Thursday, October 27, 2016

Visualization: One Year Future Perfect Dream

Back in March of 2014 I was part of a women's support group entitled "Single and Searching".  The focus of the group was dating, and although I wasn't interested in dating when I went in, I joined because I wanted some clarity on whether I should be dating or not.  I suppose it was an attempt to absolve guilt.  

Anyway, one of our assignments was to write our vision of a happy relationship.  I happened across the journal tonight in which I wrote on it, so I thought it would be fun to share it here.  Super shocking, I know, but I wrote it in poem form.

The quiet
Is the quiet of a busy house
Full of children
And laughter
And love

The quiet 
That is beautiful
In its rarity
And so fleeting
It's impossible
To miss

The smells
Of childhood
Playdoh
Crayons
And wooden blocks
Of adolescent boys
Of a fragrant 
Young flower of a female
Always eager to please
Just like her mother

The feel 
Of energy
The air itself
Moves faster
With the energy of youth
Combined
With the energy of new love

The view
An American masterpiece
A melting pot
Of features
Faces so familiar
And also strange

The taste
Of home cooked meals
Each a labor of love
Of children's boo-boos
Brought to your lips for those kisses
Which instantly make them all better
Of my new love's kiss
Who made my life all better

7:03 a.m.

If confusion
Is the beginning
Of understanding
Does understanding
Mean the end
Of confusion?

In beginning
To understand
My soul
Spins
Pirouette-like
(As opposed to dizzy-like)

In beginning
To understand
My heart
Bursts
Clearing blockages
Creating space

In beginning
To understand
My body
Remembers
All that is okay
And all
That is definitely
Not.

In beginning
To understand
My mind
Aches
And in a corner
Knows
Confusion
Was a safer place

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Because of you

(Him)

Because of you
Each time
I heard the word
"Love"
I felt pain
Sadness
Emptiness
Loneliness
Betrayal

Because of you
Each time
I thought
Perhaps
I could love again
The fear
The memory
The heartbreak
Flooded my brain
Drowned my desire

Loving you
Nearly killed me
And the aftertaste
Causes me to cringe
Even now

(DS)

Because of you
My bare skin
Tasted the salty
Frigid waves
Of the ocean
In October

Because of you
I will always
Have a Seoulmate
And confidante
A puddle jumping 
Wave leaping
Partner through life

I will always
Look forward
To the opportunities
To pause reality
And kick it with you

(M)

Because of you
I began to trust
At a time
When all I knew
Was how to run

Because of you
I found
My inner "no"
Which 
Heretofore
Had eluded me

I will always
Be thankful
For our time together

(T)

Because of you
...
(I am speechless)




Moments when I...

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Insomnia (Again)

1:45
...
2:45
...
3:45

If only I could stop this mind
Of mine
Slow the flow

It's been a week
Since I have slept well

So many things
Can change
Overnight

Yet
So much change
Takes a lifetime
To achieve

I'm not unhappy
But I'm not happy

I'm too selfish
But I don't care about myself at all

I feel alone
But I know you're there

I could use a hug
But now, more than ever, I don't want to be touched

*pouty face*

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Letting Go

The last thing
I want
To do

The only thing
I know
How
To do

I always have
A myriad
Of reasons
At the ready

But now
Now
I only
Need
One

It's time
To let go


Sunday, October 16, 2016

Unquiet

An unquiet mind
Desires to find
The key to unwind
Time
Place
Person(s)

My tears are quiet
And I drink them
The taste of sorrow
And pain
Emancipate my brain
And I reach for you
But only
While you're not looking
Because now
I
Am
Untouchable.