Day One Hundred Eight: 04/18/2016

 04/18/2016

6:30ish p.m.

    I am at a pizza place with the baby.  Sorry about the last few pages, I was inspired to write while I was walking to work.  It's probably nearly illegible since I was literally walking as I wrote.

    The baby is transfixed by some show on my phone.  It is cold in here, but sitting outside is not good for my allergies.  I am ingesting greasy fries.  It doesn't feel good but I am hungry and they are here.

    I joined a dating site last week at Enrique's prompting.  I don't imagine you'll be particularly happy with the news.  You just live so far away though and I barely get to see you.  Although if I cancelled less I'd see you more, I realize that.

Day Ninety! 03/31/2016

 Thursday, March 31st

9:40 a.m.

I'm at acupuncture.  Yay!  It's not Eva but that's okay.  Cara is newer but it is still helpful and she's loosely categorized as a friend.  :)

So I haven't been good with communicating with you this week.  Mainly because I don't know how to be honest about how I am feeling but not leave you hanging in the lurch because I don't have time to discuss it.

Maybe acupuncture this morning and an early day at work will resolve things.

10:50 a.m.

I'm feeling pretty awesome!  Yay!  Planning a long run tonight too so we'll see.  Maybe with my head clear all of this confusion will fade away to nothing.

Day Fifty! 02/19/2016

 Friday, February 19, 2016

5:06 pm

Back waiting at ballet!  Obviously I didn't have to wait long to get my badge yesterday.

Yesterday a school bus ran into the TD Bank across the street from my work.  A taxi sideswiped a Septa bus then tried to hit and run but there was a school bus there and then the school bus hit another car and all three vehicles ran through the glass wall of the bank.  Craziness.

Nexen gave me a lollipop (he doesn't like the root beer dum dums) and now my mouth tastes like sugar.  It's unpleasant.  😔

I saw Dr. Jeanette yesterday.  She said I seemed remarkably relaxed.  I did not tell her the source of my relaxation.  I just can't bring myself to talk about you with her.

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow.  I plan to leave Nexen with Abacus in the morning and take Sami to ballet and then go to acupuncture.  We shall see how that all works out.  My shoulder is a little better but not 100%.  Not even 80% actually.  But it is feeling somewhat improved.

My big goal for the weekend is to get my bedroom cleaned.  So exciting, I know.  Hopefully the kids and I can do something fun.  Ab is at a sleepover tonight so I am worried he won't be up to watching Nexen tomorrow.

Day Twenty-Seven: 01/27/2016

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

8:09 a.m.

Kids were off for school the last two days so things were really hectic.  Fun - but crazy.  I took two with me to work Monday and all three yesterday and it just makes for super long days!

Anyway, I'm taking some extra time this morning to let the baby sleep and try to get some house stuff and exercise in this morning.  I generally work-out at least once a day but I've been totally slacking the past two days!

Okay, time to get some stuff done before the baby wakes up.

                                                                                                        💗Mee

Day Twenty-Three: 01/23/2016

Saturday, January 23rd, 2016

10:00ish p.m.

Well today was an awesome day.  The kids were excited about the snow and ran in and out all day playing.  They demanded an inordinate amount of attention collectively but I mostly found the energy and everyone was happy and got along well.  The oldest wants a Matrix marathon but we'll have to see if the baby goes to sleep at a reasonable hour.

I feel very grateful to be in this place in my life.  I am happy and content.  I feel very full and blessed.  My heart swellled today with love for my family and I just wish I could keep that feeling longer!  Anyway, time for more quality time.

                                                                                                💗 Mee

Day Nineteen: 01/19/2016

Nothing very earth shattering for today.  I only found one journal entry which was in the book I was writing for my friend.

Tuesday, January 19th

11:37 a.m.

    Late morning this morning.  I didn't have to drop Sami and Ab at school so the baby and I chilled for a while at home.  On the train to work now.  I have a lot to say but there isn't time right now.

                                                                                                    Until later-

                                                                                                    Mee

5:15 p.m.

    I am at ballet school waiting with Nexen for Sami to get out of class.  Nexen is requiring quite a bit of attention so I'm not sure I am going to be able to write a lot.

    This weekend was a lot of fun.  Well, once you arrived anyway.  :)

Day Sixteen: 01/16/2016

Saturday, January 16, 2016

10:32 p.m.

Dear M-

    I don't really know when or if I will ever give you this journal, but I have decided to start writing one for you.  It's a thing I do, but only for certain people.  For example, I keep one for each of my children.  Granted, I have a tendency to write in them infrequently, but I figure I have their whole lives to finish them so, why worry.

    Anyway, I'm certainly missing you today.  I was so excited to see you and then...life.  *sigh*

    I sort of wish you lived closer - so you could sneak over when the kids are sleeping, like now.  But then, I'm glad you live far also because I worry I would get too attached, too quickly.  Infatuation hasn't served me well in the past.  This is better.  More...measured.  

    Although, the missing you is oddly constant in that it is ever present but inconstant as the intensity has peaks and valleys.  Right now I seem to be peaking.

    I miss you so much.

Because of you

(Him)

Because of you

Each time

I heard the word

"Love"

I felt pain

Sadness

Emptiness

Loneliness

Betrayal

Because of you

Each time

I thought

Perhaps

I could love again

The fear

The memory

The heartbreak

Flooded my brain

Drowned my desire

Loving you

Nearly killed me

And the aftertaste

Causes me to cringe

Even now

(DS)

Because of you

My bare skin

Tasted the salty

Frigid waves

Of the ocean

In October

Because of you

I will always

Have a Seoulmate

And confidante

A puddle jumping 

Wave leaping

Partner through life

I will always

Look forward

To the opportunities

To pause reality

And kick it with you

(M)

Because of you

I began to trust

At a time

When all I knew

Was how to run

Because of you

I found

My inner "no"

Which 

Heretofore

Had eluded me

I will always

Be thankful

For our time together

(T)

Because of you

...

(I am speechless)

Intangibles

Hello.
It's Mee.
It's possible
I ran away for a bit.
It would seem
I have found my way
Back.

Or forward?

This time
The things I think
I will tell you
The things I can't tell you
I will show you
The things I can't show you
The
Intangibles...

Maybe I will draw them for you.
Maybe we can paint them together.
Maybe they will just be understood.

But I won't make any assumptions.