Diary of a Hearbreak: Entry Seven

 The doorbell rang last night.  I ran downstairs in the hopes that it was him, even though my brain wants nothing more to do with him.  My heart and my body would have melted, relieved, into an embrace in that moment.

It was an Amazon delivery person, and no, the package was not for me.

 There was also a phone call from a number I did not recognize.  I was in the shower so I didn't get to it.  There was no message.  Part of me wishes I had answered, just so I could hear his voice again.  Of course, it probably wasn't even him.  But even now, I just want so much to call and speak with him.  But it's 3:49 a.m.  Nothing good happens when you start making decisions after 3 a.m. and before, say, 6:00 a.m.

Yesterday morning...well, two mornings ago now, I asked him (in an email) for some patience and time for my heart to heal.  I went about my work day and then went home and made a delicious salmon dinner for Abacus and myself since Sami is still at my sister's house (she doesn't like salmon) and Nexen was at his dad's (he doesn't like salmon).  After dinner I had two long phone calls with friends, my weekly with Byron and then a surprise conversation with Frank.  

I really don't like talking on the phone but I needed the distraction and I didn't have to talk much on the call with Frank anyway.  After the calls it was late and I went straight to bed.  In the morning, I found he sent me a series of emails which started with stating he has all the patience and love and ending with this was all my fault, that I "plotted and planned" the whole thing.

Because I signed him up on Plenty of Fish and forced him to text women, asking to get together, while I gave my heart and mind and body to him?  I'm not sure how his mind is creating this scenario successfully, but I do know that it's helping me see my choice to walk away is the right one.

Yesterday morning I wrote and mailed my letter to his mom.  I put my whole heart and truth in it.  I realize she may not read it.  It will hurt if it gets returned to sender.  But that's okay.  I'm on the outside now, he has shut me out of his heart and family.  He feels he needs to, I am sure.  Maybe he does, for my sake as much as his.

I just pray, if I fall in love again, I fall in love with a man who has faith in my love and is rigorously honest.  I will be the same, faithful in my love to him and rigorously honest.  That's a very strong foundation for a successful union, in my book.

For now, I just pray to be released from the hold Adonis has over my heart, body and mind.  I pray to be free of my connection to him, especially since it seems to only be hurting both of us right now.  And I pray to get better sleep, as lack of sleep addles my mind and weakens my resolve!