Last Night

My children have been painting since they were babies.  As younger children they would have a tendency to get very messy while painting and most of the time I would just allow them to paint naked rather than have to wash them and their clothing.  They would inevitably paint each other, full body style, after which they'd end-up in the bath while I cleaned up after them.

As they got older I introduced them to more professional types of paint.  I explained to them that it is not the same as the kid paint and under no circumstances are they to treat it as such, i.e., paint each other with it and otherwise waste it.  They have adhered to my rules for the past two years and as a result I have them allowed them more freedoms (like leaving them downstairs to paint while I do some work from home on my computer).  Well, last night they forgot themselves and decided to get naked and paint each other, head to toe, with my good, acrylic ($25.99/tube) paint.

Well, when they called me down to look at them, knowing how I would always laugh and compliment them on their artwork when they did it with their paint, they were very surprised when I yelled at them.  I try not to yell at them very often and when I do, and it's really unwarranted or just overblown, I always apologize.  Well this time I was delayed in my apology, and after carrying them into the bathtub to get washed up I went in my bedroom to cool down.  I overheard the following conversation:

Sami:  "Mama hates us."

Ab:  "We're horrible children."

Sami:  "She didn't even apologize to us for yelling like she usually does."

Ab:  "That's because we deserved it."

*sobs*

Ab:  "Let's clean the bathtub so she doesn't have to."

Sami:  "Yeah, and we'll clean the rest of the bathroom too."

Ab:  "We can have a cleaning company."

Sami:  "Yeah and we can call it..."

Ab: "Just Like New"

Sami:  "Yeah, Just Like New."

Then they actually did proceed to clean the entire bathtub (which was a considerable task because they were covered head to toe in paint) and were about to clean the rest of the bathroom when I stopped them and told them to get ready for bed instead.  But I thanked them for the cleaning job and gave them a brief refresher course in the reasons why we don't use Mama's paint in the same way we are allowed to use the kids' paint.  

I reassured them of my undying love and devotion and further reminded them that doing a bad thing doesn't make them bad people.  Mistakes are absolutely allowed and as long as we make an honest effort to learn from them, they can actually be an important tool for personal growth.

I don't feel good about yelling at them the way I did but it was very interesting to overhear their dialogue and witness their willingness to take responsibility for and even clean up the mess they made, and then even find a way to enjoy the self-imposed punishment.

I wonder if they learned as much as I did last night. 

Conversations with Abacus

Abacus:  "Mama, when are we going to have the sex talk?"

Me:  "Um.  Do we need to have the sex talk?  Do you have questions about something?"

Abacus:  "Well, I think I know what the sex talk is.  It's like talking about where babies come from."

Me:  "Actually, you have a pretty good idea of where babies come from.  It's more about how babies are made."

Abacus:  "Okay, I'll let you know when I'm ready for that talk."

Me:  "Okay."

Birthing from Within

So this blog is actually about birth and birth art but I was listening to Pandora when I pulled up the first scan which was Samurai's piece she titled, "Door to Bright" and this song came on and it was too perfect of a moment to not share.

Anyway I love the book, "Birthing from Within" by Pam England and it is the book I am using to conduct my own little birth class with my two little birth partners.  We did some birth art exercises last night.  First we did drawings entitled "Facing Fear" and then we did "Door to Birth", which Sami unwittingly but beautifully changed her title to "Door to Bright".  

Samurai actually copied her door to birth off of mine, and I hope she does continue to model her attitude toward birth after mine.

We did the "Facing Fear" exercise first and I think that Abacus was still a little caught up in his birth fears when we worked on our "Door to Birth" drawings because it is still largely about death.  And by the way Abacus is confused about what a Vbac actually is, he thinks it is a Caesarean birth, which is one of his fears (see below).  Anyway inside his door to birth he actually drew the stages of human development.  First is the baby, not mobile, second is the crawling baby, third is the walking baby, fourth is the toddler, fifth is the teenager, sixth is the adult and last is the old man.

Samurai's "Facing Fear" drawing depicts me in the hospital having a Caesarean.  Abacus is interestingly drawn smaller than Samurai who is covering her eyes.

Abacus drew his two biggest fears.  First he drew me dying in childbirth.  All of the red shooting out of his body is tears.  "I will be crying a lot."  Second is me having a Caesarean birth.  He is still crying but not as much.

Clearly I need to show them some videos of natural births.

It is important to explore our fears though so we are all aware of how we feel and are able to properly support each other.  I am very proud of my children being willing to face and express their fears and further being willing, able and excited to be my birth partners.

Now

I am not throwing stones

I am mending broken bones

Wait

It wasn’t sticks and stones

That broke my bones

It was your words

Your actions

That hurt me

My bones are fine

But

My heart is broken

My brain screams

To let you go

But I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know how

I shut you out

And you scream from the inside

I want you back in my life

But I have too much pride

I want you back in my life

But the sobbing won’t subside

I want you back in my life

But I’m tired of hurting

I’m exhausted from living

This kind of life

Where I can’t trust anyone

But

Thanks to you

I now trust myself

Because I’ve finally come clean

I never understood

What it really was to lie

To others

To myself

I never understood

The damage I was doing

To others

To myself

I never understood

The pain I was capable of causing

Until I set myself free

To love someone completely

And they betrayed me

Completely

I want to let go

I want to forgive

But I’m not ready

Because first I need to live

In a place

With people

I can trust

And love

And stay there

Long enough

To be safe

From you

And to think

I once felt safer

Than any other place

Ever in my life

When I was in your arms

And all that time

I was being comforted

By lies

By deception

What you did to me

Makes me sick

Every time I think of it

Every time I think of you

So why

Why

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

And no

It is not lost on me

That someone

Right now

Feels this very same way

About me

I died a thousand deaths

In a thousand different ways

And still I am breathing

So I have to go on

I have children to raise

And baby to grow

And a world of wonder

That someday I may know

If only I can forgive myself

If only I can forgive you

If only I can forgive myself

If only I can forgive you

If only I can forgive myself

If only I can forget you

I don’t ever want to forget what I’ve done

But I do want to continue to grow

So I need to let go

I need to let go

I want to be in that place

Where you don’t matter to me

I no longer feel anger

I no longer feel love

I just respect you as the human being that you are

And I love you for being human

But nothing more

Nothing more

No one

In my life

Ever

Knew everything

Until you

I do not regret

Trusting you

Because I discovered

My capacity to love

Is far larger

Than I had ever

Given myself the chance

To understand

To have loved

The way I loved

Is unbelievable

It’s like fairytale

Until the part

Where you find out

He never loved her back

And then

Then the story

Becomes quite real

There is nothing for me to do

But feel my way out of this

There is no more running

There is no more hiding

There is just turning around

And facing all my demons

And shouting

It’s now or never

Slay me now

Or you will never

Ever

Get another chance

Because soon

I will be purged

And I will emerge

A woman who has done bad things

But is no longer bad

A woman who cannot be judged

Because she no longer

Judges

Herself

A woman who is tired of hurting

Herself

And other people

A woman who will not run

Or hide

From anything

Ever

Again

A woman who loves herself

First

And everyone else

After

And by living

In this way

All she will have to give

Is love

No more anger

No more fear

No more hurt

No more judgment

Just love

And I see her now

And I will be her

Just wait and see

She will be Mee

Fear

We live in a society ruled by fear and it disgusts me.  I don't want my children growing-up afraid to walk down the street.  Tonight, at 6:00 p.m., I allowed my eight year old son to walk two blocks to Wendy's, to get himself a frosty and fries, and return to my office.  I asked him if he wanted me to walk a block behind him, so he would feel safe but still be independent.  He said he wanted to go alone, he had my phone and knows the way.

He walked there with no incident.  He called me on the way to say he was fine.  But once he got in the Wendy's the patrons freaked out that he was in there by himself and got a nearby police officer involved who detained him and summoned me to pick him up where the officer proceeded to berate me in front of the restaurant and loudly advise me he would be reporting me to DHS.

Here's the problem I have.  If the officer was so concerned for his safety and well-being, why didn't he escort my son the two blocks back to the office and talk to me there.  That's not what he was concerned with.  He was concerned with making the public feel that he'd admonished me properly.  He didn't care that my son ended-up in tears when he wasn't scared until he was detained by the police officer.  When I came in he made a point of very loudly stating that he could have been raped or killed in the two block walk to Wendy's.  

Well I for one do not feel safe that our police department feels that in two blocks, at 6:00 p.m., a child could be raped or killed just by walking two blocks down the street.  Perhaps if he spent time detaining criminals instead of eight year old children, the city would be a safer place.

If our society, instead of being horrified that a child is walking alone, just paid a little extra attention so that child felt safe, our society in general would be a safer and happier place.  I do not feel bad or stupid or negligent for allowing Abacus the chance to be independent.  I refuse to believe that at any given moment a horrible thing is going to happen.  I understand that it can, but I believe the more we are afraid the less we truly live.  I don't want to teach my children to live in fear and not believe in themselves.

Abacus is now scared of getting in trouble with the police and annoyed that people don't mind their own business. He said that if people didn't go up to the officer, the officer would've never even noticed him and he would've been back at the office without incident.  But he fully believes in his ability to walk down the street by himself in a reasonable neighborhood at a reasonable time of day.

Bad things are going to happen to us no matter how much we try to protect ourselves from them.  The best thing we can do for our children is increase their belief in themselves and their ability to handle difficult situations.  Allowing small amounts of independence at a time when they desire it is a fantastic way to do that.

The fact of the matter is I work really late.  I don't always have money for the bus or the patience to stand on a corner 30 minutes waiting for one.  So I walk.  Alone.  All the time.  At all hours of the night.  The chances of something happening to ME are far greater than the chances of something happening to him.  But I can't do anything to remedy that situation at this point in my life.  So what if something happens to me, and all my son knows is that he's only safe if I'm around?  I don't even want to think about that.

My son needs to believe in himself.  Right now, at this point in his life, he DOES.  He believes in his abilities because I have always stood behind him and allowed him the independence to grow into that belief.  His little sister is very timid.  I haven't made her feel ashamed of it or that she has to try to change it.  That will come naturally.  But given that fact, it is even more important that her brother believe in himself.  If something happens to me, she will need him to know what he is capable of.  And my son is capable of doing anything he believes he can do.

If a child is taught their entire life they are only safe with a grown-up, then whatever grown-up they are with has power over that child whether they are good or bad.  If a child is taught their entire life they are safe when they feel safe, and if they don't, they need to get somewhere or around someone with whom they do feel safe, that child will always carry their own power.  In a situation where they are abducted they will not be afraid to run away, to cross the street, to get somewhere safe, around people who are safe.

I refuse to believe that I acted negligently or harmfully.  I did not force him to do something alone out of laziness or not caring.  It was a lot of work to not follow after, but I wanted to know I could trust him and I could trust society at large.  I'm glad people pay attention.  I wonder, if a bad person had tried to approach him, would those people have said anything then?  Or just watched and shook their heads at my negligence.

Happy Thanksgiving to Me

Where am I?

I am in a place
Where the only light
Is shining from the inside
Every day
I wake-up
In darkness
I can't see where I am
I can't see where I am going
So I close my eyes again
And find the light
And it guides me

Sometimes they are there
The little lights of my life
That came from inside me
And those mornings
Are a lot brighter
But these mornings
When all is dark around me
I wake-up
And remind myself to breathe

I am here
Just where I need to be
And it is the most painful place
I have ever been
And I am alone
And I am not looking to be comforted
Or distracted

It would be easy
To fall into a moment
Because those moments
Are exactly what caused this fall
It would be easy
To take comfort
In arms that used to hold me
And a voice
A voice that once spoke words
That made my heart take flight
It would be easy
To put away my defenses
And feel that love again
For even just one night

But the truth has burned my eyes
And scarred my soul
The truth has ripped my heart out
Beating from my chest
And with exacting coldness
Torn out that part he gave me
And replaced it with this mess

I work feverishly
To stop the bleeding
And heal my wounded heart
I intend to be reborn
To have another start
A new beginning
A chance to live free
Or maybe it's less of a rebirth
And more of an evolution
I will be the love I see
And I will not bother my eyes
With any more lies
Show me something real
Or just fucking leave me be