In the deep, dark cocoon of early morning, my waking thoughts continue to be of him. I still fall asleep every night with thoughts of him on my mind. It's no wonder I continue to dream of him. This feeling in my heart, however, continues to be supplanted by the reality of him.
He continues his desperate pleas for attention. Beginning with messages of love and begging for reconciliation and culminating with anger and blame. Sometimes it takes minutes for him to turn, sometimes hours. I am getting better at not checking. I am also getting better at not responding. Or, perhaps, it's only because it's a kid weekend. I do have a tendency to check first thing in the morning and then in quiet moments throughout the day. But this weekend Nexen has mostly kept me distracted. Of course, Adonis thinks I am attending to another man. I guess I appreciate how much he is showing me his inability to change. It makes it easier and easier to untangle my heart from his.
This is the latest installment. I want to answer but I am going to refrain...by answering it on here. Lol.
"A real relationship is the one where your love for your partner is much higher than your ego. Where your understanding of each other‘s feelings is greater than your conflicts. Where your emotional bonding is so strong that the fights cannot survive for longer than a few minutes. Where there is so much intimacy, honesty and freedom that there’s no room for jealousy. Where you respect each other‘s personal space where there’s no space for a third person to come in between. A real relationship is the one where the treasure and treat which of his heart as your own. A real relationship is not a struggle for control domination of power. It is a struggle for making your bond stronger and stronger each day with more love, peace and harmony. A real relationship as we’re both partners and at peace just by being with our children and where the conflicts of fights end up and each other’s arms."
That first sentence, this was true for me, not so much for him. Therefore, the relationship was real for me, and not for him. Which makes it false for both of us, but I couldn't or wouldn't see that.
That second sentence I worked to make true for me. And where I couldn't understand, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We see how that worked out for me.
Sentence three makes me laugh, because a) it's just stupid. Even with the strongest "emotional bonding", you can still have arguments that last more than a few minutes. And b) I am the one who tried to bring us emotionally closer, through couples counseling, and he is the one who refused to attend after two sessions when he "learned everything he needed to know".
Sentence four is impossible with him. I made love to him more than 10 times over the course of our last day together and he STILL texted another woman that he wanted her while I was lying in bed waiting to make love to him. And even before that, I could be in his bed with him the entire weekend but if I picked up my phone to check a message he would become upset. Of course, now I understand why. He thought I was capable of doing what he is capable of doing, which I am not, nor will ever be.
Sentence five is a contradiction in and of itself. Respecting space is exactly where the room comes in, but it's the trust and love that you have for each other which maintains this space peacefully.
Sentence six is hilarious. If he is telling me all these things because he thinks I am the one who dishonored these "relationship tenets" then his delusion could not be more grandiose. I absolutely held his heart carefully and never even thought of doing any of the things he was doing, thought of doing, would eventually do (it seems obvious to me now), or that he accused me of doing because he was insecure about what he himself was doing.
Control or domination of power? I don't even know what he's talking about here. I never did anything in that relationship in the least bit controlling or dominating. I am at a loss. Again, maybe he's thinking of his own actions and projecting them on to me.
This is also a weird, contradictory sentence. A struggle to make your bond stronger with peace, love and harmony? Just, what?
And the final sentence. Really ties it all together. "A real relationship as we’re both partners and at peace just by being with our children and where the conflicts of fights end up and each other’s arms" First of all, horrible grammar. Second of all, "our children"? Um. We didn't have any child together, much less children. I know (now) this is the root of a lot of his malcontent and insecurity. Why he wanted me to be pregnant right away. Because he couldn't stand that I had kids with other men and not him.
My darling Adonis, take these relationship tenets and feed them to someone else. Stand by them, be true to each other, enjoy your children. I am getting off this ride.
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