Thursday, November 13, 2014

Dear Nexen,

A lot has changed this month. You seem to be adjusting well. I am not.

Tuesday, I yelled at you. You looked at me for a long moment, then your face bent, melted and you began to cry. The kind of crying that says, "I have no idea what just happened or where that came from." The kind of crying that says, "You hurt me Mama." I sighed. Deeply. I opened my arms and you snuggled in for a moment, and I whispered "I'm sorry", but then your sister opened her arms and you went to her and the two of you held each other until you both felt better.  I, on the other hand, did not get to feel better.

There is so much I need, which is not provided by my current life.  Enough money that my teeth unclench at night and my worries take a backseat to sleep.  Enough time that I don't feel every waking moment is a vortex which dumps me, unceremoniously, into my messy house at the end of the night with no energy to clean and no desire to fight the lack of energy.  Enough energy that instead of falling asleep when the sweet, deep breaths of sleeping children fill the air I can enjoy a few precious moments of silence, peace and yes, cleaning!  Enough peace that my emotional landscape changes from a fiery post apocalyptic nightmare to a beautiful, flowing river interrupted only by the sound of songbirds.

There is so much I have, which is not appreciated in my current state of mind.  Three amazingly beautiful children who have an incredible bond and truly enjoy each other...albeit sometimes the bond is hard to see for all the bickering and resentment passed around like a hot potato.  A job I enjoy which also serves our community and allows me the freedom and flexibility to enjoy being a mother too.  A place to live which is (literally) overflowing with generous gifts and donations from friends and family.  My (relative) physical health and that of my children.

I just, I get thrown off balance a lot.  It feels like every time I find my footing someone comes along and pushes me over, laughs in my face and says, "Ha, now try and stand back up."  Sometimes they even set-up swords and nails behind me so when I fall they know I will be so injured, I will not be able to get up without help.  And then they'll stand there with their hand out, calling me horrible names when I won't take their hand. But how can I grasp the hand of the person who set me up to fall?  How could I ever trust they wouldn't just let go and watch me fall...again?  Simply put, I can't.

Anyway.  I just want you to know that I love you.  Every moment I can't be with you, my heart is still filled with love for you.  Every moment I am physically with you, and my mind is a million miles away, my heart is still filled with love for you.  Every  moment I lose myself, I lose my connection to you and to the moment at hand, my heart. Is still. Filled. With Love.  For You.

And the more I write and get out what's in my head, the more I remember what's in my heart.  It's all that love I want to guide my life, none of that other stuff.  So when things are getting hard, I write about it.  Today I write to you.  Every day, EVERY. DAY. I love you.  And that's what I want to be bogged down with, not all of this other stuff.  And now, for this moment, I am.

Your loving Mama

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