Day Forty-Seven: 02/16/1998, 02/16/2019, 02/16/2021

 So, I couldn't choose just one this time.  Here's all three, I think it makes a nice little retrospective.

February 16, 1998

I find myself at another one of those times in my life when each decision that I make is crucial.  Every change or every decision to keep things the same is a turning point of sorts.  What I want, what is best for me, what I should do, what I am doing...nothing is the same.  Nothing is constant.  The goals I have do not apply to right now, yet every decision I make right now affects those goals.  Once again, I am looking at a face I cannot remember.  Yet it is my own.

02/16/2019

2:14 am

    The truth is, my heart has always whispered, take a closer look.  My brain, in its attempt to protect my heart, seeks distraction.  Or is it my soul whispering and my heart seeking the distraction?

    In any event, distraction has gotten me to where I am today.  Where am I today?  Financially worse off than 10 years ago.  Emotionally not much further than 10 years ago.  Physically worse off than 10 years ago...

    I needed a deep dive, but my motivation was lacking and distraction abounded.  Then, in my distraction, Drew found me.  

    He found me and I fell in love but like an organ transplant my mind tried to reject him.  My body was ready to love him but my brain, my brain tried to gatekeep my heart and damn if it didn't almost work.

    So I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Nothing but thinking, in fact.  I need to make some major changes in my life.

    Work-life balance.  Education.  Parenting.  Mental and physical discipline.  Being a better girlfriend and lover.  Diet.  Domestics.  Find a new place to live.  Heal my relationship with my family.

    The only thing that isn't on that list which normally is, is drinking.  I really haven't been overindulging.  Since November when I didn't drink until the new year, I have mostly been okay.  No real hangovers, no missed work.  The one breakup was alcohol fueled but the situation was already bad so I'm not certain sobriety would have made a difference.

    Anyway, I need to try and get some sleep. Yay for Saturday though! 

02/16/2021

9:51 pm

"Plant a thought, reap an act.  Plant an act, reap a habit.  Plant a habit, reap a characer.  Plant a character, reap a destiny."

    I really feel like I am on my way to accomplishing great things.  Being mindful and acting with mindful intent directs my energy in positive ways and leaves me with little energy for negative things.  This journey is a blessing and I am happy to both be alive and feel like living.

I didn't hit all my goals today but I did listen to my body.

Today is good.  Tomorrow can be better.

                                                                                                        💗Mee