10/28/2025

9:14 a.m.

Being sober, living sober, is so hard for me.  Doesn't help that I broke-up with Edgar and now have to feel all those feelings live and in color.  Process all these emotions...

Robyn lost her dog Gabe.  Mom called and told me.  I'll try and write her a poem.

We walk through life

Cherishing that which we love

Hoping and praying

We will be loved

And cherished back

Unconditionally

Some love us

And losing them

Breaks us open

And we have to be

Held so carefully

As we heal

I see your heart

I always have

I see your strength

I always will

Take love, baby sister

Know I love you

Unconditionally

Also

I think of you always

But especially

When you need extra love.

My heart hurts.

My brain feels swollen.

But my soul, my soul is peaceful.  The storm of that relationship, having died.  It's left a calm in my soul.  And a smile, knowing I can still learn to love a man.

Now - just to find the one that speaks to my soul.  Dances with it.  Doesn't judge it or assault it with fear-based anger.  Doesn't try to make it feel small so they can feel large.  Someone with quiet confidence and a peaceful heart.  Someone who won't try to break me.

I am a whole person.  A whole lot of parts.  I can put myself together from time to time.  But sometimes  (okay, quite often) I lose a piece.  Lose my peace.  But I recover eventually.  If the stars align.

I've been so stuck.  Stagnant.  Treading water while flirting with distraction.  Glancing away from my reflection.

I need to start running.  For strength.  Clarity.  Inner peace.  Universal truths.  The ability to look at myself again.

Now that I know all my children are okay, how can I make my garden grow?  I'm lusty for direction.  Purpose.  Meaning.

How do I get from here to who I want to be?  Is there a new version I want to see?  How can I awaken her, let her know I'm ready to let her shine?  Grow her wings.  Let her fly? 

Because I know, with my whole heart, I almost let her die.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Four: 05/04/2021

 05/04/2021

9:25 p.m.

Nexen's birthday, so it was a wonderful day  by default.  Still now, for the first time today, I think of the glorious storm the night Nexen was born.  My water dragon.  Ab and Sami really believed Nexen could make it rain for a little while.  What a joyous and triumphant day it was.  At one point in labor, I remember feeling so desperately alone without his father there.  And then I looked around at the beautiful, strong, loving women in the room, plus my kids, and I let it all fill me.  And the strength of all the birthing mothers throughout history.  And I opened up myself and my future to a whole human.  Which was what I had done to get myself to that night in the first place.  I am so thankful I have been so blessed since then, to not have my heart's desire dictate my future. 

Work was horrible today.  Don't feel like expounding upon it.  I may be fired soon.  So it goes.

...

Anyway, we'll see how work goes tomorrow.  All I can do is my best, and whether they see it or not, I have been.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Three: 05/03/2012

   This actually cracks me up because I mention how I had acuptuncture and the acupuncturist actually did some points which were contraindicated in pregnancy that day.  But she said I was so far along it wouldn't matter.  And then I went into labor less than 24 hours later.  I was planning on being pregnant for at least another week.  😂

05/03/2012

    Well I had acupuncture today and I feel much better than I did last week.  Or last entry anyway.  If I can get a lot done over the weekend I'll probably keep working next week.

    Yesterday was Ab's parent teacher conference.  He is not doing well in school.  It was a mess with Ab crying and Randall yelling...I started crying then after the conference he was yelling at Abacus onthe street and then we were fighting...just a big fucking mess.

    Then this morning He sends three emails which at the time upset me but now I feel are good.  Makes me positive I've made the right decision in protecting the baby and myself from Him.

    What I say hurts him because it is true.  What he says does not hurt me because it is bullshit.  I am happy with the progress I have made emotionally and spiritually and I'm so happy with my body for being so fantastic.  In all the pain there has been so much beauty.  I guess that's why He is so angry.  He wanted to be a part of the beauty.  I suppose I would be mad too.  I'd like to think I'd be more understanding though.

Day One Hundred Twenty-One: 05/01/2015

Well, I am back after a 3+ month hiatus.  Luckily I can back date these posts.  There is only one entry for May 1st, I hope it doesn't suck.

05/01/2015

3:57 pm

    So I know I am in serious trouble here based on the frequency of my entries.  This is Nexen's birthday weekend.  I was supposed to have the kids but Randall switched with me.  I have agreed to T joining in on Nexen's birthday trip to the beach, which means Ab and Sami can't come.  I feel a little guilty, but if he doesn't take them, it'll be three weekends in a row with me.

Okay, well it wasn't a very exciting entry but it is the only one I have.  Which is crazy in and of itself.  Interestingly, I have not really been journaling much this year.  I definitely need to get back on that.  It's possible I did more before I stopped working on this blog project, but you know, I can't really remember that far back.

Day One Hundred Twenty: 04/30/2012

 04/30/2012

    I have made small progress in my preparations but nothing major.  I may have to stop working and stay home to prepare.  If I can just make it through this weekend I'll do just that.

9:45ish

    I'm waiting on the subway now.  This is going to be my last week of work.  I don't have the energy for the commute anymore.

    I am feeling sad.  I will make an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow I think.  I cried yesterday during acupuncture.  These hormones are brutal.

Day One Hundred Nineteen: 04/29/2016

 04/29/2016

5:45 p.m.

Waiting at ballet with Nexen.  Frank wanted me to meet him out but I'm too tired to schlep Nex out to Norther Liberties to meet-up with him tonight.  Poor Frank.  Things are really rough these days for him.

Last night I babysat for Susan's girls.  Apparently Emme woke-up asking for me.  😊  So cute.

Marx texted me today.  Apparently it is National Zipper Day.  He's making an effort.  I can appreciate that.

I'm now talking to several bagels.  It's keeping me entertained enough, doubtful it will equal a love connection though.

Sami finished class early tonight because her back is sore.  Now we're at Powelton waiting for some food.  So we should get home early tonight.  That's good.

Hi I'm writing in my mom's diary. I got buffalo chicken ranch pizza and it's really, HOT!!  Nexen, as always is watching You Tube Ryan's Toy Review.  Now the cheese fries are here.

Yum!  Cheese fries!  I shouldn't be eating this junk but it tastes sooo yummy!  I think someone should make grilled cheese fries.  Now THAT would be yummy!

I guess I should mention how disappointed I am with Sami's scholastic progress.  If she doesn't get her grades up this last quarter of 5th grade she is going to limit herself when it comes to choosing a high school and I am going to have to restrict dance next year.

I think we should work on some family goal setting.  My top 5 goals for next month are:

1.  Find a new job        *Work-out & run!

2.  Clean the house

3.  Make a budget

4.  One on one quality time w/kids

5.  Develop relationship w/inner child

Sami's Goals

1.  Get straight A's or No C's

2.  Read every single night  *Stay Focused

3.  Study every single night

4.  Always respect my family

5.  Smile more (because people said I stopped smiling??)

Nexen's Goals

1.  Play

2.  Love

3.  Don't say potty words

4.  Don't bang my head when angry

5.  Love my family

Day One Hundred Seventeen: 04/27/2021

 04/27/2021

8:41 a.m.

   This morning's thoughts center upon the idea that the depths of an indiviual's inner realm are equal to the expanse of our outer realm.  The universe inside of us lives in symmetry with the universe outside of us.  When we pull on the thread of sadness we may find there is no end to that thred.  We may feel in those moments, focusing on that thread, futility in continuing on since we hold within us neverending sadness.  But a moment or a miracle brings to our attention the thread of happiness.  And focusing here we may see the happiness, too, is unending.  And when we discover we can weave the threads together in the tapestry of our life, it is then we are ready to work on our masterpiece.  The thread of the past and the thread of the future - equally infinite, woven together to create the present. 

    It would seem I need to learn how to weave.

                                                                                                                       💗Mee

Day One Hundred Sixteen: 04/26/2021

 04/26/2021

9:21 p.m.

    "Imagine the chances of your existing at all.  Why not do something great with your life?"

        Today was a rough day.  I am feeling some sort of unease I can't quite recognize.  Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Day One Hundred Fifteen: 04/25/2021

04/25/2021

11:09 p.m.

Having found the edge of happiness I try to sink into it.  I try to pull it over me, to wrap myself in it.  But it pulls away from me as if to say no, you're not ready yet.  So many things pull me away from it.  I do not wish to covet it, or take it away from anyone else.  I merely wish to believe I am deserving of the small pieces of it which come my way.  And that any I manifest - that I can rejoice in brining it forth and setting it off into the world for others to share.  For what is happiness that is not shared?  Just loneliness.

                                                                                                                💗 Mee.

Day One Hundred Fourteen: 04/24/2012

 04/24/2012

6:52 a.m.

        One hour until my 2nd home visit so this will be short because I have cleaning left to do and then I want to grab a shower.

        I am happy!  I am excited!  Baby will be here soon.  As long as I have a few more weeks, I will be ready.

                                                                                                                Yay!

Day One Hundred Twelve: 04/22/2015

 04/22/2105

7:40 p.m.

    So last night was super scary but ultimately pretty nice.  I was able to verbalize everything I needed to.  He was very tolerant when I got scared and started crying.  He said he loves me.  I said he doesn't, which wasn't very nice of me, so I took it back.

    Work is a lot crazy.  Jackie got the legal assistant position James, Aaron and Amanda emailed about.  Frank wants to make me office manager.  It's a frightening prospect but I agreed to try.

Day One Hundred Eleven: 04/21/1995

 04/21/1995

    When I die it is my wish that in my passing there shall not be pain in any of the hearts of those I love.  The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to bring happiness to the lives of others.  If I accomplished this in any way then my life is complete.  And with the ending of it I do not want the happiness to cease.  I want there to be joy in memory, not tears.  The one thing that hurt me most was for me to bring pain or sadness upon those that I love.  When I was sick I did everything I could so as not to convey the actual pain and suffering I was enduring, so as not to make anyone feel bad for me.  This is not what I wanted then, nor what I want now.  Just remember me, cherish the memory, and keep love and hope and happiness in your hearts always.

Day One Hundred Nine: 04/19/2021

 04/19/2021

"Think about who you are really doing this for."

I am doing this for myself and everyone who finds themselves in my presence.  I am doing this for my children.  I am doing this for my future life partner.

Day One Hundred Five: 04/15/2021

 04/15/2021

5:14 a.m.

I had a dream it started out with me asking for donations at a Vietnamese restaurant for Sami's dance school auction and then I had lunch at another Asian place with Cristina from MD but I saw Gwen leave and GBDC students eating there and somehow Cristina knew them.  Then before I left I saw my sister there.  I tried to order what Cristina ordered but I had to use a touch screen and I messed it up even though I had written notes in front of me.

Anyway something else happened I can't really remember with regard to some Star Wars collectible item or something.

Then somehow I ended up in like an open air market - unless my timeline messed-up and I was getting GBDC certificates after all the other stuff - and I got really, really lost and some guy grabbed a key off a board and wanted me to go in a room with him and I started running but got lost in a deeper, shadier area and I ran right into some sort of sex worker area and they tried to get me to work for them.  One trans person pulled out their penis and told me to suck it as they tried to hide the bumps, etc. on it.  Luckily, it was interrupted by the boss lady who tried to get me to change my clothes and I ran away.  I was getting away but I ran through some kids and they grabbed one of the little girls like they were just going to use her so of course I stopped but then I saw the girl was like 5 and I was like no way are they going to use her and I started running again and I got surrounded by a group of guys and somehow ended up on a train and I said a prayer to God (out loud and little crazy like so they would back off) and I jumped off the train.  They were laughing and I was falling as I woke-up.

Nasty dream.

Day One Hundred Four: 04/14/2012

 04/14/2012

5:33 a.m.

    Another 3:30 a.m. wake-up.  I tried to go back to sleep but gave-up and showered and started my day.

    Had dinner at Sampan with Deirdre last night.  Was so fantastic.

    Today will be a busy day.  A lot of family and driving.  Here's to keeping my sanity!

    Clearly I'm not feeling very talkative.  Guess I'll get some housework done.  (Though the thought of housework makes me sleepy!)

                                                                                                                        Hee Hee.

Day One Hundred Three: 04/13/2021

 04/13/2021

8:41 a.m.

Walking away from my heart I contemplated time's continuity.  I came to my stop and stood still and waiting for my eyes and my mind to catch-up with my stillness.  I came to focus on a face in the wall and worked to stand strong, open to all - even a great fall, should that be where my steps lead.  I am not afraid to fall anymore because I know I have the strength to get back up and the wherewithal to not pull others down with me.

I suppose there are some who are always ready to jump.

Last night walking home with Nexen I told him I was so tired and I wanted to cry and he asked me not to and I said okay, I'll be strong.  But my message should have been that true strength is allowing your body and mind what it needs to get back in balance.  Sometimes that is rest and a good cry.  Sometimes, of course, it is necessary to hold it in.  But I definitely should have explained the difference.

My mind and my heart are open.  Whether it's growth, springtime, the end of the pandemic...I'm not sure.  Most likely a combination.  And what a lovely combination it is.  I am happy to be here, to recognize and be able to enjoy it, and - honestly - I love having this time to think and write.

Nexen said also this morning that he loves trains.  You know, I do too!

                                                                                                    💗Mee.

Day One Hundred: 04/10/2012

 So, it's been one hundred days!  I've done good, no?  😄

04/10/2012

6:15 p.m.

    Today was a hard day but ultimately so good.  I have acupuncture tonight too and I'm so grateful for that.

    Everything is coming to an end and a beginning.  I'm trying not to be afraid.

    Everything I want I have or am working to cultivate.  Happiness is not just within my reach, it is within my heart, within my womb.  My beauty will not be overshadowed by my mistakes.

    

    Loving is never a mistake.  Giving, however, certainly can be.

    I need to be more careful.  I need to love more intelligently.  I am grateful for this opportunity to learn.  I am thankful for my desire to grow.  I appreciate all who have been placed into my life, so that I may come to know.  I see now.  And I'll do my best to stay open so that I cannot be blindsided again.  (Future me is cracking up right now)

    I am not certain whether the war inside me has been won or whether it's merely a battle.  If it is only a battle, and not the end of the war, I'm guessing it's a pretty darn important battle.  And I do stand victorious.  Over this moment.  Over this culmination of moments.  For this I can be proud.  For this I feel so strong.  For this, I am unapologetic.

    I live.  I love.  I live.  I love.  It is the same for me.  To live and to love are one and the same.

Day Ninety-Eight: 04/08/2015

 04/08/2015

5:15 a.m.

    I woke-up around 2 this morning.  I consider that a win given last night I woke-up at 12:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  And the landlord came to fix the washing machine so I've been very productive doing laundry and cleaning.  Now that my alarm's gone off I've made some tea and I will attempt to alleviate my brain somewhat with a small purge.

    So.  T.  I have been too lenient in allowing fondness to grow to slight obsession.  It's just that, on paper, he has been so perfect.  Almost too perfect.  Just. Like. (Him).

    So the question is...is this red flag real or imagined?

Day Ninety-Two: 04/02/2019

 I didn't want to do the same year, but it's the only April 2nd entry I have in my journals.  Oh well.

04/02/2019

5:34 a.m.

    Okay, so.  I am going to start.  Not sure how much I will get through in the time alloted, but I need to at least start.  I have been holding it all in for too long.

    

    It has been a tumultuous few days.  Even more so than usual.  I keep paging back through my journal for a point of reference and all I see is pain, some turmoil, and more pain.  And I get that I am not necessarily chronicaling the good parts.  But the bad parts are coming so much more swiftly.  It's all coming crashing down.  Good news is, we never let it get too high in the first place.

    I will go back to Friday because I don't remember how I was feeling Thursday morning.  I imagine I felt good, and I was going to write about how my feelings had shifted.

    In thinking about shifting feelings, my mind drifts to Dr. Jeanette and her inner child and inner sage theories.  I don't know if I've said it in this book, but I've spoken before about feeling like my inner child and D's innner child made a pact to love each other.  But, being children, they can only communicate when D and I allow them, and our hurt, angsty adult selves get in the way.

    

    But I digress.

    Actually, I am going to take a break and shower.  Hopefully I come back to this because I really, really need to reflect on all that's been happening over the past few days.

                                                                                                               💗Mee

The love

That lies within

It cries to him

Please

Stop killing me

9:11 a.m.

    So many thoughts in my head I had to stop on my walk to work.  I realize why this relationship has been so damn hard.  Because we've been fighting over a wall this whole time.  My wall.  My boundary defense system.

    I let him in a little.  Then quickly try to rebuild.  Brick by brick he worked on getting that wall down but to me at times it felt like an assault.  After a time I worked on breaking the wall down from my side.  It was hard work and I hated it.  I feel unsafe so much of the time and I swear my wall protects me.  But when I am in his arms I feel no need for a wall.  It's the strangest thing.  But then by contrast, when his arms are closed to me I need to build twice as fast.  I'm exhausted.  I think he's probably exhausted too.

    I've forgetten how to feel safe in the world by myself.  Or perhaps I never knew.  I don't know what I want again.  I don't know what I am doing.  But I am so very tired of all the pain.  So very, very tired.

                                                                                                                💗Mee.

Day Ninety-One: 04/01/2019

I'm cheating a tiny bit because it is actually 04/02/2022 right now and I'm backdating this because it's the first day all year I got behind on this blog project.  I will try to get a little more ahead now but I'm tired.  Hopefully I can at least get caught-up the two days.

04/01/2019

6:49 a.m.

    Well, I have been meaning to write for the past two days.  I wish I had, because a lot has happened and I am having trouble processing it all.

    I didn't want to write I think because processing all that emotion would make it seem so real.  I didn't want it to be real.

    But I am doing myself a disservice, because now he is here, asleep in my bed.  And I don't even know what to do.

    I last wrote the morning of the 28th.  Thursday morning.  So much has happened since then.  But all I want to do is close my eyes and pretend nothing has happened.  I think I will - just for a few moments.  It's hard to form thoughts when he's so close.  A big part of my issue!

                                                                                                                💗Mee