Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Letting Go

"Complications of the Heart"

I started this drawing what feels like lifetimes ago.  It was possibly even a blog ago, but I'm too lazy to go back and look (besides, I'm really supposed to be working).  I think I mentioned back then I never wanted this drawing to be finished.  I started it at such a happy time in my life.  I was in love with the man of my dreams, at a time when I dared not dream.  Against all odds I fell, hard and fast.  Too hard and too fast for my tortured self to handle.  Over the days and weeks and months I spent working on this piece there was fight after fight after fight.  Each one feeling worse than the last.  And this went on for six months after we officially broke-up.

After the last fight I wanted to tear this drawing apart.  Just rip it to shreds the way I felt my heart had been handled.  I am so glad that I didn't.  I am more resilient, my heart is more resilient.  It felt like dying because a part of me which had been so alive, so in love, did exactly that.  But I am so much more than the part that died.  Not only that, but my love, the love I have for him, that can't ever die.  I will hold it and cherish it for the rest of my days, for all the beauty and realization, creativity and inspiration, growth and maturation it brought to my life.  Through him and the love he once shared with me I made great strides in becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.

And so, as may be quite obvious to followers of this blog, it has been difficult for me to let go.  But here, finally, in declaring this drawing finished, in completing the most difficult marathon I've yet to run, in taking action instead of waiting and reacting, in accepting all that's come to pass along with the unknowns of the future, I'm letting go.

It's still an uphill battle for me but if I've learned anything in my lifetime, it's that things are always going to get harder.  And I will always rise to the challenge.  Because that's just the kind of woman I am.

No comments:

Post a Comment