Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Ten

I woke-up this morning and he was the second thing on my mind.  I am very proud of this, although I do have pressing matters to stress about, which is what was on my mind first.  My oldest son's girlfriend is moving-in with us this weekend.  Into our two and a half bedroom, one bathroom apartment.  I just enjoyed what may possibly be my last weekend of solitude for a while.

But, I am clearly improving.  I went a week without writing on here and I went a few minutes without thinking of him when I first woke-up.  He remains the last thing I think about when I go to sleep though.  I will work on that too.

I have made great strides over the past week.  In part because of the app I am using for self-improvement.  It really is helping me a lot.  Also, I have been praying a lot.  While my affiliation with any particular religion remains fragmented, my relationship with G-d has been healed.  There was a quote in one of my readings for that app which really opened things up for me mentally with regard to letting-go of Adonis.

 This quote just really put everything into perspective for me.  Though friends would tell me how immature his behaviors were, I didn't realize the significance until I read this.  I don't have thirty years to wait for his viewpoint to catch-up to mine.  I really don't.  As much as I love him, I don't want to continue to struggle with this gap in our mindset.  And for me, I would have accepted his behavior at the age of 20 and forgiven him.  I cannot do that now, nearing 50.  I want something different than I did then, I believe in more than I did then.

I sent him an email with this quote, and let him know that I still love him, but have to let him go.  And then I filtered his email to "delete".  It was a big, important step for me.  And I wasn't strong enough to do it, until the day I did.

Since then, I admit to checking my trash.  I did notice that he sent a number of emails, but I didn't really read them.  I rescued them from trash though, and put them in my Adonis folder.  He only emailed that one day.  He hasn't sent any since.  So hopefully, we are both moving on.

He is still the one on my mind.  I am still in love with him.  I still possess a weak spot I am trying desperately to strengthen before it can be tested.  I am nearly finished my puzzle.  I did go out Friday night with a friend.  I had about four drinks more than I planned, but I was safe and got home safe and behaved like a woman in love with a man who wasn't with her.  And I didn't call Adonis!  I am greatly relieved by all of those things.

I spent the weekend resisting my urge to contact him.  I feel like one moment of hearing his voice would bring so much relief and joy.  And then I think about what he was doing, all the while I felt closer to him and more in love with him and dedicated to him than I had ever before.  I don't even need to look at the screenshots anymore.  Although they are pretty much memorized anyway.  All I have to do is remember.  And the way he treated me after.  Lie after lie after lie.  And the urge goes away.  I have to walk away from this.  I cannot be with a man who cannot see me.  It doesn't matter how much I love him.  I am too old to have the patience necessary.  I showed him all my cards, offered him all of me, and he looked past or behind or ahead...he looked everywhere but at me.  If he had seen me, he would have been able to see and accept my love and devotion.  

I, too, am complicit.  I didn't see him.  Again, I looked everywhere but at what the man was showing me.  I looked at the past, the future, but not at him.  If I had looked at how he was behaving, I would have been able to see his obvious deception.  But that's okay.  I saw it in the end, didn't I?

The end.  That's what this is.  Now if I can just get my heart to believe it, and my body to accept it, I can end this heartbreak diary.  I will be healed.