

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Liars

So I'm not really sure what I dreamed about, but I woke-up to a personal revelation.  Recently I was lied to in the most devastating way I could possibly conceive of.  As a matter of fact, I couldn't conceive of it and even now I have difficulty believing that this has happened to me, but here I am caught in a reality where I feel like a mountain has crashed down on top of me and to come back to where I once lived I first have to dig and crawl and climb out from underneath and then begin the perilous climb.  Not to mention the process of mending all that was broken in the devastation.

Anyway, in the aftermath I was repeatedly called, "delusional".  I was informed by multiple people, mostly by The Liar and those close to him, that I was, in fact, delusional during the course of our relationship.  That it wasn't only his fault for lying to me, it was also my fault for not seeing what was obvious to everyone else.

So this morning's revelation deals with this idea.  I woke-up suddenly understanding that I have been lied to my entire life.  When I was a child, and in a position to learn to trust myself and all these intuitions everyone says I should have but that I lack, this is when I learned to trust what other people say and how other people tell me they feel over what this "intuition" tells me.  My parents lied to me.  Not malicious, deceitful, hurtful things.  But they lied to me to "protect" me from unpleasant things.  They never believed I had the strength to deal with hardship, and so I have spent the rest of my life, in essence, proving that I can.  It's funny how their "protection" led me to life of dealing with so many things I never would have had to deal with had they never lied to me.  (Not blaming, I love my parents and understand they did the best they could, the best they knew how.  Just realizing is all.)

What happened was that when bad things would happen, they pretended that they weren't.  So that negative energy, sadness, whatever it was I was feeling from them, my parents, the people I trusted most in the entire world, told me it wasn't there.  Everything was fine, happy, wonderful.  Everything was always okay.  This taught me I can't trust my own instincts.  That what I felt was wrong.  That reality is what other people tell me it is.  There is no other way to reconcile this dilemma at a young age.  Either your parents are right and you are wrong, or your parents are lying and you are right.  Let me tell you there are not many children (any?) strong enough to believe in themselves over their parents at a young age.  

I was taught if I love someone, I should believe in them and that what they say is real because that is more real than the feelings I have inside, than the energy I am receiving.  I have spent the entire rest of my life being deceived by people.  Finally, at 35, I am awake.  Finally I am learning to trust myself, my instincts, what my body and the energy of universe tells me is real and right and true.  

This revelation has filled me with great satisfaction about my maternal instincts.  I have always been very careful not to lie to my children.  If I am sad I admit that I am, if I am tired or angry or sick, I let them know that I am and to the extent it is appropriate, I explain why.  I have always been this way without even realizing how important it is in the development of their psyche and character.  

My method of parenting has always been completely opposite from the way I live my own life.  I parent from the heart and entirely by instinct.  If something feels right to me then I do it.  If something does not, I don't, even if the majority of society tells me I should or shouldn't.  I believe this has served me very well so far.  From the births themselves to these first few years of parenting, I feel that given all the hardship I have done very well.  I am very, very proud of my children.  Of course there are always improvements that I can make and I am always, always seeking to make them.  But parenting is one of the only things in my life I am strong enough to do without confusion or regard for what everyone else tells me to do.  If I feel it is wrong I don't do it.  Period.

This is a mentality that absolutely can and will be applied to the rest of my life.  Realizing that my instincts and my feelings are NOT wrong or less valid than other people's is a GIANT LEAP for me.  In my latest failure of a relationship (but is it really a failure if I learned and ultimately gained so much?), I gave all of my power over to The Liar.  I never should have done that.  I believed that love was about sacrifice.  About compromising oneself and one's own personal happiness to "prove" the sincerity and depth of my love.  Guys have really loved that about me.  The selfish, narcissistic ones really get to have their cake and eat it too.  I'm finished with that mentality.  

I'm not cured of the way I've spent 35 years of my life thinking and feeling.  But realizing that it has been wrong and can be made right has been a huge burden lifted from my psyche.  I have not even started climbing the mountain yet.  I am still struggling underneath, trying to find my way out.  But I can see the light up ahead, and I feel the warmth of the sun which I am excited about and working tirelessly to feel on my face again.