Samurai and Abacus Taming the Wild Beasts

Reflections

You broke me
Into a million pieces
So stealthily
I didn't even know
Until I tried
To touch
The truth
And found
My reality
Was a reflection
You constructed
Just for me
To see

When I touched
The truth
The image
Rippled away
And I saw
All that was underneath
And it was ugly

The thing is
I know myself
And my strength
So I reassembled
Those million pieces
And in the process
Of putting myself
Back together
I found
I am stronger
With my new
Pieces of you
I needed
To become
Whole
Again

And now
Here I am
Today
Wholly new
Newly whole

But I
Admit
I have
My weaknesses
And so
I must
Stay away
From you
Lest
I break apart
Again

< / 3

Thanks

I am not so naive
As to think
No one
Has ever loved
Like this
Before

I am not
So naive
As to think
No one
Has ever
Been hurt
Like this
Before

This fact
Does not
Invalidate
What I am going through
Quite
The opposite
In fact

Throughout history
The pain
The suffering
Of humankind
Has been a bridge
To connect
Our souls, bodies and minds

In my pain
Desperation
Isolation
I do the one thing
I would never do
Otherwise

I reach out
I connect
And I find
Myself
Inspired
By the beauty
Of my friends
And family

I find
Myself
In awe
Of all
That surrounds me

I may not
Be saying
Thank you
To him
But I do
Say thank you
To the universe
For its bounty
And the opportunity
To see
And the humility
To accept
And the people
Whose love
Is so true
And unconditional

Thank you

Morning Muse-ic

Dear Nexen,

There is a quiet beauty in your existence, I have come to know this as Truth.  When you smile at me, I see a hundred colors so magnificent, which I have never seen before.  When you laugh, it as if I am being hugged by a rainbow and I find myself standing in a pot of gold.  When you sleep, I feel the peace of a thousand deep breaths, taken all once.  When you talk to me, I listen so intently, because your wisdom shines in your eyes.

Please know that every moment I am thinking of you and what is best for you and your sister and brother.  I am trying to feel my way through the most difficult situation of my life and my heart struggles between the desire to trust and love and the deep, deep burning pain of my last experience with trust and love.  And to make it even more complicated, it is all tied up together in an ugly, ugly package.

I am doing everything I can to make things right in our world.  And by doing that, I am honoring and respecting everyone else's world as well.  I am tired of making messes.  I am tired of not seeing.  I am tired of acting without considering everyone involved.  I am finished with being selfish.

There are people who do not understand what I am doing or why I am doing it.  These people are held captive by their immediate selfish desires and inability to see the big picture.  These people will hold my actions against me possibly for their entire lives.  I cannot be concerned with these things.  I will protect the Truth.  I will not allow the colors in your smile to be dimmed.  I will not allow the world to take away your laughter.  I will not be the cause of your inability to sleep peacefully.  I will not tarnish your innate wisdom with lies.

I will always be true to you and do what I feel is best, in the present, to preserve, protect and provide the greatest future.  I admit to certain weaknesses and I assure you that I work every day to guard against them and be the mother you need to grow into all of the amazing human potential you hold inside.  The amazing human I held inside and now hold, adoringly, in my arms.  I could never do anything to cause you harm and I promise you my decisions are not being made lightly.

The path I am taking is one of love and light.  I am not trespassing in a land of vengeance or tiptoeing around truths.  I am not shirking responsibility and playing games with the flawless and perfect hearts of my children.  I am not thoughtlessly and callously holding you hostage from some bright and beautiful world of love and acceptance.  I am protecting you, myself, Abacus and Samurai from those who have proven themselves untrustworthy.  Every moment, of every day, I pray to be shown the way.  My heart beats in rhythm with yours, to the tune of truth, to the melody of love, to the cadence of compassion.  As long as my heart shall beat, we shall dance together to this beautiful music, it is rapture, and together we live it.

Love,

Mama

Hurt

I remind myself
The pain is temporary
I remind myself
It will get easier with time
I remind myself
Again and again
Just as I try to forget

Maybe not forget
But keep you in your place
Which is in the past
That stronghold of happy memories
Tainted by time
And an alternate reality
Truer than the one that was in my head

I hurt today
Because of him
And him too
And they don't understand
Because they never loved me
The way that I love them

So all of my feelings
Emotions
Are incomprehensible to them
Superfluous, even
It doesn't matter
What I say
They just come around
Whenever they feel
Regardless
Of how it impacts my day

With him
I couldn't let go
It was my own fault
I just kept trying
To make things work
A different way
When there was only one truth
And that is I love him
And would do anything for him
And it's impossible
To be friends with someone
When that
Is how you truly feel

In the end
I was so hurt
I contemplated
My own end
Seriously
It was the only time
I ever went quite so far
With those sorts of thoughts

That hurt
Has faded
But my feelings
Never did
And so
Again
I ask
Please
Just stay away

Then with him
It was just madness
An entire
False reality
Culminating
In a very real
Very tragic
Consequence

Even though
The face of tragedy
Is perfect
And adorable
Its weight
Is nearly impossible
For me to carry
It takes everything
Absolutely every last reserve
To make my life work
Right now

Yet he reads my strength
As some sort of vengeance
And attacks me
With his demands
Instead of listening
And realizing
Everyone could get along
So much easier
If he could put others before him
For once


I remind myself
The pain is temporary
I remind myself
It will get easier with time
I remind myself
Again and again
I pray that I can forg(iv)et