Dear Nexen,

There is a quiet beauty in your existence, I have come to know this as Truth.  When you smile at me, I see a hundred colors so magnificent, which I have never seen before.  When you laugh, it as if I am being hugged by a rainbow and I find myself standing in a pot of gold.  When you sleep, I feel the peace of a thousand deep breaths, taken all once.  When you talk to me, I listen so intently, because your wisdom shines in your eyes.

Please know that every moment I am thinking of you and what is best for you and your sister and brother.  I am trying to feel my way through the most difficult situation of my life and my heart struggles between the desire to trust and love and the deep, deep burning pain of my last experience with trust and love.  And to make it even more complicated, it is all tied up together in an ugly, ugly package.

I am doing everything I can to make things right in our world.  And by doing that, I am honoring and respecting everyone else's world as well.  I am tired of making messes.  I am tired of not seeing.  I am tired of acting without considering everyone involved.  I am finished with being selfish.

There are people who do not understand what I am doing or why I am doing it.  These people are held captive by their immediate selfish desires and inability to see the big picture.  These people will hold my actions against me possibly for their entire lives.  I cannot be concerned with these things.  I will protect the Truth.  I will not allow the colors in your smile to be dimmed.  I will not allow the world to take away your laughter.  I will not be the cause of your inability to sleep peacefully.  I will not tarnish your innate wisdom with lies.

I will always be true to you and do what I feel is best, in the present, to preserve, protect and provide the greatest future.  I admit to certain weaknesses and I assure you that I work every day to guard against them and be the mother you need to grow into all of the amazing human potential you hold inside.  The amazing human I held inside and now hold, adoringly, in my arms.  I could never do anything to cause you harm and I promise you my decisions are not being made lightly.

The path I am taking is one of love and light.  I am not trespassing in a land of vengeance or tiptoeing around truths.  I am not shirking responsibility and playing games with the flawless and perfect hearts of my children.  I am not thoughtlessly and callously holding you hostage from some bright and beautiful world of love and acceptance.  I am protecting you, myself, Abacus and Samurai from those who have proven themselves untrustworthy.  Every moment, of every day, I pray to be shown the way.  My heart beats in rhythm with yours, to the tune of truth, to the melody of love, to the cadence of compassion.  As long as my heart shall beat, we shall dance together to this beautiful music, it is rapture, and together we live it.

Love,

Mama