I just want to call him and see how his day went. And tell him about mine. My heart is heavy with this longing. With this desire for connection. I wish one moment in his arms could erase all the hurt, because my heart wants that to be the way forward. But my brain reigns supreme. I have not let her rest, not let her succumb to drugs or alcohol for precisely this reason. I don't want to allow my heart to lead right now. Not until my heart has healed and can lead us away from this disaster of a relationship.
But I am not there yet. And so, I wait. I continue to work on creating positive habits. I watch the ounces drop from the scale. I celebrate these little victories as if they mean something big. I know they don't. Because the person who was my everything to me has stricken himself from my life through his behavior. And in the shadow of that loss the scale disappears entirely.
I want to sever this connection. I want to free myself from this tether. But I am just not there yet. And so I struggle through my days. And so I cry sporadically for apparently no reason. And so I write. I write to remember. I write to forget. I will always love him. And I have no regret.
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