Day Sixty-Seven: 03/08/2012

 03/08/2012

6:18 am

    I asked to meet with (His) wife.  She agreed.  I just want to know how she's doing since (He) and I started talking again.  What she thinks of his latest email.  I can't imagine she is okay with all his desires.  It doesn't matter if she is, because I am not.  But I would just like to know how she is doing.  I don't want to be causing more pain.

    I have been thinking obsessively.  Walking down the street crying again.  Is it a hormonal surge?  Full moon?  Or am I not doing enough?  I felt great last night and today...yesterday...not so much.  Why?  What has changed?  Nothing I can perceive at this moment.  Oh well, better get my day started.

    Oh, Abacus lost a tooth last night.  He wanted to sleep in my bed so he didn't crush the tooth.  Then he asked if I am the tooth fairy.  I admitted I am not.  He then asked if the tooth fairy would know where to find his tooth.  I said she'll always find it under the pillow of the child with the lost tooth.  So he moved the tooth and still slept in my bed.  Then he asked me to write a contract at work that he would sign stating he would sleep in his own room (except under certain conditions).  He's so funny.

    I love my children with all my heart.  I am trying to do what's best for them in life, it's just hard for me to see sometimes.  I have definitely reached a new level of awareness.

    (He) said in his letter he hopes we can be friends someday.  For brief, light encounters, I can be "friends" with Randall.  But I stopped loving Randy almost five years ago.

    There is a part of me that is still in love with (Him), despite everything.  This is why I am so afraid of him.  He is not the only one I do not trust.  I do not trust myself around him.  I'm not talking physically, my body completely is closed.  To nearly everyone now.  I couldn't even let Jodi hug me.  But my mind and my heart.  They are already too weary from the battle.  I need to allow them to rest confidently and build their strength.  I cannot allow them to be toyed with again.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

    I have enough shame to handle.