Day Ninety-Two: 04/02/2019

 I didn't want to do the same year, but it's the only April 2nd entry I have in my journals.  Oh well.

04/02/2019

5:34 a.m.

    Okay, so.  I am going to start.  Not sure how much I will get through in the time alloted, but I need to at least start.  I have been holding it all in for too long.

    

    It has been a tumultuous few days.  Even more so than usual.  I keep paging back through my journal for a point of reference and all I see is pain, some turmoil, and more pain.  And I get that I am not necessarily chronicaling the good parts.  But the bad parts are coming so much more swiftly.  It's all coming crashing down.  Good news is, we never let it get too high in the first place.

    I will go back to Friday because I don't remember how I was feeling Thursday morning.  I imagine I felt good, and I was going to write about how my feelings had shifted.

    In thinking about shifting feelings, my mind drifts to Dr. Jeanette and her inner child and inner sage theories.  I don't know if I've said it in this book, but I've spoken before about feeling like my inner child and D's innner child made a pact to love each other.  But, being children, they can only communicate when D and I allow them, and our hurt, angsty adult selves get in the way.

    

    But I digress.

    Actually, I am going to take a break and shower.  Hopefully I come back to this because I really, really need to reflect on all that's been happening over the past few days.

                                                                                                               💗Mee

The love

That lies within

It cries to him

Please

Stop killing me

9:11 a.m.

    So many thoughts in my head I had to stop on my walk to work.  I realize why this relationship has been so damn hard.  Because we've been fighting over a wall this whole time.  My wall.  My boundary defense system.

    I let him in a little.  Then quickly try to rebuild.  Brick by brick he worked on getting that wall down but to me at times it felt like an assault.  After a time I worked on breaking the wall down from my side.  It was hard work and I hated it.  I feel unsafe so much of the time and I swear my wall protects me.  But when I am in his arms I feel no need for a wall.  It's the strangest thing.  But then by contrast, when his arms are closed to me I need to build twice as fast.  I'm exhausted.  I think he's probably exhausted too.

    I've forgetten how to feel safe in the world by myself.  Or perhaps I never knew.  I don't know what I want again.  I don't know what I am doing.  But I am so very tired of all the pain.  So very, very tired.

                                                                                                                💗Mee.