Thursday, November 29, 2012


I believe that life has a purpose, and as such, all things in life have a purpose.  Therefore, there is a purpose for the suffering that we encounter in our lives.  There are schools of thought which say that suffering is the point of life.  I do not believe this.  I believe that, largely, people choose to suffer.  This is not meant in a bad way.  I often choose to suffer so that others will not suffer.  In my last relationship, I chose to suffer so that the one I loved would not suffer.  It seemed that what I had to endure to remain in that relationship was worth the happiness and contentment I brought to the man I loved.  It seemed that the suffering his wife, family and friends would endure in the short term would be balanced by the beauty and strength of the love we were growing and would give back to them all in the long term.  I was very wrong.  For this misjudgment I endured great personal suffering.  Honestly, it was the greatest I have ever known.  But that experience created something truly amazing and a pathway which could only lead me to an end to my personal suffering through spiritual enlightenment.

Of course I am not saying that I have attained enlightenment.  I would never say that.  But I will say that where I am now is an incredibly light and beautiful place.  I have lived the rest of my life in comparative darkness.  I will say that I see the purpose in all of the pain and all of the suffering I endured and I see now where I caused others to suffer when I should not have.  I am truly and deeply sorry, and always will be, for the suffering I have caused.

Sometimes we suffer so that others will not suffer, but the choice doesn't seem to be ours.  Now the father of my baby is suffering, and I know this without having spoken to him in months.  But he suffers so that his wife will suffer less, so that I will not suffer and so that his baby will not suffer.  I see this and I am thankful.  His thoughts toward me have turned dark and ugly, but I am undaunted by this.  He could be making our lives miserable by continuing to repeatedly and forcefully knock me out of balance but whether it is hatred or understanding, he has ceased to do this and I am so grateful.  Perhaps someday his perspective will change and the hate will be replaced with understanding.  I am hopeful this day will come to pass but not attached to the idea being realized for any purpose other than that I don't want him to suffer so much.

Having had the time and space to practice balance and become more and more grounded in my new found spirituality I will be ready sooner to take a more active role in alleviating some of the suffering he is experiencing.  I am hopeful that he will be ready as well.  It is not my choice to cause others pain, but I will not sacrifice a major heartache for a minor one.