Friday, December 23, 2016

Hey, 2017, you're right around the corner!

This is my plan for you...

Mondays:  I will make a concerted effort, including making a budget, to get my finances under control again.

Tuesdays:  I will honor one child this night, in rotation, so that acknowledging how special they are to me becomes more a part of our routine.

Wednesdays:  I will not work on merely accepting mistakes I have made, I will actively celebrate one mistake I have made in my life and thereby come to realize the joys of my imperfect state of being in an attempt to lessen some of my default fear-based control responses.

Thursdays:  I will work to care less about things and focus more on positive actions to reduce the stuff in my life.

Fridays:  I will do one thing to honor and connect with my inner child.

Saturdays:  I will involve myself/my family in one community/political action.

Sundays:  I will reflect upon the week and catch-up on any unfulfilled daily goals and reset myself and my family for the week ahead.

I found that having lofty, generalized goals for myself/my family have not been working optimally. My hope is this will make the work of self-improvement easier to digest and implement.

I'm ready for you 2017!  Let's do this!

Friday, December 9, 2016


It's possible
I loved you
It's possible

It's possible
I'm fine
Without you

It's possible
That hurts

It's possible
You were
I needed

It's possible

It's possible
I don't know
What I'm writing


It's possible
Is special

It's possible
Is the day
I walk away

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Just. Go. Away.

See me.
For who I am.
For who I have been.
For who I am trying to be.
Or just. go. away.

I realize.
I'm far
From perfect.
I work
On awareness
And growth
And blaming.
So, please.
Just. Go. Away.

See me.
For who I am.
For who I have been.
For who I am trying to be.
Or just. go. away.

The last word
Is yours
I'm done.
Just. Go. Away.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Black and White

Lost and found
Old and new
Wet and dry

Opposites may have attracted
But the repulsion is evident

I may have robbed my children
Of their black and white world
Everything went gray
Too early
For them

I was so lost
And then
And then

What do I even expect to find?

I feel old
Even though love is new
I guess because once
New love = uncomplicated
And now...
Now the only thing that's simple
Is the end

The tears
Down my cheeks
The fountain
Of future

Friday, November 11, 2016

My Loves

I have been wanting to write this letter to you from the moment I realized our country was actually going to elect Donald Trump.  I found myself trying to wait until I was less emotional, more rational. I see now that day might not come any time soon.

So, I'm not overtly patriotic.  I don't fly an American Flag outside our house or have an "I love America" bumper sticker on my hypothetical car or a bald eagle tattooed on my bicep.  But I do have a deep love for our country and the people who live in it.  ALL OF THEM.  I love the people who are like-minded, I love the people who think differently, I love the people whose lives are a mess and struggle, I love the people who are successful and I understand, and want you to understand, that EVERYONE makes mistakes.  And love is about forgiveness.  Love is about acceptance.

However, forgiveness and acceptance are not a carte blanche.  Neither are hate and anger.  

When someone loves a person, or a place, and a horrible mistake is made (or what you perceive to be a horrible mistake), it hurts.  At its extreme, it causes a broken heart.  And so my loves, when we voted Trump into office, my heart broke, and the hearts of a lot of people who also love our country. For me, it's not because I hate Trump.  Trump is what he is and he has a place under my umbrella of love for humans, but, again, that doesn't mean he can do or say or act however he wants and I will stand by and watch, continually forgiving and accepting without making a move to effect change.  Not when he takes a position of leadership in our government.

Now, a lot of people feel like it's too late, he's elected.  We should have done something beforehand, what's the point in rallying or protesting or speaking out now.  We're not going to change anything. We should just sit quietly and let him do his thing.

So here's what I believe.

Article [I] (Amendment 1 - Freedom of expression and religion) 13

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 

Our democratic government is set-up "by the people, for the people".  As "the people" we have a responsibility to make our voices heard when we feel our government is moving in a direction that, collectively, we cannot tolerate.  Respecting the president-elect and protesting against the abhorrent statements he has made and ideas he is propagating, are two completely different things.

And so I will stand in solidarity with everyone who feels oppressed by Trump's statements and those of his constituents.  I will ask you to stand beside me, and speak out against acts of hatred and violence.  I will ask that you walk or march beside me in peaceful, respectful protest of the words and ideas that have struck fear into the hearts of so many Americans.  But most of all, I will ask you to follow your own hearts, and do whatever you feel is the right thing to do.

If we can help Trump see just how many Americans feel hurt and marginalized by his words and threatened actions, and he cares about doing a good job as President, then he will have to take responsibility for the things he says.  And if the only thing we accomplish is that he stops and thinks before he speaks, we have made progress.  And the President-elect is not the only one watching.  All across America, and the world at large, we need to send the message that millions of us are not okay with his rhetoric.  That millions of us care about one another despite any number of factors that make us the amazing and beautiful people that we are.  I'm not going to list them for fear of leaving some group out, but you know who they are.  

If children can get suspended from your school for repeating the words of the President-elect, it is incumbent upon me to act.  Not by spreading more violence, more hate and more intolerance but by working to support and promote a dialogue and atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding among anyone and everyone who is willing to engage in such.

So, my loves, let's talk.  Let's talk, and let's remember to love everyone.  Let's lend our strength to positive and peaceful civic actions and show the world exactly what this country is made of.  Let's be Americans and show our love for America by exercising our Constitutional rights.  Whatever we do, let's not choose now to be silent and hope for the best.


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

November 12, 2008

If this is tonight
Then what of tomorrow
I've misplaced my dreams
Have you one I can borrow?

I'd like to think that gradually
I'll put to rest that fragile me
And bounce back from this tragedy
That split apart my family
But don't you know that tragedy
Was something that was born in me
And even if I've sworn to be
Do I believe that possibly
I'm capable of living peaceably
When all that does reside in me
Is ultimately contradictory
To the person that I try to be
And sometimes I can hide it, see
But when people confide in me
The honesty collides down deep
And tragic thoughts disrupt my sleep
And negativity will creep
And then my conscious mind does leak
All the strength I tried to keep
And stockpile
Knowing that it could be a while
And I may just forget to smile
In the face of tragedy
That would expose the fragile me

Thursday, November 3, 2016

I can't stop

My head
Is filled
With love

My heart
Is filled
With hope

My body
Is full
Of the feelings
By your words

Did you know
I respond
To the sight
Of your name
(chat window)
To the sound
Of your voice
(even if it's only
in my mind)
To the memory
Of the feeling
Of your breath
On my neck

So many things
Bring me back
To you
And all this time
I've spent
Running away
I've grown tired
So tired
That I just
Want to curl-up
Beside you
Call that place
And stay there

(T)his Morning

This morning
Is gray
The air
Is chilled
But not
To discomfort
My steps
Are quiet
My thoughts
Like mist

I like
Their weight
This morning
To buoyant
Than I
Can really
Them being
That weekend)
I digress....

The shadows
Are missing
The sunlight
Is not here
To play

My heart
Is light
I realized
I am only
To win
No matter what

Of course
Is a spider
Once again
Its web of lies
Around my heart

If that
The case
Would I
So light?
So free?

I think not
For I do
The weight
Of the lies
The clouds
Of torment
In his eyes
From time
To time

It's sad
(I know)
That when
I write
Of love
A disease
And steals
My beautiful thoughts
Coloring them
The shade of fear

Is a process
To love

The (reinforced) fortress

The future
To be
It wants
To be

My catharsis
The melancholy
The joy
Of knowing you
Into Mee

On this
Gloomy morning
The light
From inside
The light

(T)oday: One Thing

So I was instructed today, to do one thing for myself today.

I actually did two, but I'm only going to talk about one.


"They say it's the last song
They don't know us, you see
It's only the last song
If we let it be"

Tuesday, November 1, 2016


And I'm terrified
You know
You can't
Be real.

Our story
Was supposed
To end.

But the music
It kept playing
In my head
And then
The words

The words
Stirred me
And I woke-up
To the possibility
That maybe

You really did
Hold my hand
When I was asleep

And maybe
Just maybe
I really did
Hold on tight

It's worth
Taking the chance
That you write
From your heart
The way I do

And not
From your ego
Like he did

Because your heart
Can't throw around
A phrase
Like "I love you"
But your ego,
Your ego

Truth in Music

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Visualization: One Year Future Perfect Dream

Back in March of 2014 I was part of a women's support group entitled "Single and Searching".  The focus of the group was dating, and although I wasn't interested in dating when I went in, I joined because I wanted some clarity on whether I should be dating or not.  I suppose it was an attempt to absolve guilt.  

Anyway, one of our assignments was to write our vision of a happy relationship.  I happened across the journal tonight in which I wrote on it, so I thought it would be fun to share it here.  Super shocking, I know, but I wrote it in poem form.

The quiet
Is the quiet of a busy house
Full of children
And laughter
And love

The quiet 
That is beautiful
In its rarity
And so fleeting
It's impossible
To miss

The smells
Of childhood
And wooden blocks
Of adolescent boys
Of a fragrant 
Young flower of a female
Always eager to please
Just like her mother

The feel 
Of energy
The air itself
Moves faster
With the energy of youth
With the energy of new love

The view
An American masterpiece
A melting pot
Of features
Faces so familiar
And also strange

The taste
Of home cooked meals
Each a labor of love
Of children's boo-boos
Brought to your lips for those kisses
Which instantly make them all better
Of my new love's kiss
Who made my life all better

7:03 a.m.

If confusion
Is the beginning
Of understanding
Does understanding
Mean the end
Of confusion?

In beginning
To understand
My soul
(As opposed to dizzy-like)

In beginning
To understand
My heart
Clearing blockages
Creating space

In beginning
To understand
My body
All that is okay
And all
That is definitely

In beginning
To understand
My mind
And in a corner
Was a safer place

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Because of you


Because of you
Each time
I heard the word
I felt pain

Because of you
Each time
I thought
I could love again
The fear
The memory
The heartbreak
Flooded my brain
Drowned my desire

Loving you
Nearly killed me
And the aftertaste
Causes me to cringe
Even now


Because of you
My bare skin
Tasted the salty
Frigid waves
Of the ocean
In October

Because of you
I will always
Have a Seoulmate
And confidante
A puddle jumping 
Wave leaping
Partner through life

I will always
Look forward
To the opportunities
To pause reality
And kick it with you


Because of you
I began to trust
At a time
When all I knew
Was how to run

Because of you
I found
My inner "no"
Had eluded me

I will always
Be thankful
For our time together


Because of you
(I am speechless)

Moments when I...

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Insomnia (Again)


If only I could stop this mind
Of mine
Slow the flow

It's been a week
Since I have slept well

So many things
Can change

So much change
Takes a lifetime
To achieve

I'm not unhappy
But I'm not happy

I'm too selfish
But I don't care about myself at all

I feel alone
But I know you're there

I could use a hug
But now, more than ever, I don't want to be touched

*pouty face*

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Letting Go

The last thing
I want
To do

The only thing
I know
To do

I always have
A myriad
Of reasons
At the ready

But now
I only

It's time
To let go

Sunday, October 16, 2016


An unquiet mind
Desires to find
The key to unwind

My tears are quiet
And I drink them
The taste of sorrow
And pain
Emancipate my brain
And I reach for you
But only
While you're not looking
Because now

Friday, September 30, 2016


It's Mee.
It's possible
I ran away for a bit.
It would seem
I have found my way

Or forward?

This time
The things I think
I will tell you
The things I can't tell you
I will show you
The things I can't show you

Maybe I will draw them for you.
Maybe we can paint them together.
Maybe they will just be understood.

But I won't make any assumptions.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016



Monday, September 19, 2016


Lesson of the Day:

EVERYONE has the capacity to be an asshole.  Everyone.  No matter how nice you think they are when you are getting to know them.

The end.

Thursday, September 15, 2016


Where are you?
Have you left me?
I have been searching
I am always searching
I have been hurting
I am often hurting
I have been feeling
Because I stopped drinking so much

But anyway
I am wondering
Where you are

Are you in reality
If so
Someone else's

Are you in
Subconscious thought
In the mental meanderings
Of sleepers
Of dreamers

Are you in the past?
The present?
The future?

Are you everywhere?

I need you
I need you to light my way
It's dark
And I'm confused
and I don't want to hurt myself
Or anyone else

I have met you before
So I already know
Hurt follows you
Like a shadow on a sunny day
I will take the pain
Which comes
With illumination
I just hope
Everyone else
Can do the same...

Monday, August 8, 2016

Dear Abacus,

When I try to write
About my love for you
I feel my heart
Wanting to burst
Or perhaps
The feeling is more like

You see
Until I held you
Minutes old
The smallest you would ever be

Until you breathed
That same air
As I was breathing

How could I know what life was?
How could I know what life meant?

Some people
Have this amazing gift
This ability to see
To know
To understand
Without needing this little life connection
To change their perspective
And open their mind

I lacked that gift
And so opening to you
Was opening to the world
And opening my heart to love you
Was finally
At long last
Opening my heart
To love myself

Every aspect
Of carrying you
Birthing you
Caring for you
Watching you grow
Has been a lesson
In how to treat myself
And everyone else

More love
More kindness
More compassion
More understanding

You are going to be thirteen soon.
You still smile at me when I walk in the door.
You still reach for my hand when we walk down the street.
You still tell me you love me when we hang up the phone.
You still catalyze positive growth with every milestone.

I can't put into words
What it means to know you
What it means to know
That you're my son
But I will put it into every hug
Every kiss
And every "I love you"
And just hope
That you continue to smile
And reach for me
And say "I love you"
And that I continue to grow


Saturday, July 16, 2016


If I
Your dreams
Could take
Me there
What it is
To know you

Your subconscious

In the dreams
I've forgotten
You reside?

Friday, July 15, 2016


So I've been dating.  It wasn't until (well) after my relationship with the baby's father that I even realized I should try doing such a thing.  Prior to then I just sort of fell into relationships.  Randomly and generally most passionately.  I suppose I have gotten older and wiser.  Not really knowing how to approach dating, or even whether I was truly ready or if it was something I wanted or needed, I did something which speaks to my relative maturity.  I sought help.

That's really all beside the point though.  What I really wanted to think about (and I do my best thinking through writing) is a question which one of the guys in the dating world asked me.  What am I really passionate about?  What am I really passionate about?  Being a mom, sure.  Natural birth advocacy, yes.  But those are both passions borne of something else, someone else.  I hesitated to answer so long that I fell asleep before responding.  And now, now I am not sure how to respond.

Prior to children, what were my passions?  I think maybe I was too lost to have real passions.  But is that possible?  I suppose it is.  If passion is emotion I certainly lacked the emotional depth I have today had a few years ago.  There were things I loved to do, sure.  Reading, writing, art (drawing, painting), dancing, video games.  I was certainly passionate about the guys I was with, at least the serious ones.  But none of it feels real, or lasting, looking back.  I guess because I let so much go?  If I were truly passionate, would I not still be doing all of those things?  I mean sure, to some extent I still do all of those things and I even lose myself in them sometimes but does that equal passion?  I'm not so sure anymore.

I suppose I have to answer "I don't know."  It's a rather lackluster answer when all is said and done but I can't lie.  I like a lot of things, even love them, but I think maybe I (once again) lack the emotional depth to exhibit real passion.  I'd love to have a thing.  The way Sami has dance.  The way Ab has video and computer games.  The way Nexen has cars.  

The fact of the matter is, allowing myself to feel has been so incredibly painful that I retreated to the shallow end.  Feeling the depth of the universe of emotion inside me and opening up to it and others and feeling so buoyant and free for a while only to have the water open up and swallow me (because, you know, emotions are water) and dare me to breathe was all I could do to make it back to the shallow end.  I feel like I need to dive back in if I want to be serious about living my life fully and I suppose that would open me up to knowing passion again.  

The question now is, is this an overnight thing?  Can I just jump back into the deep end and trust my ability to swim or do I have to take my time and feel the depth of the water as I make my way slowly back to that place?  

All I know right now is this.  I am thankful to that man, for asking that question, and reminding me of how I used to be able to feel.  The rest, I suppose, is up to Mee. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

This Morning

This morning
My heart
Bursts open
In a million directions
Spewing love

Love roars out of my chest
The energy dangerous 
Then it recedes
Curls up
All fetal like
And my eyes speak
Hold me
Just for this moment 
And arms 
Wrap around me
And I sigh
Deep enough
To soothe my fiery soul
And I laugh
Joyous and alive
And the arms
Try to hold me
For one more moment 
But I struggle free
And my mind
Bursts open
In a million directions
And spews words
All over this page 

Monday, May 30, 2016

5 Minutes

I devote
My five minutes
To you

As the rain
To wash away
The memory

It falls
As though
Certain doom

And my senses
After being lost
Amid the gentle rainfall
Spoken word
And gentle kisses

Lucky for me
Five minutes is up

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Happy Mother's Day!

The sun
To their earth
The moon
To their stars

For a precious time
We are
The biggest 
And most important 
To them
As they
To us

To grow
Their tiny,
Fragile bodies

To birth
These precious babes

To watch
As they learn to do
We take for granted 

Lift their head
Recognize your face
Grasp an object
Learn to speak

Both slowly 
And at the speed of light
Their hand
Stops reaching for yours
When you walk together

Their frame
Outgrows your lap
And your legs grow numb 
When they try it anyway

Their minds work
In ways
Increasingly difficult 
To understand 

Their vocabulary 
Becomes a code to crack
And they look to their peers
As often 
As they look to you
(Or more)

And letting go
Battle suspicion 
And the desire
To hold them close

And off
They go

We watch now
From a distance 
And trust
In our own hearts

And wait for signs 
That we did
At least a few

I hope 
Trying to raise
My three children
As well as my Mom
Raised her three
Is a good enough sign
For her

Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, April 30, 2016


I've been stuck
Living in
No motion
Has cycled back
Out of necessity
It seems


A fight
In the night
Sheds light
On the path
Less examined
And my mind
From its chains

It's so amazing
To remember

My resistance
To movement
I move on

My smile
To a place
Of sincerity

And my eyes
My eyes
A little

I'm moving
Let's Go!

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Noticing Silence

This morning
I am

The way
It has flavors
Which play
Upon the palate
Of the mind

The silence
Of a house
Of sleeping children
Is sweet
Like ice cream
Dulce de leche

 The silence
Of the house
After a break-up
Is bitter
But sometimes

 The silence
Of the mind
While the body
City streets
During rush hour
Is difficult
To place

The texture
Is smooth
But the flavor
Has hints
Of nuttiness

The silence
Of midnight
Deep in the mountains
Has such depth of flavor
The mind
Can only open
And let it pass through

The silence
After a loved one’s
Last breath
Is very salty
And requires
A lot of time
And love
To restore balance
To the mental palate

The silence
My Last breath
Will be earthy
And deep
But sweet
I’m thinking
Dark chocolate
With sea salt
And caramel

Monday, March 21, 2016


I hurt
From you,
But from me,

I feel as though
I've been sharpening my swords
And stabbing myself
For a moment
Life felt good

And now
I guess now
I have placed myself
On a new precipice
Hanging off
Facing certain death
I feel normal again
My survival instinct

My fear
My despair
But so familiar

I'm writing again
That says everything
Doesn't it?

I hurt
All over
From you,
But from me,


Is it true
That life
Back to scenarios
And situations
From which
You have yet
To learn
The lesson
Which was meant
For you
To learn?

On (yet) another

I think
To myself
My lesson
"Value Thyself"

By not
Valuing myself
I open the door
For others
To use me
To hurt me
To violate me
To disregard me
To disrespect me

Is it that
Will continue
To repeat itself
I learn
This lesson


Is it
The failure
To learn
The lesson
Leaves me open
To history

Either way
I have
To (fucking)
This circle!

Friday, March 18, 2016

State of Mind

I pause
To find
My state
Of mind
Is cloudy

Not the tranquil clouds
Of an otherwise clear blue, summer sky
But the dark and ominous clouds
Of an impending storm

Not just any storm
But the kind of storm
Which wakes the children
And unnerves the pets
Which stops the traffic on the highway
And is the perfect cover
For a terrible murder

Is what I seek
But I have forgotten
It seems
How to find it

Maybe sleep will help


How do I get to sleep again?

Saturday, January 16, 2016


My emptiness
I cultivate
So that I can be filled
With Universal truths

But if my emptiness
From simple vacancy
To an emotional hollow
Instead of being filled with truths
I am filled with sadness

So I try to let go
Of feeling
Because feeling
Causes the hollow

Yet my feeling
Is connected
To my memories
And some memories
I am not ready
To release

So here I am
Sitting with my emptiness
And wondering
If sadness
Is my Universal truth

Wednesday, January 13, 2016


4:10 a.m.

As part of my ongoing quest for personal growth and enlightenment, I am part of an online community where the moderator posed the question, "Got a WORD for 2016?"  Without really thinking on it very deeply, I commented "Release".

So here I am, two weeks into the New Year, and I've got so much NOISE in my brain I can't for the life of me get back to sleep.  On a day when I really, really wanted more than three hours.  I'm thinking to myself, "This is awful!  What can I do to fix this?  How can I get to sleep?".  And my answer comes to me softly, like a whisper, "release" and then (when I ignore it) loudly, insistent..."RELEASE!".

Oh, okay.  So I haven't blogged in quite a while actually.  This happens when I allow life to carry me away, which clearly I have done.  Blogging is my release.  No wonder my brain is so clogged.

It's possible I have been afraid to release all that has been inhabiting my brain as of late.  One part fear of being vulnerable, one part fear of opening the floodgates, one part fear of the unknown (there's so much up there I'm not even sure what will come out!) and one part exhaustion (two parts exhaustion?).  

I chose "release" for my word for 2016 because I need to let go, of A LOT.  But "let go" is two words.  I could have gone with "dismiss" I suppose, but that's not exactly the right sentiment.  I want to feel, process and then let go.  So I think release is a good fit.

There is one thing I wanted to blog about earlier in the week but never found time to do.  So I guess I should start there.

Nexen loves to watch "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood".  It's actually a really great show for toddlers as it teaches a lot about how to deal with day to day toddler life in a fun and productive way.  There's an episode about going to school featuring the song "Grownups Come Back" which made a huge difference our day care drop offs.  This particular episode is about "Thank You Day" which, as you could guess, is about gratitude.  So there's a song which goes, "Thank you, for everything you do...thank you for (fill in the blank).  

At bedtime, Nexen starts singing the Thank You song and inserts things like, "Thank you for playing with me." and "Thank you for making me lunch."  But then he says, "Thank you for letting me cry." and "Thank you for letting me say no." and he repeats these two over and over again about 5 times.  So I find this interesting on a couple of levels.  First, he's noticed there are people who don't like for him to cry, and he clearly doesn't like the way that feels.  Or at least, he can appreciate the difference when I allow him to do so.  Second, there are people who don't allow him to say no.  This one is a little harder for me to figure out but I suppose it is about honoring his voice.

Certainly I don't capitulate each time he says no to something but I also am careful to choose my battles and try to foster a feeling of control over his choices.  I know a lot of adults (myself included) who have a lot of difficulty making decisions in their lives.  I suspect this can often be traced back to a lack of practice and opportunity to make one's own choices as they are growing-up and/or a general lack of respect for the child's choice when voiced.  Or the feeling of their voice/opinion not mattering because it is always overridden anyway.

Anyway that was an interesting happening in the life of child rearing that I'd wanted to memorialize and now I have completed that task.  My brain does, in fact, feel slightly less full.  Not sure that I could get to sleep yet though...still a lot up there.

So lets go back to what I need to release.  A number of things come to mind immediately.  Guilt.  Expectations.  Self-judgment.  Self-loathing.  Idealized "family".  That should be a good start.

1.  Guilt

I carry so much guilt I'm not sure how I even walk around half the time.  I feel guilty for pretty much everything I do.  I feel guilty if I sleep too much.  I feel guilty if I don't sleep enough.  I feel guilty if I eat too much.  I feel guilty if I take up too much space on public transportation or even just on the sidewalk (I'm usually toting at least two bags and two children, commonly a stroller, etc.).  Basically, I feel guilty for existing.  I feel super guilty if I do anything in my life which is not self-sacrificing.  If my action doesn't serve someone else...guilt.  If I take time to myself to draw, read, travel, watch TV, even eat sometimes...guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt guilt.

My countermeasure?  Building my self worth.  Believing I have a right to be happy.  Giving myself things and allowing myself things that I would give or allow others, to make them happy.  Of note:  giving myself and allowing myself these things often makes other happy as well.  But I have to remind myself, constantly, it's okay to be happy, it's okay to feel pleasure, it's OKAY to RELAX!

2.  Expectations

I have this completely unrealistic expectation that I will operate at a superhuman level at all times.  Not requiring sleep, food, comfort or support.  I have a correlated expectation that others will see that I am perfectly capable of all things at all times and not offer help, lest I be offended.

My countermeasure?  Humble myself.  Admit to being human, having limits, getting worn down.  Stop fighting against people being nice to me, wanting to help.  Of note:  this is more difficult than releasing #1.

3.  Self-judgment/Self-loathing

I'm going to go ahead and lump these together.  I know many people are their own worst critic.  But I am pretty ruthless.  I guess it's very tied in to the whole guilt thing.  But if I lose my cool and raise my voice at the children, I feel something very close to genuine hate for myself.  I am never looking good enough, acting nice enough, being smart enough.  Every action I judge and then usually hate.  Rarely do I give myself kudos for anything.

My countermeasure?  Be nice to me.  Talk back to myself in a positive way.  My impulse is to judge, so let that happen.  And then speak rationally, nicely, to myself and change the freaking script.  39 years I have told myself to focus on the negative.  When there isn't any?  Make something up.  So let's just change it up now.  Find the positive, even if it is minute.  Even if I have to make it up.  And use it to change my impulses.  Of note:  easier said than done.

4.  Idealized "Family"

Inevitably people with whom I talk ask me about having more children.  And I do have this dream where I meet a nice man, fall in love, and have however many more children time and finances allow and then we stay together to the end of our days.  I think I need to release this idea that a scenario like that will perfect my life.  I think it's harmful to me and the children and our current family structure to have this idea that makes our life seem flawed.  I know it isn't perfect but what is?  Throwing another man and more children into the equation?  It's just a whole other brand of difficult.

My countermeasure?  Enjoy now.  Treasure and value my life and the people and things that are in it just the way they are now.  Stop judging myself and my family against societal norms and just know that we are a great family.  We are whole and we are happy.  Just the way we are.  Families always grow and change, it's not that I am accepting status quo and not moving from it.  It's just that I need to stop making myself and my poor children feel like we are inferior or second class citizens because I am a single mother and they do not all have the same father.  We still live as a family, stand as a family and count as a family.

Okay, I think I'm purged for now.  This was good.  For me anyway.  And I will not apologize or feel guilty about it (of course I had to swallow an apology and fight the guilt).

5:19.  Sleep for an hour?