Day Thirty-Eight: 02/07/2019

 02/07/2019

6:27 p.m.

    What a difference a day makes!  Also, I did a lot of work.  Writing.  Reaching out to friends.  Exercise.  I even spoke at an open mic.  I went for a walk with my friend.  Turned the tide of thoughts regarding Drew back to positive and hopeful.  Went to see him.  Talked about a lot.  Talking still feels awful.  I still feel like my progress is wiped away in his eyes if I backslide, and I don't think that's fair.

    

    I need to explain that my mindstate fluxuates.  He is baffled by my inherent contradictions.  Prideful but self-loathing.  Stubborn but insecure.  He feels like they are opposing and/or mutually exclusive.

    I don't like when he makes callous, contradictory statements either.  I need, though, to focus on myself and my issues and not worry about him and whether he has any.  He blames any completely on me, so I get myself further along and the truth will reveal itself.

    As long as I love him, I need to make the choice to show up and stick it out.  Because, to him, my protecting myself and bringing my world back into balance is me deserting him.  Is me telling him with my actions that I don't love him.  That's not what it is for me, and maybe someday we can compromise.  Someday when I am able to speak my perspective in a way he will understand.  Or perhaps...

    My mind wandered and I forgot what I was going to say.  Dr. Jeanette is going to call soon for a Facetime therapy session.  I don't like needing people.  But I need her and I need Drew and I need my friends and I need my dear, sweet children.  It's still very hard to admit that I need people...

                                                                                                      💗 Mee