Friday, May 25, 2012

Dear Nexen,

Just three weeks ago you were curled up inside of me, sleeping to the rhythm of my heartbeat.  Today as you lay curled upon my chest, sleeping to the rhythm of my heartbeat, I am in awe of us, and all we have come through to get here. 

Most people's birth story begins with, "Mommy and Daddy loved each other, and from that love, you were conceived."  I am so sorry this is not how your story began.  I just pray that all my suffering imbues me with the strength and insight to teach you and your brother and sister to navigate your life without ever falling victim to this particular brand of heartache.

Our path together so far has been the most difficult one which I have ever chosen.  This is saying a lot, because your old Mama never takes the easy road.  You will come to know this path is the only one in my life I wish I had not traveled.  I believe that you and I were meant to be, but I believe that you would have come to me in a more honorable way, had I behaved more honorably.  Had I chosen an alternate path.

Despite all the emotional fallout, we made it through.  And here we are, loving each other as only a mother and child can ever love each other.  Giving over everything, all our love, all our trust, all our hopes and dreams.  What we did three weeks ago today was amazing and beautiful, yet also incredibly difficult.  

There came a moment, fleeting but very real, when my inner critic told me I can't do this "on my own".  This is the moment you and I came together and connected with every woman who has ever given birth in the history of humankind and accessed the magnificent strength and knowledge that lives within every woman.  Sadly, many women in our modern society never tap into this most powerful source, or are even aware it exists.  But I digress.

Already, you have grown so much.  I am trying to keep pace and also navigate the safest and happiest path upon which continue.  I allow things which hurt me terribly in the hopes it will make your life easier in the future, but there is a limit to how much I can handle right now.   I hope, in time, you will understand all of this and understand and believe in your heart that everything I do and have done is for the sake of everyone's long term happiness.

The scariest part of all this is the knowledge that the hardest days are still ahead of us.  I try not to think about that too much more than I have to.  For now I just marvel at how much you grow and change every single day.  I just hold you and love you and keep you warm and safe and happy.  I watch as your brother and sister care for and adore you.  And I am thankful for all that I have in my life.  The good which I cherish and the bad from which I learn.

I love you today and every day,

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sleeping Like A Baby...

Abacus wonders what his baby brother is dreaming about...

being a football star?

playing with a chicken?

being Robin Hood?

being a Superstar?

OH!  Abacus figured it out!! Nexen is dreaming of Nerf wars...

Haha, sucker!  All's fair in love and war...

"What the heck is going on around here?"