Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Silly Me

I found myself thinking feeling like I don't want to be around people.  But that took me to such a lonely place.  And I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself.  I found myself feeling since he didn't want to be around me, didn't want to know me anymore, I must not be worth knowing.  Silly me.

I reached out tonight.  I called friends, old and new.  And you know what?  They wanted to be there for me.  They wanted to hear me cry (okay, maybe they didn't want to, but they didn't leave me hanging either).  They wanted to see me.

I love my friends.  And I love that they allow me to tell them that as much as I want.  They allow me the room to be who I am, instead of carving out a spot into which I have to fit myself.  And they tell me I've been acting stupid, yet they've never once said that's what I am.  And still, all these months, I've been ignoring them and following my heart.  Or really more like scooping it out and throwing it at a basket which is not only way too high, but vigorously defended.  Silly me.

It's just that I made that shot once.  And it felt so good.  And I've spent a year chasing that feeling.  But the basket went further and further away.  And the defense got tougher and tougher.  But still, I think to myself, practice makes perfect.  I can make it again, I just know it.  Silly me.

The worst part?  If I had the chance, I'd still try to make it in.  No matter how high it gets, no matter how vigorously it's defended, I believe if I try hard enough, I can make it happen.  And I'll always believe that it's worth it, all that effort.  I'll always believe, and I'll always put my heart out there.  Silly me. 

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