Fear and Surrender

I'm afraid
But I have to let that be okay
I'm afraid to tell you things
For fear of being rejected
For fear of judgment
For fear of looking or feeling stupid
I'm afraid to tell you things
Because I feel unimportant
And small
And worthless
I'm afraid to tell you things
Because the words might be wrong
It might be misinterpreted
Misunderstood
I hate stumbling over words
Not knowing how to turn a phrase
In a way that accurately elucidates my point
Mostly
I hate who I am sometimes
I feel ugly, bad, repulsive
And I don't want you to know that
Because I'm afraid you'll start seeing that too

I'm afraid
But I have to let that be okay
We walked through your house
The new construction upstairs
I don't know what goes through your head
As you view the old space
In its new form
I don't know what it looked like
What memories it held for you
But I know what went through my head
And I wasn't strong enough to tell you
But as I looked in each room
I pictured my children in that space
And then I pictured our child

I'm afraid
But I have to let that
Be okay
I was drunk
And high
And it's so hard
For me to speak
To open up
To let you the fuck in
And I get tired
Of life being hard
And I know others have it way, way worse
But instead of gratitude
I feel guilty
So I wanted to give up
I just wanted all of this difficulty
To be over
So I asked you to leave
And then I stayed in bed
Motionless
With my mind racing
And waves of sadness
Washing over me
And all I wanted
Was to be in your arms
And you
You opened them
You let me back in
And held me
While you slept
But I couldn't sleep
My mind
Was too full
Of gratitude

Thank you
For letting me back in
Each time
I've tried to shut you out

Thank you
For believing in us
Each time
I've felt I'm not enough

Thank you
For loving me
In this way
That wakes me up

Thank you
For sharing your strength
Your wisdom
Your compassion

Thank you
For holding me
And allowing me
These moments of happiness

I'm afraid
But I will let that be okay
Because my love is amazing
And I want to share it with you