Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Two

 So sleep remains elusive.  I can usually fall asleep, exhausted, around 9 or 10 p.m.  But I wake-up a few hours later with this stabbing pain in my chest.  Oh, right, that's my broken heart.

I don't really wonder why as much as I don't understand how.  How could he so thoroughly and consistently do the ONE thing I begged him not to do to me.  How could he not be willing to let go of all those girls when he knew I was hot on his trail?  How could he LET ME SEE THAT??  A simple change of his password.  We would have had another issue, because I would know in my heart he was lying to me.  But to do nothing to keep my heart safe from this complete devastation is just so fucking callous and cold.

I guess the real question is how could I have not seen.  Again.  How could I keep going back, again and again, KNOWING in my heart 1 and 1 was equaling 3.  But I wanted SO MUCH to believe the words he was telling me instead of the truth being shown to me.  And the sick part?  There's still part of me that wants to believe in the love we had.

But look how one-sided it was.

I just keep looking at the photographs.  That face, my man's face...all his words...to them...we look so hot together, I want you, do me, please let's get together ASAP, I want to kiss those lips...Chrissy, Kim, Deanna...

I forget to breathe because part of me doesn't want to live in this world without my baby.  But he never really was all those things he said.  I thought he was mine.  But clearly he never really gave me his body, heart, mind and future the way I gave him mine.

So I find a way to breathe.  And wait for the pain to subside.  But there's moments when I don't think it ever will.  And there's the moments when I KNOW it never will.  This is never going to stop hurting me.  But eventually it will hurt less.  And eventually, it will not be the ONLY thing on my mind, and in my heart.  I just have to be patient.  And fill in those rips and tears and jagged places of my heart with love for myself and the knowledge that I did absolutely everything I could to show that man my love for him.  I am not responsible for the fact that he couldn't see, feel and accept it.  Someday, I will be whole again.  Someday.