Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Morning's Muse-ic

Letters from the Past: February 25, 2010

This morning I took a little trip down memory lane and came across a letter I wrote to Abacus a little over a year and a half ago.  I thought it blog-worthy.  

Hi baby.  Today we had a mama-son day.  Sami stayed at Mom Mom's because we had our millionth snow day this winter.  But you wanted to stay with me and go to work.  We went to dinner at Hoof and Fin and you were hilarious.  I really enjoyed spending time with you even though you weren't on your best behavior at my work.

You are determined to get your ear pierced.  I posted an update on Facebook and was it was interesting to read the responses.  You know I'm inclined to let you do what you want and especially in terms of expressing your individuality.  Even though in this case it's largely because your sister has gotten her ears pierced.

Things have been a bit difficult for me this winter.  There were days when I felt like you and your sister were the only things I had in my life for which to live.  I share this because I know in your life you'll become depressed at certain times.  I want you to know how deeply I understand and hope you believe me when I tell you everything's going to be okay.

Here's the heart of the matter - the deeper you allow yourself to love, the more it's going to hurt when love changes.  But being open is the key to a fulfilling life.  There will be someone who never wants to hurt you, who only wants to love you.  And you'll likely go through many relationships before you find this balance.  The one thing I ask you is when you find her, don't let her go if you love her and she loves you back.  Even if on occasion you hurt each other by accident or by circumstance.  

I hope when the time comes you understand what I'm telling you.  I've known a lot of pain in my life, and there is NOTHING worse than not being able to be open to receive the love of the one person you'd really give anything to be with in the end.  It's a cruel twist of fate, these lessons in love, and I know you'll have plenty of your own but I just hope for you happiness like I shared with my Shawn and wisdom enough to see how to navigate through your emotions to come to a place of balance in order to find a way to maintain the love before it twists and turns away from  you.

Above all, listen to your heart and if she gives you hers, listen to hers too.  There's music to be heard.

I love you,

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I just need to get it out

Wednesday Morning

Good morning, Brain.
Good morning, Heart.  Well, you've really gone and done it now, haven't you?
Are you happy with yourself?
No, not at all.  But where were you in all this?
Oh, believe me, I was busy warning you as always.  As always, you chose to ignore me.
This loneliness is so vast.
I know.  But we're doing the right thing now.  I know how hard it is for you to let go.  I'm very proud of the strength you showed last night.
Thank you.  But would I have not felt more full waking-up next to him this morning?
No.  His presence is a placebo.  You know he will just leave and go home to her.  The happiness you feel when he is with you only amplifies the sadness you feel when he has gone back to her.
Oh Brain, how did I not see this coming?  Everybody warned me.
Because, my Heart, you are too trusting and giving and sincere where others are not.
Brain, I long for him.
You will.  Every day for the rest of your life.
*sigh*  I know I am strong, but I feel weak.
All the more reason to stay away from him.
This is such the antithesis of what I saw coming.
No, Heart, you are never able to see these things coming.  You just throw yourself all in and then, after, you look back and understand how things could have been different.
I know.  I was so attracted by his foresight.  And ability to plan.
And he was likely attracted by your impetuousness.  Looks like you won.
Funny, I don't feel much like a winner.
Heart, let me explain something to you.  I have never understood you, for all my intelligence and logic, you have always defied me.  Yet I admire that you are so strong that no matter what is thrown at you in life, you find a way to love again.  And with such reckless abandon it dizzies me sometimes.  For all we have been through, and all we have yet to achieve in our life, I stand behind you one hundred percent.  Even when you are foresaken by all others.
Thank you, Brain.  I am lucky to have you.  Thank you for not abandoning me.
How, dear Heart, could I ever do that?  There is no other love such as yours.
Well, there is one.
We will see about that.