tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60650139188231852152024-03-13T14:18:38.787-04:00do you feel what i feel?Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.comBlogger607125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-20486809817568077362023-10-19T21:27:00.003-04:002023-10-19T21:27:16.199-04:00Some Nights<div style="text-align: left;">I find myself<br />Doubled over<br />Asking to be saved<br />Or forgiven</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I ask</div><div style="text-align: left;">To be set free</div><div style="text-align: left;">Even as</div><div style="text-align: left;">I have no idea</div><div style="text-align: left;">What that means</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I beg angels</div><div style="text-align: left;">To let me go</div><div style="text-align: left;">Because I know</div><div style="text-align: left;">They've been saving me</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I ask gods</div><div style="text-align: left;">To pass judgment</div><div style="text-align: left;">Because I know</div><div style="text-align: left;">They've been letting me slide</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And even as</div><div style="text-align: left;">Friends</div><div style="text-align: left;">My angels</div><div style="text-align: left;">Let me go</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And even as</div><div style="text-align: left;">My children</div><div style="text-align: left;">Gods to me</div><div style="text-align: left;">Pass judgment</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I still know</div><div style="text-align: left;">I owe more</div><div style="text-align: left;">Than what is being asked</div><div style="text-align: left;">Of me</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And I don't </div><div style="text-align: left;">Understand</div><div style="text-align: left;">How to reconcile that</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I just have</div><div style="text-align: left;">My bleeding heart</div><div style="text-align: left;">My open mind</div><div style="text-align: left;">My curious nature</div><div style="text-align: left;">My nurturing hand</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And the world just</div><div style="text-align: left;">Shuts me out</div><div style="text-align: left;">Slices away</div><div style="text-align: left;">My desire</div><div style="text-align: left;">Such an expert</div><div style="text-align: left;">Swordsman</div><div style="text-align: left;">Is fate</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I question</div><div style="text-align: left;">My mastery</div><div style="text-align: left;">Of anything</div><div style="text-align: left;">At all</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-16007599537320010342023-06-05T03:01:00.005-04:002023-06-05T03:01:53.533-04:00Stories<div style="text-align: left;">I want to write a story that's not mine</div><div style="text-align: left;">Fantastical</div><div style="text-align: left;">Full of wonder</div><div style="text-align: left;">Characters of substance and charisma</div><div style="text-align: left;">But my story always creeps in</div><div style="text-align: left;">People I know</div><div style="text-align: left;">Myself, </div><div style="text-align: left;">That person I hardly know</div><div style="text-align: left;">Most of the time</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I want to write a story</div><div style="text-align: left;">Of someone else</div><div style="text-align: left;">But everything I write</div><div style="text-align: left;">Is still me</div><div style="text-align: left;">Somehow</div><div style="text-align: left;">No matter the subject</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Am I really that self-centered?</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-87608599795276486382023-05-31T08:45:00.001-04:002023-05-31T08:45:56.402-04:00Train Thoughts<p> I am the hand that holds my future. I’ve never gripped it tightly. Dropped it more than a few times. How will age change me? Will arthritic hands wish to grasp that which I never cared to hold, but lack the strength? Or will my hand remain open, offering my future to any passing whim?</p><p>I’m crying inside where no one can hear but me. My voice is always tinged with it if you listen close enough. My legs are strong because the tears become heavy after a lifetime of crying. Perhaps I should let them out more.</p><p><br /></p>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-78070347701021079772023-05-02T08:53:00.002-04:002023-05-02T17:12:54.685-04:00Shadow Mee<div style="text-align: left;">A moment in time<br />A moment of mine</div><div style="text-align: left;">I am stealing</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I stole a whole day</div><div style="text-align: left;">Of this weekend</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Why does it feel like theft</div><div style="text-align: left;">To claim my time for me?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Because I've given myself over</div><div style="text-align: left;">Living in my shadow form</div><div style="text-align: left;">So I don't have to feel my life</div><div style="text-align: left;">All the goodness</div><div style="text-align: left;">Slipping through my fingers</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">He called to my shadow</div><div style="text-align: left;">Beckoned her</div><div style="text-align: left;">He drank with her</div><div style="text-align: left;">Talked with her</div><div style="text-align: left;">Walked with her</div><div style="text-align: left;">But reached for me</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And I came out of my shadow</div><div style="text-align: left;">To see him</div><div style="text-align: left;">And I let him see me</div><div style="text-align: left;">A little, anyway</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And he makes me question</div><div style="text-align: left;">Do I still need to hide</div><div style="text-align: left;">In my shadow</div><div style="text-align: left;">Or am I ready</div><div style="text-align: left;">To shine?</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-37732572907812027422023-03-18T06:28:00.004-04:002023-03-18T06:28:43.917-04:00Saturday Morning Melancholy <div style="text-align: left;">I am lost</div><div style="text-align: left;">And everything hurts</div><div style="text-align: left;">I’m back at the start</div><div style="text-align: left;">All the endings stacked</div><div style="text-align: left;">So that I can’t see</div><div style="text-align: left;">Have no desire to look</div><div style="text-align: left;">For new beginnings</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I am alone</div><div style="text-align: left;">My brain knows I am not</div><div style="text-align: left;">But my heart cries out</div><div style="text-align: left;">YES YOU ARE</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And the quiet morning </div><div style="text-align: left;">Echoes my loneliness </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And the solitary tear</div><div style="text-align: left;">Threatens to drop</div><div style="text-align: left;">Even as I hold it back</div><div style="text-align: left;">Afraid of a floodgate</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Steeped in pain</div><div style="text-align: left;">Drenched in sadness</div><div style="text-align: left;">I force motivation </div><div style="text-align: left;">Into my limbs</div><div style="text-align: left;">Get dressed</div><div style="text-align: left;">Go to work</div><div style="text-align: left;">Wear that smile</div><div style="text-align: left;">So my pain doesn’t spread </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Hate myself for continuing </div><div style="text-align: left;">Hate myself for wanting to be dead</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hate myself for hurting</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hate myself for not wanting to heal</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Can I force my arms to open</div><div style="text-align: left;">And accept the beauty</div><div style="text-align: left;">In my life</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Can I force my mind to open</div><div style="text-align: left;">And hold happiness</div><div style="text-align: left;">Over strife</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Can I force my heart to open </div><div style="text-align: left;">I just don’t think</div><div style="text-align: left;">I can </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-33420669516499173072023-03-03T08:02:00.003-05:002023-06-05T03:04:29.729-04:00The Collective Mic Writer's Circle Prompt: Erykah Badu's Bag Lady<p> </p>
<div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Jm3OHtWGT2Y" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">My first bags</div><div style="text-align: center;">Were so heavy</div><div style="text-align: center;">Filled with the rejection</div><div style="text-align: center;">Of a nation</div><div style="text-align: center;">Who upon seeing me</div><div style="text-align: center;">In my new country</div><div style="text-align: center;">Said</div><div style="text-align: center;">Let me fill that suitcase more</div><div style="text-align: center;">Because you we abhor</div><div style="text-align: center;">With your assimilation</div><div style="text-align: center;">As if my 14 month old self</div><div style="text-align: center;">Could unpack the bags</div><div style="text-align: center;">And stay</div><div style="text-align: center;">And learn to be Korean</div><div style="text-align: center;">Instead of Jewish</div><div style="text-align: center;">I couldn't even walk</div><div style="text-align: center;">Much less walk away</div><div style="text-align: center;">And the tears</div><div style="text-align: center;">On my new mother's face</div><div style="text-align: center;">Were a new bag</div><div style="text-align: center;">I had to carry</div><div style="text-align: center;">Not knowing</div><div style="text-align: center;">How to be the right daughter</div><div style="text-align: center;">For a family</div><div style="text-align: center;">That didn't know Oriental</div><div style="text-align: center;">Was a description of a rug</div><div style="text-align: center;">Not a human</div><div style="text-align: center;">And that calling me</div><div style="text-align: center;">Her China doll</div><div style="text-align: center;">Became a weight</div><div style="text-align: center;">I had to carry</div><div style="text-align: center;">Sharpened to a sword</div><div style="text-align: center;">I used to parry</div><div style="text-align: center;">Ignorance</div><div style="text-align: center;">And deceit</div><div style="text-align: center;">But worse</div><div style="text-align: center;">Eventually</div><div style="text-align: center;">The knights in underarmour</div><div style="text-align: center;">Came to say</div><div style="text-align: center;">Baby let me hold you</div><div style="text-align: center;">Let me carry your burdens</div><div style="text-align: center;">And kiss your fears</div><div style="text-align: center;">Let <i>me</i> shoulder those bag</div><div style="text-align: center;">And banish your tears</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I said no</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I said no</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I said no</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I said</div><div style="text-align: center;">Oaky</div><div style="text-align: center;">And they said</div><div style="text-align: center;">Damn these bags are heavy</div><div style="text-align: center;">And walked the fuck away</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I stand strong now</div><div style="text-align: center;">I stand so strong now</div><div style="text-align: center;">But sometimes</div><div style="text-align: center;">I feel weak</div><div style="text-align: center;">As if the days and weeks</div><div style="text-align: center;">And months and decades</div><div style="text-align: center;">Will bury me alive</div><div style="text-align: center;">But I stop to breathe</div><div style="text-align: center;">I surround myself with strength</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I say</div><div style="text-align: center;">There is beauty in this world</div><div style="text-align: center;">So much beauty in this world</div><div style="text-align: center;">Because we carried</div><div style="text-align: center;">Our bags</div><div style="text-align: center;">The length</div><div style="text-align: center;">And now</div><div style="text-align: center;">Sisters</div><div style="text-align: center;">Let's put them down</div><div style="text-align: center;">And rest</div><div style="text-align: center;">Let watch as life's test</div><div style="text-align: center;">Reveals how we passed with flying colors</div><div style="text-align: center;">Not just for ourselves</div><div style="text-align: center;">But for all others</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-37881741211057940392023-02-23T18:52:00.003-05:002023-02-23T18:52:41.577-05:00Tonight<p> Escaping</p><p>Me</p><p>The thoughts </p><p>Will you join me?</p>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-11758345001929167172023-02-22T23:59:00.003-05:002023-03-18T06:30:53.191-04:00Hello 2023<p>Yeah.</p><p>I know I'm late.</p><p>It's February and shit.</p><p>But life hasn't been super easy (was it ever).</p><p>And I know people have it harder.</p><p>I KNOW.</p><p>And I honor that and hate that life is hard.</p><p>Or easy.</p><p>I just.</p><p>I'm hurting.</p><p>I'm lonely.</p><p>I'm sad.</p><p>And I'm trying to support friends who are more hurt, and more lonely, and more sad.</p><p>So I can't complain in.</p><p>I can only complain out.</p><p>But I don't have a lot of friends.</p><p>So I only can say here...it sucks to love people.</p><p>It sucks when they die.</p><p>It sucks when they leave you.</p><p>It sucks when they aren't the person you ended up with.</p><p>It sucks when they could never be your person on paper but they are your person in your heart.</p><p>And yeah. It's the end of February almost and I haven't blogged.</p><p>But my feelings have been too big.</p><p>And too small.</p><p>And I want to curl up into a ball.</p><p>And really,</p><p>If I'm being honest,</p><p>I want to die.</p><p>Now</p><p>Don't worry.</p><p>I won't.</p><p>I'm too stubborn for that.</p><p>But in my heart of hearts</p><p>In the place where where pain meets acquiescence</p><p>There's an understanding</p><p>There really is</p><p>I hurt too much</p><p>Not more than anyone else, </p><p>Of course</p><p>But too much for me</p><p>And I won't let go</p><p>Because I know people don't want me to</p><p>But I would</p><p>I totally would let go</p><p>If only</p><p>It was okay</p><p><br /></p>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-44942941571451777782022-12-07T20:18:00.000-05:002022-12-07T20:18:02.609-05:00It's Not Fair<div style="text-align: left;">It's not fair</div><div style="text-align: left;">That you can take my breath away</div><div style="text-align: left;">When I am already</div><div style="text-align: left;">Trying not to breathe</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">How can you know</div><div style="text-align: left;">To d</div><div style="text-align: left;"> i</div><div style="text-align: left;"> s</div><div style="text-align: left;">my r destruction</div><div style="text-align: left;"> u</div><div style="text-align: left;"> p</div><div style="text-align: left;"> t</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Did I whisper for help</div><div style="text-align: left;">In my sleep</div><div style="text-align: left;">Just by dreaming of you?</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-29745830095533565412022-12-05T03:01:00.005-05:002023-03-03T08:03:16.059-05:00Sleep of the Dead<div style="text-align: left;">I lie down</div><div style="text-align: left;">Mentally</div><div style="text-align: left;">I shovel sleep</div><div style="text-align: left;">Until I’m buried</div><div style="text-align: left;">Six feet deep</div><div style="text-align: left;">My battered body</div><div style="text-align: left;">My bruised mind</div><div style="text-align: left;">Laid to rest</div><div style="text-align: left;">For the night at least</div><div style="text-align: left;">Sleep tattoos reluctance</div><div style="text-align: left;">On my eyelids</div><div style="text-align: left;">I try to open them</div><div style="text-align: left;">Early morning</div><div style="text-align: left;">Nothing moves </div><div style="text-align: left;">Except my mind</div><div style="text-align: left;">A tiny bit </div><div style="text-align: left;">Supplanting my exhaustion</div><div style="text-align: left;">With memories of yesterday</div><div style="text-align: left;">My child’s joy</div><div style="text-align: left;">My expanding love</div><div style="text-align: left;">I roll over</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hey</div><div style="text-align: left;">It’s a start</div><div style="text-align: left;">Eyes open</div><div style="text-align: left;">I write a poem</div><div style="text-align: left;">About trying </div><div style="text-align: left;">To get out of bed</div><div style="text-align: left;">Can I do it?</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-70347675147319658212022-08-07T12:44:00.000-04:002022-08-07T12:44:04.169-04:00I'm Tired<div style="text-align: left;">I'm tired of getting lost<br />In the past</div><div style="text-align: left;">Every time</div><div style="text-align: left;">I try to examine it</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm tired of being afraid</div><div style="text-align: left;">That what I've been through</div><div style="text-align: left;">Is going to come back</div><div style="text-align: left;">And haunt me forever</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm tried of forgetting...</div><div style="text-align: left;">That defense mechanism</div><div style="text-align: left;">I have enacted</div><div style="text-align: left;">Which has morphed</div><div style="text-align: left;">Into a way of disassociating</div><div style="text-align: left;">Even</div><div style="text-align: left;">When I am not in danger</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm tired of starting things</div><div style="text-align: left;">And never finishing</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm tired of losing friends</div><div style="text-align: left;">And lovers</div><div style="text-align: left;">And family</div><div style="text-align: left;">Not due to natural causes</div><div style="text-align: left;">But due to my inability</div><div style="text-align: left;">To connect</div><div style="text-align: left;">And communicate</div><div style="text-align: left;">In a meaningful way</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm tired of drowning loneliness</div><div style="text-align: left;">In alcohol</div><div style="text-align: left;">And bad behavior</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm tired of floating</div><div style="text-align: left;">Mindless and distracted</div><div style="text-align: left;">Through my life</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">My last blog post </div><div style="text-align: left;">Was April 30. </div><div style="text-align: left;">So I've almost abandoned</div><div style="text-align: left;">My daily blog project</div><div style="text-align: left;">Longer </div><div style="text-align: left;">Than I stuck with it.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm going to start back.</div><div style="text-align: left;">And see if I can't catch up.</div><div style="text-align: left;">I know that it was difficult</div><div style="text-align: left;">And a lot to process</div><div style="text-align: left;">But it was helping</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">That retrospective</div><div style="text-align: left;">Was helping me</div><div style="text-align: left;">In ways I could</div><div style="text-align: left;">And couldn't see</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">So now</div><div style="text-align: left;">That I've inadvertently</div><div style="text-align: left;">Cleared my social calendar</div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm going back</div><div style="text-align: left;">And let's see</div><div style="text-align: left;">Where it leads me</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-57833753782557863942022-05-07T22:33:00.012-04:002022-08-08T22:46:44.490-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven: 05/07/2002<div style="text-align: right;"> 7 May 2002</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I was driving a bus knowing my driver's license was suspended but the company didn't check and gave me the job anyway. Every day I'd go speeding around this cure, always knowing I should slow down but going faster every time. Finally one day I lost control of the bus and it flipped down into the water. I was thrown before it hit and ended-up at the police station. I was sure I was going to be incarcerate. Two friends had driven me there (Alena and someone) and Randy was there too. Oh...I'm too lazy to record the rest of this...I ended-up on crutches at a shopping center witnessing a bank robbery and then getting chased with two black women by a maniacal white man who threatened to beat, rape and then kill us.</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-39463958107329416212022-05-06T13:44:00.009-04:002022-08-07T13:49:03.810-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-Six: 05/06/2009<div style="text-align: right;"> 05/06/2009</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> How long has she been running from the same thing? It feels as if forever and inevitable are the same thing sometimes. Certainly it has been forever she has been running from the inevitable and it seems as though inevitable runs faster than forever which makes a lot of sense because, after all, forever has forever to run and inevitable has only so long. But anyway, there has been progress made in the past few months wherein she has allowed herself moments to stand still by and through the inevitable, which we already established is faster than forever, and has apparently caught up.</span><br /></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-61165900301302471472022-05-05T13:32:00.022-04:002022-08-07T13:43:34.382-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-Five: 05/05/2012 and 05/05/2018<p style="text-align: justify;"> <i>Okay, so I found two entries from today and I like them both so I am posting them both. First is my letter to Nex from the day after he was born. Second is a poem I wrote with Marx. I think maybe that was when we were visiting the Poconos or somewhere like that but I could be wrong. The poem was of the form where I wrote two lines, then covered the first line and he wrote two lines based off of my second line. Then he covered up to his first line, and I wrote the next two lines based off of his line, and so on and so forth. His lines are the ones in italics.</i></p><div style="text-align: right;">05/05/2012</div><div style="text-align: right;">6:41 am</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Nexen,</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I am listening to you breathe as I write this. You are a little over 10 hours old. You are perfect. Everything feels fine now that you are here. I feel oddly emotionally grounded (at the moment!). I told your father he could see you today. I've had no reply yet but I imagine he will come see you.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> You were so strong and brave yesterday! You are very calm and well adjusted, all things considered. I can't even believe I'm getting the chance to write you already!</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> I love you my baby water dragon.</span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> <i>Mama</i><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span><span>05/05/2018</span></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>In the autumnal sunshine</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>I picked a tree</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>A symbol for myself</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Inspiration for what I want to be</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>Calls to me</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>From the wilderness</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Approaches a hunter</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Seeking sustenance</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>My soul grows toward the sun</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>And my body</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Remains unexplored</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>But the price is costly</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>So the decision is a struggle</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>And the answer</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Festers within me</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Spreading like cancer</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>Or the wings of a full grown dragon</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>The eternal question remains</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>How do I survive </i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>And what will I maintain</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>When the truth</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span>Is at the bottom of the bottle</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>At the top of a mountain</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i>Or the end of a throttle</i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span><span><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span><span><i><br /></i></span></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-74565909529594749632022-05-04T13:25:00.011-04:002022-08-07T13:32:03.841-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-Four: 05/04/2021<div style="text-align: right;"> 05/04/2021</div><div style="text-align: right;">9:25 p.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Nexen's birthday, so it was a wonderful day by default. Still now, for the first time today, I think of the glorious storm the night Nexen was born. My water dragon. Ab and Sami really believed Nexen could make it rain for a little while. What a joyous and triumphant day it was. At one point in labor, I remember feeling so desperately alone without his father there. And then I looked around at the beautiful, strong, loving women in the room, plus my kids, and I let it all fill me. And the strength of all the birthing mothers throughout history. And I opened up myself and my future to a whole human. Which was what I had done to get myself to that night in the first place. I am so thankful I have been so blessed since then, to not have my heart's desire dictate my future. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Work was horrible today. Don't feel like expounding upon it. I may be fired soon. So it goes.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">...</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Anyway, we'll see how work goes tomorrow. All I can do is my best, and whether they see it or not, I have been.</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-14447185218429647552022-05-03T13:18:00.021-04:002022-08-07T13:25:05.384-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-Three: 05/03/2012 <i>This actually cracks me up because I mention how I had acuptuncture and the acupuncturist actually did some points which were contraindicated in pregnancy that day. But she said I was so far along it wouldn't matter. And then I went into labor less than 24 hours later. I was planning on being pregnant for at least another week. 😂</i><div><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: right;">05/03/2012</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> Well I had acupuncture today and I feel much better than I did last week. Or last entry anyway. If I can get a lot done over the weekend I'll probably keep working next week.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> Yesterday was Ab's parent teacher conference. He is not doing well in school. It was a mess with Ab crying and Randall yelling...I started crying then after the conference he was yelling at Abacus onthe street and then we were fighting...just a big fucking mess.</span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span> Then this morning He sends three emails which at the time upset me but now I feel are good. Makes me positive I've made the right decision in protecting the baby and myself from Him.</span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span><span> What I say hurts him because it is true. What he says does not hurt me because it is bullshit. I am happy with the progress I have made emotionally and spiritually and I'm so happy with my body for being so fantastic. In all the pain there has been so much beauty. I guess that's why He is so angry. He wanted to be a part of the beauty. I suppose I would be mad too. I'd like to think I'd be more understanding though.</span><br /></span></span></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-71581206850934777652022-05-02T13:05:00.015-04:002022-08-07T13:13:34.884-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-Two: 05/02/2012<p> <i>So, there may be a bunch of Nexen posts coming-up, seeing as how his birthday is Star Wars Day. We shall see.</i></p><div style="text-align: right;">05/02/2012</div><div style="text-align: right;">11:23 p.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">My darling baby,</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> It will not be long before I am listening to you breathe as I write, the way I am listening to your sister breathe now. It is an exciting time but I have a lot left to do. I hope you will continue to be patient with me.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> I hope to close my eyes soon and fall asleep. I hope you will come to me in your dreams and whisper your name.</span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> I hope you will understand and forgive any mistakes I make in navigating through the mess that is our immediate future. Through everything, the most and the least I can do is love you. It is all I will do.</span><br /></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-40162807059355234452022-05-01T12:58:00.019-04:002022-08-07T13:08:01.250-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty-One: 05/01/2015<p><i>Well, I am back after a 3+ month hiatus. Luckily I can back date these posts. There is only one entry for May 1st, I hope it doesn't suck.</i></p><div style="text-align: right;">05/01/2015</div><div style="text-align: right;">3:57 pm</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> So I know I am in serious trouble here based on the frequency of my entries. This is Nexen's birthday weekend. I was supposed to have the kids but Randall switched with me. I have agreed to T joining in on Nexen's birthday trip to the beach, which means Ab and Sami can't come. I feel a little guilty, but if he doesn't take them, it'll be three weekends in a row with me.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><i>Okay, well it wasn't a very exciting entry but it is the only one I have. Which is crazy in and of itself. Interestingly, I have not really been journaling much this year. I definitely need to get back on that. It's possible I did more before I stopped working on this blog project, but you know, I can't really remember that far back.</i></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-3109406708399495592022-04-30T00:00:00.010-04:002022-04-30T00:00:00.168-04:00Day One Hundred Twenty: 04/30/2012<div style="text-align: right;"> 04/30/2012</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> I have made small progress in my preparations but nothing major. I may have to stop working and stay home to prepare. If I can just make it through this weekend I'll do just that.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span>9:45ish</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> I'm waiting on the subway now. This is going to be my last week of work. I don't have the energy for the commute anymore.</span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span> I am feeling sad. I will make an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow I think. I cried yesterday during acupuncture. These hormones are brutal.</span><br /></span></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-67606069488207988242022-04-29T00:00:00.017-04:002022-04-29T00:00:00.170-04:00Day One Hundred Nineteen: 04/29/2016<div style="text-align: right;"> 04/29/2016</div><div style="text-align: right;">5:45 p.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Waiting at ballet with Nexen. Frank wanted me to meet him out but I'm too tired to schlep Nex out to Norther Liberties to meet-up with him tonight. Poor Frank. Things are really rough these days for him.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Last night I babysat for Susan's girls. Apparently Emme woke-up asking for me. 😊 So cute.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Marx texted me today. Apparently it is National Zipper Day. He's making an effort. I can appreciate that.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I'm now talking to several bagels. It's keeping me entertained enough, doubtful it will equal a love connection though.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Sami finished class early tonight because her back is sore. Now we're at Powelton waiting for some food. So we should get home early tonight. That's good.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>Hi I'm writing in my mom's diary. I got buffalo chicken ranch pizza and it's really, HOT!! Nexen, as always is watching You Tube Ryan's Toy Review. Now the cheese fries are here.</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Yum! Cheese fries! I shouldn't be eating this junk but it tastes sooo yummy! I think someone should make grilled cheese fries. Now THAT would be yummy!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I guess I should mention how disappointed I am with Sami's scholastic progress. If she doesn't get her grades up this last quarter of 5th grade she is going to limit herself when it comes to choosing a high school <u>and</u> I am going to have to restrict dance next year.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I think we should work on some family goal setting. My top 5 goals for next month are:</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">1. Find a new job *Work-out & run!</div><div style="text-align: justify;">2. Clean the house</div><div style="text-align: justify;">3. Make a budget</div><div style="text-align: justify;">4. One on one quality time w/kids</div><div style="text-align: justify;">5. Develop relationship w/inner child</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>Sami's Goals</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>1. Get straight A's or No C's</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>2. Read every single night </i>*Stay Focused</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>3. Study every single night</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>4. Always respect my family</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>5. Smile more (because people said I stopped smiling??)</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Nexen's Goals</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">1. Play</div><div style="text-align: justify;">2. Love</div><div style="text-align: justify;">3. Don't say potty words</div><div style="text-align: justify;">4. Don't bang my head when angry</div><div style="text-align: justify;">5. Love my family</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-1239279653683156062022-04-28T00:00:00.008-04:002022-04-28T00:00:00.159-04:00Day One Hundred Eighteen: 04/28/2009<div style="text-align: right;"> 04/08/2009</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I give you</div><div style="text-align: left;">The best in me</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hoping you'll</div><div style="text-align: left;">Invest in</div><div style="text-align: left;">The rest of me</div><div style="text-align: left;">I want to </div><div style="text-align: left;">Digest the recipe</div><div style="text-align: left;">I want to </div><div style="text-align: left;">Stand on the praecipe</div><div style="text-align: left;">And nothing</div><div style="text-align: left;">Is a test with me</div><div style="text-align: left;">Yet somehow</div><div style="text-align: left;">I feel like</div><div style="text-align: left;">I've been playing</div><div style="text-align: left;">A game</div><div style="text-align: left;">Am I being <br />Measured</div><div style="text-align: left;">And evaluated</div><div style="text-align: left;">And tested</div><div style="text-align: left;">And prodded</div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-88372132019680349312022-04-27T00:00:00.009-04:002022-04-27T00:00:00.171-04:00Day One Hundred Seventeen: 04/27/2021<div style="text-align: right;"> 04/27/2021</div><div style="text-align: right;">8:41 a.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> This morning's thoughts center upon the idea that the depths of an indiviual's inner realm are equal to the expanse of our outer realm. The universe inside of us lives in symmetry with the universe outside of us. When we pull on the thread of sadness we may find there is no end to that thred. We may feel in those moments, focusing on that thread, futility in continuing on since we hold within us neverending sadness. But a moment or a miracle brings to our attention the thread of happiness. And focusing here we may see the happiness, too, is unending. And when we discover we can weave the threads together in the tapestry of our life, it is then we are ready to work on our masterpiece. The thread of the past and the thread of the future - equally infinite, woven together to create the present. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> </span>It would seem I need to learn how to weave.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> 💗<i>Mee</i><br /></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-34818290795065930142022-04-26T00:00:00.006-04:002022-04-26T00:00:00.158-04:00Day One Hundred Sixteen: 04/26/2021<div style="text-align: right;"> 04/26/2021</div><div style="text-align: right;">9:21 p.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> "Imagine the chances of your existing at all. Why not do something great with your life?"</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> </span><span> Today was a rough day. I am feeling some sort of unease I can't quite recognize. Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.</span><br /></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-61887318779725553162022-04-25T00:00:00.012-04:002022-04-25T00:00:00.174-04:00Day One Hundred Fifteen: 04/25/2021<div style="text-align: right;">04/25/2021</div><div style="text-align: right;">11:09 p.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Having found the edge of happiness I try to sink into it. I try to pull it over me, to wrap myself in it. But it pulls away from me as if to say no, you're not ready yet. So many things pull me away from it. I do not wish to covet it, or take it away from anyone else. I merely wish to believe I am deserving of the small pieces of it which come my way. And that any I manifest - that I can rejoice in brining it forth and setting it off into the world for others to share. For what is happiness that is not shared? Just loneliness.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> 💗</span> <i>Mee.</i></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065013918823185215.post-64946392987159743292022-04-24T00:00:00.003-04:002022-04-24T00:00:00.161-04:00Day One Hundred Fourteen: 04/24/2012<div style="text-align: right;"> 04/24/2012</div><div style="text-align: right;">6:52 a.m.</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> <span> One hour until my 2nd home visit so this will be short because I have cleaning left to do and then I want to grab a shower.</span></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span> <span> I am happy! I am excited! Baby will be here soon. As long as I have a few more weeks, I will be ready.</span></span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span><span><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> Yay!</span><br /></span></span></span></span></div>Mee Jonghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07322125672704310946noreply@blogger.com0