He showed-up at my work today. We have glass doors so I saw him. I pretended not to, even though he saw me see him. He sat down to wait. I called the front desk and asked them to tell him whatever he had he could just leave, that I didn't want to see him.
He waited out front. One of the guys told me. I snuck out the back door.
I came home and watched a sad movie. I decided to call him, to tell him to leave me alone. When he tried to speak, I screamed at him that he has no right to speak to me. I screamed and cried for a few minutes. I told him what Nexen had said, in his truck he let me borrow, on the way to his house that fateful day. Then I hung-up.
A dear friend from an old job texted. Her thinking of me fortified me. I keep being reminded how blessed I am. How many beautiful people I know who have shared their love and their lives with me. I am not a garbage person. I do not need to keep people in my life who treat me like trash.
I just have to keep reminding myself.
There remains a part of me that wishes I could have amnesia so I could be blissfully happy in his arms again. But I just keep reminding myself, it wasn't real. It wasn't real. Which hurts each time I remember, but living a lie hurts far more.
My puzzle is still in its shrink wrap. But I will open it tomorrow and begin. Tonight, however, I need food, or rest, or both.
I am, however, proud of myself for not bringing home any alcohol or other to ease this pain. Or staying out somewhere now that restaurants are open again. I belong here, in my home, healing and grieving. The old me, the pre-Adonis, would not have made this choice. So here, once again, I am thankful.
And I will go to sleep with love, gratitude, pain, and sadness in my heart. And I wish my former love a good night as well. And a good rest of his life.
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