Monday, July 18, 2011

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

Tonight I write to you of love.  In this most wonderful, complicated, fleeting, amazing state of being, commonly known as living, there is one feeling to rule all feelings.  This feeling is love.  Love is the creator of many beautiful things.  Don't believe me?  Just look in the mirror.  

I am sorry that the love your father and I shared for each other was not sustainable.  I am not sorry for the love we did share, however, because it brought the two of you into this world.  And despite the loss of our love for each other, our love for you has never wavered, nor will it ever.  I believe you know this in the very deepest, darkest corners of your hearts and minds, and I believe that is why you are unafraid to love and express love yourselves.

I am here, as your mother, to offer many things.  I do my best on all counts, and I hope you can feel that always.  Every day you show me things about life, love and myself, that I am so grateful I am present enough to see.  And I am sorry for all the lessons which have gone unnoticed, due to my preoccupation with less important things.

What am I showing you about love?  Surely you see happiness and strength on a daily basis through my love and your father's love for you.  But what about romantic love?  "Grown-up" love.  I don't know how much you should see and understand at your ages.  I am uncertain what you are internalizing and what is going over your head.  I am not always sure what I am even doing, what is right and what is wrong.

A common question, when one first begins to dabble in this arena, is "How do I know it's love?".  And I will represent to you that if you have to ask that question, it is not love.  When you are in love, every cell in your body trembles with it.  Every thought in your head screams it.  Every second of every minute of every hour of every day is saturated with it.   

There are, however, different types of love.  And, just to confuse things further, different stages of love.  I will address these items with more specificity at a later date.  Tonight, I am about ready for bed, and just want to release these last couple thoughts.

The biggest reason your father and I split-up is because I wanted you to always have what love should be as your example of romantic love, not what it shouldn't be.  I never subscribed to the "do as I say not as I do" mentality.  Yes, I was unhappy, but I am able to withstand personal unhappiness for the greater good.  But thinking of you, in the future, persisting in a relationship where you were unhappy because that was how I showed you to live, that motivated me to let go.

I have more to say but I am falling asleep.  I took you to the sprinkler park to tire YOU out, but it seems I tired myself out as well.  I will succumb to sleep before it abandons me.  I will complete my letter and thoughts a bit later, I hope.


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